JimB,
First of all, don't try and compare your daughter with Qingqing, that's not being fair on her, or yourself. They were brought up under different times, different culture, and different circumstances...
I'll say to you, that both you and your wife have to sit down and seriously discuss rules for Qingqing, rules that you can both agree on and can stick too. Rules that will stay in place after you return to the States.
When rules are broken, then there are consequences, which again, you both have to decide what consequences will apply. Having said that, when she does good, then she should be rewarded in some way too. It's the stick and the carrot thing, been about for years, ...cause it works!!
On that note, ...what you did to your wife by offering to pay her airfare to Wuhan, after your wife had told her absolutly and categorically NO, totally undermined her authority. I hope that Qingqing wasn't around to hear you say that to her mother?? Your not doing Qingqing or yourself any favours for the future.
The Last thing Qingqing needs is a psychiatrist Jim, your dealing with a spoilt teenager whose nose has been put out of joint, by not being 1st,2nd,3rd in mum's world anymore...
I have a pretty good idea that it can't be easy for you especially. ...After all, your from a military background where your used to teenagers jumping when you tell/order them to do something. Well it just ain't like that in the real world/civvy street, instead you just have to bite your tongue and use your smarts on them.
Now, as to your last two statements, Yes you are over reacting to Qingqings words. That's ALL they were, ...just words that sprang to mind and got blurted out. She's sixteen Jim, a naive and a spoiled sixteen at that. Nothing at all was meant by it, in the way that you took it.
Which is another thing that springs to mind, ....don't tease her about the things that you know worry her, or are playing on her mind. That won't help you one jot, in getting things sorted out between you all.
The last statement about you throwing in the towel, ...now come on Jim get real here, don't come out with this crap unless you mean it!! I'm really hoping you haven't been saying things like that to your new wife, because her trust in you as a man will just evaporate.
And whatever you do, NEVER make your wife choose between you and Qinqing, ....you WILL lose!! Not because she doesn't love you enough, but because Qingqing is her flesh and blood, her family, her daughter....
I started replying to your post, before anyone had posted anything, so i'm curious as to what the others you asked have said. I'm hoping pretty much what my thoughts are on your post. Whatever they have to say, think about all of them, i'm pretty sure that between you and your new wife, you'll get past this rocky patch with Qingqing ...There's every chance if you handle her wisely there no reason that later on, you and your wife can be as proud of Qingqing, as you are of your daughter back in the States....
So stay calm Jim, ... For your sake, your wife's sake and for Qingqing.
David....