China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Andy on November 11, 2009, 11:06:26 am
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Since I get back home I have started to miss her. Even after 6 months of EMF letters now it feel just we really started our relationship. Yesterday after three hours of QQ sessions I did feel good, but it did not last long before I started to miss her again. I have never had a long distance relationship. I know some of you guys are even far more advanced into your relationship and maybe you can give me some advice how to deal with this.
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Here's how it goes for me.
I cannot almost bear it first couple of days back. I keep waking up thinking I'm back in China an shes there beside me but shes not...
That stops and you stop thinking of her every second to maybe only once a minute, then onean hour, but probably not more than that ever.
Because you are starved of sensory input from her, every contact becomes much more important, every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any.
When you realise you are at this stage you need to pull back re-asses and get a second opinion from the brotherhood before you do something stupid!
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I am not far ahead of my relationship with my lady as you are and I did not encountered those "symptoms". However I can see myself having those problems in the future. First couple of days at home I had the weird feeling that I am in China when I just woke up and before I opened my eye. It passed now as I know longer getting this feeling when I wake up. It was certainly a new thing for me.
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It was weird for me too. The first week we moved onto direct contact via QQ. Bad translations, bad connections, mixed in with fantastic moments of pure joy and a little sadness. The first month was a lot of loving and learning. The second month was tougher. She got busy, I got busy, translations got worse, we would go a week without contact and then feel frantic and miss each other terribly, have some great conversations and then back to time apart. Now we're finally finding our balance. We don't really have a schedule but we make time and keep each other informed about what is happening in our lives.
As a side note, not to hijack this thread - Nina finally got my package I sent over a month ago. Language cd's, a movie with Chinese subtitles and a letter from my Mother (who she calls her mother) that she can't stop gushing and raving about. It's moments like this that make it all worthwhile.
For advice, I'd say, find your balance. It will take time, it will take some ups and downs. It's different for everyone. For me balance means understanding and a sense of calm acceptance. Nothing I can do will change things quickly so we have to wait out the storm.
Like Irish says, never forget the 24 hour rule. Those shadows of doubt can be killer. Have faith, trust and love and it'll all work out good in the end.
Oh, one more thing. Keep busy. You'll drive yourself insane sitting at the computer waiting for her to come online, waiting for that email to show up. Get out, live your life, be the man that she fell in love with or be the man that she needs you to be.
It was hard for me because I don't have television, I use the computer for entertainment so I'm on it often. Sitting there, you become painfully aware how long it has been since you've last talked. I've had to find other things to occupy my time, and in the process have lost a lot of weight, gotten in better shape and started eating a lot healthier.
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Pal, it gets worse once you are married. I talk to her twice a day on QQ. we see each other and talk but after I am off I go into withdrawl. You start planning on the next trip. Try to focus on that rather than on the last time. Try to look ahead. I actually have a pillow I named for her. That way I can hold it at night. For me it seems to be getting worse now that it has been a month since i have been back. I spent 2 months with her and i got used to sleeping with her every night. used to being able to cuddle and spoon. That is the hard part. even if it was on a hard as a rock bed. LOL.
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Me and my wife had a schedule 2 web cams a day and 1 letter.Then I would go and visit every 3 or 4 months.Until she received her visa.
Irishman and Neil hit on a good point.The 24 hour rule must be followed.If you do not follow the 24 hour rule Your own doubts and fears.And uncertainty will destroy your relationship.That is why I counsel you guys to get out of your own heads.You get to thinking to much.Then you over think it.Then you have said something to your lady that can't be taken back and then it is all over with.And your standing there going what happened what did I do.Consequines and repercutions of your actions.Think about it before you do it.
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Great advices! I think that I will get busy. I will join a health club and also spend some time with my brother and my niece on the weekends. Over thinking is a serious problem with me and also I need to leave all doubt behind. I think that in later time it will get worst before it gets better so I hope to be ready for it. Jim you named a pillow after her? :icon_biggrin: Great idea to keep her close.
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Well Andy I am just so glad that I do not have to go through that heartache.
It is bad enough when I go back to the UK for a week. God knows what it would be like for weeks on end, months I could not take.
I take my hat off to all those who have to live apart.
