China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Hans on June 29, 2009, 02:48:12 pm
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I am a little curious about what plans all the other board members have with their ladies regarding future residence. Is your plan to take the lady to your country or to move to China? Have you considered both alternatives? Have you talked about it with her – if you have, what was her response? I know many of us will say that it doesn't matter as long as we are together with the one we love and maybe that's the simple truth. But still - we have to make the decision sooner or later.
I have been in love with China since my first visit four years ago so my dream is to move there in a few years. Learning Chinese at a university in the West is fine, but to actually learn the language I think you need to be in China for some time. Maybe it will only stay a dream and I know that there are tons of practical issues to be dealt with, but with a Chinese lady as my inspiration I will at least make a try for it. We have not actually discussed it at length yet, though. Of course we could live together here in Sweden. But I don't have much family left here anymore and it would be much more difficult for her to learn both English and Swedish than for me to learn "only" Mandarin. And - I love China. :heart:
So what is your plan, guys?
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Angel is coming to the states. No question. But if worse came to worse and her Visa was refused, I would go there.
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Several plans in place. Starting with we marry there come here. If all goes well ($$) six months there in summer, six here in winter. Second plan, we live here and visit there when we could. A couple more plans but the last one is if she can't come here? I'm moving there.
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Mine wants to live here for 10 to 15 years, then when we retire, move there.
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Good question, and one Ling and I have discussed at length.
She has a good job and a comfortable lyfestyle, I have pretty much the same here. I love China and have often thought aboutdoing the TEFL thing even if things didn;t work out with me and Ling.
The current idea is that she will visit me here to get an idea of what living here would be like and we'll take it from there. I don't have a mortgage and have been saving as house prices here are in full crash mode and likely to stay like that for another couple of years minimum so nothing to stop me moving to China, and that idea appeals to me hugely if I'm honest. While my job and lifestyle are comfortable I've been doing the same kind of role the last 10 years and am facing a bit of a ceiling money wise in my profession so maybe its time for something new?
As long as my future is with her I'll be happy any place, i think if we had kids that I'd rather bring them up here though - better healthcare and opportunities for them here I think, a lot to think about in years to come.
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Zhou and I are going to live ther after I retire in 13 more years, I'll sell the buisness and take the money from that, my 401k, and the sale of a few things I have here and go there.
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Mike 4747 sorry to hear the bad news, hope you find a new job soon.
I am considering both. My children will be having children within the next 5 years and would like to be here for that and maybe retire there. Income could go a lot further. There are a lot of issues to settle in my heart alone then you've got her heart to think about.
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It can be done and life really is much simpler here.
China Shark Mike
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It can be done and life really is much simpler here.
That's what I am dreaming of. A simple life with a woman I love. The biggest issue is to find a decent job in China. I still have about 35 years left before retirement. Oh, well. One thing at a time...
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Well I made the decision too move too China on two points
Point One: China Shark, his refusal to lie down, and everything he has wrote about living there, and the pleasure he must get with his teaching.
Point Two: I wondered after reading so many (bad) stuff that was coming onto the forum (at that time), that if anything was to happen between Ke Ren and I (not knowing me etc), then I am going to live there and I can find someone else, and because of my life's experiences, I could teach, I was going there for a holiday anyway, it's a chance of a lifetime......So why not take the chance. The United Kingdom has had it's day and is dying on it's feet, and I have nothing here holding me, divorced, no kids at home, unemployed....
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I see Robert , the UK is looking like the US . China does look like our best ESCAPE out of those ones beautiful places . I hope it will not get itself too westernized , at least not while were there .
Also going by my Mother , that lives in Germany now for some time , thing's she say's are getting worse than Detroit . She lived there for some ten year's and felt safer . Now that got to mean something ?:s
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Well I got a "Job offer" but it's in Brazil. I get to live in a mansion across from the beach? Put a crew together to remodel homes there, but I don't see that happening. I'm not to big on living there and what do I do with my lady in China?
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But Brazilian girls... wait, nevermind.
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Neil, yeah I know but? :icon_wink:
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Hey Mike, where did you get a picture of my x?
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Shaun, I sure as hel* hope you eye sight has improved, man but that is ugggllyy!!!
