China Romance
General Discussion and Useful Links => Ask An Experienced Member => Topic started by: Andy on August 12, 2009, 11:04:06 am
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I have been writing letters to this lady since May and recently her letters got short and also stop showing any affection. I have confronted her about her letters and she wrote me she has doubts about our relationship since I have told her that I need it to save up for my trip to China, but I will be ready to go in October. She seems to be quite naive and thinks that everyone in the U.S. is loaded.
Wants me to buy her parents a house as a wedding gift. She wrote me it would cost ten thousand dollars and then two hundred a month for an apartment. Then she told me that a common Chinese wedding cost ten thousand dollars also. I have read on the forums that their wedding cost fraction of that amount. It would take me about two years to save up for ten G. She is concerned that I am not prepared financially. Also assured me that she loves me and she is convinced that I am in love with her too. I have told her that I am not in love with the letter before that, but she telling me now that she know it from my voice in the phone and from the word of my letters that I do love her.
I do care for her and it wouldn’t be easy to just cut her out of my life, but I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t fall in love with a picture of a pretty girl. I am thinking of alternative solutions besides ending this relationship as it is now. I think she need to be educated more and perhaps she is getting bad advice from the agency. Can you give me an advice what should I do?
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What is with these woman wanting the men to buy houses for their parents? Are they all reading the same Cosmo China magazine?
I won't tell you what to do. I can only suggest. In this case I will tell you what I would do. Lay it on the line. Tell her you work for a living and there's no free ride. If you want to help the parents "AFTER" your married tell her, if you don't tell her now. Put it all out there for her to understand now. If she backs away or disagrees? Then it's better now then later.
My lady knows I'm not loaded. But she also knows I am trying. She excepted this from the beginning and she's the same. She works for a living. I offered to buy her a A/C unit but she doesn't want to pay a higher electric bill. I understand this. But I know it from laying it on the line. This is how it is and this is what I want. period.
Sorry I have a anger issue with women that do this. Ask my Ex.
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Andy, there are tons of other ladies who don't have dollar signs in their eyes and lead a very humble life, my wife for example.
From what you've written, I'd bail on her and start over. I know it's not an easy thing to do but by the sound of it I think your right in that she does believe the streets of america are paved in gold and it's not an easy task to explain to her that this isnt the truth. I'm not saying she's not worth it but I am saying it's going to be a very long and difficult road just to get her to understand and then, how will she feel about you when she does realize the truth? Will you be the great disapointment if your not the rich man she really wants?
I told my wife, she wasnt when I told her, how my finances were; allimony'd and child supported to the eyeballs. I told her deliberatly since if we were going to move forward I needed her to know this and accept that I am not the rich man. Her reply was that when we marry, my problems become her problems and we'll work out the solutions together. It really told me that she desired love and happiness over everything. That sealed the deal for me.
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I am with Ed on this one Andy. You could be building up a load of problems. Next thing she is that she may be asking you to send her the money in advance.
If that happens cut and run.
Willy
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I also agree with them as well as Mike mate...
God mine went mad at me when I offered to buy her something...
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$he ha$ ca$h i$$ue$, follow the other guys advice, lots of nice ladies over there, can be very tough to find the right one.
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I agree with the rest.... My wife have never ever asked me about sending her any money. I once offered to send her money to buy a camera but she refused..
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Andy,
All i see from your post is Red Flags and Flashing Red Lights. Now she's either fishing, or she has the idea firmly set in her head that your loaded.
You can try laying it out on the line as Vince suggested, and see what happens, you never know, she may get the real picture. But to my mind she is letting you know what her price is for marring you. it's a bloody high price too.....
Sad and as unfortnate as it may be, I'd be inclined to start looking elsewhere, as Willy and the others have pointed out, you maybe letting yourself in for a whole load of grief, that you neither want or are prepared for !!
David.....
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Andy;
Listen to the guys, you can either cut your losses now, get by with a small bandage and short recovery time, or you can continue and most likely end up with a severe hemorrhage and a very long difficult recovery period. Small pain now, much larger issues down the road. Tough call, but really a no other choice
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If you have feelings for her which I think you do? And she may have real feelings for you? I say give it a chance to get things understood. She sounds young and is a dreamer. So she thinks she is getting all she wants. Bring her down to earth. If she is harsh on her replies and insistent it's her way or nothing. Then cut her loose, because she's not going to meet you at least half way.
another thing you can do if she's reluctant is tell her the woman pays for the wedding and gifts come from the brides parents to the groom, in the west, so if she wants to spend her parents money on a big wedding that's ok. As long as there is enough for her parents to buy you a house. :icon_biggrin:
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Thank you for the help.
