China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Lain on October 29, 2010, 12:16:21 pm
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OK, so been a long time since I posted here...and I think that is a major mistake, because now I need to get some advice...QUICKLY!
Short story, met a beautiful lady over a year ago on chnlove. Things were working out great, had some issues (to be expected) and after about 10 months I finally went to China to meet her. Overall it was a good impression, she is young (25) and this had me concerned but she did not think this was an issue..I am 39. So after 4 more months of chatting together and having some serious conversations, I asked her how she felt about me moving to China so that we could continue our relationship. It took some time to work out the details, but she agreed and I packed up my life, sold off everything else since I was planning on moving to China to stay (even of things did not work out with her) and as of October 1st...I left the US.
So about a week before I was to leave she decides that she wants us to move from her town (Xiaolan) to where her sister lives (Shaoguan) so that her older sister can live with us because she felt it would be safer (understandably) and because her sister could help us with problems when we needed...and I must say her sister has been a huge help with helping me to get all sorts of things done...including getting the apartment, and much MUCH more...she is a really good person and I am thankful she is here with us.
HOWEVER....the lady I came to China to live with and develop a relationship has turned out to be a nightmare!!! I am actually thinking she has a MAJOR case of Bi-Polar disorder. Her moods go from happy as a kid in a candy store one day, to an absolute bitch the next for reasons that I simply cannot explain :o
Since my arrival all she argues with me about is money related issues. I have paid for EVERYTHING to get us into the apartment, deposit, first months rent, cable, internet, ...etc! In the beginning I told her that I would not pay for her sisters share of the rent, but after the first couple of weeks of her doing virtually everything like cooking, shopping, and cleaning I told her sister that she did not have to pay me anything....besides that its a trivial amount of money to me, but her help has been worth twice the cost of her share of the rent.
She got mad at me because I was not giving her enough for "girlfriend allowances" which I was giving her 1200 RMB per month (200 more than what her sister said I should give) she wants me to give her 2000 RMB because that is supposedly what her last boyfriend gave her? She is constantly saying that it my responsibility to pay all the bills, plus pay for when we go out with her sisters friends to dinner...which many times I do, but often times they refuse mu offers....which she gets mad at me for when we come home. I have purchased many new gifts for her and have taken her out to some really nice places....even went to a high end club with her sister and friends ...ran up a 1300 RMB bill for the night!!!
Yet still, she thinks I am stingy and that I am disrespectful to her and her sister because many times I have to ask what things cost...I cannot understand Chinese yet, and often times prices are not on items...what else am I to do but ask? She thinks I should just know these things I guess.
She sleeps until 2pm, does not have a job, rarely ever cooks or cleans, watches TV or plays on the internet for most of the day...and IF I am lucky, she will pay attention to me for a few hours. There is hardly ANY affection and she often times says...I am her boyfriend but she is quick to tell me that until we get to know each other better....I should consider her as "just a friend"......she is a total one way street!
So after I end up going off the deep end and writing her a letter that more or less explains my MAJOR frustration that she expects ME to pay for and do virtually everything in our relationship I said to her that I also have some expectations of my own, for starters I expect her out of bed and ready to have lunch with me (I often eat alone while she sleeps) and that I really need her help understanding the Chinese culture when it comes to what is proper for me when we are out with friends or other similar issues....at first she is open the helping me, but after a few days she stops. When I ask her why , she says point blank..."its not my job, you dont pay me, I am not your teacher"... :o
So after two really intense says in the same apartment where we have barely spoken a word she now tells me that I am stingy with my money, that is unhappy with me because I am rude and that I have no right to "Expect" anything from her just because I pay for everything....then she says she wants to break up with me.
Ok, so I am now in shock at this time, I give her some time to cool down and make an attempt to get some explanations as to her attitude and asked her if she truly wants to break up and move out of the apartment. She says that it depends on my "attitude" and my reply to her letter. (we still use the chnlove services for important letters) ....Now her is the kicker. She has no money, she has no job and no savings to move out. Her sister WAS the manager of a beauty salon and hired her sister, who I guess pissed off the owner of the business and fired BOTH of them!!
So now I am living with 2 ladies who are not employed, her sister has some savings and her boyfriend gives her some money...but in the end, she is basically stuck with me and just tonight told me that so long as I am in China that she is now MY RESPONSIBILITY to take care of!!..WOW
At this point I am freaking out. I do not even know what to think, or do right now?? She actually thinks that she can break up with me, still live with me and expect me to continue to pay all the bills AND she still thinks that I should giver her a monthly allowance as if she was still my girlfriend. I have no clue what to do? I can't just toss her out, but if she is really going to break up with me...I feel no obligation to pay all her bills AND an allowance as well. I would like to think that we can overcome our problems, but after what she just said to me...I am not sure that I want too?
So, now what? Do I just say, ok you have another month I will pay the bills but by the first of December move out? I mean I paid for the apartment, I have all the receipts and I am registered with the PSB as a resident here. The cost is really not a problem, but I am not sure I want her here anymore. Her sister is also fed up with her, and she supports my view for the most part and is also stuck in a hard place as well. She might move in with her boyfriend but she does not want too.
Some ideas my brothers....I am lost. REALLY need some advice. :-\
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Personally, I think you answered your own question. They need to go. You are nothing more than a bank machine to her...she proves this every time she demands that you pay, and every time she does not want you to know the price of anything.
