China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => The Campfire => Topic started by: Neil on September 27, 2009, 11:16:05 pm
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http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work
I've been a little down lately. Long distance relationship blues I suspect. I only have a year to go but it's difficult sometimes. I did a quick Google search and found this link so I figured I'd share it. Maybe it'll help. There are some good ideas.
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Neil I can share in your discomfort as all of us that have met our new love can attest - the waiting tears at the heart.
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I leave in 9 days and I dread it already. I plan on coming back in February but QQ is the thing that held us together before. twice a day. My world revolved around those times. I think it is the greatest thing.
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JimB, what are your plans for when you get back, are you filing for a K-3 or CR-1 visa or are you going to return and stay in China?
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Being away from my beloved is not good. But we talk on MSN everyday - it's great to share each other's day, no matter how ???? it was :s.
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Yup, it can be REALLY hard, the waiting and being apart for a long time. I went to China 3 times in the past year to be with my wife and still that was not enough for me, I almost went into a depression here back home in Canada, I told my wife "TO HELL WITH IT" , I am packing up my Stuff, selling the house and moving to China to be with her, I don't give a damn, after we will figure stuff out. However she calmed me down, I put my 2 feet back on the ground. There were so many different emotional crap that I never really experienced before in my life. One day it would be frustration, another day it would be deep sadness and sorrow, the next it would be joy, trying to think of the moment we will finally reunite again (for good!) talk about an emotional roller coaster. I can honestly say, one of the most hardest moments for me in my life, was saying good-bye to my wife at the airport the first time, God that was rough. The second hardest thing of all is the waiting, and the waiting, and the waiting, it has been more then a year now and still we are not together. That damn Canadian Embassy sure drags it's ass, everything has been done, all the paperwork,interviews, all has "passed",,and still we must wait for those clowns to issue the visa. We are suppose to get news in 4 weeks time now. I told my wife,,one way or another we will defiantly be together by Christmas time !!! Visa or no visa !! There is only so much a person can take, and I have had enough, I am at the end of my rope !! You know, when you have been waiting, and everyone tells you to wait a little longer, then you wait,,,,,then they tell you to wait some more,,,and again you wait,,,,and once more they tell you to wait,,,and wait,,and wait,,,and some point you have to draw the line, I can not wait any longer, I am a patient guy,,but I know longer have the strength or the patients to continue like this, it is even starting to effect my health. The days, weeks, and months are passing by,,I am not getting any younger,,and my life is on hold at the moment, (our lives together are on hold). I love my wife very much, and I will never abandon her, I will find a way for us to be together, if that means that I must go to China, then so be it.
Sorry for venting a little here, but it is just so frustrating. I have spoken to a friend of mine, he is currently in China with his wife, and he has had enough as well,,the American Embassy is giving him grief, he also has provided all the paperwork and such,,still no answer from them after so many, many months. I also have another Canadian friend,,and it is the same story with him and his wife,,waiting and waiting for the visa. (they have also been approved) Someone should be held accountable for this crap, someone, somewhere is not doing their job right, and it is those idiots at the Embassy.:@
I do not know about the American immigration system, but I will tell you a little about the screwed up system we have here in Canada. We get ILLEGAL immigrants each day, they fly into Canada from other countries, while in the air on their flight to Canada, they destroy their passports and other identification, flush it down the toilet on the plane,,then they walk into the airport, go to the counter, and ask for refugee status !! Guess what happens next? yup, the Canadian government gives them money, gives them a place to stay(temperarly), and helps them in every way possible to get started with their new life in Canada. I have nothing against immigrants,,it is the system that is in place that I have a problem with. Here I am doing everything buy the book LEGALLY, signed governmental and immigration documents that states I will be responsible for my wife, and I have to wait, go through hell, go through their dysfunctional system, and here I am a year later, and still no wife with me!? This is what I would do if I was in charge,,illegal immigrants,,return them to their countries on the next flight out and tell them to apply for immigration status like everyone else if they wish to come here and live. Those that did everything "by the book",and signed for the other person (sponsored) let them into the country.