I am going to tell her what I can afford wedding and gifts to her parents. I am going to describe her life with me here. She wrote me that she does not looking for a rich husband so I guess she is a bit naive about how much I can afford. Her expectations are high so I will bring her down to earth and if she really loves me then she will compromise and understand. If she will not compromise then that is end of our relationship. I am running away from the money grabbing westerner ladies so believe me that I do not want to find one in China too. Will see how she answers tomorrow...
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Andy
She is not looking for a western husband...she is looking for an ATM to make her and her parents life perfect.........love dont figure in that equation
Exit stage left :):)
DavidE
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Andy, I agree with Vince, Willy and the others, each make very good points, and I think you have the right approach in your last post. Tell her how it is and see what she say's, if she truly has feelings for you then she should understand your financial situation. Let's face it, with the economy the way it is now the last thing you need is a women who wants to drain you financially, or has unrealistic expectations or dreams. You will have your answer in her next letter, if she makes high demands then just let her go, otherwise she may cause you much stress,pain, and heart aches further down the road.
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Ok, I got the price down to ten thousand including everything. It seems she is willing to work me on this issue. I did a research on the net and the average Chinese wedding actually cost more. In urban areas the average price hits seventy thousand USD! As it is now she backed off from me buying a house to her parents. I had some more questions to her that will determent how I proceed with this relationship.
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Ok, I got the price down to ten thousand including everything. It seems she is willing to work me on this issue. I did a research on the net and the average Chinese wedding actually cost more. In urban areas the average price hits seventy thousand USD! As it is now she backed off from me buying a house to her parents. I had some more questions to her that will determent how I proceed with this relationship.
That is a reasonable cost for a first time Chinese wedding. 50,000 RMB is considered a low dowry in Hunan Province where your lady is from, so this new price seems reasonable. Loan time!
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This is a problem if you go for ladies who have never married before. Divorced ones are better as this problem should not arise for a second marriage.
Willy
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I agree with some of the other guys here. Perhaps you should be looking for someone else.
I told my girl out front that I'm not a rich guy, or poor, just middle class, and that I work for a living, and that I expect that she find a job when she gets here (after she learns English), and she's looking forward to that.
I even offered to help her with the translation fees, and she said for me to not worry about the fees. Her comment was, that she is willing to spend the money now, for a lifetime of love and happiness.
What a woman!!!
RC
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RC...
it's better that she considers herself to be JUST joining you in your country and worry about work in a couple years afterward, Governments dont like the idea of imigrants coming in and taking jobs(from imigration standpoints).
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How much in USD is 50,000 RMB? That sounds like a huge amount, Last time I asked these guys I got some outstanding reply's such as the dinner where you have to pay for a dinner for your family and their family, which can be up to 200 people. As I understood this one guy. He had a huge wedding dinner in a really fancy hotel, he was looking for around 50 people, when 200 showed up (they invite half of china to these things) and he freaked out, he didn't know if he had enough money for the dinner and his new wife offered to help out. But when the bill came it was around 200 dollars USD and from what he wrote and described, it was one hell of a dinner with all the trimmings.
Now don''t forget a few little details (as described to me)
1. you don't have to, but custom dictates that you give each family member some money and it must be wraped with a red ribbon.
2. If she has a bill, and I'm sure she does at the agency, it's up to you to take care of it. (good luck on that one)
3. You also pick up the tab for the chinese wedding...who knows how much that is.
4. Any fees for visa's, or paperwork at the conslute and chinese licence agency...
5. Your hotel and food bills, travel, etc.
6. The interpter fee's, one will always be with you, 24-7 you have to hire one.
7. I'm not sure about the wedding dress, but check if you have to buy it.
I could go on and on, as I recieved a lot of e-mail on this subject, some from Maxx and Vince. If you really want to get married, think about the cost. Sometimes its better to have loved and lost. Ask Maxx and Vince and China Mike (when he comes back) and Willy as they are the pro's from dover on this stuff.
OR
Write her a letter ending all this nonsense and go around the corner to the local pub and get blitzed - you'll save more money that way. Buy a new truck and get a dog. The dog will love you and the truck won't chew your ass when you want to go fishing. :fi_lone_ranger:
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There are expenses for when you get married...no one will argue that.
