When the word love is used to soon and too heavy

[yoshiii]

Hello

I have been writing to a lady and I have mailed her 6 mails and we have talked about things such as hobbies, likes, dislikes, and what we do and were we are from and what we are looking for in the future. I have mailed 4 emails to her talking about these things and I believe she has emailed me about 6 letters.  I didn't email so much in the beginning because it took me a while to get the courage to use China love. So I didn't email her for a long while after the first 2 emails. and than I started mailing her.  

She is using heavy words now like love you and our love and so on. She even ends one of her letters with Thinking of you with love.

Now I understand getting to know each other, but I do not feel we have communicated enough for her to be saying that to me. I know I do not feel that way. I am still learning about her. This scares me and makes me nervous because I want to write to her but now I feel like she has assumed something that I did not say. I have not used the word love or implied it at all. I have told her that I would like to get to know her and see where things go to.

I am writing to another lady also. I am not a player but I am trying to find the right one for me. I am in the beginning stages in both relationships and I am trying to determine which one I would like to only mail.  

What should I do?

Also there is another lady that I responded to a admiration mail to with one later and after that she emailed me again a couple times. The last emailed she is already talking about love and broken hearts and so on.

Are many of these women like this? Ready to start putting on the heavy as soon as they write to you?

The third lady that I have been writing to for a couple of months is the one I feel maybe I would like to only write to. Her and I don't email a lot but we have good conversations and she has not started with the heavy love you stuff. I feel this is normal. I am getting to know all of them so that I can make a decision early.
I know that nothing is guranteed  with any of the women and it is good to try to write to several in the beginning and than narrow it down to 2 and than to one.

The one thing I do not want to do is to rush into a relationship too fast.
My first marriage I got married within 6months and I was super too young. I loved my exwife,(have been divorced for a long time and no it wasn't from any kind of introduction site, this was at college) but now I can see how you need to take time to get to know a person before rushing into marriage.
I want this 2nd time to be the last time. I want to stay married for the rest of my life after this. I learned my lesson from the first time.

Any advice from the experienced guys?

[David E]

She is using heavy words now like love you and our love and so on. She even ends one of her letters with Thinking of you with love.
Any advice from the experienced guys?

Yoshii

Maybe I am the designated cynic on this site , you will notice that I am always looking under stones for scorpions

Your question about "love" is a very good one, and is always a bit unsettling when it comes after only a few EMF's. After all, our Western view of love is that it slowly arrives as we get to know somebody better and better through a reasonably long contact time...face-to-face.

The idea that someone can speak about "being in love" after a few letters and without the benefit of any face-to-face cantact was, for me somewhat bizarre !!

I have reached my own conclusion, for what its worth, that our Chinese Ladies dont mean what we think they do when they write like this.

I usually substitute "fond of" in my mind when I read the words "love" in an EMF...because that is what I think they mean...and I may be totally off target here, maybe other Bros have other opinions.

I have tried writing on a number of occasions to different women about the cultural significance of the word "love" to a western Man, for instance, we would only tell someone we loved them if we had already decided that we want to marry them. I never seemed to get this message across !!!

So, in summary, what you are seeing is not unique to you and your Lady/Ladies ...but also in summary, I dont think they are saying "I love you and I want to marry you". I believe it is a signal that they regard you as something very special and want to progres the relationship.
Maybe its a cultural thing, perhaps some of the married Bros will have a comment about it
DavidE

[Irishman]

I'd read that with extreme scepticism to be honest. Chinese ladies rarely say "I love you" with meaning. I'd be strongly inclined to believe the translator is putting that in.
That said , i would read it as "i like you".

I like my Ling, a whole lot, but truthfully, I don't have a deep feeling of "love " for her yet and have told her as much.
I think the word "love" is used far too cheaply these days, really lasting love grows through deep friendship and trust is my opinion. Maybe I'm turning into an old fart but that's how i feel. I told Ling that i would only tell her I love her when I genuinely feel it and she said she feels the same and that she would do the same for me.
Ling tells me that between most Chinese couples they rarely if ever say the words "I love you", that their actions show it more than words ever could so the words are not needed. That said when i was practising saying the sentence "Wo ai ni" her eyes did light up a bit!

[Vince G]

You have to take it as it is. You know it's not meant as Love? 2 EMF's and Loves you? As suggested it may also be the translator thinking it's what you want to hear? My lady and I took months before the word was written with a feeling behind it. We didn't say Love you until we actually did.

A long time ago before the forums I was writing this young lady that right off the bat was saying she loved me. If I didn't write back right away she would send letters asking why and what did she do? She will do better if I write her, etc. Now first I was writing others at that time and she knew it. I didn't know the translator pumping up the EMF's at that time. What I did was wrote her an honest letter back to "Don't be so needy" it's not becoming and doesn't help. I also told her her feelings might be many things but not Love. She wrote back she understood and thanked me for being honest with her. She was in her thirties but acted like a 18 year old. I ended it with her after a while. I did write her like a year later to see how she was and she had another writing her and was happy. I wished her well and moved on.

But that's me, and I felt I needed to straighten her out and calm her down. It wasn't helping the way she was replying. I wasn't going to write her out of guilt.