There,I said my 2 cents.:exclamation::dodgy:
Okay, to get back on topic,,,,"How to make a long distance relationship work" , Lot's of determination, understanding, deep love for each other (couple) , commitment, and this web site for us guys to help each other through the rough moments.(and to allow and understand when another brother is venting) :icon_biggrin:
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I understand your pain Bob. We all need to vent sometimes. It's healthy. Cleansing. Ever thought about kickboxing or weightlifting? haha. Just kidding.
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It's allright Bob that is what we are here for to help each other.And to listen to them vent about the immagration process in there country.
In the United states they do the same thing.If a Cuban gets on a boat and the boat touches land in America.They are granted asilum.It comes with all the fringe benifits to.
I ran into a American in Guangzhou.He had ben trying for 2 and a halfe years to get his wife a visa.It took me and my wife 11 months for her to get the visa.I also flew to China 4 times in thoose 11 months.
So I do know where you are comming from.I just kept telling myself that one day all this crap would be over with.And then one day it was.Just hang in there your getting real close.
Maxx
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Bob,
Your dead right about our countries immigration laws. In reality the west shouldn't be seeing any refugees, we are far too far, from the countries that they frequently come from. By pure logic, refugees would be fleeing to the nearest safe country, not a country thousands of miles away.
These people are just flouting the system, for simple economic reasons , nothing to do with being refugee's or asylum seeking. Some of these people physically cross tens of sovereign country borders to get to where THEY want to go. Absolutely nothing to do what-so-ever with fleeing for there own safety......
Then when they get to there chosen country, ...out come all the ''Do Gooder's'' helping them in just about every way possible to claim every benifit possible!!!!! Where are these people when there own countrymen needs help??
So everything that you wrote above is correct. The western governments seem to be frightened of world opinion for some reason, because there efforts to repatriate these people seems to be almost non-existent......
The vast majority of these illegals are uneducated and/or unskilled, so are an even bigger burden to the country they drop there self on!! As you say, get them back to where they originate, and let them apply legally and officially like everyone else has too.....
David.....
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Here in the US there are immigrants coming in EVERY DAY. Everything is MONEY motivated. Those "Do Gooder's" as David said I call vultures. They will sponsor them, take them in, get rent money/food and other ways of income from them. Pay for false ID's and help them disappear into the woodwork.
The Cubian "wet foot dry foot" as it's called. The boat does not have to make land just them. If they swim to shore and make it they stay? Haitians and Mexicans, South Americans have it different. Most that I meet are here on Work Visa's.
Miami / Miami Beach, USA..... bring your Passport, it's like your in another country. I had to do some work at one of the Hotels in Miami Beach. (I've done many there) out of the dozen (12) people working there, 4 at the desk the rest in the office, 1 spoke english. I read about the hotels in China how they speak english and will help? Not so here.
These people that work in government jobs (and immigration) here are idiots. Don't worry I tell them so to their face. I recently spoke with one that works for the unemployment agency. I asked how she got the job? I was told a Temp Agency?
What is so hard for immigration to see a couple married, that had been a couple for a certain time before and after and not declare this legal and let it fly? I think they take enjoyment in making people suffer.
Now with the US companies having there manufacturing done in other countries it's no wonder why Americans are jumping boarders themselves for work.
As for me I have Plans A, B, C, D, However they want to play it? I have a counter move. F' them.
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Greetings Brothers,
I feel your pain my firends I really do.
Bob, I am Canadian also and I have decided not to play their bs games with immigration. I am packing up in Canada and moving to China Oct 26 2009. I will not be parted from my Zhen while watching these streams of illegals walk into Canada while honest law abiding folk try to work with the system and get abused.
So I have discussed this with Zhen and I am moving to China to find a teaching job. Once my divorce is complete hopefully by Dec. I will marry Zhen and we will live there until our son RuiChen graduates from school. This will be 2-3 years from now. At that point we will decide if coming to Canada is what we want to do. At least then the immigration beauracrats cannot say she is just after a trip to Canada as we will have been togethert for 3 years.
I told my Zhen early in our letters that if we married I would never leave her in China while I came back to Canada. Once we are commited to each other, which we are now body and soul, we will be together and deal with things together.
I honestly do not know how you married guys do it I really dont. You all have my deepest respects for having the guts and the fortitude to go through all this BS to be with the lady you love. However having said that I know that I cannot do that, I cannot live apart from Zhen.