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Yeah ... talking about the Woman having ' Balls " . Hehehe
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Rob, that was exactly the position I was in prior to moving here, unemployed, divorced, childless so what did I have to lose. Not much at all, economy is in the toilet and won't get better for sometime. Way I see it I am living life on my terms, doing what feels right in my heart. There are plenty of teaching jobs availible if you really it. I am turning down work here because I'de prefer not working for some individuals and I'm already booked up. It was one of the smartest leaps of faith I ever took in life. Granted I haven't found my soulmate yet I have a lot of time to meet women here because of course I live here.
China Shark Mike
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Moving to China. I am now living in China and whatever happens I have a great apartment in a beautiful setting and a beautiful future wife and a prospective mother in law who can cook like a dream. And she only lives in the next block to us in this secure garden.
It is still early days yet to form an opinion but at this stage it looks like this was the wisest decision I ever made but I will keep you all informed as time progresses.
I am already used to the traffic and the fact that pedestrians walk across the busiest road and the cars do go round you. Luo Li is working during the day but if I am going anywhere alone I have the name of the place written out in Chinese to hand to taxi drivers. I am based in Zhuhai
Willy
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Willy, welcome I know what you mean. Different way of looking at things living here.
China Shark Mike
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Moving hopefully in September, November at the latest.
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Hello all, well it has been a few months since I have posted here.
UPDATE,,,,,,,my wife and I got married back in Sept/2008 and started the immigration process in Nov/2008. We have completed all the required steps and we have been "approved". The last and final step is for us to attend our interview at the Canadian Embassy in Beijing in August, this will be the final approval. (we have our appointment/date set) I have hired immigration lawyers and they have done a great job!!
Okay, so here we are now,,,,,,I have been to China 3 times already since we have been married, (in Sept, then in December/January, and then in May) I must say I love it there!! yes I know it is not the same thing to visit and to actually live there. I have been discussing this with my wife for a few months now, I WANT TO GO THERE to live, my wife however wants to come here to Canada, we are at a stand point ! . She has a very good job over there and lives in an beautiful condo. She said if she passes here interview then she wants to come here and try the life style before making any drastic dissensions about where we will live, if she fails the interview then she said we will live in China (of course).
We talk every day and I often talk about this with her with little progress. She is tired of her town where she lives, and I am tired of where I live (god I hate the long cold winters, damn snow!!!!) anyways I just wanted to share that with you. I will keep you updated as to our final decision.
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Rob, that was exactly the position I was in prior to moving here, unemployed, divorced, childless so what did I have to lose. Not much at all, economy is in the toilet and won't get better for sometime. Way I see it I am living life on my terms, doing what feels right in my heart. There are plenty of teaching jobs availible if you really it. I am turning down work here because I'de prefer not working for some individuals and I'm already booked up. It was one of the smartest leaps of faith I ever took in life. Granted I haven't found my soulmate yet I have a lot of time to meet women here because of course I live here.
China Shark Mike
China Shark,
If, someone has $150K in savings. And they decide to move to China, and choose not to work, how many months/years will that cash last to support a very comfortable lifestyle? I really appreciate your new found wisdom on these subjects. It is nice to have "boots on the ground" in China.
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I just found out our company has an office in China at Tianjin. I have to do a rush job from there. But due to the power of the internet, where before they would send me there, instead they will send the data to me to download. At least the power of modern technology allows me to see my wife with webcam. But still it was nice thinking that I could have gotten a free trip to China.
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Skip, that is fortune over here. You could probably invest that and just live off dividends and interest for the rest of your life. That is of course barring any major health issues from family members. I make around 9,300 rmbs on a slow month {$1,300. } You could live really very comfortable on $1,000. here. As long as you aren't taking expensive vacations and eating at fancy restaurants your money would last quite a long time. Sort of a little envious of your situation, would love not to work and just travel around this beautiful country. If you are mentally prepared for this you'll have the time of your life. Never looked back or regretted the decision, smartest move I ever made in my life. Screw mediocrity, do what feels right in your heart. Look me up in you're ever in or around Shenzhen, show some of my city.
