China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Neil on April 17, 2010, 02:02:36 pm
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As some of you know, I broke up with Nina a while ago. She became very distant before the Chinese New Year holiday and we only talked a few times in the following month. She told me once that I loved her too much. I understood that she leads a very busy life but I don't think she was really serious about getting married or coming to Canada or learning English.
I started looking for other Chinese ladies when I finished school in March. I tried a couple Chnlove ladies but my heart wasn't into it. I also met a sweet young lady on Chineselovelinks that speaks English and is a teacher in a high school. Her name is Liu and her English name is Brenda.
One week after I came home from school my Chinese teacher moved back to China. She is 28 and we had become very good friends. Her name is Yang Yang and she speaks English quite well. She is the most honest, kind and generous woman I've ever met. She told me today that she hoped to become my girlfriend since Nina and I had broke up, but I had already started talking to Brenda and even called her on the phone. Yang Yang told me that she would not ruin another woman's dream so she's not sure she will be my girlfriend now. I told her that her dreams are important too. All's fair in love and war.
Yang Yang has applied for another working Visa to come back to Canada. Her interview is next week. She told me: " am not sure now:) you should try to see many chinese girls, you knew only a few chinese girls, you don't know chinese girl's thinking :)"
And, to make this a bit more messed up, Nina messaged me a few weeks ago. She is going to visit her parents who she hasn't seen in 3 or 4 years. Her father is turning 70. She was sad and lonely and missing me. She wants to ask her parents for their opinion about us. They had given us their blessings long ago, but I have never met or talked to them.
I don't know if I could trust Nina again, but the times we spent together were the best times of my life. My Christmas trip was pure extacy.
I know there will come a time when I'll have to make a choice. I feel a little guilty but I'm falling for Brenda while I would drop everything for Yang Yang and I feel responsible for Nina - I have a lot invested in her (emotionally, not financially).
So, I guess what I'm asking is, should I feel guilty for playing the field? I feel guilty and one thing I hate doing is breaking hearts - someone's going to get hurt, usually it's me.
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Neil,
Your a ''Free Agent'' right now....You haven't made any current commitments to any of the ladies you mentioned in your post.
So go out and Explore all of them, you will know when the time is right to commit to one of them, ...or even none of them!!! When you said someone always gets hurt, your right, ...but that's life, but life still goes on!!!
Guilt?? .....There's absolutly nothing to feel 'Gilty about Neil!!!
David...
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You dont need to feel guilty as long as you are not leading them on, telling each one that she is the one, etc.
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I am totally with David5o on this one. Why feel guilty? You are looking for the person to spend the rest of your life with. Guilt should not come into play. If you marry, or become seriously involved with someone, because you are feeling guilty, you are selling yourself short. Play the field, and find the "one". Like Jim said, "as long as you are not leading them on, telling each one that she is the one, etc. "
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Hey Neil,
Personally, I agree with you. I don't know if I could trust Nina if I were you. We're often warned not to play games with other people's hearts, but the same applies to them. If she wants to be friends, that's cool. But I don't think you should revisit the past like that. If you were to "take her back", you won't have the same chemistry that you thought you had before and the trust factor is always there.
As for the other two ladies, that's a different story. Just realise something. If you're serious about Brenda, then let Yang Yang know. But realise that you don't want Yang Yang to feel like she is a backup plan for a failed relationship. Before, you met Yang Yang while in a relationship. Now that you're not, you could go with her. But if you go with Brenda, you might not get a second chance with Yang Yang. Don't make her feel like Plan B...
Remember how you felt with Nina... I don't suggest you make others feel like that...
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neil, forget nina, stay friends with brenda (email, etc.) but not serious, and hang with Yang Yang and see how she feels about
your relationship with her. If Yang Yang is serious, then hang with her. If she is not, take up with Brenda. At least yang yang is
in the country where you both can visit each other in person. You are a smart guy and I am sure you can figure this
one out. If it was me, I'd hang with Yang Yang to see what it could be or turn into. Does Yang Yang have feelings for you?
Got to find out.
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I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.
But Yang Yang will be a better prospect - she obviously speaks English, also has no problems getting into Canada to teach. Less problems and no EMF's.
Your onto a win win situation.
Willy
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Actually, if she knows how to come here to teach, I would be interested in finding that out myself...bring my lady over that way to visit...
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I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.
But Yang Yang will be a better prospect - she obviously speaks English, also has no problems getting into Canada to teach. Less problems and no EMF's.
Your onto a win win situation.
Willy
Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.
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I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.
Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.
But then my own elder sister has been married to the same man for 42 years yet the married only in 1975!