I have been back from my trip less than 10 days and already I cannot bear it. So I do what I must and return to her. Sure logic says to stay in Canada, wait out the divorce, go back and marry her and then start the proceedings to bring her here. Well for me that is not an option. We are so totally one that I could not live that way and will not live that way. So I go to her.
Once again guys my deepest respects to those who continue to fight the sytem in hopes of getting their ladies home with them. I wish all of you the best of luck and my hopes for a long and happy life together, you all deserve it and more.
All our respects,
Zhen and Brian
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I just do not know how you guys manage.
I arrived back in UK yesterday and already I want to get back to China. I have met a lady who I miss and cannot imagine having to wait months to see her again. I return to China in 8 days time and cannot wait for this short period to pass so I can be with her again.
I think that this is the one who tames the Willy and even Viagra takes a back seat now.
Willy
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All well said by our wordsmith Brian , just a note for any newbies reading this thread , it maybe that your loved one is more than happy with their man moving to China , until one has been there no Western person has any idea of how China is leaping ahead , and how welcome we are .
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I am considering moving out there, but I have a bit of baggage here. I'd love to find an expat IT job out there, maybe I will be lucky when the economy improves.
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Brett , nothing wrong with China's economy , they are still running at 8 percent growth and even Australia is in the black unlike Britain and U S of A , and a lot of Europe .
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Guys, I really hope you can move there with your ladies and be happy. As for me I thought maybe i could. but now i know I cannot. I miss my home. My home is the USA. I cannot claim another country above it. Of course i want my wife with me. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. it is a personal decision that each of us has to make. Until you have tried it, you cant completely be sure if it is for you. The Shark and Willy and a couple of others have done it and are happy. My hat goes off to you. I cant. maybe this celebration has set me off. But I cannot claim a communist country for my own. They have changed, absolutely and I have not seen any abuse of power here with my own eyes. I have seen more in the US than here. but I cannot give up on my country. I know that you guys are not turning your backs on your countries. I am not implying that at all so do not misunderstand. I am sure you are loyal to whatever country that is your own. it is just that i cant do it. I have stayed here long enough to know it is not for me. I would suggest before you cut your ties and make a move that you cannot undo. Try it for a while. That is all I am trying to say.
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JimB, sorry to hear that brother...HOWEVER....I can totally understand:huh:
You tried it and unfortunetly it didn't work out as well as you hoped, nothing wrong with that.:blush:
As for me, I am Scottish and the pull of Scotland will ALWAYS bring me back, she is and always will be My HOMELAND. I have live in ENGLAND for the best part of my life, but SCOTLAND will always be home no matter where I sleep at night...
Having spoke to the shark, he 'deep down' feels the same as you, the USA is HIS/YOUR home, and he too won't give up on it, which is quite right, you SHOULD NEVER give up on that...
Good luck with what you have to do mate, and YOU know what that is....!!!!!
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Greetings Brothers,
Jimb I totally understand what you are saying. However, for me I can live without Canada for 3 years far easier than I can live without Zhen for 3 minutes!!. Zhen and I both agree that my living in China these next couple, three years is a temporary thing until RuiChen finishes High school. Once that is complete we will decide at that point where to live. Now having said that the plan all along is for us to come back to Canada when the schooling is done.
In fact I am setting up my investments and finances based on a return to Canada. Perhaps I am lucky in that I can somewhat afford to take the risk and make the leap of faith requird to do this. If it fails then all I have lost is money, and as we all know money isnt anything compared to our love for our lady. So for me its just not possible for me to leave Zhen in China while I am not there with her.
I was born in Scotland and moved to Canada at 15 yrs old. I joined tha Canadian Armed Forces at 17 and did 12 years. I have lived in Alberta Canada since 1983 and it was home to me until I met Zhen. Now Zhen is home to me. I dont care where we live as long as we are together, and she feels the same way. Yes Canada is my country but Zhen is my life and I have to put life over country.
Wow a long winded way of saying I will be where Zhen is heheh.
Regards,
Zhen and Brian
PS While I was over there for my visit in September, everything felt so right for me there. Yes it was probably because of Zhen but when I was in the airport for the flight tback to Canada and I saw all the foreigners, I actually did not consider myself to be one of them. I have never considered myself to be a lao wei, and was never treated as one while there. All Zhens friends and family treated me as one of them and as I said it felt so right. So for me its an easy move.
