Author Topic: A Southerners continuing journey in China  (Read 40934 times)

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Offline JimB

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #255 on: September 26, 2009, 04:10:36 am »
I have never been around any kid, that would even think of saying that.  That threw up red flags all over. In my world you never say kill, unless you absolutely without a doubt mean it.  So, the first thing i did was shut up and think of the 24 hour rule.  I had a place to vent and that was here.  I have read all of teh comments and thank you all. First thing is I would never say anything about paying for the flight in front of her.  I just talked to my wife about it.  I know enough not to undermine her.  Secondly is that I am so frustrated with my wife about this kid. I try to talk to her about it and she just says, i know she is spoiled.  Anytime I talk about discipline for her my wife says she has never done that.  I tell her that is why she is like she is.   I do not want to go around the next few years having to watch my back because of this kid.  That is why I talked about throwing in the towel.  This is because of  kid not some enemy.  I seriously considered it for about an hour last night.  Then I decided i wasnt going to let some kid beat me. I took this on and I live up to my word.  So this morning I sat  Qingqing down and gave her these options: 1.  I never want to hear anything like that come out of her mouth again.  If I do, there will be serious ramifications.  I am not your father, you have one but I have taken on the task of helping you by the act of marrying your  mother.  I want this to be our home for all of us, if you do not want to follow my rules then you do not have to live here.  You can stay at school all of the time or go and try to live with your father.  I want you here but i will not put up with any more crap like what happened at the restaurant, or in my drink, (at that she blanched and got red faced).  I said yes, i know about it. You are a beautiful 16 year old girl and you will act like it, not like some 5 year old.  Those are my rules.  I will help you with anything in my power to.  I want to be your friend but that is not necessary if you do not want it to be.  But you will treat me as a person not an enemy.  I am going out for breakfast and will be back in a couple of hours.  it is completely your decision.  At that i got up and walked out. I figured this should settle it, not completely, but she now knows how I feel.  I got tired of biting my tongue and walking on eggs,  that is not me nor my style.  Either Mama goes along or she doesnt.  If not I want to know now.  After about  a half hour my phone rang and it was my wife asking me to come home.  
When I got there they were both red eyed from crying.  I steeled myself for the worst.  I figured i could get a hotel room for the night and move my filght up a couple of weeks.  First my wife apologized for putting me through what was very bad for me. (I will not go into details about her. just to say she backed me.)  then it was Qingqings turn.  She said she was sorry that she had done this.  But that she had never had to share her mother and yada yada yada.  Anyway after about an hour of this, we decided to give it another try.  So then we decided to go out to the supermarket.  Anyway while out she took me into a mens store and tried to buy me a couple of shirts and things.  Of course they had nothing that would fit me.  But I thanked her and hugged her for the thought. On the way back, she grabbed my hand with my wife on the other side.  She smiled and said we are a family.  So we will see.  I still do not 100% trust her because she is 16.  We will see.
Thanks for the info guys, it helped me make up my mind on what to do.  it was my own way but I had to be true to myself.  I have already heard from my brother in law, translating through my wife he said he was glad I did what I did.

Michael, tell Zhou that her namesake is practicing speaking and writing English every night so when I go back she can e mail me and her new cousin in the USA.  She is such a great kid.

My wife said we needed to stay at home for the next few days, she is worried about trouble, not with me just in general.  Of course with her job she needs to go to work.  And I want to tell you, I found out how much she makes as a surgical nurse with over 20 years experience, she is also the training nurse.  She gets the equivalent of $75.00 for a minimum of 40 hours a week.  Plus a housing subsidy, where she pays 200 yuan a month for her place in the dorm. So if you look at the total it would be about 4000 yuan a month or about $588 usd.  But she only gets the $75.00 if she does not live in the dorm she gets nothing.   Is that not horrible?
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brett

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #256 on: September 26, 2009, 04:24:47 am »
Wow, not great wages. I don't know how much my lady earns but she has been pulling 12 hour days this week. Her boss will buy the team moon cakes, but I don't think that is much of a bonus for having no life basically :huh:.

Offline Voiceroveip

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #257 on: September 26, 2009, 06:14:49 am »
And 4000 is pretty good in China already! A factory worker will make 1500-2500, a limo driver in Shanghai about 3000 with crazy hours, an office worker around 3 or 4000, and in smaller towns this drops rapidly.
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Offline MLM

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #258 on: September 26, 2009, 06:19:29 am »
JimB,
I'm happy to hear that you now have things in thier place with Qingqing, I'm also happy your watching your back, I hope Qingqing can live with your rulers, it looks like she wants to.