My wife, when i was in China, was more than happy to tell me the price of things,. She knew I was curious, and often, I would tell her the equivalent Canadian price of what ever it is we were buying. There was never an attitude. I generally tried to pay for everything, but there were times when others would pay the bill before me. Did this cause issues? Not at all. I just learned to be quicker at paying. hehe. But even so, my wife did not get upset. I was not expected to pay for her friends to go to KTV, but I did,.,..this was my choice, and my wife was thankful for it.
I think you are being used and abused. A cornerstone to any relationship is respect. And from what you write, I don't see any respect coming your way. She is lazy, and pimping you for money. There are so many other better women out there. If this is how she is when she is supposedly your girlfriend, how will she be as a wife? And if you are expected to pay "girlfriend allowances". why does she say to you that you need to be friends first? I would cut the cash flow, and watch how fast she runs for the hills.
Dude, you can do much better. Why live with this stress? You could have dated an American woman, and got the same outcome.
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I agree 100% with Martin. It seems, to me anyway that my wife sleeps late too (I am a early riser) but when she gets up (about 10am) she goes right to work and works till night time. I try to get her to slow down but she keeps at it. So believe me there are allot better women out there than the one you are with. As I read your post I was thinking, how does he stand to live like this. You sold out and went to China for this? Let her hit the road and find the woman you deserve.
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Shaoguan may not be a safer place to live. Crime is pretty high there. It is a cheaper place to live than say Shenzhen of Guangzhou.
It sounds to me that you have a spoiled brat on your hands. Why wait until December 1? I'd boot her but you had better make sure that you talk with the landlord before you do it. You may have legal issues to deal with. I can get in touch with a gentleman who lives there that speaks English very well. He can help you through the communication issues to help you sort this out.
Where exactly do you live in Shaoguan? You can PM me the answer if you choose to answer.
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Well, I just got done having a long chat with her sister....who has been great through all of this. I do not want to cause any problems for her sister, in fact if things were different I think her sister and I would be great together?
She thinks I should just stay cool for a couple of days, ignore her sister and search for what my options are. She is also concerned that there may be some issues related to the apartment and other things and does not want the landlord to keep my deposit.
Yes, she is a brat ... but she has never been a spoiled brat. I have spoken with some of her friends and her sister and I talk fairly openly. Evidently she has has a very difficult life and from what I can tell her last boyfriend was a little abusive which explains her skittish behavior problems.
Either way I think its time to find a graceful way out of this, there is no rush since rent is due soon and I will have to pay to stay here for at very least another month. She is not going to get anything extra that is for sure. Her sister has been great so I think I need to work with her to ensure that she is not left in a bad position.
I think once I ignore her for a some length of time, start to do things on my own, maybe even go out on a date with another woman she will want to leave on her own and this might solve the problem of getting her to leave me....or it might snap her out of her attitude?
I am not a quitter, but the 3rd marks our first month together, and I can honestly say that the past two weeks have been hell! Maybe she is just testing me again to see how far she can push before I say no more? I do not know, and to be honest I am not sure I even care anymore. She is a lovely and usually nice person, but she has shown her true colors to me and I am thinking that its time to move on.
I will provide an update in a few days, got some research to do, talk to the landlord when she comes for the rent this week and much more to do.
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You my friend have been had. Her and the sister are playing good cop bad cop so to speak. They found a meal ticket. And she wants to date too?
Don't do anything different than you would if you were in the states. This is BS. Time to get tough. Don't beat her up but you could let her think the possibility is there.
Intimidation works pretty good most of the time. And at the same time you will probably see another side of her.
Every time you break down and give her what she wants due to some lame reason, (like the sisters boyfriend does it) well your not him. I don't know why but they can come up with some pretty stupid excuses and expect you will believe them. And just like a little kid they will continue until you put your foot down and say no.
If you are ready to end it, sitting and waiting hoping she will go away will never happen.
And no matter what happens she is going to make you out the bad guy. All of the stupid petty arguments will be her way of stalling.
Don't fight back with her it is what she is working for. She will wear you down this way. My wife doesn't even bother anymore. I have never been in the jam you are in but we have had a couple good ones this past 6 months.
As far as money Most of these women would never ask for it. Especially to just go out and have a good time. Mine and I know several other guys, our wives work very hard to keep us from spending it. Nit pick over a deposit and she wants you to give her more than that much every month.
When she starts in call her bluff. At this point she will be expecting you to back down.
I have seen it before. And I hope I am wrong about this girl but I really doubt it. Sorry to be so tough and straight forward but it is I think the best way.
I know a lot of guys were thinking it. But just wouldn't say it.
Good Luck your gonna need it.
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Here are one comeback when you need it.
You give her an allowance(?) but she said you don't pay her. YOU DO. and guys don't pay an allowance to a female friend. So that ends that.
She sounds like a few women I was with rolled into one. My ex included... and that's why she's an ex.
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Hi Lain,
You have really thrown all your eggs into one basket, but I guess I don't have to tell you that. I would say that what you are experiencing with this lady is definitely NOT love. As you have said, she certainly does have emotional and co dependency issues, just for starters. You are certainly on a huge learning curve, so I am glad that you are going to slowly extricate yourself from it.