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JimB,
I understand how you feel and I do love my country but, like Brian, I feel more at home when I am in China and like Brian, it feels right, I am a part of the lives of the people I know thereI feel I have more of a family there then I do here and I know that is a shame to say but thats the way I feel, when I'm in China, I feel like I am home, I relax more, I don't feel as though I will be asked for something I don't want to give, as a matter of fact, I haven't been asked for anything except that I make Zhou and Lili happy, here, I am asked for money, favors, and all by family and as for the favors, I don't mean the usual ones like can you help me move the sofa or fix my car?, I mean ones like, can you find out if this person has been in trouble with the law?, I can't do this, I mean I can find out but I can't tell someone , anyone that wants to know, that info is for my use only.
When I am in China I am asked if I could move the chair but not by the house member but by my wife, this I don't mind, I am asked if I want or would like anything, food, a neck rub, a beer, and this helps me relax, oh and I am asked if I would help with the children, this if they new how much I like doing this they would never ask again, they would just tell the kids to find me.
JimB, I really do understand, but I can't wait until I can retire to our home in China.
Good luck and best wishes,
Zhou & Mike
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Whatever you decide JimB then I am sure that it will be the correct decison to suit you. The UK has changed so much over the past 30 years that I have decided to be a 'foreign' in another country rather than to remain a 'foreigner' in the country in which I was born.
I have decided that my future is in China. I probably have more friends in China than I have in the UK. I can walk down the street and in a short while will have spoken to many people.
The people are more friendly here and it gives me great pleasure to walk into my branch of the Bank of China and to be greeted as 'Willy' by the staff and then directed to an empty tellers booth which is quickly filled by an English speaking staff member. Ok so i get a bit of extra attention but is that because of who I am rather than what I am?
I'm with MLM. In China I feel at home. Ok so it took a little while to get used to being treated like a King by my girlfriend, to take that extra grape that she has peeled and removed the pips from but get used to it I have.
I can cough and gob with the best of them, fart at the table without any hint of embarrassment and spit the bones and other odd and ends onto a polished table with no hesitation. I can be on foot in the center of a 6 lane carriageway and almost challenge the oncoming speeding car to take me on. To me this has become everyday living.
No one asks me for anything but by God I get a lot from them. As Brian said it was an easy move.
Willy
Now Brian say after me - 'Zhen will be where I am' - it may just so happen that you will be where Zhen is but you will be in control!!!!
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" Now Brian say after me - 'Zhen will be where I am' - it may just so happen that you will be where Zhen is but you will be in control!!!! "
oh yeah, right :icon_cheesygrin: ROFLMFAO, we know who is in charge, I guess we will just let him think he is for a while longer:icon_biggrin:, it'll keep him happy :angel:
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Guys, I really hope you can move there with your ladies and be happy. As for me I thought maybe i could. but now i know I cannot. I miss my home. My home is the USA. I cannot claim another country above it.
I hope I can get my question across easily for I'm still on my second cup of coffee. :icon_biggrin:
I sense a negativity about China? in your post. Is there a reason behind this? or is it just you are missing the things your use to?
Moving there is still something I have to experience so I have not come to that crossroad. I don't see it as giving up my country? I won't be giving up my citizenship, just where I'm living. Who knows? they may throw me out of there? As some know I'm not one for not keeping quiet and telling it as it is.
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Greetings Brothers,
Guys it sure is true what has been said. The way we are welcomed over there is quite unusual for me. Sure here in the west i have never felt that I didnt belong, its just that the people I have met and the friends I have made through Zhen make me feel so much more welcome. Zhen has an astonishing number of friends and so far I have been treated as a friend or more by every one of them. I think they all see how Zhen and I are together and that probably has a lot to do with it. Also as Willy says I now have more friends over there than I do here in Canada.
The hardest part for me will be leaving my daughter behind for these years but then I cannot leave Zhen behind so its a tough but easy choice to make. I will take a webcam to my EX so my daughter and I can communicate while I am gone and hopefully when she grows up some she will understand. She is not yet 3 years old so it will be easier for her now than later but with luck I will be back in 3 years at the most with Zhen at my side and Emma will have yet another parent hehe. As she is adopted and we are in touch with her birth family both in Canada and Australia, Emma has more parents and grandparents than she can count hehe.