Hahaha, Zhou says " of course she is a good kid, her name same as mine ", Jim, Zhou is a teacher hear and she also told me to say, she is proud of Zhou zhou for learning so well and that her mother must also be very proud.
WOW, thats not a lot for here but, I understand that is good money for China, my question is this, how will she work here, I mean, she will have to certify here in order to do the same job here and that will mean going back to school won't it?
Good luck Jim and Mrs. Burk
TIME IS THE TELLER OF ALL TRUTHS AND THE HEALER OF ALL HURTS

shaun

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #259 on: September 26, 2009, 07:22:39 am »
Jim,

It is a great move in the right direction.  Let's hope Qingqing is beginning to learn her lesson.  I know this has been and is hard for you and Mrs. Burk but if the two of you work your way through this you will have a very strong marriage.

Good luck to all three of you.

Shaun

Scottish_Rob

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #260 on: September 26, 2009, 07:34:44 am »
Mr and Mrs Burk.....Children will always do things like this whenever they DON'T get their own way. :s

Having brought up 4 children through teenage years, 'the Spoilt Brat' syndrome kicks in every so often....:icon_biggrin:

Jim what you done I believe was the correct course of action, telling her exactly how you saw things, and then leaving her to consume and digest WHAT was said.  Peace will be with you for a while...BUT please be aware that the spoilt brat will rear its ugly head again...  She may not mean to do it, but it will surface...The thing you have to remember Jim is that this is when the hormones are floating everywhere in Qingqing:blush::huh:

Good luck to both of you with this...:icon_biggrin:

shaun

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #261 on: September 26, 2009, 07:53:08 am »
Quote from: 'Scottish_Rob' pid='18131' dateline='1253964884'
Mr and Mrs Burk.....Children will always do things like this whenever they DON'T get their own way. :s

Having brought up 4 children through teenage years, 'the Spoilt Brat' syndrome kicks in every so often....:icon_biggrin:

Jim what you done I believe was the correct course of action, telling her exactly how you saw things, and then leaving her to consume and digest WHAT was said.  Peace will be with you for a while...BUT please be aware that the spoilt brat will rear its ugly head again...  She may not mean to do it, but it will surface...The thing you have to remember Jim is that this is when the hormones are floating everywhere in Qingqing:blush::huh:

Good luck to both of you with this...:icon_biggrin:

Rob,

WHAT are you trying to SAY? :angel: :icon_arrowl: :icon_arrow: :icon_eek: You say they come back for more? :icon_cheesygrin:

I'll be waiting!!!!! :dodgy:




Shaun
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 07:55:47 am by shaun »

Offline JimB

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #262 on: September 26, 2009, 08:39:09 am »
The one thing I got from this was to be true to myself and not go pussyfooting around. Of course the 24 hour rule was the way to go.  I got myself calmed down and was able to get some input from the best in the business.  But, I was not acting like myself.  I was not acting like the man of the house.  I was acting like a wife who was scared to go against her husband even though she knew he was wrong.  Screw that.  Of course I will watch my back.  But at least until I leave peace may be in the house.  My wife is acting like she liked it anyway.  I think I got new respect from Qingqing.  Kids are happier when they know their limits, they may not like them but at least they know them.  I also had told her no Wuhan unless both her mama and I agreed she could go.  I really expect at some point she will test me.  Then she will learn that I mean what I say.  

I said she made 4000 but she does not get the 4000, she only gets $75 per week. which is only $300 a month in USD.  or 2000 yuan a month.  the other is just a subsidy when she stays in the dorm.  Plus she has to pay 200 yuan of her paycheck.  Yes, she is going to have to re certify.  It will not be easy, but her English is improving everyday and fortunately, the medical terms she learned in college were based in Latin so she will have a head start there.

This afternoon we played riddles.  Now that was fun.  Trying to get it translated into English or Chinese properly then trying to figure out the answers.  we had more fun doing the translations than the riddles.  Qingqing had fun stumping me.
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David5o

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #263 on: September 26, 2009, 09:01:51 am »
Jim,

Well you seem to have sorted it out in your own way, which is good, there are many ways of tameing the animal... lol!! But it still needs mamma to keep to those rules that have been laid down to her...

She's probably a good kid under all that front that she put's up, now she has a chance of showing that.. Sure she's going to test both of you from time to time, that's what growing up is all about, we all did that.... So long as the rules are there and in place, she'll find out very quickly she will only be hurting herself and no-one else..

Let the Smarts of the oldies rule Jim, cause they always forget, we've already been there, done that, got the t shirt, seen the video, and got the DVD!!  ...hahaha!!


David.....

Offline JimB

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #264 on: September 26, 2009, 09:18:58 am »
David, I really appreciate all of the input.  Truly.  It helped me make up my mind for me.  A little here and a little there.  You know?    but in the end it is your own decision you have to be the one to live with it, right or wrong.  This is the greatest sounding board with a vast knowledge of the condition we are in.  You should not go wrong listening to the men here.   I have said it before, I would hope that all of the men going through what we are doing could have the opportunity to read the info here.  Their lives would be much easier.  But, you have to be able to take it and not be a know it all.  Because all of us, every single man here can use the help at one time or another.  And there is not one man here that says anything to be mean or a put down.  They are just trying to help. The ones who come here and do that do not last long as we have seen.  Thanks again to everyone here.  You are my brothas.  There is more support here than at any other web site that i have been associated with in my life.
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Offline Brian Mc

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #265 on: September 26, 2009, 09:29:45 am »
Greetings Brothers,

Jim, congratulations on finally getting things cleared up.  It took a lot of guts and strong nerves to do what you did so my respects to you for doing it.  At least now as you say you are the head of the family and all concerned know it.