Before any one scratches their head let me say they married first in 1965 and divorced 7 years later. They then met again a couple of years later and married for a second time in 1975. So not everyone listens to what I say! :angel:
Willy
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I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.
Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.
But then my own elder sister has been married to the same man for 42 years yet the married only in 1975!
Before any one scratches their head let me say they married first in 1965 and divorced 7 years later. They then met again a couple of years later and married for a second time in 1975. So not everyone listens to what I say! :angel:
Willy
Willy,
Are they still together? I think Liz Taylor and Richard Burton were married to each other twice and divorced twice. Like Martin said, it rarely work out.
Dave c
Neil,
I am with most of the other guys here on this. I think you only have one choice, Yang Yang. If she is willing to give it a try I would go for it with her. You already have some direct contact with her. Just as everybody else says, don't lead any of the women on. I don't think you would though. I think your only choice would be between Brenda and Yang Yang. I think that there would be a trust issue with Nina if you go back with her. This is just my opinion here.
Dave C
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Thanks for all the great replies guys. Just for clarification, Yang Yang is in Beijing right now. She has applied for another working visa to come to Canada and her interview is this week. I think I'll put some pressure on her - try to be more than a friend in the coming months until she gets back here.
I will continue emailing and getting to know Brenda. Her English is good too and from our emails she seems like a real sweetheart. I phoned her yesterday - our first phone call. I had a difficult time hearing her, but she had the cutest little dainty voice. Brenda is a teacher in a high school; Yang Yang is my English teacher, but she's more of a translator/interpreter.
As for Nina, I know in my head that it's over. In my heart and my other head is another story. It's easy from all your points of view to say "you can never go back", but it's not so easy for me. It's actually the most difficult decision I'll ever make. It's a decision I may regret making either way.
Brenda: [attachment=1999]
Yang Yang: [attachment=2000]
Nina: [attachment=2001]
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Decide between Brenda & Yang Yang. Only you can decide, nobody else.
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Well on the photos they are all very attractive ladies. Either way between Brenda and Yang Yang i know you are weighing your options. Wish you luck with what ever way you decide to go.
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Thanks for all the great replies guys. Just for clarification, Yang Yang is in Beijing right now. She has applied for another working visa to come to Canada and her interview is this week. I think I'll put some pressure on her - try to be more than a friend in the coming months until she gets back here.
I will continue emailing and getting to know Brenda. Her English is good too and from our emails she seems like a real sweetheart. I phoned her yesterday - our first phone call. I had a difficult time hearing her, but she had the cutest little dainty voice. Brenda is a teacher in a high school; Yang Yang is my English teacher, but she's more of a translator/interpreter.
As for Nina, I know in my head that it's over. In my heart and my other head is another story. It's easy from all your points of view to say "you can never go back", but it's not so easy for me. It's actually the most difficult decision I'll ever make. It's a decision I may regret making either way.
Brenda:
Yang Yang:
Nina:
Neil,
I was emailing with Brenda and was going to see her in Nanning, but I met Gina first, and it was all over for me. This was the first week of March when I arrived in China. Brenda is indeed a nice girl. Her English is good too. From what I know of her I don't think you can go wrong with her. Good Luck.
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Haha. Thanks Jeff. She's a sweetheart isn't she?
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Neil,
Now if i was 25 years younger, lived in Toronto Canada, was a free agent..... There would be only one choice.... Apart from being the better looking (my point of view), Speak English fluently ( God,....so,so important) Lives in my city (hopefully/probably) No high cost time consuming travel arrangements. ...It's a no contest, and a no brain'er, ....It would have to be Yang Yang!!! I somehow get the impression that your leaning in that direction too ...hahaha!!
One lesson i learned a long time ago, ...Never complicate your life when there's no need too, and only then if there is no alternative!!
David...
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Thing is, I know Yang Yang very well. I've probably spent more time talking face to face with her than I have with Nina. I was always completely honorable with her while I was with Nina and she was back in China before we completely split up, so for months she was nothing more than a good friend. She was the same - friends only. So now she drops this bombshell on me. It's intriguing and I'm obviously attracted to her, but on the other hand...Brenda is a sweetheart and closer to my age. Yang Yang is 28, Brenda is 30, Nina is 33 and I considered her to be the perfect age difference.
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Neil,
Your talking about just 2 years difference between Brenda and Yang Yang!!!!!
Now tell me does that make a whole lot of difference?? There's only 5 years between the 3 of them..... I've always said 10yrs is a good age limit difference, but in these circumstances what's a couple of years between friends ...lol!!!
Just think about the advantages, and you have to admit that Yang Yang makes much more sense than the other two, put together. ....As i said, as far as i would be conserned, it's an absolute no brain'er!!! ...haha!!