Willy
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Since I get back home I have started to miss her. Even after 6 months of EMF letters now it feel just we really started our relationship. Yesterday after three hours of QQ sessions I did feel good, but it did not last long before I started to miss her again. I have never had a long distance relationship. I know some of you guys are even far more advanced into your relationship and maybe you can give me some advice how to deal with this.
Hi Andy,
I know it hurts and you miss her, but think about it this way...the more you miss her now, the better it will be when you are together again. Also consider what she's going through. It could be just as bad if not worse for her.
As some of the other guys have mentioned, do keep busy. But you can also think of ways to keep in each other's thoughts as well. Set up a schedule where you can see (sorta) each other and always be sending messages to each other.
And always look towards the future when you can be together again.
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haha , Jim B. you and me are doing the same ... with the Pillow . After my first Wife passed away , I took her Nightgown that she wore last and alway's placed it on her Pillow and than Cuddled it to fall asleep . I even took it to Germany in '07 . did that for some six month's .
Now , I do it but with the Pillow only and pretend it's my Wife ( Qing ) , but soon it's the real thing .
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Good useful thread! I am in the same boat.
The first afternoon without my lady I was distraught. The first week without her was very tough and it is not a good week to make any sort of decision (witness my minor meltdown here!) The 24 hour rule saved my relationship. I would also say that it's not good to make major decisions in China, wait until you get home, then wait until you recover from the trip (I was exhausted for 2 whole weeks after getting back, but I was quite ill out there).
I don't talk to my lady much at the moment. Sometimes I send her text messages but she doesn't always reply. I do have bouts of paranoia but I have to face up to it that the time difference is a nightmare, and my lady is now very busy and extremely tired to the point that she is making herself ill through overwork. She has worked 7 days a week since I saw her last month. Gentleman, please remember that all that cheap crap you buy from China is exacting a very heavy price on its overworked and underpaid workforce :exclamation:.
I still have some doubts about our relationship. We need to talk more. I haven't been EMF'ing too much as I'm getting increasingly aware that the more we use their services the larger my lady's eventual bill might be.
Sometimes I look at the lady profiles on chnlove, but it's just window shopping really. I think this is a good sign I have made the right choice.
I am making some progress with my Mandarin course, but uncertainties about my relationship mean I am not yet fully committed to learning. To be honest I should have waited until she was here with me, then I could have reviewed the lessons with her when I got home.
I am gradually getting on with my life. I think that is important. I do think about my lady a lot (maybe even constantly). I've lost interest in other things like the daily news. I do post my lady things - I have told her to keep everything I send as proof of our relationship.
I want to see my lady again, but I am waiting to speak to her about our next plans. It drives me nuts that she hasn't yet decided what to do, but I guess our ladies do like to take things slowly.
P.S. As to the postal service, everything I have sent from the UK has reached my lady (in deepest Hubei Province). However my postcards still have not arrived home, which has caused me to lose serious face with my family :icon_cheesygrin:.
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P.S. As to the postal service, everything I have sent from the UK has reached my lady (in deepest Hubei Province). However my postcards still have not arrived home, which has caused me to lose serious face with my family :icon_cheesygrin:.
Yes , I have send a couple Post Card's from China ( SH ) they never got there . But the three I have send from Hong Kong last Trip , they made it to America and Germany in five day's ... go figure ?
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Sorry to threadjack... but stop press - my postcard arrived, 25 days after I sent it!!!
I'm still missing my lady - again we haven't talked today grrrr.
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Brett,
A couple of points from your post... Can you explain how sending EMF's to your lady is going to increase her final/eventual bill with her agency?? She already knows the eventual bill, she has a signed contract telling her!! As far as the EMF's are conserned, your paying for them, so that in no-way is going to increase her bill!!!!!!
You keep calling the salary of your lady ''slave money'', it may well be compared to western salaries, but she isn't working in any of them, she's working in China, and frankly that's the going rate. Her bills and taxes are miniscule to what you pay, and her cost of living is also miniscule to yours. Everything is relevant my friend.
Now.... if i remember correctly, we were saying the same things about Japanese goods back in the 60's, as in that they were all ''crap''!! Now look at what Japan has achieved in those years since then!! The same thing will happen with China, only it wont take them as long.....
David......