As the other guys have said there will be testing and bad episodes in the future, but with both you and the missus on the same page it should get easier as time goes on.  Also once you bring them to your country then your little darling daughter is gonna really need your support and help as she will be far removed from all she knows.  That is when things will really gel for your three.

I am about to be in your situation to a degree myself.  Zhen has a 15 year old son so when Zhen and I marry things will be similar.  However so far I have seen no issues from RuiChen (the son) he seems very supportive and we get along fine so I am watching your progress with great interest and hoping everything moves forward for you and the family from now on.

Best wishes Jim and our hopes for a great future togehter,

Zhen and Brian

Offline phil

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #266 on: September 26, 2009, 11:24:04 am »
Jim, I commend you on this principal decision. I know that that boys/girls comparisons are not always accurate but take of this what you will. My sister had 3 boys and the father was the "Step Father" her youngest was the poster child for "The Strong Willed Child" this kid absolutely wore their ass's out growing up (He got his ass wore out also). His mother had spoiled him rotten and created a greedy, selfish, demanding, and disruptive kid. This kid had to have everything and get his way or he would start World War III, when the step father would try to discipline the kid, he played sides against him because he was a master manipulator and very intelligent. Mom often ran to his defense and tensions grew between mom and dad over this.

they laid down the ground rules and would get a model child for about 1-2 days then it was on again. This kid was "All Go and No Quit" he would let a little peace be established and just like Scottish_Rob said...as soon as he wanted his way you could sell tickets to watch the chaos that ensued. The praised him, rewarded good behavior, grounded him, took him out back behind the shed, talked to him, etc. Once he started driving OMG......the wrecks, the speeding tickets, the girlfriends, it was a 3 ring circus.

Smart kid....Straight A student on the honor roll. but tell this kid "No" and you had better pack a lunch.

Finally, it boiled down to an "Iron Clad Set of Rules" and "Defined Boundaries" you are welcome in this house, we love you, and we support you. But, if you choose to disrespect either of us, or can't abide by some simple rules....then there's the F@*!'ing door.        

You're on the other side of the world......Qingqing is a pretty girl with a boyfriend in Wuhan...she's likely not done. She's already demonstrated a willingness to make Big Adult Decisions Without Anyone's Input. Going to Wuhan by herself without permission! Informing School officials she'll be taking time off for special circumstances! As soon as she feels her comfort zone slipping away she's going to rebel at that..and you. I'm sure you've considered scenarios of: Her doing something major and disruptive forcing Mrs. Burk to stay, Running away to make everyone look for her, or possibly getting pregnant.

Make sure any plane tickets are fully refundable....I wouldn't put anything past this girl. Her Achilles Heel seems to be money, so at least thats something to work with.

Sorry, just rambling on.

Update.....my Sisters strong willed youngest child received a real Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt after nearly a decade now of hard work. He has his own martial arts school and about 40 students, he teaches discipline and respect to these kids. He's a fine young man.

Vince G

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #267 on: September 26, 2009, 11:37:31 am »
Jim, you did it perfectly. You let her know it's NOT going to continue, that you knew what she did (drink) and what her options are (as a young adult).

You stood your ground and she will respect you for it. She may test you once in a while? But I think you have it nailed.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 11:38:18 am by Vince G »

Offline maxx

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #268 on: September 26, 2009, 12:49:22 pm »
You did good Sarge.Better then I probably would of done in the same situation.Just remember to keep on her.To keep her inline.

Offline JimB

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RE: A Southerners continuing journey in China
« Reply #269 on: September 27, 2009, 08:23:45 am »
Thank you all for the support.  I know it is not done.  She will test me and her mother.  But, as I said, I remained true to myself and my beliefs. I think I even respect myself more at this point.  I had no idea what would happen when I walked back in that door.  Fortunately so far it worked.  We have a long way to go, but peace is in the house now and she is acting like a model child at this point.  She even asked if it was alright if she stayed home with us until i leave.  I seemed to take a long time thinking about it and she looked worried, (I was just looking to see what she would do.) so I said sure, we want you with us as a family to do things together, besides it will give you and I more time together.  This evening while Mama was at English class, she and i took a walk and discussed things as best we could and even kidded each other.  It felt good.  She can be a sweet kid when she wants to be.  I told her I would treat her as an adult as long as she acted like one.   She smiled and said ok, I will do the same.  I cracked up. and said ok it is a deal.  I will enjoy the time she is good and try not to over react when she is bad.  Even Mama seemed happier tonight.  Well we are back on track for the time being.  Thanks again brothas.
Maxx's 24 hour rule, learn it, live it.