MLM yes its true we like to think its us in charge and thats the way they want us to think heheh but I already know that Zhen is in control. Not that I am complaining. I have never been so loved or cared for in my life so giving up a little control ( ok total control hehe) is not hard. Zhen has said that as soon as I get a job there she will move to wherever that is to be with me and start our life together. How could I possibly ask for more.
So as I say for me the move is easy, but I do understand those who are not as free as I am and have committments they cannot easily break and you all have my deepest respect. This is not an easy road and as has been said by many its not for everyone. I am just totally happy that it has worked out so well for me.
Now when I think back I only wish this had happened years ago. But then our past is what led us to our present and show the way to our future. When it is meant to happen it will so no regrets from me. I have found the perfect woman for me to spend my life with, and after all isnt that why we are all here?
Regards,
Zhen and Brian
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I must admit the first time I got back from China I felt relieved not to be stared all the time, that gets old really fast.
The second time time I was in Beijing and Tianjin and there wasn't so much staring , maybe because they are used to seeing laowai there so didnt feel like i stuck out like a sore thumb as much.
That said I do get a slight feeling of helplessness and frustration when I cant read or speak the local language and most of the locals cannot speak mine either.
Little things can become a bit niggling - like in every supermarket no matter what time of day you go, there will be a queue ahead that will move at total snails pace. Even if there isn't many people ahead of you somebody always has a problem with the price of something and will make a fuss, it get tiresome when you just want to pay for your stuff and get out of there!
My first priority when moving there is to try and pick up reading and writing as absolutely fast as i can, and secondly find a supermarket that's not busy or at least one thats not busy at some time of the day and then do my weekly shop there!
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Little things can become a bit niggling - like in every supermarket no matter what time of day you go, there will be a queue ahead that will move at total snails pace. Even if there isn't many people ahead of you somebody always has a problem with the price of something and will make a fuss, it get tiresome when you just want to pay for your stuff and get out of there!
Sometimes its pays to be a foreigner or maybe it pays to be a Willy. I go into the bank and collect my ticket and I am willing to wait patiently for my number to be called. Then one of the tellers spots me and next thing they are waving and calling me by name and suddenly they open a desk just for me. Probably just to practise their English and not for my sparkling personality.
Willy
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Mike,
I think you'll need more than just a mask, you'll have to have his ''gift of the gab'' too!!
And that don't come to all, too easily..... lol!!
David....
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Mike,
You should know by now, there's always a ''catch'', somewhere along the line!! ...lol!!
It's not just having the gift of the gab either, ...you have to know the art of ''Ducking and Diving'' too. But Willy is, as always a fair man, so i'm sure he'll accommodate you in your quest for lessons!! hahaha!!
David........
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Simple answer...Become a Londoner hahahaha:angel:
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Vince, Everyone here has made me more than comfortable. Her/now My family have gone out of their way to take me into their homes and lives. Her friends have also taken me into their hearts. I know this. it is not that. I just know this isnt my home and can never be. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying anything negative to anyone that can do this. I think the best of luck to you. It just isnt for me. I thought I could but now realize I cant. I am just saying before anyone burns their bridges they should make sure they can. Good luck and god bless. I am not questioning anyones patriotism either, that is not for me to do nor any of my business. And I hope before anyone gets stuck here they know for sure they will be happy doing it. I just dont know how anyone can make that decision after just 10 days here. Brian it is really none of my business but I hope you really know what you are doing by uprooting yourself after just a short time. Leaving everything you know and are comfortable with after such a short time here. Leaving a 3 year old daughter, even if it is for only 3 years. I truly hope it all works for you. No one will be happier for you than me if it works.
It is funny this evening I am in a Spinelli's coffee shop waiting for my wife while she shops. I run into an American. Actually the first one who has started a conversation with me. He asked me what I was doing here etcetera. I told him I was anxiously awaiting to go home. He said he wished he could. When asked he said he has been here for five years, he is in radio broadcasting. He came here to get some world experience and knew that the women in China are some of the most beautiful in the world and wanted to experience them. He said due to circumstances he is actually stuck here if he wants to continue working. He said he has been trying to get back to the states to work, but with the economy the way it is he cannot. Anyway for reasons too long to go into he is stuck here for a couple of more years and said if he had to do it over he would not have moved here. This isnt home for him either even after 5 years.