David
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i agree with David. 2 years Neil?? not a big difference at all. personally
you all ready have a good freindship with Yang Yang and it seems obvious
your both attracted to each other why complicate it with Brenda?? i would
go with Yang Yang and see how it progresses. but then again only you can
decide what you want to do
Ted
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Well, I wrote Yang Yang a beautiful (if I do say so myself) love letter and asked her to be my girlfriend. Unfortunately she turned me down. She was very gracious about it, but it's not the right time in her life. She wants to focus on her career. She had her visa interview today and though she was very nervous about it, she passed as I knew she would. She will be coming back to Canada next month.
Nina came home today too. The only way I know that is because she picked her plants on QQ Farm. Pathetic eh? She has time to steal food, but not write to me. Guess that's a good enough indicator of her state of mind.
On the other hand, I've talked to Brenda on the phone once and we write letters every day. Her English is pretty good, though there were a few times I couldn't understand what she was saying. She has a tiny little musical voice and I could listen to her talk for the rest of my life, quite happily. I plan to phone her every Saturday until I can go visit. She's a teacher in a high school so I will arrange my vacation to coincide with her summer holidays. My daughters are coming to visit at the end of June so I will head to China hopefully the first week of July. I'll stay for two weeks.
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Congrats Neil. Glad to hear that you've cleared things up. At least the uncertainty is gone. Hopefully Brenda will turn out to be the one!
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ok im confused a few days ago she wanted to or was intersted in becoming
your girlfriend and possibly getting closer and now no?? but it does seem your
a little more smitten with Brenda so i guess it all worked out
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Well, I wrote Yang Yang a beautiful (if I do say so myself) love letter and asked her to be my girlfriend. Unfortunately she turned me down. She was very gracious about it, but it's not the right time in her life. She wants to focus on her career. She had her visa interview today and though she was very nervous about it, she passed as I knew she would. She will be coming back to Canada next month.
Nina came home today too. The only way I know that is because she picked her plants on QQ Farm. Pathetic eh? She has time to steal food, but not write to me. Guess that's a good enough indicator of her state of mind.
On the other hand, I've talked to Brenda on the phone once and we write letters every day. Her English is pretty good, though there were a few times I couldn't understand what she was saying. She has a tiny little musical voice and I could listen to her talk for the rest of my life, quite happily. I plan to phone her every Saturday until I can go visit. She's a teacher in a high school so I will arrange my vacation to coincide with her summer holidays. My daughters are coming to visit at the end of June so I will head to China hopefully the first week of July. I'll stay for two weeks.
How can she turn down chocolate??? :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
Just kidding... honestly, after they have been friends with you for ages, it is near impossible to convert them. Unless they've been secretly infatuated with you. Perhaps if you jumped in a vat of chocolate, she will change her mind?... Ah, life is a box of chocs.... and some are bitter!!! :icon_biggrin:
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ok im confused a few days ago she wanted to or was intersted in becoming
your girlfriend and possibly getting closer and now no?? but it does seem your
a little more smitten with Brenda so i guess it all worked out
I was thinking the same thing.
Women ... you can't figure them out !!!
There's that old saying/thought ... Once the woman catches you, they're no longer interested. :s
All the best with Brenda, she does look like a cutie. Is she about 5'2" ??? I'm 5'7" and my wife's 5'2" ... a perfect fit.
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Brenda is 5'3 and I'm 5'6. I found Nina to be the perfect fit at 5'1, but I'm not complaining. We'll see how well we fit. :blush:
here, I'll quote her reply to my letter. We are still very good friends and who knows, maybe one day...
Neil ,
I want to say until now i didn't think too much about our relationship :) and make a boyfriend with others. because i have big pressure... i want to support myself and i want to go to school, i want to buy luxury stuff ,i like to wear beatiful dress...but everything will give a man big stress. i want to support myself...now i don't have enough confident to be better...and i will make another effort one more year... just now i said if i want to marry a canadian man , i will choose you . but before i only hope we are friends. and i hope you can see other chinese girls ,they are so good...better than me. i am conservative and traditional girl . if one day fate coming ,both of us didn't find anther part in our life , we are together that is perfect. but now i still want to meet a chinese . you know English and culture background are very hard to me . i am not strong enough to thinking English and habit everyday . But i think even if we are not a couple ,we will be the best friend. so please forgive me now , maybe one day the fate is coming.....
yang
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Neil,
Seems to have been a translation misunderstanding along the line somewhere. Seems that she has now sorted that misunderstanding out for you...hahaha!!
So, unfortunately, (or fortunately) you are back to having to go back to traveling half way round the world again to be with your lady, and back to all the visa processes in the future ...Shame!!! lol!!!
David.......