However, often the dowry is now symbolic. Many of the Chinese couples I know did have a dowry, but it was returned to the couple after the wedding.
Also, most of the red bags given by the groom to the family and friends of the bride during the wedding and its related traditions are generally small, just part of the tradition and ritual.
You will receive many red bags from the wedding/reception. Generally this covers the cost, though might be a bit more or less.
So yes, getting married to a Chinese/Asian woman will cost you some money. And if you are bringing her to the US, it will take time, money and energy to get her home. But don't think it will be some ungodly sum that only the rich can afford. You can easily spend as much money marrying an American woman and the associated wedding trappings and honeymoon.
Doug
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it's funny about the cost of a wedding...I never spent half as much as anything said, on my first...:@ BUT I have decided that if it's going to cost me an arm and a leg, it should be worth it:angel:
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If anyone is thinking or being worried about the 70,000 dollars someones mentioned here don't, it's a bloody pipe dream. Only the very,very rich Chinese would be able to cover that sort of bill. Even 10,000 dollars would be a rarity....
Ask the guys here that have got married in China, ask them what they had to pay for there wedding and the banquet, i know it won't be anywhere near some of the figures that I've seen banded about on this and other Forums. If your lady is single, keep the Red Envelope to her parents reasonable, especially if your lady is over 30-35. I'm sure her parents would rather see their daughter happy than to ask for silly money to be given to them. No you don't give Red Envelopes to the whole family, you can give them a small token gift if you like, but there's really is no call for it.
None of us are rich, in the true sense of the word, so don't go throwing money around in China, just to impress the family. .....It might just come back and bite you on the bum. Just remember you will need all the money you can, to get your lady back to your country, and then to start a new life together. That money is far better off in your pocket, for your family needs, than to impress or go overboard on a wedding that is just a one day affair.
Most of you have already done this once when you married the first time, remember how much that all cost??? And all for just one days celebration!! We all do these crazy things once, .....but once is enough for any lifetime, ..Right?? ...hahaha!!
David....
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It all depends how your totaling it all up. when it's said the wedding will cost? I take it as the wedding only. The flight, hotel, food you eat, visa and a new laptop you got before the wedding shouldn't be counted. Some even add in all their EMF's and flowers sent? This is fine for figuring what the relationship had cost? but to say the wedding cost this is wrong and gives others the wrong impression of the costs.
Because of the wide range of women's ages and lives it's hard to group them into a price range (only spend this amount). Being some are younger and never married to older women with children. They have in there mind what they want and expenses. Some you have to bring down to reality. Whether your rich or not? it makes no difference your setting yourself up for a rough time. The more you say yes to make her happy the more she will continue with it. If you give her a carte blanche don't complain after. You did it to yourself.
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Rob,
Then spend a darn sight less on the next one then... If you go into your next marriage thinking along those lines stated, you WILL end up spending an arm and a leg!! ...hahaha!!
David....
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If they are younger than mid-30's, you will pay more. If they have never married before you will pay more. If they are an only child you will pay more. If their family is from rural China you will pay more for the dowry. It all varies, but $10,000 USD is not out of line for the cost of the wedding including dowry.
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Remember that a small Chinese wedding is about 80 guests.... but it doesn't have to be expensive. Tell your Lady about the economic situation and I am convinced that she will make the best wedding for the money you can afford to spend.
Talking about the Red Envelope... We didn't accept any Red Envelopes on our wedding because we told our gusts that there was no chance that we could give any Red Envelopes in the future.. The only Red Envelope we couldn't say no to was from our parents.
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Are wedding party in China was 2,500 USD that was for probably 100 people.We did recieve the red Envelopes.My motherinlaw pocketed all the money from the red envelopes.I did recieve all the money back and more on latter trips to China.
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The variations in this is so wide it's incredible. I read in some cases guys pay quite a healthy sum and in my case i got away scott-free. Our wedding in China was only 20 people and although I dont know the true cost, I'd guess it wasnt more than 400 rmb. I'm just guaging this on the ammount of food served. I've never paid a dowry and nobody in her family has ever mentioned even one word of expectations or any mention of money....ever!
I got off the plane with 9000 rmb and it was gone after 2 weeks. I think most will agree, that's damn good money management for being married, the wedding, professional photo shoot, buying gifts, hotel for a week, dinners out and so on. My wife is 40 so it coincides with Nik's thoughts about the younger they are, there might be more expectations.
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Get out Ed. Your wife is not 40. Ok, well you got yourself one pretty 40 year old wife there.