China Shark Mike:icon_cool:
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Skip, that is fortune over here. You could probably invest that and just live off dividends and interest for the rest of your life. That is of course barring any major health issues from family members. I make around 9,300 rmbs on a slow month {$1,300. } You could live really very comfortable on $1,000. here. As long as you aren't taking expensive vacations and eating at fancy restaurants your money would last quite a long time. Sort of a little envious of your situation, would love not to work and just travel around this beautiful country. If you are mentally prepared for this you'll have the time of your life. Never looked back or regretted the decision, smartest move I ever made in my life. Screw mediocrity, do what feels right in your heart. Look me up in you're ever in or around Shenzhen, show some of my city.
China Shark Mike:icon_cool:
Very interesting Mike. the woman I have been writing to is from Shenzhen. her name is Alice. I plan to come between Oct and Dec. It is not my current $$ standing; but, it would be my goal before moving.
I for sure will give you a heads up. I will be excited to meet you and hang out some. How credible is the agency there in your opinion? Her profile number is P588116. She says it is hidden. I would appreciate it if you can check to validate that.
Skip
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Very interesting Mike. the woman I have been writing to is from Shenzhen. her name is Alice. I plan to come between Oct and Dec. It is not my current $$ standing; but, it would be my goal before moving.
I for sure will give you a heads up. I will be excited to meet you and hang out some. How credible is the agency there in your opinion? Her profile number is P588116. She says it is hidden. I would appreciate it if you can check to validate that.
Skip
Skip I just checked and the search for your girl's profile comes up empty, so no worries there. I don't know about the agency and I don't know if China Shark will know since it is located in Guangdong.
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Very interesting Mike. the woman I have been writing to is from Shenzhen. her name is Alice. I plan to come between Oct and Dec. It is not my current $$ standing; but, it would be my goal before moving.
I for sure will give you a heads up. I will be excited to meet you and hang out some. How credible is the agency there in your opinion? Her profile number is P588116. She says it is hidden. I would appreciate it if you can check to validate that.
Skip
Skip I just checked and the search for your girl's profile comes up empty, so no worries there. I don't know about the agency and I don't know if China Shark will know since it is located in Guangdong.
Thanks Rhonald,
She seems straight as an arrow....except in all the right places...those are real curvy :icon_cheesygrin:
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[Skip
Thanks Rhonald,
She seems straight as an arrow....except in all the right places...those are real curvy :icon_cheesygrin:
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Slow down or you might "Skip" a curve :icon_cheesygrin: dangerous curves ahead. I know what you are going through Skip - untill you make your trip, there is always that little voice worrying you " is she for real"
Well I found out to my delight she was real, so here's to hoping you share the same fortune. I have to confess to the brotherhood that July 8th was our one year anniversary of the start of our first letters. The end result - I sent Chnlove a success letter and this picture. Forgive the eyebrows, I think that they view me as a Vulcan. Now the town of Vulcan is close to Calgary but I don't have pointed ears.
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That is a truly cool photo Rhonald. Do they rent those flowing robes, or do you have to buy them? :icon_cool:
Skip
[Skip
Thanks Rhonald,
She seems straight as an arrow....except in all the right places...those are real curvy :icon_cheesygrin:
Slow down or you might "Skip" a curve :icon_cheesygrin: dangerous curves ahead. I know what you are going through Skip - untill you make your trip, there is always that little voice worrying you " is she for real"
Well I found out to my delight she was real, so here's to hoping you share the same fortune. I have to confess to the brotherhood that July 8th was our one year anniversary of the start of our first letters. The end result - I sent Chnlove a success letter and this picture. Forgive the eyebrows, I think that they view me as a Vulcan. Now the town of Vulcan is close to Calgary but I don't have pointed ears.
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Ps. Rhonald,
I live in Arkansas. Curves everywhere. We almost never miss one!
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China Shark and fellow Brothers, As I have stated previously, I really like it over there in China, I have visited China on a few occasions and I seriously am thinking about moving there. Although China is not for everyone, some like to complain and have more difficulties adapting to different environments and culture issues. My wife wants to come to Canada to see if she would like the life style here, i have been debating this issue with her for some time now. I was also thinking about teaching English in China, I actually went to a few of my wife's English classes with her when I was in China and on two occasions her teacher asked me if I would help him give the class. I also visited a institute that teaches English for students and adults, i am not a teacher by trade but I am very interested in the possibility of teaching.