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She tells me she wants the pillow when she gets here because of all of the love that is in it. We still chat twice a day. it is the best time of day for me and if we dont do it for some reason, I get to missing her more. Sometimes it is difficult to think of things to say because we talk twice but, just everyday stuff makes us feel like we are together anyway. Brett, I think it is important to keep the communication going, work gets in the way and most Chinese have a great work ethic so it is a difficult choice for them at times. Because my wife is a surgical nurse in a small hospital she gets called in any time of day or night if an emergency happens. She never tells them no of course.
Arnold I am really jealous of you man. 8 more days then your life starts for real. Right now I feel I am in a holding pattern.
If it werent for my daughter being pregnant and Bobby leaving for the war, I would go back for a month now. But I have to wait until February.
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She tells me she wants the pillow when she gets here because of all of the love that is in it .
Arnold I am really jealous of you man. 8 more days then your life starts for real. Right now I feel I am in a holding pattern.
Now that is Love .. Jim . Please save that Pillow for me .
Don't be jealous Jim , that is something we all got to pay the price for . To think it's now going to be almost two year's , since we started writing . I think we deserve it ... for the waiting to come to an end .:icon_cheesygrin:
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Here's how it goes for me.
I cannot almost bear it first couple of days back. I keep waking up thinking I'm back in China an shes there beside me but shes not...
That stops and you stop thinking of her every second to maybe only once a minute, then onean hour, but probably not more than that ever.
Because you are starved of sensory input from her, every contact becomes much more important, every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any.
When you realise you are at this stage you need to pull back re-asses and get a second opinion from the brotherhood before you do something stupid!
Interesting thread - about something crucial to us all in a sense.
I'm having these symptoms and I haven't even met my lady yet. This is the problem in a nutshell: "Every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any." My mood keep changing from one day to another depending on if I've received a letter from her or not and what she wrote. It's funny, I can be very disappointed with one letter when I first read it and then I read it again the next day and I can't find what was so disappointing in the first place. I guess my expectations play games with my head every time. :huh: And all the small questions of doubt that just won't disappear. Why didn't she tell me more about the package I sent to her? She said she was excited and happy but did not comment on the items. At first I felt that she told me she had received it although she hadn't but there's no sense to that, to be honest. And why doesn't she reply my emails like before? I know she works a lot but these kinds of questions can put you in a paranoia state of mind.
The best "solution" is to go and see the lady, I'm sure of that much. That will either clear some of the confusion or end the whole affair. Either way, it is better than staying home with ones own thoughts and concerns.
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Send her a big shirt. Tell her to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it
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Hi Andy,
I have quite a few things in common with you. I wrote to my lady for about six months before meeting her. I met her in exactly the same week you met your lady. She is also from Changsha. And we miss each other terribly.
Apart from all the helpful advice that has been given so far, I would recommend doing something physical. Take a picture of snow, like Arnold. Make something for her with your hands. I am carving a small stone sculpture. I always find that doing something physical and practical gets me out of my head, which can be a dangerous place when it gets too introspective. Thoughts, left to their own devices for too long just go around in circles - it's unhealthy. If I get stuck in a thought pattern, I have to go somewhere, go for a walk, or I have to do something, make something and that breaks the cycle.
I feel I need to be strong for her, strong for the both of us, and it helps neither of us if we are both depressed at the same time. So I just do something small that furthers our relationship, but brings s closer. And ultimately, after I have done it, I realise that I am suddenly a few hours closer to seeing her again.
Yesterday, I went to my Chinese class. Today, I went to see a film with my sister, who told me she already loves my lady, because she makes me happy
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Send her a big shirt. Tell her to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it
As a corollary (I think that's the word) to this, you could wear a shirt and get your smell into it and send it to her...I'm sure that if you're feeling it, so is she...
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Hi Andy,
I have quite a few things in common with you. I wrote to my lady for about six months before meeting her. I met her in exactly the same week you met your lady. She is also from Changsha. And we miss each other terribly.
Apart from all the helpful advice that has been given so far, I would recommend doing something physical. Take a picture of snow, like Arnold. Make something for her with your hands. I am carving a small stone sculpture. I always find that doing something physical and practical gets me out of my head, which can be a dangerous place when it gets too introspective. Thoughts, left to their own devices for too long just go around in circles - it's unhealthy. If I get stuck in a thought pattern, I have to go somewhere, go for a walk, or I have to do something, make something and that breaks the cycle.