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Dont confuse me with figures - I only have a metric tape measure here!!!
I am still struggling with the fact that the ages of the two remaining on the outskirts of Neil's life only just add up together to an age that is only just a little higher than mine.:blush:
Willy
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Neil,
I wish you the bast of luck with Brenda. I hope that everything works out for the two of you.
Dave C
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ah the wonder of some of the reasoning that women come
up with.
im 5'11" and Sara is 5'2" which is fine for me and she likes the
difference in our heights
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Wow, that confirms it Neil, we really were dating the same lady :icon_cheesygrin:!!!! Miss Wu had to tend her QQ Farm even while I was with her :dodgy:!
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Neil, I didn't find the "right one" the first time either.
But the experience and learning from the ones that didn't work out helped me to to be a better man for my Lao Po now, I wouldn't change how things went for anything now.
My Sunny is "the one" the friend, companion, lover that I want to spend the rest of my life with. If I hadn't that the previous experiences I would never have met her so all I am saying is be positive. I bet you have learned from the past too.
Brenda looks very pretty and maybe she will be the "one" for you, just enjoy the experience and if its right, then it will work out.
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i agree also-- keep on with Brenda and see how it develops in the future
and best wishes for a success
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Jim
I was batting 6:0 until I finally met Ming...and I KNEW the difference immediately.
I also know that the other 6 taught me alot about Chinese Women, but ore important...it taught me a lot about MYSELF. I finally realised that there is only so much compromise we can make as men, before the compromise becomes abdication !!
The key learning for me was all about what I DONT want for my future...but when Ming came into my life, my perspective changed to thinking what I DO want...and she ticked all the boxes.
I never felt guitly about meeting and walking away from the others...I did not lead them on with false hopes/promises. So it was just like the dating scene in any place, except it was more difficult and more expensive !!!
Stick with the plan...you will win in the end :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:
David
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Neal,
David E just gave you a mountain of good advice.
Shaun
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On thinking more about this difficult subject of apparent failure of a promising relationship, I am reminded about the dangers of "rebound" relationships where we feel compelled to do "something" to try to get into a worthy and valuable partnership...it is only natural and normal.
It is a measure of our self-worth..." I am a good person, therefore I deserve a good partner and I must find one"
For me, I always kept in mind "Management Rule Number 13"...... and I dont want to confuse anyone here, but it worked for me....read it carefully and I hope it gives some insight...
"When it is NOT necessary to make a decision....it is necessary NOT to make a decision"
ie...dont make any decisions about relationships until a decision becomes real and relevant...hard to do, but very important
David E
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For me, I always kept in mind "Management Rule Number 13"...... and I dont want to confuse anyone here, but it worked for me....read it carefully and I hope it gives some insight...
"When it is NOT necessary to make a decision....it is necessary NOT to make a decision"
ie...dont make any decisions about relationships until a decision becomes real and relevant...hard to do, but very important
David E
I think that this is some of the best advise for any given situation. Good advise David E.
Dave C
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"When it is NOT necessary to make a decision....it is necessary NOT to make a decision"
This is best applied to shopping [ Attention : Ladies ] ...
When it's not necessary to buy it ... don't buy it. Do you really need it ???
Thanks David, you just saved me a lot of money. :icon_cool:
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Chong...
I am sure you know as well as me that situations of logic, planning, rationalisation, intellect have no place in a Woman's mind or vocabulary once they enter ANY type of shop !!!
It s a genetic thing you know (hahahahaha)
David
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Chong...
I am sure you know as well as me that situations of logic, planning, rationalisation, intellect have no place in a Woman's mind or vocabulary once they enter ANY type of shop !!!
It s a genetic thing you know (hahahahaha)
David
David and Chong,
Right on brothers!!! There is just something about the words sale and shopping that stimulate a woman to action!! We just have to find a way to apply it to other activities...Hahahahaha! :icon_cheesygrin:
Dave C
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"When it is NOT necessary to make a decision....it is necessary NOT to make a decision"
This is best applied to shopping [ Attention : Ladies ] ...
When it's not necessary to buy it ... don't buy it. Do you really need it ???
Thanks David, you just saved me a lot of money. :icon_cool:
Haha ,this advice is very useful. Thank you David E and Chong
Neil, Just treat these two ladies well, they are all pretty ladies.
Donn't make any decision by yourself now.
You also need to know clearly how the lady feel about you after knowing each other a long time.
It's a both side thing.And no need to be hurry.
You will know who is more close to you heart.
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Thank you so much Yan. I value a woman's perspective. I think you are right too, the only decision I'm sure about (at this moment) is that Nina and I are finished. It was the hardest thing I ever did and it hurt like hell, but I know it is/was the right decision.