My plan was to sell my house, take some of the money a place it in two different banks (I want to keep some of the money outside of China) After paying off a loan and the balance of the house I could walk away with approximately 90,000.00 - 100,000.00 in my pocket. I do not want to sound too weird here, but I seriously have this feeling deep in my heart and strongly believe this is where I should be ( in China). This is not simply because I want to be with my wife, I love the culture, the people, the way of life there, I am not saying it will be easy, as you and the other "brothers" know life is difficult everywhere now in these hard economical times. I wish I could convince my wife of this, I do not know what to do at this point, like I said, my heart tells me to go, my wife tells me to stay and wait for her arrival. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Continuation,
My wife said that if she "fails" her interview in August that we will live in her in condo in China, I am pretty darn sure that she will "pass"!! I do not want to sound mean or anything, I love my wife very much and I want her to be happy, but honestly a part of me hopes that she fails simply because this would mean I will go to China.
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Bob, I have to say I'm with you in that line of thinking. Got a real dilemma there, wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now. See if you can make a comprimise and possible live in each place initially for a six month period. Then suggest you spend the first six months in China. I would also try to impress upon her the importance of you really wanting to embrace her culture and learn about it firsthand rather than afar in your own country. Explain to her that in order to better understand her you would like to teach English for a period of time. Everyday I teach I learn new things about Chinese culture. For example a four taloned dragon is not considered Chinese, only a five taloned dragon is considered Chinese. It is these little nuances of thier culture you can only pick up from being actually within the culture. I got my fingers crossed for you brother, hope you can persuade her in you favor.
China Shark Mike
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Rhonald
Sorry, a lttle off track, but great picture, you must be happy!
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Hello all, well it has been a few months since I have posted here.
UPDATE,,,,,,,my wife and I got married back in Sept/2008 and started the immigration process in Nov/2008. We have completed all the required steps and we have been "approved". The last and final step is for us to attend our interview at the Canadian Embassy in Beijing in August, this will be the final approval. (we have our appointment/date set) I have hired immigration lawyers and they have done a great job!!
Okay, so here we are now,,,,,,I have been to China 3 times already since we have been married, (in Sept, then in December/January, and then in May) I must say I love it there!! yes I know it is not the same thing to visit and to actually live there. I have been discussing this with my wife for a few months now, I WANT TO GO THERE to live, my wife however wants to come here to Canada, we are at a stand point ! . She has a very good job over there and lives in an beautiful condo. She said if she passes here interview then she wants to come here and try the life style before making any drastic dissensions about where we will live, if she fails the interview then she said we will live in China (of course).
We talk every day and I often talk about this with her with little progress. She is tired of her town where she lives, and I am tired of where I live (god I hate the long cold winters, damn snow!!!!) anyways I just wanted to share that with you. I will keep you updated as to our final decision.
Bob,
I feel your pain, I am in almost exactly the same situation, only difference is I live in Florida which has an identical climate to Zhanjiang, and her youngest sister just moved to Phoenix. From the letters we exchanged my Laopo captured my heart and soul and when I stepped off the airplane in Mother China she captured me as well. I spend much time talking with Laopo about her coming to America or me Coming to China. She is very determined that we will live in the US. I don't think she understands just that the US is in an economic and cultural decline and that life is not as simple and relaxed as what I've seen in China. But then again I understand that I have not experienced living in China for a long time. I guess it comes down to a tired old cliche " the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".
Hang in there Bob and maybe she'll see that living in the west is not quite as glamorous as the women's magazines in China make it seem.
:idea:
Peace,
Tom
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She is very determined that we will live in the US. I don't think she understands just that the US is in an economic and cultural decline and that life is not as simple and relaxed as what I've seen in China. But then again I understand that I have not experienced living in China for a long time. I guess it comes down to a tired old cliche " the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".
Hang in there Bob and maybe she'll see that living in the west is not quite as glamorous as the women's magazines in China make it seem.
Tom
Looking back , when I finished my Schooling in Germany ( at 16 ) , I wanted out and exlpore America . Don't ask me why , I just was drawn to go and see for myself . I wanted something NEW and this after only 16 year's .
So , now I can understand .. why my Wife want's to rather live in the States , as she want's OUT of a place she know's already inside and out . She had 40 year's of pretty much the same . So , I think ( as a high procentage of us guy's and their Lady's weigh those add's and end's of where to live ) we should have the Lady's come to visit us FIRST and let them see what it's like , for themselves . Then , talk about it again and decide . This also has the benefit of your Lady having a Visa " OUT " that comes in very handy , when you two decide to Travel anywhere in the World later on .