I feel I need to be strong for her, strong for the both of us, and it helps neither of us if we are both depressed at the same time. So I just do something small that furthers our relationship, but brings s closer. And ultimately, after I have done it, I realise that I am suddenly a few hours closer to seeing her again.
Yesterday, I went to my Chinese class. Today, I went to see a film with my sister, who told me she already loves my lady, because she makes me happy
I meet a fellow from the UK, while I was in Changsha. I wonder if you are that person. He was visiting a girl from the same agency and he had the same translator as I did.
Send her a big shirt. Tell her to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it
As a corollary (I think that's the word) to this, you could wear a shirt and get your smell into it and send it to her...I'm sure that if you're feeling it, so is she...
I gave her my cologne when I left and also my deodorant stick. I believe she keeps it in her purse. Unfortunately she did not gave me her perfume and I did not ask for it.
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Brett,
A couple of points from your post... Can you explain how sending EMF's to your lady is going to increase her final/eventual bill with her agency?? She already knows the eventual bill, she has a signed contract telling her!! As far as the EMF's are conserned, your paying for them, so that in no-way is going to increase her bill!!!!!!
You keep calling the salary of your lady ''slave money'', it may well be compared to western salaries, but she isn't working in any of them, she's working in China, and frankly that's the going rate. Her bills and taxes are miniscule to what you pay, and her cost of living is also miniscule to yours. Everything is relevant my friend.
Now.... if i remember correctly, we were saying the same things about Japanese goods back in the 60's, as in that they were all ''crap''!! Now look at what Japan has achieved in those years since then!! The same thing will happen with China, only it wont take them as long.....
David......
Hi David,
I am getting a bit edgy about the agency as my lady is a bit cagey about discussing costs and I know that some agencies can charge substantial sums. I know that I haven't signed up with the agency but I don't know how enforceable the contracts with the ladies are. Would a lady earning 1000RMB a month sign something saying you had to pay $5000 once a husband is found? Well until I told her, my lady had no idea about what stuff cost in the West, so I guess they might.
As to the slave job, well I maintain my stance on that. China is cheap, but it sure as hell ain't that cheap. If I married my lady and got a similar job to her, then we wouldn't have much of a life although I guess that since we'd both be in work for most of the week we wouldn't get much chance to actually spend much.
And on China's economy, well I am more certain that a gigantic global crash is looming. The problem of too much debt in the system has not been addressed and global governments are solving the debt bubble with an inflation bubble. The next decade will be very interesting :dodgy:.
To get the thread back on topic, another good tip for brothers who have yet to meet their ladies is to take many photos of their lady while they were out there. Every time I worry about our relationship I look at the photos and remember the good times we had together.
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Brett
My lady earns the same as yours and her contract was for 40,000 rmb if she married whilst under that contract.
Fortunately the agency cancelled her contract for reasons that I instigated.
Willy
PS the ladies are told by the agencies that they should not worry because their new husbands will pay for them.
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Greetings Brothers,
Well let me tell you how I dealt with being parted from Zhen. Leaving her at the airport in Beijing was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When my father died and we all gathered for the funeral I did not cry, yet long before leaving Zhen at the security gate in the airport I had tears rolling down my face. When I actually had to walk through the gate we were both crying like babies. Never again do I ever want to feel like that. I felt like my heart and soul had been ripped from me and a great empty void remained.
Once I arrived in Canada I knew it would never again be home for me without Zhen at my side. Every single day was harder than the last to the point I couldnt think without seeing Zhens face in my head. I would start into tears at the slightest thought. It was painful. Finally I came to the realization that I could not live apart from her.
So I did what I had to do, I quit my job, my apartment and my entire life in Canada and moved to China to be with her. She was the second happiest person in the Beijing airport when I arrived, I of course the the happiest.
For me it worked out, I have a job teaching english at a pretty decent school, Zhen has given up her job and life in Handan to move with me to Wuhu and we are both very happy together.
While I obviously do not advocate this course for everyone, for me and Zhen it was the only way to go
So my advice is do as Neil and others have said and get out of your head and keep busy from morning till you collapse into bed or give it all up and drag your butt to CHina to be with her. It worked for me it may not work for you but if you cannot live without her what choice do you have?
Good Luck brother I surely feel for you.
