Key to a happy marriage

[Scottish_Rob]

A letter sent to my lady in Zhoucheng.  Hope it will give a small insight into what I think helps for a happy marriage..

Hello Darling Wife

There is a life long question that has to be answered by every loving couple that is on Gods Earth  This is ..'What makes for a Happy and Contented Marriage?  'Well here are my thoughts on this question...

The key to any relationship is Patience and Understanding.

Patience
Be patient with the person you are with, especially in an interracial marriage
There will be things about them that may make you think something is not quite right?

This could be a 'look' they give you. or 'something' they say or 'do'.
What has to be remembered is that both parties have so much to learn about each other.  Not only about the person, but also about their emotions, their ways, their culture, their language.
So being patient WILL HELP you achieve a better understanding of this person

There is a rule of thumb, that I now always follow, when my love say's or does something I'm not too sure about.  this is called the 24 hour rule...I learned this through a certain website that I was on, and has helped me tremendously.

What it means is...For example....If they say something that your not sure about, or something they may say that could enflame te current situation...HOLD OFF.  Take 24 hours to digest what they were trying to say?  Find out what exactly they mean?  Do NOT ANSWER straight away, this could be the wrong thing to do..You may answer the particular question in a way they do not like.  THINK about what they want to know.  they may have worded their sentence wrong, which can happen with the translation of the 2 languages.  So...BE PATIENT

Understanding
To know someone is cool... To understand this person is really cool, but there is a difference.

You may know the person but DO YOU REALY UNDERSTAND THEM?
Understand that, when you marry that special person, you are undertaking a massive step.

Understand the LANGUAGE...read, write, learn...then READ,WRITE, LEARN again...

Understand their CULTURE....read, learn...READ EVERYTHING you can about it, and LEARN about it.  Their culture is NOT the SAME as yours.  There Language is NOT the SAME as yours.  Their THINKING is NOT the SAME as yours.

UNDERSTAND their culture, their mindset.
They will be in a marriage that is unaccustomed to them, different language, differnt cultural changes, different thinking, different food, different habits.  The key to a harmoinious marriage is UNDERSTANDING.

LEARN
To become a happy marriage, everyone involved must LEARN.
Learning the language, learning the culture, learning the habits.  BUT the best way to do this is by SHARING the LEARNING.  Make it FUN, if something is fun, then there is enjoyment within, if it becomes a chore (boring) then NO ONE will enjoy doing it.

Most people learn to love one another MORE because of the amount of 'Fun' that is in their relationship.

Teach the person about the differnt meanings in the words.  Tell them about YOUR Countries history, more often than not they would not know much about it.  If you think about it from your perspective, 'What did YOU really know/learn from school about their culture -NOT A LOT, I would say.  This will  show the person that your Country is a s important to you, as their Country is to them.

Remember, you can take the person out of the Country,  BUT, you will never take the Country out of the person.

Learn about the cooking habits, taste the food!  Learn everything you can about the person, the best way to do this is by ALWAYS asking them, most people like to talk about themselves

Be Sincere and Honest with the one your with.  Never promise them anything unless you mean to keep that promise.  Never do anything that will make the person 'Lose face'.  Value their right to be an independant entity of their own.  Value their friendship, their family their love.  For this will be given back tenfold..

So I hope this may help in your search for a happy, harmonious and contented marriage
Rob

[David5o]

Rob,

This is all fine, so long as it's not the guy doing ALL the understanding and making ALL the compromises. We also have customs and a culture, may not be as old as there's, but it's just as important in many ways as these ladies way of life!!!

Too often here, i see the guy's talking about how we (men) have to bend over backwards to cater to there customs and culture, ...to me that's bullshit!! It's got to be a both ways traffic ... not just the one way...

What your saying here, takes a lifetime to achieve, some, maybe most never really achieves all these aspects in there marriage, but are still as happy as anyone else, ....and probably happier in there marriage than most. Some of us may also be slow learners!!! ...haha!!

Me, ....for argument's sake only know enough spoken Chinese to make myself understood in most situations, but i cant hold a conversation by any stretch of the imagination. Lucy has excellent English, as do most of the rest of her family. I KNOW that i will never learn her language, does that mean Lucy thinks any less of me?? ...No of course not!!  ....I make up for my short comings in others ways....

One of the most important things in any marriage is laughter, and in that department i excel, i can put a smile on her face , no-matter what situation we find ourselves in!! ...hahaha!!!

But i know what your saying Rob, .....Just remember marriage is a 2 way thing, your ladies have to put as much into a marriage as the men...

David.....

