Trouble...

[Andy]

I have been writing letters to this lady since May and recently her letters got short and also stop showing any affection. I have confronted her about her letters and she wrote me she has doubts about our relationship since I have told her that I need it to save up for my trip to China, but I will be ready to go in October. She seems to be quite naive and thinks that everyone in the U.S. is loaded.

Wants me to buy her parents a house as a wedding gift. She wrote me it would cost ten thousand dollars and then two hundred a month for an apartment. Then she told me that a common Chinese wedding cost ten thousand dollars also. I have read on the forums that their wedding cost fraction of that amount. It would take me about two years to save up for ten G. She is concerned that I am not prepared financially. Also assured me that she loves me and she is convinced that I am in love with her too. I have told her that I am not in love with the letter before that, but she telling me now that she know it from my voice in the phone and from the word of my letters that I do love her.

I do care for her and it wouldn’t be easy to just cut her out of my life, but I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t fall in love with a picture of a pretty girl. I am thinking of alternative solutions besides ending this relationship as it is now. I think she need to be educated more and perhaps she is getting bad advice from the agency. Can you give me an advice what should I do?

[Vince G]

What is with these woman wanting the men to buy houses for their parents? Are they all reading the same Cosmo China magazine?

I won't tell you what to do. I can only suggest. In this case I will tell you what I would do. Lay it on the line. Tell her you work for a living and there's no free ride. If you want to help the parents "AFTER" your married tell her, if you don't tell her now. Put it all out there for her to understand now. If she backs away or disagrees? Then it's better now then later.

My lady knows I'm not loaded. But she also knows I am trying. She excepted this from the beginning and she's the same. She works for a living. I offered to buy her a A/C unit but she doesn't want to pay a higher electric bill. I understand this. But I know it from laying it on the line. This is how it is and this is what I want. period.

Sorry I have a anger issue with women that do this. Ask my Ex.

[Ed W]

Andy, there are tons of other ladies who don't have dollar signs in their eyes and lead a very humble life, my wife for example.

From what you've written, I'd bail on her and start over. I know it's not an easy thing to do but by the sound of it I think your right in that she does believe the streets of america are paved in gold and it's not an easy task to explain to her that this isnt the truth. I'm not saying she's not worth it but I am saying it's going to be a very long and difficult road just to get her to understand and then, how will she feel about you when she does realize the truth? Will you be the great disapointment if your not the rich man she really wants?

I told my wife, she wasnt when I told her, how my finances were; allimony'd and child supported to the eyeballs. I told her deliberatly since if we were going to move forward I needed her to know this and accept that I am not the rich man. Her reply was that when we marry, my problems become her problems and we'll work out the solutions together. It really told me that she desired love and happiness over everything. That sealed the deal for me.

[Willy The Londoner]

I am with Ed on this one Andy.  You could be building up a load of problems.  Next thing she is that she may be asking you to send her the money in advance.  

If that happens cut and run.  

Willy

[Scottish_Rob]

I also agree with them as well as Mike mate...

God mine went mad at me when I offered to buy her something...

[Jadams79]

$he ha$ ca$h i$$ue$, follow the other guys advice, lots of nice ladies over there, can be very tough to find the right one.

[Peter]

I agree with the rest.... My wife have never ever asked me about sending her any money. I once offered to send her money to buy a camera but she refused..

[David5o]

Andy,

All i see from your post is Red Flags and Flashing Red Lights. Now she's either fishing, or she has the idea firmly set  in her head that your loaded.

You can try laying it out on the line as Vince suggested, and see what happens, you never know, she may get the real picture. But to my mind she is letting you know what her price is for marring you. it's a bloody high price too.....

Sad and as unfortnate as it may be, I'd be inclined to start looking elsewhere, as Willy and the others have pointed out, you maybe letting yourself in for a whole load of grief, that you neither want or are prepared for !!

David.....

[Buzz]

Andy;
Listen to the guys, you can either cut your losses now, get by with a small bandage and short recovery time, or you can continue and most likely end up with a severe hemorrhage and a very long difficult recovery period.  Small pain now, much larger issues down the road.  Tough call, but really a no other choice

[Vince G]

If you have feelings for her which I think you do? And she may have real feelings for you? I say give it a chance to get things understood. She sounds young and is a dreamer. So she thinks she is getting all she wants. Bring her down to earth. If she is harsh on her replies and insistent it's her way or nothing. Then cut her loose, because she's not going to meet you at least half way.

another thing you can do if she's reluctant is tell her the woman pays for the wedding and gifts come from the brides parents to the groom, in the west, so if she wants to spend her parents money on a big wedding that's ok. As long as there is enough for her parents to buy you a house. :icon_biggrin:

[Andy]

Thank you for the help.
I am going to tell her what I can afford wedding and gifts to her parents. I am going to describe her life with me here. She wrote me that she does not looking for a rich husband so I guess she is a bit naive about how much I can afford. Her expectations are high so I will bring her down to earth and if she really loves me then she will compromise and understand. If she will not compromise then that is end of our relationship. I am running away from the money grabbing westerner ladies so believe me that I do not want to find one in China too. Will see how she answers tomorrow...

[David E]

Andy

She is not looking for a western husband...she is looking for an ATM to make her and her parents life perfect.........love dont figure in that equation

Exit stage left

DavidE

[Bob]

Andy, I agree with Vince, Willy and the others, each make very good points, and I think you have the right approach in your last post. Tell her how it is and see what she say's, if she truly has feelings for you then she should understand your financial situation. Let's face it, with the economy the way it is now the last thing you need is a women who wants to drain you financially, or has unrealistic expectations or dreams. You will have your answer in her next letter, if she makes high demands then just let her go, otherwise she may cause you much stress,pain, and heart aches further down the road.

[Andy]

Ok, I got the price down to ten thousand including everything. It seems she is willing to work me on this issue. I did a research on the net and the average Chinese wedding actually cost more. In urban areas the average price hits seventy thousand USD! As it is now she backed off from me buying a house to her parents. I had some more questions to her that will determent how I proceed with this relationship.

[feisnik]

Ok, I got the price down to ten thousand including everything. It seems she is willing to work me on this issue. I did a research on the net and the average Chinese wedding actually cost more. In urban areas the average price hits seventy thousand USD! As it is now she backed off from me buying a house to her parents. I had some more questions to her that will determent how I proceed with this relationship.

That is a reasonable cost for a first time Chinese wedding. 50,000 RMB is considered a low dowry in Hunan Province where your lady is from, so this new price seems reasonable. Loan time!