For me it has been a great adventure. I have learned so many things about myself. I have found the love of my life. I never want to leave her, but I have to. I have also learned to thine own self be true. You would think at 58 I would already know this. But my life was tuned upside down by my divorce. I have also learned that most everyone here is a friend and we can be honest with each other without the fear of being taken for just being mean and nasty and we can just agree to disagree.
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Jim
Two of the most famous quotes are totally apt for you and they are
"To thine own self be true...."
and
"Home is where the heart is...."
Best of luck to you and your family...:icon_biggrin:
The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'
The real way is through hard work, humour and determination
:angel:
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Greetings Brothers,
JimB I totally understand what you are saying I really do. However as I said previously I can live without Canada for 3 years far easier than I can live without Zhen for 3 minutes. This time being apart since I returned to Canada has been the most painful and trying of my life. I have never felt for another human being what I feel for Zhen. I cannot bear to be apart from her at all , the only reason I bear it now is because I know it will be the last time we are parted.
True its been a short whirlwind romance and engagement, but nothing in my life has felt so right. I could stop breathing easier than I could give Zhen up. There is no power on earth capable of tearing me away from her and she feels the same.
I have always had the ability to make tough decisions like this and not be burdened by doubts or fears. I know the woman I was born to spend the rest of my life with waits for me in China. Her name is LiZhen. I have absolute unshakeable faith in this. The way we fell so hard and so fast when we started writing, through all our letters sometimes two per day but always at least one a day, through the most marvelous two weeks in China when I went to her, to the decision less than a week after I returned that I could not be parted from her from now until February, to the determination to go and live with her now, every step and every thought has been as clear as can be and feels utterly right!!
I have absolutley no fear that this will not work. I have absolutely no doubt that she feels the same as I do. She has said many times that when I come over to teach on the 26th of Oct. she will come to wherever I am to be with me. Even if I do not have a position before I leave I am not worried. I have enough money set aside that if spent wisely there I can live for 2-3 years if needed, and that is long enough to marry her and return to Canada. So I could in essence retire there for 3 years, return to Canada and return to work here and still be fine.
Since I have this luxury I know I do not have to worry about things. The only worry is can I stay in country that long. For me the money is of far less importance that my love for Zhen and Zhen herself. Everything in my life is now secondary to being with Zhen. Yes sometimes it scares me the depth of our committment to each other, but as I have said previously we are destined to be together, and we all kow you dont mess with destiny.
So I thank you all for your concern for me and perhaps it appears that I am being unthinking and impulsive. Rest assured I could not possibly think about this anymore than I do but there is not even the tiniest of shadows of doubt anywhere.
Zhen and I will be married as soon as my divorce is complete and I can get my certificate of single. We will then live the rest of our lives together, in China first then Canada, and or wherever we feel the urge to be. Who knows we may come to Canada sooner or even later but we will always be together, and that is all I ask. To spend the rest of my life with the woman I love and who loves me in return.
I have finally found every mans dream, and I will never let her go.
Regards my brothers and I hope you all find the happiness that Zhen and I have found
Zhen and Brian
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The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'
The real way is through hard work, humour and determination
:angel:
And here I thought it was by narrowing the distance :s
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The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'
The real way is through hard work, humour and determination
:angel:
And here I thought it was by narrowing the distance :s
Greetings Brothers,
Well guys I will let you know soon enough. I will combine both approaches, narrow the distance to hugging range, lots of determination and hard work and all the humour Zhen and I can come up with. Of course we will add in love, romance and and a healthy dose of ......
Regards,
Zhen ad Brian
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Boy Brian , you start to sound more and more like Qing and Myself . Hahaha
Really !!!!
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Good luck! I may have to make the same decision myself someday.
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Brian (and others),
I've read what Jim has said and your reply to him. He is right in what he said about uprooting yourself, so quickly without really knowing what your letting yourself into. Living and making a life in China is a LOT different than going on a two or three week trip. This has nothing to do with the money side of things either. It has everything to do with having the right temperament, and character to over come, the feeling of being isolated by language and culture that you will be living in.