I am sorry I do not have any real advice, but you really do need to look at your part in creating this situation so you can learn and move on.
Do you have any other contacts there who speak English and support you? You really do need to find an ally. I know I would. Does her sister speak English?
I am looking forward to a good outcome for you friend,
Peter
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Lain,
I know you are trying to be the nice guy here but really, is she being the nice woman to you? I think Jimmy has it right. Good girl, bad girl. Peggy sort of tried that with me and I stopped it. If she is a good woman she will accept your no. If not? There will be a lifetime of difficulty.
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Lain just leave.Life is to short for this kind of drama.And it isn't going to get any better.
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In a bad position---maybe........
There's no "maybe" about it....you are CERTAINLY in a bad position.
If there is one thing that we have found about genuine Chinese Women who care about us, is that they are FANATICAL about saving money, about pulling their weight, and about moving heaven and earth to make their Lao gong happy.
Sometimes it is almost embarrassing how much my Ming is prepared to do to make me happy....she never stops, would never dream about being asleep in bed when it is breakfast time, in fact she is always up first to make the tea !!!.
As we all know, they will go into battle with anyone to save a few cents and to look after the family financial well-being.
This early in your relationship, it seems you are just the provider of cash and an easy life for her.
There are very few options left for you........ You must make it very clear that IT STOPS NOW..........and make it clear that it is terminal if she does not reform.
Difficult to do, I know, but the way it is going is all pain for you in the future.
I totally oppose either the threat or the actuality of physical violence, but a serious shouting /anger on your part is deserved !!!...dont leave her wondering how you feel about things...dont pussy-foot around.
From what I read in your posts, you dont have a real Chinese woman there...only some caricature of a Chinese Woman behaving like the worst of the Western ones....WOW !!!
David
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Hi Lain,
I was wondering what happened to you :)
You are the man of the house you have to start acting like it and take back control of your life. Being proactive and not just reacting to the situations these two ladies are creating may help too. As some of the guy's have said this is not love but a meal ticket but I suspect you have already figured that out!
Maybe it's time to rethink your situation from the ground up. Can you honestly see the two of you working things out? if not prepare to move on. Is Shaoguan the place you want to live in China? I have never been but Shaun says's it might not be the safest place, so have a think about that too. Like Max says life is way too short for this and here in China there are many more caring ladies to be found. It seems you have had a baptism of fire for your first few weeks over here and if you need a place to hold up for a few weeks my door is always open.
I would explain to the landlord what you were doing and if you want to be kind leave the place with a months rent paid so the girls have time to sort themselves out.Then move on, the landlord will take care of the rest. Put your stuff in storage and enjoy what China has to offer, If you lose your deposit on the apartment look at it as paying for your education,bottom line is theses ladies are not your problem or your responsibility.
China is a fantastic place to live it just takes a while to find your feet so stay positive, keep your eyes open and a smile on your face and you will be OK. Pm me if you need too and my wife and I will help anyway we can. Good luck ;D
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It reads like all are giving the same advise. But I think he knows this already. I think he's got it under control just looking for confirmation of his decision.
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So after giving her an allowance of Y1200 a month, and spending Y1300 for her to booze with her friends and sister, plus gifts, lets say another Y500 to make a nice round Y3000 a month spent on her. Yet with this she's giving you the cold shoulder and simply using you as a breathign source of cash.
Theres a famous saying. "Women like 4 animals, a Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed, and an Ass to pay for it all."
Methinks you're being played as the Ass. Being cynical, I'd suggest you ditch her, and take your Y3000 a month and go find a honest live-in hooker instead of a dishonest girl. You'll probably get more affection from the hooker!
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If I never meet another woman from Shaoguan it will be too soon.
I have had dealings with three since arriving here and had a similar experience with them all. Some may recall the women I went with from Shaoguan and managed to get 5000 rmb out of me to pay for our trip there and a week later was dumped. And the other two I met tried similar moves but as soon as they mention Shaoguan then my ears close to them. So unfortunately I have an opinion on Shaoguan women that I will not put on here otherwise I may well get banned!
Shaoguan has been the only city I have visited in China where I felt unsafe by night and day. Admittedly more by night.
Lain just cut your loses get back to somewhere like Zhongshan or Zhuhai where you will be safe and probably not end up penniless.
Lucky you did not marry her as she may well have made huge demands for a divorce.
People think it is easy to divorce here. Well it is if you both agree - if not it can cost you a great deal of both time and money.
More men on this forum break up over money than any other reason. Unless you get a really special one then you will find that the women wants to take control of your money lock stock and barrel. And I mean really special one. Many have been married for a long time to find this problem suddenly arises much later in a marriage. Maybe that will even happen to me on day.
So it is best you find out at this stage and are able to move on. I do believe that when you first met her you thought she was immature. You have an answer now. She was mature enough to start tapping into your spending power. Whats this rubbish about girl friend allowance??? You mean lets rip off the foreigner money!! I only gave a woman the taxi ride home in the morning.
Get out and get on with your life.
Willy
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Thanks Kiwi303 , now I have it confirmed as to why Sujuan made me a Tiger suit out of a fake fur bed throwover to wear around the house , fun was I wore it into my sporting club 1 night , as I had hidden it in the car prior to us leaving the house , imagine her suprise when I excused myself from our group R & R dancing only to return a few minutes later wearing it , regards Sujuan and Robert .