[ttwjr32]

well as i very wise man said on this forum earlier

to be successful here you have to blend both cultures in
these relationships for them to be successful. wanting it
to be a oneway street is a formula for disaster. remember
gentlemen these ladies give a lot up to be with you and
you need to be sensitive to their way of life and learn it
and they should also want to learn yours and share BOTH
CULTURES in your marriage.


for you newbies that wise man is named Ted   hahahaha
sorry couldnt resist the wise man remark  hahahaha

[David5o]

Ted,

I know and understand what your saying here. But remember, no-one has forced these ladies to search for a western husband. They know full well, that there future life may well be in a foreign country, and all the aspects they may have to give up or change. No were not there saviours, but we are the future they chose.

I would think that any normal guy would go that extra mile for the woman he has found love with. Most of us here, especially those that are older, do not want a temporary wife/marriage, They want the ''last Wife'' in there life. Effort needs to come from both parties to learn about each other. ...Hell ....that's a really Fun thing for both of you. ....Right??

David......

[ttwjr32]

David,

i agree with that which is why i said to incorporate both
cultures into the relationship. 8 years ago that is what drew
me to China. to see all those centuries of history first hand
and then as i met ladies i was drawn into wanting to find one
as my wife. now i learn something new from my wife everyday
about the chinese culture as she tells me. and yes if your as old
as i am then your are looking for a last stop  hahaha

[Willy The Londoner]

Well Rob,  there are too many big words there for me. But I am concerned!   Who sent this to their wife?  

Is that letter intended for a highly intelligent professional translator who has perfect English better than I.

I am with David  on several points - there are not many men on this forum who will be able to hold a good conversation with an average Chinese person within the next tree years!!!!   I am sure that I will not for a start and I live here and listen to it all and every day.

Make then laugh and see them smile that is worth a thousand words.

A women once told me that 'one kiss after sex was better than a hundred before"

Paitience and understanding is for all relationships not just interracial.

Not sure the Chinese women will ever understand the 24 hour rule.  They will interpret this 'I have to wait 24 hours before you will agree that I am right?

But I really like the bit that says - Never promise them anything unless you mean to keep that promise. of there will always be men who have had a relationship with a women and never adhered to that once they get back to their own countries.

What is my guide to a happy marriage? - I have no idea, at the age of 60, this is my venture into being married.  But I have had a hell of a lot of experience with women and hope that what I have learned over the years will stand me in good stead for this remainng quarter of my life.

Willy

[chen yan]

Thank you Rob for explaining the 24 hours rule that I donn't know the defination before.
It seems when people grow older they are more prefer to find the last stop. That's why women donn't like young men.:icon_cool:

[Scottish_Rob]

David. yes mate your right, sorry I should have explained. ht this letter goes both ways, learning etc.

Kathy asked me to write my thoughts on what woud I thought makes a good marriage.  She has started a Blog about us.  http://blog.sina.com.cn/lovableboyandnaivegirl,.

Last night Kathy told me "I hate you 24 Rule"... Because of something she said to me the night previous, so I had adhered to it.  You are right they probably do not understand it, and YES, that is exactly right hehe

Your welcome Chen Yan.  hehe you re right, that is the reason the older man is prefared more...

[brett]

As David says, adjusting to culture has to be a two way thing - our ladies must be prepared to learn about our culture. I don't mean about learning English or watching our movies. I mean knowing things like if you don't love a man any more then you should probably tell him rather than stringing him along. I mean being truthful even if it causes someone to lose face.

TRUST is everything in a relationship, especially a long distance one. It is up to the lady to help build trust.

If a Chinese lady wants to marry a Western man, she MUST be truthful. She MUST be above suspicion. She must be aware that so many of her sisters are trying to scam us. So when we confront her with things were are not sure about, she must be prepared to offer us up evidence that she is being honest with us.

I've done a lot of reading lately. A lot of reading. I found a guy on another board saying that he read exhaustively. But when he met his Chinese lady it was all a waste of time - she was completely unlike other ladies he'd read about. I guess different lady, different rules :icon_cool:.

[Willy The Londoner]

Thank you Rob for explaining the 24 hours rule that I donn't know the defination before.
It seems when people grow older they are more prefer to find the last stop. That's why women donn't like young men.:icon_cool:

Thats your answer why you are so successful with women Rob.  They do not like the young men!

Willy

[ttwjr32]

once again i will RE-ITERATE what i have been saying for years about a
chinese lady and western man. IT IS A TWO WAY STREET sometimes i read
things were people are concerned about her not doing enough and we must
remember that we also have to do things also to make it sucessful. as far as
trust that is something that is earned in a relationship thru good communication
and a commitment to the relationship. Brett thinking that many of her sisters are
trying to scam us will not lead you into a successful relationship because you are
or will be thinking this in the back of your mind.

this is not for the faint of heart people, this takes a lot of time and a very dedicated
commitment to make it right by both parties. each of these ladies are unique in their
own way but commited to the chinese culture and i think are very open to make the
changes needed for the relationship. but by god we have to let them also have their
culture also. dont assume nor request they become total citizens of the country they
move to. that is a recipe for disaster.