During my time in China, the companies i worked for had huge staff turnovers, where guy's just couldn't come to terms with there environment and language difficulties. They found that every day after the initial, excitement of seeing and doing things in this strange environment, became a daily form of stress to them. In other words, they were just not cut out, to live and work overseas, away from everything they knew and there families... From the time that they first arrived full of enthusiasm, to the time they realised that this wasn't for them, averaged out between 3 to 6 months. Now you also have to remember that these guys were primarily in a English speaking environment during there working hours, and were also living the same in a housing situation too. As the company had rented a complete well equipped housing block for it's Expat English speaking employee's...
From the start of a project to the end of that project, only around 15% of the original Engineers and administration staff remained!!!!
The fact is, if your not cut out for living and working overseas (and you won't find that out until your there, unless you have lived overseas before) you will definitely start to feel isolated. If your not working, and therefore have no outside interest so to speak, you will feel ''Far More'' isolated, and even maybe resentful of having to stay there, especially if you have nothing to go back too, in your own country....
This isn't just aimed at you Brian, but to all those that are intending to make a life in China. The success or failure, is firmly set in those individuals having the right temperament, character and probably personality to survive the initial isolation. To also have the will and determination to learn the language and integrate into the surrounding community.
We know it can be done, we have only to look at Willy and China Shark Mike. I know that Mike had lived overseas before settling in China, and we all know that he can hack his new environment. lol!! Willy, ...well Willy is Willy, he has a character and temperament that will see him do well in most environments he ever found himself in!! ...hahaha!!
I guess i'm just saying to all those planning on taking this leap of faith, to be ''Aware'', because it certainly isn't the life for everyone that tries it....
David....
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For me? I don't know yet. I've been searching for the perfect place to live here in the US. The right area, the right amount of land, the moderate house with a large barn like shop in the back (i'll build it if I have to). Not to far from civilization. You see I'm not really a city boy but not a country boy either. None of this is possible in China, well not the way I picture it.
There we would have an apartment and I won't be driving. I think it would be a great adventure but I'm not sure if being outside my comfort zone for a very long time will work? I'm not sure if saving face appeals to me as in your face? I don't think it's the same telling them to shove it when they attempt to rip you off. :fi_lone_ranger:
So currently the only way to combat the two main ideas of where to live is half year there half here. My ladies fine with this. She may have her own self questions?
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I think you all need to read again what David50 and what Jimb wrote again.I think we also Need Paul Todd's imput on this.These guys have lived this.Done this and have the T-shirts.
Being An Expat.Isn't all its cracked up to be.The isolation that David wrote about is only part of it.It is a huge part of it.But there is other things that go with it.Your choosen countries customs and culture.Can cause you big problems.
Before anybody does this I think you need to think long and hard about it.
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And upon reflection - we can maybe begin to understand the difficulties our own wives will face when it is they that relocate. :-/
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Rhonald that is a good point
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Greetings Brothers,
David 5o, nice to see your words of reason. I fully understand what you are saying. Also I am aware that 2 weeks in country does not a china man make hehe, however until I try this I will never know. As far as ripping myself out from the world I know and leaving family and life behind, well that is not as difficult for me as for most.
My family has never been close. It is a long standing joke with us that the only time we hear from each other is when something is wrong. The last time my family was together as a family was when Dad passed 8 years ago. I havent seen my older sister or brother other than that time for well over 10 years, and we do not keep in touch. Sounds strange I know but that is the way we are.
As for picking up and moving on my own well I have done that too. I joined the Canadian Armed Forces at 17 years old and never looked back. I was so young at that time I had to eat like a mad fool to put on enough weight to meet the minimum requirement!! I guess I could be called the black sheep of my family. It seems I can make the decision to do something radical like this and most times it works for me. When I left the military I went to Edmonton with no job and no contacts. I met my EX there in april engaged in June and married in Sept all in the same year.