Lain , look after yourself , all on here have given a similar answer do not get milked for any more money , even moving to near one of our fellow brothers to get settled .
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Mate, one thing that has not been mentioned how is the moving around going to affect your business? Did you not bring your company to China? You need some stability and as has been mentioned get rid of the leech that is slowly sucking you dry financially and emotionally or maybe make her an employee and put her on the payroll, no work no pay.
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Lain, as Maxx says "Live is to short for this". Your relationship has issues that you wont be able to overcome. Even if you can agree on get along. It will be only for a short time as you experienced before.
It isn't worth it. Use the agency to find somebody else. You have deserved better. There is not much else to say. Just get out of it.
I wish you good luck!!
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So after giving her an allowance of Y1200 a month, and spending Y1300 for her to booze with her friends and sister, plus gifts, lets say another Y500 to make a nice round Y3000 a month spent on her. Yet with this she's giving you the cold shoulder and simply using you as a breathign source of cash.
Theres a famous saying. "Women like 4 animals, a Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed, and an Ass to pay for it all."
Methinks you're being played as the Ass. Being cynical, I'd suggest you ditch her, and take your Y3000 a month and go find a honest live-in hooker instead of a dishonest girl. You'll probably get more affection from the hooker!
Lain, read what Kiwi is saying to you. its tongue in cheek of course but he's 100% right.
You feel tied there because you think you have to look after these poor defenceless girls?? ...BS!
Do they not have friends or family?, are you telling me that in China, where family is everything, that you think they would be on the street if you left?
They are adult, you are getting nothing but an empty bank account from this .
China is full of wonderful ladies that will love you for you and not your wallet. Case in point, I told my wife that I want to bring her to the three star Michelin restaurant in Hong Kong next time i was there.
She said that's fine, she will eat noodles from a stall outside while I eat inside as she thinks its a waste of money!!
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Hi Lain,
Your story sound similiar to a gal I met before meeting my wife. She lived in Shenzhen. I thought she was possibly the right girl for me until she started asking me for money. She had a job and was asking me to give her $500 US every month to prove that I was serious about our relationship. It made me suspicious and concerned. I visited her for three weeks and she kept asking ofr money. I even met her family which usually means I've sealed the deal. I was getting frustrated with her because all she talked about was money and she was very selfish. I was 38 at the time and she was 27. I know what others mean when they mentioned about maturity, the younger girls lack it. Several times I threatened to leave. She begged me not to break up with her (knowing her golden goose is leaving). When I was dating my current wife in Chengdu, she never once asked me for money. She always told me what things cost and I was happy to buy things for her. Her friends were always generous in paying for dinner and going out, so I did the same for them. As for the Shenzhen girl, I just picked up my stuff one day and left. I told her she was scamming me. She claimed she wasn't. She even went to the bank and gave me all the money I gave her, which was several thousand rmb. I was lucky to cut my losses and got the hell out of there. As you know, there are so many other girls out there. Don't setttle for anything less and do not compromise your morals or expectations.
Lain, my advise is to move out and find another place for a while. Even if that means staying at hotel. Chalk up the loss of the deposit and anything else as a learning experience. You will be a stronger and wiser person. Keep you head up, you'll be okay!! Best of luck to you.
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Sorry for the lack of updates in the past few days, the building is undergoing some repairs and the internet connections have been intermittent - AT BEST! Which is really starting to make running my business simply another headache that is starting to break me.
But anyway, I spoke with her sister last night for several more hours. She says that since my girlfriend (her sister) and I are breaking up, her boyfriend will not allow her to stay living here...not my problem, could really care less. However the rent is due on the 5th of November and she said that she will not stay here to help me, and obviously my EX girlfriend will also be leaving. Not a big surprise, but why stay here another month in this city where to be honest, I really do not like as much as Zhongshan where I was originally going to live.
So to turn up the heat on the situation and save myself the money and hassles of doing this all alone, I told them I would pack my stuff and move out before the 5th and will NOT be paying rent. I was told by the landlord that she will give me back most of my security deposit so long as I am out by the 5th. .....needless to say, I got to get my act together QUICKLY!!!
Thankfully I do not have a huge amount of stuff to move, 3 large plastic cases with my personal property, my mountain bikes (2) and it looks like I will need to get a box for the new items I have purchased for the apartment...because I will NOT be leaving them with these ladies. I allowed my enthusiasm to blind my better judgment, and now I am paying a hefty cost for it..ya live and learn I guess. :-\
Originally my plan was to live with her in Xiaolan, near Zhongshan where I visited her several months ago. I had spent allot of time researching the city and know my way around a little bit. Also as mentioned its a safer city....food is so much better too. I have not felt unsafe here in Shaoguan, but I must admit this city is a dump by comparison. I will require some MAJOR assistance once I arrive in Zhongshan to establish an apartment and get things like the internet hooked up quickly.
My business is all internet based and I simply MUST have a constant connection to earn a living. I am hoping that I can rely on some of the members here to rally to my aide and help me out with these tasks. ...PLEASE!!