Anyway ... just my four Cent's .
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I agree with Mike
Only been here two weeks now but it looks like we will live well enough on our joint income and still save at least 10,000 CNY a month.
Breakfast/Lunch from the 'cafe' opposite my apartment costs me 5 CNY and it fills me for the best part of the day until dinner comes around.
Willy
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Brothers, this is a very, very long story, so brew some coffee and have a seat,,,,well,things are not going so well for me and my wife at the moment. Spoke with my wife for about 2-3 hours via web cam last night, and now I have just seen her on-line, she came on and stayed for 5 minutes then left with no "hello", "good night", or "go to hell", I know she was checking her stocks and probably is very tired from our long talk. During our talks last night she told me that she had to leave for 20 minutes, and asked me to wait (she had to scan a document and send it to me,she had to go to a friends house to do this because she has no printer/scanner) O.k no problem that it fully understandable,,,then she comes back and we talk for a bit, then with no warning gets up and leaves me waiting for another 15 minutes, this is not the first time that this has happened. She went to cook some food. I thought to myself that she could at least have told me that she wanted to prepare some food, I would have completely understood, but noooooo,,,just get up and leave in the middle of a conversation, god that gets my ass boiled , very rude in my opinion. I know enough about "the Chinese ways" but this is ridicules, example, the damn cell phone thing, everyone that is dating or married to a Chinese woman knows, you can not get her to stop talking or answering that damn cell phone every 10 minutes. When I was in China, (3 times) each time we would sit down to eat her phone would ring, she would answer and talk for several minutes, sometimes for 30 minutes or more on the phone while at the dinner table. I tried to explain to her that I do not mind if she is constantly on the phone, however when it is time for us to eat to please tell her friends that she will call them back after we have finished eating. I have tried to explain to her and make her understand that this is considered rude in the west, she understood and said okay, the next day she did the same thing and continued to do so the rest of my visit!! I know this will take time to change, but god all mighty!!! Another example,,Once it was late at night, we started to get intimate with each other, her phone rings,,guess what she did?,,, yup, she answered the damn phone !! that killed the moment. Imagine, she has 3 cell phones !! one for work,one for calls inside the city, and one for calls outside the city, this phone thing is an obsession. I have talked to 2 men from the west when I was over in China, they also experience some of the same thing with their wives concerning the phone thing, well I guess I just have to get used to it . Do any of you get the feeling that we (the males) are the ones doing most of the compromises and understandings? we try harder to learn and understand their ways and culture differences, and they do little to understand western ways or adapt? I thought there would be compromises and understanding on both sides and that we would find a middle ground between the two cultures, but that does not seem to be the case. Not to sound mean but I know this will change once she is here in my country, there won't be anyone to call every 10 minutes. Sorry, I am just venting a little frustration that I feel at the moment.
This is personal but I will share this with you, last night when we where talking, I have mentioned to her several months ago (about 7 or 8 months ago) to start saving some of her money for when it is time to come to my country. I am not cheap, but I thought I would get some help with all the financial stuff,,I have spent more then 120,000 RMB since the beginning, ( immigration lawyers fee's, 3 visits to China,the restaurants,gifts, wedding ring's,visa's,paper work for immigration, other immigration fee's, money i gave twice to her parents,etc....I paid for everything) She was married to a very wealthy man before, he pays her money each month, alimony for her and their son, her son is now 21, and the ex-husband also pays for the condo that she is living in, (the condo will be completely paid for in 4 years time, this is when her ex-husband will stop giving her money) . That was the deal in the divorce agreement. Fine, I have no problem with that and I am happy for her situation and it is her money not mine, she usually carries about a thousand RMB on her at all times, so she is not poor by any means. So, when I asked her how much money she has saved, she said only 5000 RMB !!!!! huum,,lets see now,,,i spent 120,000RMB and she is willing to spend 5000RMB, WOW!!!! is it written sucker on my forehead!!! That won't even cover her plane tickets cost!!! I am wrong to think this way? I love her, and she is a good kind women, but when it comes to money issues it is a different game. We have an immigration interview in Beijing in August, when I told her that I should be there with her at the interview and that it will help our case she said, "well come if you want too",,??!!!! Did not offer any help in paying for hotel or anything, I told her that was a damn cold answer. I thought she would answer something like,,,,"oh yes dear, i would be very happy, please come", did not happen. She said that she is tired and would like to rest. So fine, i said go if you want to, damn,,she did!!!!