So for me the only issue is going to be the language and cultural differences.The language, well I will have Zhen to help me learn chinese while I teach her english which she will need to come to Canada anyway. Also being emersed in the culture and language tends to make it easier to learn as you basically have no choice. I have discovered that I have great patience when trying to get my point across and have often had multi lingual conversations with people even though we dont speak the same language. I used to sell computers and often talked with non english speaking customers. More often than not the sale was made.
In Canada we have what is called Frech Immersion schools, where basically english speaking kids go into a school environment where only french is spoken. My immersion into China will be somewhat similar albeit much more in depth. If I want to learn chinese the best way is to live with chinese people and learn their language and culture and customs first hand. As you said its been done before by CSMike and Willy.
Zhen's friends are fully supportive of us and will also help make the transition easier. Its not like I am going there knowing no one. I have Zhen and her/our friends to help make this a success. The only issue at this point is how soon can I get a teaching position. If I can get one before I go so much the better, but if not I will have plenty of time and help to find one when I get there.
I have never in my life felt the way I do for Zhen. Being parted from her is so painful as to be unbearable. Since she cannot come to my world to live I have to go to hers. I have no illusions that this is going to be an extended vaction and everything will be sunshine and happiness. I understand there will be difficult times and frustration, however I also realize I have no choice. I have to be with Zhen and her with me. So I go to China. Besides, I also have a wonderful resource in our brotherhood here. What more support and advice could anyone ask for than this group of guys here.
If by some unforseen chance this does not work out and I cannot handle it then it is still not a huge issue. By the time it becomes unbearable Zhen and I will be married.If it comes down to it then I will have to do what the other guys do and return to Canada and get her visa to come to Canada. However she may have the same issues that you speak of for me and she may not be able to live here either.
This is one of the major issues of these long distance crooss cultural marriages I think. Finding a place to make our future life where both parties can feel comfortable, accepted and part of. By me doing ths before we are married we can at least determine if living in China is an option or not. If it is then we have an option if Zhen cannot be parted from China. If its not then we could be in for a world of trouble if Zhen cannot live in Canada for long periods. So to my mind its best to find this out now. Also a thought is that this will also give us time to get to know each other in a real life day to day situation and see how we handle these stresses before we marry.
So David and others, I am committed to this, I appreciate you being the voice of reason I really do. Its nice to see that we all care enough about each other to say these things and offer our advice. If only the rest of the world could work through issues like we do here it would be much better place for everyone to live in.
So again to all my thanks for your thoughts and concern and know that they are appreciated by both myself and Zhen. We will of course keep in touch and let everyone know of our story as it unfolds, both the good and the bad.
Regards,
Zhen and Brian
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Rhonald that is a good point
Well Maxx - I was just remembering your advice from another thread about this topic. See...I sometimes do listen :icon_biggrin:
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Rhonald that is a good point
Now we have two answers, this and the missing members. Glad you found yours...:icon_arrowu:
buzz
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Rhonald that is a good point
Now we have two answers, this and the missing members. Glad you found yours...:icon_arrowu:
buzz
I see you have a firm grip on the situation Buzz :icon_cheesygrin:
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Rhonald it is nice to see somebody is listening.
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Great post Brian. I suspect that I will be facing the same tough decision in a few years. I would like my lady to live in the UK for a couple of years first though, although where we live after that who knows. I have a huge advantage in that I work for a University, so I can fast track her English skills up to a good standard. Hopefully I can do the same with my Mandarin.
I guess our future plans will depend on economic conditions, as both our careers are dependent on the state of the economy. Thankfully working in IT I can pretty much work anywhere that has Internet access.
The last time I went to Japan I did not get homesick at all. I really felt as if I belonged there. I think part of the secret was not keeping in touch with what was going on back home. It's tough, but I think it's what you have to do. My family aren't particularly close - they never come to visit me in Colchester, so moving to Asia won't make much difference lol.
I am really struggling with Mandarin and the Chinese characters. I think the biggest problem is that I haven't yet fallen in love with the language like I did with Japanese. Mandarin is just so alien - at least in Japanese the pronunciation is easy and a lot of the loan words are recognisable.
If you move to China you will learn the language pretty quickly though. I found that in Japan I began to learn the Kanjii characters for the station stops, so I didn't have to wait for the English signage to be displayed. In Hong Kong I began to be able to tell if someone was speaking Mandarin or Cantonese, although that's about as far as I got.
Good luck!