My plan is to pack my stuff in the next two days. Get a hotel room at the Fuhua Hotel, same place I stayed when I visited Zhongshan last time so I know my way around (need some familiarity right now) and ship my stuff to the hotel. I will take the high speed rail to Guangzhou , then jump on a bus to Zhongshan and arrive at my hotel room. I will need to immediately setup my computer systems to operate my business .....then maybe get a good meal, a stiff drink (or two) and if I am feeling so ambitious.... I have some SERIOUS pent up needs right now...30 days in an apartment with 2 really beautiful woman and no sex is so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined ::)
Gentleman, I know I have not contributed much here, sought more advice than I gave...but I really need some help. If anyone is in Zhongshan that is willing to help me secure a new apartment, register with the police and help me get re-established I would forever be in your debt. Right now my life is is a mess, my business is almost impossible to operate due to the internet problems and my bank account is heading towards the unsafe zone. If anyone can lend a hand, drop me a personal message I will give my phone number and QQ number. ...really need some help out of this mess I have got myself into and since I have virtually NO Chinese skills, its really hard for me to get all these things done so quickly.
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Well lain. No one has more experience with the PSB in Zhongshan than me! I spent a great deal of time there. So much so they are thinking of naming a plastic seat after me!
Seriously get to Zhongshan. There is an apartment for rent on the opposite side of road to me. Maybe suitable for you. But can find you somewhere else if you prefer.
Get to the hotel you use. You can always use my internet until you have your own fitted. I have a spare line from 9am to 6pm you can use. cost about 8 rmb from the hotel to my place. 10 if you use the private hire cars
Once you get apartment sorted you can have fast internet fitted in a short while. about 1200 rmb for the yaer.
So if you are pushed then call me. I will send number by pm.
Willy
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Willy
Thanks, I am in your debt for any help you can provide me with getting a place established. I will check out the apartment you say is close, might be best to locate close to another English speaking person?
As for the internet..well my company uses a VOIP phone system, I MUST have a high speed connection or it will not function and I will not get any of my business calls. The internet connection problem here has already cost me more in lost sales than I care to talk about, it is very frustrating. I will stay at the hotel until such time as the high speed services are installed at whatever apartment I find.
Sadly, I just purchased a year from China Telecom here in Shaoguan....think they will let me transfer the services? Or at least extend me a refund here for un-used services? My ex-girlfriends sister says she does not think they will, but I would like to know for sure before I pay again for something I already purchased. I have kept all my receipts since I arrived here.
The other hotel you mentioned does appear to be a little less expensive, not a huge amount but every bit helps.
Today I am recovering from a serious hangover, and am working on my plans to make this move. Sadly its now 2:30 in the day, and my ex-girlfriend is still asleep as if she has all the time in the world to pack her stuff and leave as well. Maybe she thinks she will wake up today and talk me into staying with her another month so she can get another month of free room and board?.....NOT!
Anyway, got lots of stuff to do today, calls to make and research to do...I will drop in later for any updates....if the internet connection still works?
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I don't know her but have read some of these girls will take all the money they can get from a guy. And put it in the bank. So when the guy does leave they have a good bankroll.
Sounds like you have shelled out a ton. Has she been spending it all? If she trys to get you to stay, and offers to give you some money back. Take it and leave anyway. It's Karma she deserves it.
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I don't know her but have read some of these girls will take all the money they can get from a guy. And put it in the bank. So when the guy does leave they have a good bankroll.
Sounds like you have shelled out a ton. Has she been spending it all? If she trys to get you to stay, and offers to give you some money back. Take it and leave anyway. It's Karma she deserves it.
Actually most of the money I have spent was simply establishing an apartment, moving her stuff and some required home furnishings. I have given her about 2500 RMB in money directly, not a huge some of money....but I have paid for virtually everything else as well including dinners and nights out. Her sister has paid for some of the food for the home, but nothing to help get that apartment....all in all I have added it up to about 12,000 RMB
Now I will be getting 3400 back on the deposit and that is about it. I am not "broke" from this, much of the items I purchased I will be keeping and need anyway. My problem is that she simply saw me as her meal ticket and was so lazy that it amazed me. I mean sometimes she would do something around the house, but usually only after her sister made her do it. She is mostly just too young and selfish for a real relationship. Plus she has a SERIOUS problem with making any commitments to do ANYTHING!, She says that if she feels "obligated" than she will not do it, she will do things because wants to do them....makes it real hard to have a sincere relationship when she gets upset and does not want to do anything.
Today we finally spoke to each other (translation tools) for several hours as we have not talked to each directly for several days. It seems that most of the problems we have are similar and even though we are still going to break up, we have chosen to at least remain friends. We are both going to move back to Xiaolan where she used to live and I was going to live originally, but we will not live together and we will not be dating.
Many of our problems have occurred because, point blank....Shaoguan sucks!! She hates it here, I hate it here Her sister is nice to me, but I guess she treats her like crap...I don't speak Chinese, so when they talk I have no clue...but my ex is a very stubborn, selfish and independent young lady and she despises her older sister bossing her around. My frustrations are that the internet here is so bad that it is really having an impact on my business...hence, my income so I have started to cutback on my lifestyle. She assumed that I was a free spender in the beginning to get on her good side, then she assumed that as I cut back on my lifestyle it was because the relationship was not advancing fast enough...if ya get my drift. She felt that I was "buying" her dignity...and she did not want to be obligated to me for money so she started to ignore me which only made the situation worse....especially when I sort of lost my cool and told her that in relationship both people are obligated to each other for many things and if was going to pay for everything, she has an obligation to at very least help around the house and help me to learn this "Culture Thing" that has become the flash-point of so many of her complaints about me. She stayed in bed all day because she was super depressed that she had no friends there and could not help me with almost anything that her sister was doing for me...she felt useless...and so she played the roll.
We will now simply be friends, she has offered to help me with getting my life re-established there and she understands that she will receive no money from me for any help she gives....maybe I will take her out to eat once and awhile, after all China is a "food culture" but she now understands that I am not her banker or her caretaker anymore. She says that she feels bad about what has taken place, but still wont accept responsibility for anything and still thinks that I am mostly to blame because I do not understand her culture....if I hear that excuse one more time I will slit my wrist...I think she uses this excuse to make me feel bad so can control my actions....I mean hey, what guy wants to be offensive to his girl??....but it gets old, especially when it appears to me that every part of this culture that I do not understand involves money. ???
...long story short, we both have "trust" and "money" issues. It has not been bad everyday, sometimes she was a caring lady and I have had some good times here...but there are serious issues with her that I am almost certain cannot be reconciled...but I will accept her offer to be friends if she is willing to help me out. But its over unless she can prove to me that the past 30 days was simply a huge misunderstanding....unlikely!!
Either way I am heading back to where I wanted to be from the start, and I will chalk up the past 30 days to a seriously frustrating live test run of what to expect when living and dating in China....may the next 30 days go much smoother...and at least now I will not have to go so far to renew my visa every 60 days.
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Lain
It is heartning to see that you have now taken firm control of the situation....it's all downhill from here !!!!
Two issues that I feel are worthy of comment......
Firstly...why is it necessary or prudent to remain friends with this woman who has put you through hell for 30 odd days ???
It would seem that any friendship from her will be highly conditional and it will keep re-opening old wounds...cut it and move on !!
Secondly..I dont think it is good for you to feel that what you went through is typical or representative of a relationship with a
Chinese woman...dont let this experience poison you for the future. Almost all Chinese women are not like this...quite the opposite in fact.
So you can look forward to something MUCH better in the future...with confidence
Good luck...David
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Lain,
I think staying with this woman is a mistake. You need to cut her loose and make a clean start.
You know you can never be more than "friends" with her, so why prolong it?, do you think a future girlfriend/wife will be happy that you bring your beautiful ex out to dinner in nice restaurants? Think about it, this is a bad idea. You are just prolonging the pain in my opinion.
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Lain,
You are really getting good advice here. I don't want to be rude buy maybe this time you should follow it. I seem to remember that several men here told you that dating such a young woman would be difficult and there would be major problems.
She is trying to keep you in her hip pocket for the future. She is still looking at the cash cow, not saying you are a cow. Maybe living across the street from Willy is the best option right now and focusing on your business. The women will be there once you get the financial resolved. Willy is also good at spotting issues so he would be a good ally to have.
Hope you aren't offended but I thought it needed to be said.
Shaun
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I have high speed internet here and have no problems running my businesses from here and collecting the money. When I moved here from Zhuhai last year I was not able to transfer my internet so had to renew it here. Cost 1200 a year here. But it is high speed and when my stepson is here we have two comps running no problem. Just renewed it for another year last week. With China Telecom. They fitted it in three days when I originally applied.
As for renewing visa then no point in travelling to Hong Kong unless you want to particularly go. The ferry costs 260 each way and the taxi to the ferry port cost about 80 each way thats 680. Just jump on a bus from Zhongshan to Zhuhai 28 rmb each way and a taxi from bus station to Macau port terminal, 10 rmb and walk through immigration into Macau. Have a coffee or a drink and walk back and reverse the journey. 76 rmb and another 60 days, or whatever. Very easy process.
I have another friend who speaks very good English if you get into any problems. David Es right cut dry from her. She only probably said to rem,ain friends to ease the parting anyway.
Willy
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Well after 2 weeks of complaining to the internet service company, a tech arrived late yesterday to repair it...just in time for me to leave... ???
The issue with internet service in this city has been a drain on my mental capacity...My ex-girlfriend called 4 times to ask when it would be fixed over the past 2 weeks...the reply was "when the service tech gets there".....I simply must get used to a simplistic manner of thinking, or try to phrase my questions better...either way there are still issues with my VOIP phone, hopefully when I move back to a modern city these issues will resolve?...I have been told that my connection is 2 megs....but several bandwidth tests suggest only about 1.3 at best....my phone needs at least 2 megs, preferably 4 for a clear line without echo or static. I had 15 megs back in the states...guess I was spoiled. :)
anyway....So again we spoke again for some time about everything and the more I think about it the more have concluded that I do need to make a break from her in the sense that I am giving serious consideration to that I will move to Zhongshan, which is still close enough that if she wants to be friends with me..or as suggested she will have to make an effort to come see me, or I go see her...I am still undecided, but think it best like everyone is saying... the problem is that when I was here to visit last time, I preferred Xiaolan as its a smaller city, much less traffic and noise.
On the flip side, Zhongshan will present many more chances for me to meet a real woman and has all the things I need to work and live well. Also its more likely that I will be able to locate a school or private tutor to start learning Mandarin. The school I was going to attend in Guangzhou is too far to travel from Zhongshan and Guangzhou is not where I want to live.