[ttwjr32]

I am like irishman with one exception  ' i am an old fart'  but i think David
 said it right  "i love you" at first is i am very fond of you.  if the lady is genuine
 i mean that. if they are not genuine and trying to hook you then they say this
 very fast. but i think for the most part is they are fond of you and are looking
 forward to seeing were it will lead.  remember for the most part these ladies
 are not used to the constant kind words from a man who expresses gratitude
 and kindness towards them because in my observations and experiences from
 my many trips to china i have seen and heard them treated as a second class
 citizen at times by the men. so when a man who comes along who isnt like
 that they really like you at first because everyone wants to be treated with the
 respect and dignity that should be afforded themselves. if you like the lady Yoshii
 then keep writing her and see were it will lead. once you have found the lady
who takes your heart away you will embark on a wonderful journey with her in
life. just my two cents worth from the old fart in california
Ted

[shaun]

All good comments above.  I guess I have learned well from the wisdom in this site. Four months and I have not said the l word yet.  I used fond of, you are special, I have become infatuated but not love.  Pinky has used the word love since about the fourth EMF and I have questioned her about it.  I told her that love is more than an intellectual thing.  I need to look into her eyes, touch her skin, feel the warmth of our embrace, there are other things but you get the idea and all of the things I say only excites her and wants me to come to her sooner.  She thanks me for being truthful and not leading her on.  This is important to her as she is looking for honesty in a man.  Her ex-husband was not an honest man from what she tells me.

One of my simple rules is to always leave her wanting more so I am always holding back just a little.

Shaun

[maxx]

Yoshii it is the translater putting the flowery words in the letters.The translater thinks it will make you write more.Get something started sooner

[JimB]

I do not know about  ya'll.  But my wife and i never said I love you in an EMF.  And I know now the translator was writing most of the letters.  Now we were saying that you are a person that I could fall in love with.  But I had made it clear in the beginning that with the words I love you came a strong committment and I wanted neither of us to use it until we met.  Now I did feel like I loved her before we met but never said that.  I told her we had something special.  but, again it was mostly the translator.  I never felt really in love with her until we had spent some time together.  Now we are married and I am the happiest guy.  The luckiest guy.  I asked her about he love thing just a few minutes ago.  She said that a lot of women use it because the do not know what else to say especially if they want the man to stay around and know them better.  So I wouldnt read too much into it at this time. And in talking marriage she might be trying to find out what you think about it. But, i would be careful in my replies.

I had women saying they loved me and wanted to marry me after the 3rd letter.  Them I dropped faster than supermans bullet.

[Ed W]

The way I see it is the translator is trying to ensure the relationship moves along toward that loving relationship. I know my wife, or translator, started using the love word about two weeks into it. That was writing daily letters.

It's not unreasonable to to expect this but I remember writing something clever regarding taking the proper time to get to know each other and building the love for one another. It's not only the translator who sets the pace but you as well.

Dont be afraid to speak your mind. It's my guess that she'll respect your thoughts of wanting to build a longlasting relationship and not rush it too much.

[Willy The Londoner]

I was woken at 3am one morning and she mnust have been awake allnight practising the phrase as her English is non existant.  She just said 'I really,really love you'.

Willy

[ahkiwi]

all of the things I say only excites her and wants me to come to her sooner.
One of my simple rules is to always leave her wanting more so I am always holding back just a little.

Shaun

lol Shaun, if you're not careful she'll be swimming over :icon_cheesygrin:

I was woken at 3am one morning and she mnust have been awake allnight practising the phrase as her English is non existant. She just said 'I really,really love you'.

Willy

aww, that's so sweet - you're a lucky guy Willy

[Arnold]

It's funny , Qing and I tell each other ( I love you ) .. whispering into each other's Ear .. either "Wo ai nong" or "Ich liebe dich" more so than in English . When we write it's normally I love you . Go figure ?

[Peter]

Irish wrote: I'd read that with extreme scepticism to be honest. Chinese ladies rarely say "I love you" with meaning. I'd be strongly inclined to believe the translator is putting that in.
That said , i would read it as "i like you".

I think that this is the case.. The translator is trying to keep you warm.. When my wife say "I love you " she also look me in my eyes and I know it is for real. It is so easy to write something because you doesn't need to stand up for it in the same way. If your Lady say it in a webcam chat I think she means it..

[Sylvain D]

Something that I like in that thread is that I was with Liyan in Gz for 5 days. Even if she told me that she loved me (after I told her about my feelings and so that I loved her), she told me maybe ... 2 or 3 times.
But she already told me something related to "promise".
When I was back home, I sent her a morning "do you love me?" via sms and then she replied "why you ask again?"
I then said "dui bu qi, don't want to offend" and then later on QQ I told her it was "just" an asking. She told me that she could promise me but not to say that "much" often or something like that.
Anyway, I know she really loves me because of our story and many other things related inside that story.

So, chinese people seem to attach much more "importance" to sweet words as "I love You", than us, western people. But, anyway, their way to tell it seems to be very "rare", as said Ronan before
But it is best when said face to face, instead that before the first meeting...

[Arnold]

Sly , Qing tell's me she Loves me all the time . So it depends on the Person . I have no need to be asking her that question . This goes for pretty much every Woman , melt her Heart and SHOW her how much you LOVE her ... she will tell you I Love you many times all on her own . Especially if you encourage her to do so and show her how you like to hear it coming from her . We are in that way much like Women , sorry to say .:icon_cheesygrin: