All About China > Understanding Chinese Women

Her sense of duty

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Ed W:
Before I met and married my wife I had read as much as I possibly could to understand her better. Some of you may have followed or read my blog about when we were in the hotel she'd do lots of little things for me but it was fairly tame and I was just trying to get used to it. When we decided to stay at her place is when she kicked into high gear and was seemingly there for my every need and then some. For most this would feel very uncomfortable and out of balance so I tried to get her to stop doing so much for me. BAD IDEA. If she starts doing somethig for you, let her do it or you'll be in big trouble really fast. There are many ways you can mess up the system if you try to stop her. The sense of duty is just too strong. I found by watching her daily routine I could do things for her that she'd do everyday;ie, filling the water filter, straightening out the shoes, make the bed...  you just have to beat her to it but cant overdo it (and i'm hoping maxx will put that part about the housework and his wife in this thread) or you'll upset her.

But today my wife and I were talking about work and her moving before I arrive so we will be in a private place as well as her daughter will be able to stay with her more often. For a couple weeks now I've been trying to prepare her for some aspects of coming to america regarding work and have told her that at some point I'd be asking her to quit her job and study english full-time before the interview. Well, I tell her this again, and i've found that unless she can explain back to me what I've been telling her that it's likely she didnt get it. She tells me that her job is depressing and she's unmotivated to go but will becuase she does not want to be the burden on me. She's said this before and she means it. Today after she tells me she's depressed about her job she asks me, yes! she asked me, if she could quit her job. I asked her if she could survive on 1600 rmb per month since the place she was talking about was only 600 rmb. She gets this really cute look on her face, almost that look of innocence, and says she might be the greedy wife and asks if she could have 2000. I had to keep from laughing since she can take this as making fun of her and I tell her we will budget for 1600 and more would be extra. You might be thinking that any western woman would be going crazy by now because she assumes its a done deal. Not so with my wife. She gives me more details about the new place, it's location, her attending english school full-time, how she can spend her time decorating the home for us. that was work too. So in the end I said, "Ok. give the notice to resign from the job." That's when the huge smile came over her face.

The reason i mention this is even before we married she was telling me that she intended to always work so she wouldnt be the burden on me and has always stuck by this. I thought it would be really hard to change her mind since her sense of duty was so strong about not being a burden but I dont know if the moon and stars were aligned, that finally she understood how my government wont want her to expect to work when she comes here but she really perked up when I mentioned she could decorate the home and make it happy for us. I think her sense of duty isnt entirely hardwired into a particular set but she will allow herself to replace one duty for another. But also when I mentioned that taking care of the home is work too seemed to allow her to feel she was still contributing to the family. Maybe someone has a different spin on this but it's the impression i got during this discussion.

Arnold:
You are handleing that very well Ed , just don't SPOIL her too much .

David5o:
ED,

Now that's what i call an interesting post, Your pointing out the things that a western man wouldn't come across with marrying a western woman. It's taken me 3 years so far, to get Lucy to think along the lines of a marriage being a 50/50 relationship. I still haven't got there yet, but slowly ,slowly were getting there.
When we were first together, she told me that a Chinese wife always follows her husband, ...meaning the husband was the boss and the woman followed. Simple equation one might first think, It's not!! Then you have to add into that equation, that the woman is the boss of all household matters like caring for the family, health of the family, taking control of household money, washing ,ironing, cleaning,cooking, etc, etc, etc!! Plus a few other bib's and bob's, ...It doesn't take too long for you to realise, what the husband is boss of, .....Not much is the real answer, not if you let the above mentioned areas stay as they are.......  

I'll be writing a post based on the above, in the next couple of days or so.

Again, enjoyed reading this post, i hope you tell us more of your wives ways and her version of a wife's duties in marriage...

David....

Willy The Londoner:
I ran across that 50-50 problem.  The Chinese ladies are not into it at all.  When I suggested that was the way I saw marriage I was told that I lead and she looks after me according to my wishes.

We did agree that we would discuss things but she said that she would never give a definate answer but leave the final decision up to me.

WillyHey David how come you have a reputation of 2 and I have no reputation at all???  Is it because I am always talking B******s.

Willy

JimB:
Angel has had a tremendous time decorating our "home".  I have seen her smile so much when she tells me what she did that day to make our home ready for me to arrive.  She has a tremendous work ethic that her parents instilled in her.  I really admire that.  Anyway she loves her job as a surgical nurse and wants to do it when she gets here.  She goes to work at 7 AM, then English school each night for two hours then home at about 9:30 pm.  Takes her shower and gets online with me until she goes to bed at 11 PM.  Then back online with me at 6:30 AM and her day starts all over again.  With only one "rest" day each week. And she does say the same thing that she does not want to be a burden on me.  You have to love a woman like that.  Right Ed?  Damn we are lucky guys.

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