I know most of the members that read my posts are only reading about my complaints...that is what I have currently to cope with. But understand that while she does have several personality flaws (myself included) she is not all that bad of a person....she is simply not mature enough to understand many, if not most of the things that trouble me....especially the fear to commit to anything. She did invest over a year talking to me in letters, she is not looking for a plane ticket to leave the country, and she does have good morals....she NEVER tried to use any sexual moves to motivate me for anything.....sadly, those would have worked on me, for sure I would be bankrupt now if our relationship was physical. But actually she is conservative especially for a younger girl....she has a good heart, she is a decent lady (with issues) and I have never been one to burn bridges.
I would also like to mention that I am not without my flaws as well, and she has been very understanding. Many times I have placed my entire foot in my mouth, accused her of things that were either translation errors or actual cultural differences. I know many of the things I have said to her were rude, maybe even hurtful...but she always forgave me and rarely would ever mention it again....unlike an American woman who will FOREVER bash you for these mistakes.
I will be forced to make a choice today or tomorrow at the latest as to where I live. I have to give consideration to a larger picture and think carefully about my next few steps. Today I plan to have another conversation with her sister, she is more upfront with answering direct questions....its hard for me understand this "face" thing right now where I ask a very direct question, with explicit instructions that I want a very direct reply even if if will be rude and all I get are replies that side step the question being asked....this will require me to demonstrate much, much more patience and improve my "listening" skills. I am a direct talker, even for an American I will often times be pretty direct about how I feel and this is another reason she is not pleased with me....understandably. :-\
Today I am packing and planning with lots of things on my mind....this was not what I wanted, and I truly believe that the choice to come to Shaoguan created so many problems, that our relationship was never truly given a chance to work before the stress of everything ripped us apart. Sadly over the past few days we have been able to talk better than at any time since I arrived, she is open to me, stays calm when I ask her to clarify things that do not translate well and she even cooked me a really nice dinner last night. She still does not want to date anymore so I do not think she is trying to work her way back into my life...I think she is now finally allowing her true nature to come out now that there is no more stress on us, and she knows that she is moving back to where she is comfortable and has a network of friends. This is why I am torn about where to live.
I told her point blank that if were friends I will date other woman if I meet somebody, and she understood but still said it will not stop us from being friends....Like I said, I hate to burn bridges....undecided :-\
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Just why do you need a high power phone? I can ring anywhere in the world on Skype and have no problem. Are your customers on the moon?
Willy
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Just why do you need a high power phone? I can ring anywhere in the world on Skype and have no problem. Are your customers on the moon?
Willy
Its not a "high power" phone, its a VOIP voice over IP system that is part of my business systems. My company has a long established toll free number and this system runs my fax machine as well. It does not use much bandwidth per say, unless I am on the internet, while talking on the phone and sending a fax...then you start to run into bandwidth issues. The system is also tied into my cell phone and is highly integrated into my CRM system that is part of my new company software. Skype is NOT an option for my business.
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Hi Lain,
I've been away for two days, so just read your progress.
I think your doing well and have responded well to the situation. And I have admired your honesty. I understand you not wanting to burn bridges, as you have invested a lot of time and money with this woman. I am sure you will know what to do as things progress. Keep on keeping on Lain. It doesn't matter how old we get, we still keep learning, and most of the times, it is from our 'mistakes'.
Peter.
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Just why do you need a high power phone? I can ring anywhere in the world on Skype and have no problem. Are your customers on the moon?
Willy
Yea Willy he doesn't need a high power phone. Just a good 21st century internet connection.
I do remember the days we would have killed for 1.3mps. Now a days it's like what dial-up was to us a few years ago.
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I do remember the days we would have killed for 1.3mps. Now a days it's like what dial-up was to us a few years ago.
I'm on 31.2 Kbps... thats "b" not "B" for the nerds!
And my throughput is lucky to average 12.5%...
Bloody rural copper line laid in the 1960's!
I'm in a hollow in a valley blocking wireless/cellular modems, and a whacking great mountain between me and the satellite on the horizon! When this house was built in the 1930's no-one thought about keeping a clear line of sight to the internet satellite :D
I'm looking forward to China :D forget the stereotype my mother has of a repressive tyrannical communist country of backward, rice growing peasants with straw hats bossed over my jackbooted party thugs, I'm looking forward to a thriving metropolis with DECENT INTERNET! Not to forget the pretty women :P
Good luck with your shift Lain, hopefully it'll be painless and you can get your income stream flowing smoothly again soon.
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Ha Kiwi , Maybe you should show your Mum - China Daily .com , one day they might even have some news about Kiwi land , if you have not been there yet boy you are in for a big suprise , even the small cities have a population 3 times that of New Zealand and several have pops more than all of Australia , and yes the ladies are blinders , regards Sujuan and Robert .
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Well, at the last moment (actually the very last) I chose to stay in Xiaolan where she was coming home too. This is where we were going to live together, and its where I had made all my plans to live before moving from the states. We traveled by high speed rail from Shaoguan to Guangzhou than got on a bus. Most of the way she took a nap, but she talked with me a few times and made some gestures to me that she still cares for me, nothing major....but I understood.