I do not know,,I am feeling pretty down at the moment. A little disappointed and feeling hurt to be honest, I guess the word "love" means many different things to many different people. I know that she loves me, before getting married I actually talked with her father,mother other family members and friends, they all said that she loves me very much, and I know that she does, but she shows little passion and compassion, (this is what her ex-husband has also told her when they divorced, her ex cheated on her and hurt her, she felt ashamed and humiliated.) I tried to tell her that it is not her fault that her ex cheated on her, hell lets be honest here, most wealthy men cheat on their wives, most of them have mistresses. Although I do not agree with it, it is the truth. I am not better then any another man here, however I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends before, it is not my style of character.
Here is another story,,,,,when I was in China, on my second visit back in December/January. I went to visit with her and the family for the x-mas and new years holidays. I stayed at her house for a few days, then we decided to go and stay at her brother spare apartment only one block away, because we would have more privacy and her son sleeps all day and plays video games all night with his friends, also I can not sleep very well there because of the traffic noise. So, when I came to put some of my clothes in the closet I noticed that it was full of male clothes, dress pants,sports jackets and suits. I knew who they belonged too, they where her ex-husbands clothes. I did not mention anything to her, so I left my clothes in my luggage. (she did not know that I have seen the clothes there) the next day the clothes disappeared !!! she emptied the closet for me to put my clothes, however did not ask me if I wanted to put my clothes in there. I let it ride for the time being,,,,then I visited her in May 2009, when I went to her house I was curious to know, so yes I did peak into the closet, only looked in the closet,,,well guess what,,the ex-husbands clothes where there !!! after 4 years of divorce, why would she still have some of his clothes???? very strange. Again, i did not say anything. When I arrived back home in June, we where talking on the web cam again as we do every night. She was showing me some clothes that she has bought, I said wow, really nice clothes, she was happy that I liked them,,fine,,so I can see her closet door in the back ground,,so I seized the moment,,,I asked her, what is on the left side of the closet, the left hand side door? she said, oh they are old clothes,,,,huuum, she did not know that I knew what was there,,,,so I asked her, open the door, I want to see,,,,she got up of the chair and accidentally hit her tea cup on the floor and the cup broke. So she said one moment please and went to get a broom and mope to clean the mess up. The web cam was positioned so that I could only see half of the right hand side of the closet, because the left hand side is in near the corner of the room, so she finished picking up the mess on the floor,,then i see her walk towards the left side of the closet, out of view of the web-cam, I could hear the closet door open, then after a minute close again,,then she approached the web cam and placed it is such a way so that I could see the left side closet door. She then opened the door,,guess what?,,,, there where no clothes in there !!!!! I knew what she had done, she emptied the closet when the camera was out of view,,,remember what I said, she did not know that I knew the clothes where there to begin with,,,so now I hit her with it,,,,I said wife,,,where are the ex-husbands clothes? what did you just do with them,,,surprise !!! yes the gig was up, she was shocked and did not know what to say at first. Then she said that he had left them there when they got divorced and that she did not want to tell me thinking I would get angry with her. I said after 4 years you still kept the clothes!!!! why did you not give them back to him? and I know the clothes will not fit her son, ( he is taller and thinner) I do not recall her answer, actually I think she tried to avoid the question. I asked her, are you still seeing the ex-husband from time to time?? she said no of course, she said that she has seen him 3 months ago to collect some money owed and to discuss issues about her son, she promises me that there is nothing going on between them. well what am I to believe,,then why the deception?
When we are together in China we have a great time together, we have no "quarrels" as they say and get along very well, and I could feel her love more. ( I am not talking about sex ) But there is some mystery behind the clothes being in her condo still after soon much time. When I try to get back onto the subject she becomes upset or will says that it makes her sad to talk about the past. A few weeks ago she was crying,,,I asked her what is wrong,,,she would not tell me,,well after 2 hours I finally got an answer, she said that her son has spoken with his father, the father (her ex-husband) has a gambling problem and lost a large amount of money, I think she said about 400,000RMB. I said why you cry?, that is not your problem, that is his problem. She said yes, that is true, however she is worried that he will not give her money for her and her son. I told her that amount of money is peanuts for him, he owns a few companies and has a lot of money, very wealthy man. She stopped crying and I tried to cheer her up. Oh, I forgot to mention, I found out that she is still working for him in one of the companies that he owns!! yup the story gets deeper. She said that work is very hard to find and that is her only means of survival (income) beside what her ex already pays for. She did not tell me in the beginning about that, I found that out on my own. When we where doing the paperwork for immigration I asked her for her business card, I wanted the full name of the company and address. This information was requested on the forms, so when she gave me the business card I obviously looked at it,,,it said her name and position,,huuum, it said CEO !!!! I knew darn well she was no CEO of a company with only a high school diploma !! Then I put two and two together, the only explanation was that this is one of the companies her husband is partners in, and when they where married he wrote her position as CEO on the business card. When I asked her about this she said "yes" that is true, then she said that title is no longer good, I said to myself,,"no, really"!!! She said that she is a marketing manager now. Well anyone who has been to China will tell you, they like to use big words and apply them to things that are not exactly true, in the sense that the word actually means something in the West, example,,,many of the schools there that I have seen will have the word "collage" or "university" when in fact it is a "High School" from western perspective, not actually a university or collage campus.
The fact is, from my understandings and with talking with others like yourselves about this, that many Chinese do not offer much information about them self's, they do not willingly divulge information. This is a culture difference, we in the west are more "yes" and "no",,,more a "black" or "white" when it comes to situation. ( obviously I do not mean race when I say black and white)
well, i just wanted to get that off my shoulders. It has been almost a year since we got married, at first I did not want to talk about this with anyone or share this, so this is the first time I talk about these specific issues between my wife and I with you all. I am curious if some of you are having some similar issues? perhaps this is another topic to start here.
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Bob the clothes thing is a little strange yes.But you are probably putting to much into it.I still have some of my exwifes stuff.It's ben over 18 years since I was married to that women.Most Chinese women I know are pretty stright forward when it comes to there men.
They are ussualy pretty faithful.If the women get caught cheating in China it can go really bad for them.You didn't say weather the exhusband is remaired if not.If not he has a girlfriend.And the girlfriend finds out he is still seeing his exwife.The girlfriend will go with her friend and beat the daylights out of the exwife.(If you dont think I'm right go to youtube and type in Asian girl fight ) you can see the results of a cheating asian women.In most cases it is not pretty.Also there is a stigma in China that can follow a Cheating women around for a long time.
If the clothes bother you that much tell your wife to throw them out.It will make for a much happier home.
The cell phone thing went threw china like a texas tornado.And yes the hole country would shut down without there cell phones.Ive heard alot of different Ideas on how to fix the problem.From just tacking it away from them to throwing it into the street and let a truck run over the phone.nown of theese suggestions I would recomend.
Most men who have brought there wifes to ther own country.Just didn't get them a cell phone.When they came to there country.My wife has ben in the states for almost 2 and halfe years and still doesn't have a cell phone.Everytime we go back to China one of her friends will give my wife a phone to use.But it isn't a problem anymore because my wifes friends have all moved away or have there own life now.So they don't have that much to say.
Of course your wife is worried about her exhusband finanacial state.Your wife works for him in one of his companies.If he looses the company.She looses the income.There is no court orderd child support or allomoney support in China.The last I heard.And if there is who is going to make the man pay.
Bob I think your having anxiety seperation.We all go threw it at one time or another while we are trying to get our wifes to are own country.I think alot of your problems will be solved when you get to bring her home.
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Wow mate what a story, I am lost for words, I really do not know what to say...................Sorry :huh:
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Wow someone needed to vent? But it's cool. No problem. I see we are alike in seeing (keeping eyes open to) things. My ex never could figure out how I know what she was doing before she did it. :dodgy:
I haven't been to China yet but I have already had dealing with most of the same. I had my suspicions. My lady now I have no problems with though I haven't been there. But there was something that annoyed me that I had her fix. That was talking on the phone she would set the phone down to do something. But I was still talking? Now she will say something like hold on. So I can relate to what your saying. I also wondered about the college / university thing? I thought I'd check that when I'm there.
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Perhaps you are right Maxx, I just found it strange, the deception, there really was no need for it. My wife should know by now I am not the jealous type, however honesty and truthfulness is very important, my wife is my partner,lover,soul mate, I do not have the same closeness to others as I would with my wife of course, so her being truthful to me is a big deal. Being truthful is more important to me then fidelity!!! If I can not have truthfulness and honesty then I have a bad habit of letting go and telling her to take a walk out of my life, and would probably regret the decision afterwords. If you can not be honest with you husband/wife, then what is the point of being together. That is my way of thinking. I would rather have the truth no matter good or bad, then to have her lie to me or to have her deceive me. I will have to try and explain that to her and make her understand that if we are to have a happy long term marriage then she must be truthful at all times. I truly care and love my wife with all my heart, I can honestly say that I have never felt this way towards a women before in my whole life, and that is not just words I say. I would literally give my life for her. Yes, I am madly in love with this women despite some of the problems. I knew there would be some obstacles facing us, this is to be expected in a mixed cultural relationship, and I am willing to adapt and understand the best that I can to make our marriage a happy one, at the same time I know it is a two way street sort of speaking. Marriage is very important to the both of us. For us it is not merely a piece of paper, it is a symbol of our commitment and love for each other. We have both been under a lot of stress these past few weeks, Deep down I know It is just a cloudy, rainy day at the moment for us,,,,soon the sun will rise and bring warmth and happiness to us, and we will be together for good in September. Thanks Maxx, it is nice knowing the good people " the brothers" on this site are here to help me and one another through difficult times, thanks to all of you for your help and encouragement.
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Bob, never thought I'de read a longer post than one of mine. Maxx'es suggestions are extremely valid and would follow to the T. I've experienced the cell phone thing the first month or so I was with my girl, ignorant as hell and always let her know it was inappropiate. Yes, Chinese culture is riddled with shades of greys with many things. No such thing as a little white lie here, it's a big white lie in many situations. Many things they feel they will loose face so they go so far out of the way to hide it that it becomes overkill and it becomes discovered anyway. Yes, I've split with my girlfriend yet I still see her at least once a week, sorry, guys I still have feelings for her yet ultimately I know we aren't right for one another. Like Maxx said anxiety seperation is playing a number on both of you psychs. If she married you she is serious so problems 99 times out of a 100 can be worked out. However, I'de man up to her about her making a real attempt at saving some real coin and not pennies like she has been. If she's carrying around 1,000 rmbs daily she's got money. Hell, I can live off 300 - 400 rmbs comfortably for a week. Start make her pull her weight also. Do not halfstep either, if you say something you need to follow through if she doesn't make the effort. Funny thing was my exgirl gave me so much grief when we were together yet once I left and moved away now she will literally do and I mean anything without a thought. Sometimes a women needs to realize how important you are in her life. Not saying to do anything drastic just draw the line on what is acceptable in China or America.
China Shark Mike
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wow...
that's a big part of your story, Bob... :s
- About the clothes, for sure, I aggree with Maxx, just ask to thrown the clothes in a bin, and it will always be something done. If she doesn't, just tell her that you're disapointed. What is the "interest" to keep those ones, because nobody will use it??? anything else I would say, why putting those clothes in the closet????
- About the money.. Well, I would say that over there, 5 000 RMB saved would always be something good... You can not compare with yourself, just because you don't win the same amount of money... don't forget that there, Bob, you're the Oil's King ;) So, if you can easily afford to spend more than 1000 rmb's in a week, just be sure that for many chinese people, they won't be able to do the same as you ;)
So, maybe can you "understand" my point on view about it.. but for sure, I don't know how much she can win per month...
- About the phone... well, I felt the same thing with Ying when we were together at one moment at the hotel... she easily spent 15 mins with her boyfriend and it was as if I was not there with her... A bit confused at first, but... I just said myself that I didn't have to be bored because of it... because she was speaking to her boyfriend. And I could not be angry on the moment.
there are many things to do, for sure... maybe does she have a personality which is "personal", I mean, she thinks for her at first, then for others, next. But I'm maybe wrong... If her ex also mentionned something that you are living with her and that you see and which doesn't please you, she has to do something.
There is only one way to solve all that :
Communication.
I wish you will solve all your problems ASAP ;)