Sincerely,
Zhen and Brian
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Brett,
Do you know of a country where it is cheaper to live than China?? ...I do, and i can also tell you that the salaries are less than China too!!! If your lady works in an office, then her working hours are such that she would be working five and a half days a week, or 60 hours not 7 days a week (not in an office anyway). This is normal working times in China, as well as most other Asian countries. That's true of a good deal of the Middle East too. You are looking at this from the perspective of UK, and you just can't do that, when talking about other countries, their whole way of life is different. I can tell you that in most of those countries the population as a whole, are a damn site happier than those in UK too....
As for the agency fee's, virtually every lady under contract to these agencies have a marriage fee anywhere from 30 to 50,000 RMB, so yes they will and do sign-up for these fee's. As Willy has stated, many of these agencies will tell the ladies not to worry about such fee's as there prospective new husbands will pay these fees for them.... The agencies are not fools Brett, few if none of the ladies would be able to pay such high fee's, and by the way, very few husbands will pay the full amount either!! Everything around money is negotiable in China, only those with more money than sense would pay the full amount!!! But i'm sure a few have....
David.....
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David - my lady currently works 7 days a week and overtime is unpaid. This is a busy time of year for them, but she's been doing that since I got back from Wuhan. She used to do 6 days a week 8-6 which is pretty rough for an office job.
Oh I tell I lie, she got half a day off for her birthday :s, and a mooncake in October.
On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.
We're very lucky in the West :icon_cheesygrin:!
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On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.
I'm sitting, laughing my ASS off!!! Yes, I am sure this lady is doing some entertaining!:icon_twisted: especially during the evenings! She has a life and is living it, without..........:icon_cheesygrin:
Biggy!!!....ROFLMAO:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
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On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.
I'm sitting, laughing my ASS off!!! Yes, I am sure this lady is doing some entertaining!:icon_twisted: especially during the evenings! She has a life and is living it, without..........:icon_cheesygrin:
Biggy!!!....ROFLMAO:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Jim,
Your cruel. :icon_cheesygrin:
Shaun
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Its not just tough on us, Sunny cried last weekend when we were discussing my last day here - how to get to the airport, what time etc. I told her no more discussion of that until Saturday afternoon at the earliest.
Its going to be the worst and best ever leaving from China I think.
Its not goodbye, its see you later.
It will still totally suck big time, of that i have no doubt. I don't give a crap about crying in an an airport any more, I'm a pro at it at this stage, they don't know me i don't know them so fuck it, let the grief out and move on.
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When it was time for us to separate at the airport I was strong enough not to cry, but she did not cry either. I guess that gave me strength not to start leaking. Her friends were all crying. I can't remember the last time I did cry. I should just let it go next time.
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Zhong and I did much tearing, hours before I was leaving! We did not want to seperate! We held on to each other, for a long period...many, many tears!!! If this isn't true love, what is?
When we arrived at the airport, that evening, things became real tough...parting ways! , I kept looking back...her eyes were glued to me! I checked my luggage through and ask, if I could go back and pointed to my wife. That man smiled and nodded yes! So, I went back for one more kiss and hug...then we parted ways...damn that was difficult!:heart:
Shit i'm tearing up reading that !!
It is love when that happens. Sunny texted me today to let me know it was 2.2 hours until we met and she missed me, oh crap, enough of this shit.
Its tough, and its man up time for our girls even if we fail miserably at the airport.
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I just concentrate on work and not think of it. We miss each other a lot and my wife wasn't sure a long distance relationship will work when we first meet. 28 days to go before my wife arrives in Canada. I wanted to go to back to China to pick her up but she told me to stay put and save the money for something else.
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Ah .. what the Heck , I think I 'm going to be teary eyed on Saturday . But all happy tears this time . Might look the same to other's , but they can't see how my Heart is going to feel so different .
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I think I posted this somewhere else. I told Nina on the trip to the ferry that if we stop talking I'm going to start feeling sad. She said "Do not allow the sadness". She smiled and kept a brave and strong front. We hugged and parted without crying. It was sad, but it was also a very happy parting, knowing that we would be back together again. I just wish it was sooner.
We're all going to be teary eyed for you Arnold. Will you have someone there to take pictures of you two?
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Arnold, i know you have waited your time and have earned this Saturday. I just envy the hell out of you brother.