When the bus stopped in Xiaolan, the plan was for me to continue on to Zhongshan.....but only a few minutes before we arrived I could see the look of happiness on her face, she was pointing out places she likes and she was once more the lady I had come to love so much. So at the last minute, I chose to get off the bus with her and check into a hotel. I called the shipping company and told them to send my stuff to the new hotel and we then went to have dinner together....some of her friends met up with us and I could tell almost instantly that Xiaolan is where she always wanted us to be.....later that night her friends took us to a really cool club and we partied until 4am.....we were both really happy.
Even though we are still only going to be friends, with a chance that we could get back together again, I have chosen to focus on getting my life strait and my business back on track. I am still desperate to get some help locating an apartment...I am hoping to secure a place over the weekend, than get going with what I need to do so that I can live here on my own. I think in part she was not ready to handle me being so dependent upon her to survive in China?...I am sure she wanted to do her best, but living in Shaoguan was a major problem for her since she did not know her way around the city and she had to depend on her sister....who she did not get along with....it was complicated to say the least.
So, now I am staying at a hotel with a "modern" internet connection, have been able to get lots of work done and perform updates and backups to my network that were impossible in Shaoguan. I am so happy to be here I could almost cry....if I EVER return to Shaoguan, there better be a really damn good reason...and I will not stay more than 3 days unless I am getting paid too!!!
My future plan is to as mentioned focus on my life, put a nice little apartment together and try to make some new friends. I do not know if there are any westerners living here?....but think I need to find at least a couple of English speaking people to keep my sanity and help me until I get some Mandarin in my vocabulary. If we ever get back together it will be with a different understanding of how the relationship will work, but I am not even going to think much abut it at this point. I am glad she still wants to be friends, going to dinner or to a club with someone you know is always a good thing....besides that now I can buy nice things for myself and she will see what she is missing out on. I am not a wealthy person by any standards, but the $US dollar goes along way here and life can be good if you do a little planning.
I will not consider any relationship above "friend" status for at least the next 30-60 days. There is simply too much to learn about China, its customs and cultures to expect any relationship to work out until I get more accustomed to this new place....I now call home.
I will still need some help from some folks, Willy I may be calling you over the weekend if some of my plans do not go well. I need a local translator really bad to help me with securing an apartment and some other things...I know your about 30 minutes by bus south of me, so unless I really need to will not impose upon ya, but if you know a translator who can come to Xiaolan to help....give me call.
I may be down, but I am not out....just need to rethink what I THOUGHT I already knew about life here.....reality is a harsh teacher. :o
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Hi Lain,
Glad you feel more settled. I know that feeling of feeling helpless in China without someone to help you. It is good that you are feeling your way through this thing a step at a time. I hope you can source some English speaking people. I know how that feels too! Keep on keeping on.
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I belong to no religion....however I do believe in "higher powers", and I have in my years noticed that sometimes people will enter into your life..at just the right time, and moment.
So, as everyone knows I have ended up in Xiaolan, girlfriend (ex) was useless to help even though she told me she would....feeling majorly overwhelmed, have to start all over, find new apartment and ya know all rest...So I am out just riding my bike around with no direction, just looking around and trying to gain a clear perspective. I stopped at a 3 way intersection on the sidewalk to take a drink and see if I can remember the way back to my hotel. Just then I look at the shop right behind me and notice pictures of homes and apartments on the walls, so I bust out my Besta-7000 translation tool and walk in....the person sitting at the desk actually spoke decent enough English to understand my needs, showed me 5 apartments and yesterday I signed the lease and he even took care of getting ALL my services connected along with the internet I require AND will even take me to the local police station to register with them... :) ...I move in tomorrow !!
Now here is where it gets REALLY interesting. As I was unlocking my bike and saying goodbye to the rental office agent on the sidewalk, and a blond haired girl walks up to me and says hello....She is from England and is here with 6 others teaching English at a small school.... :o
We chat for almost half an hour and then she says the group was all going out to dinner that night and asked me to come along....SO, now I have an apartment, everything I need will be installed or completed by the end of the week....and I now have a group of English speaking friends that know the city, can help me find my way around and hang out with when I have a real need to talk to somebody who UNDERSTANDS ME!!
Your life can change in only one week.....I was at rock bottom, now I floating on the surface, in another couple weeks I will find my direction and be back on my path to living my life here in China. HOWEVER, I have chosen that until I can function as a person without ANY help to live here, I will not seek a girlfriend...New friends to hang out with yes, but an affair of the heart....sorry, there are just too many things that I need to learn about life in China before I try that again. China truly is a much different culture, and I have allot to learn about so I do not get burned again.
To everyone who chatted with me, gave me moral support or offers to actually help....THANKS, sometimes just a person to chat with is all you need to stay on track.
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That is all great news Lain , see not so hard after all , you never know what leads to wherever in China so great and goodluck , but try not to fall in love with a pommie ha ha , regards Sujuan and Robert .
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I will simply echo everyone else here- and say nice to hear this good news Lain!!
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Hmm, I just got back here after a long hiatus, and it seems you have turned the situation around like a regular 007 :)
Lain, you were getting screwed, but now methinks you are gonna get
Laid (one way or another) ^_^
Congrats! (belatedly) & all the best, buddy!
Happy New Year!