How We Do Things In China!

[Paul Todd]

It’s time to get some clarification on an oft-heard phrase: “It’s how we do things in China”.

Ever heard that phrase? Chances are you hear it every day if you are (a) married to a Chinese person (b) have close Chinese friends (c) work with a number of Chinese people or (d) have ever come into contact with a Chinese person, ever. This strange, metamorphic phrase is perfectly and wholly representative of Chinese society and the way they act around foreigners. It can be used any time, any where and is often sprung upon you without prior warning at the most inconvenient of moments. “How we do things” is the perfect catch-all explanation for absurd requests, strange occurances and downright unreasonable demands. For the uninitiated, here is an example:

Party A, a male Running Dog Foreigner, marries Party B, a typical Shanghainese girl who is both beautiful and intelligent, and naturally much better than Party A deserves.
Prior to marriage, Party B demands that Party A hand over all documents and paraphenalia relating to his finances and continued monetary security i.e. bank cards, credit cards and salary card given by Party A’s employer. When questioned about what will happen if he requires an emergency withdrawal in the absence of Party B, Party B simply shrugs her shoulders and offers the explanation This Is How We Do Things In China” and that Party A should be very careful with his 10 RMB a week allowance from his 20000 RMB a month salary.

Further into his marriage with Shanghainese girl Party B, Party A is allowed out on his monthly night-out (9pm curfew) with previously-vetted-by-Party B, Party C, who is married to Party D, another Shanghainese girl. During this monthly-permitted release, Party A is brave enough to complain to Party C about having only 50 RMB in his pocket to pay for both his drinks and his 35 RMB taxi fare home. He questions Party C as to why Party C always has at least 63 RMB in his wallet, and wants to know if Party D has won the lottery or if Party C has secretly kept money away from Party D at great personal risk. The response is found to be confusing, as Party C replies: “Both Party D and I have our own money, we keep our bank accounts separate.” Party A questions whether or not Party D has received a blow to the head, as this is “not how we do things in China”. Party C responds with the assertion that he has never been made aware of any such rule, and will bring it up at the next meeting of the ruling council when he speaks to Party D.

A month goes by, and both Party A and Party C are out again, though this time Party C has considerbly less in his wallet. He complains to Party A that after extended discussion with Party D that their previous arrangement was wrong and not in keeping with “how we do things in China”. Party C gives genuine thanks to Party A for notifying him of their cultural mis-step, and hopes that sometime in the near future, Party A can be persuaded to fall down a well and drown.

Now, this is going on anywhere and everywhere in China where foreigners and native Chinese meet. The rule is not “How we do things in China” but “How I’m going to excuse getting what I want”. And like I said, where and when this happens is arbitrary. However, for warned is not for armed as there’s a little thing called “face” that has to be upheld as well. In its simplest terms, the concept of “face” is the right to say that they sky is a purplish-green colour and not be called an asshole for saying it. Calling someone on their ridiculous idiocy is a big no-no, and I’m going to coin the term “de-facing” them for ease of use. If you publicly de-face someone, you can expect that your business relationship, friendship or sexy times will be well and truly over fast than you can say “Better City, Better Bulldoze Those Buildings Before The Bigwigs Get Here”.

Perhaps this is an oversimplification of a complicated idea, but the point is, if someone says “This is a good deal” and you tell them that paying 5000RMB per pair of locally-manufactured trainers is in no way, shape or form a “good deal” then you have effectively de-faced them in front of a lot of people, who may well share your opinion. Culturally speaking, it’s better to play out a lie than call someone else a liar. This is why when Parties A, B,C and D get together, Party D is never going to call out Party B’s definition of “how we do things”, and not simply because she likes the idea of having all the money at her disposal, but because to do so would make Party B look stupid. The key factor in all this, however, is that face does not in any way apply to filthy running dog foreigners. So if you are with a group of Chinese businessmen and you attempt to assert that you just saw Jackie Chan flying on a duck-billed platypus, they’re going to laugh at you. Of course, if they say the same thing, you had better pretend you saw it too.

Here’s another example for your viewing pleasure......

Running Dog Foreigner Party A is off out with a group of Chinese friends who include Party E. Party A begins telling the story of how Party A is planning to lay out his new office and bedroom at home, being quite excited by the prospect of home-design, Party A is more-than-usually garrulous on the subject of what he wants.
Party E, being a recognised authority on everything with the exception of when is a good time to keep his mouth closed, asserts to Party A that he should consult a Chinese Feng Shui manual before making any large plans. Party A has no desired to paint the south-facing wall of his house green or to build a small river in front of the main entrance, but Party A wisely keeps his own counsel on this, choosing to nod and smile instead of de-facing his friend in front of all these people.
Subsequently, Party A informs Party E that he is planning to have candelabra-style lighting in the bedroom, because it will give the room a much warmer glow than a single central-fitting. Shocked, Party E announces loudly “That’s not how we do things in China” and is keen to immediately point out that he personally feels that faux-candelabra uplighters will not only make the room feel colder, but that such fixtures are impossible to find in China. Party A decides against slamming the B&Q catalogue he got yesterday from their store in Gubei and telling his friend to “get it up ye” while pointing out the availability of said fixtures, as he knows this will cause his friend to lose face. He smiles and nods, making noises of vague agreement.

During the course of the meal, Party A mentions that his stomach is getting a little uncomfortable and that he should take his prescription medication soon. Party E upon hearing this laughs loudly at Party A, telling him that Western medicine doesn’t work and that he should see a Chinese doctor about getting some tree-bark and dried frogs to help him. Finally having enough of this, Party A let’s rip with the fact that he has taken traditional Chinese medicine before and it only made the problem worse. Not to be de-faced by this, Party E asks how long Party A took the medicine for? At the reply of “6 months” Party E gets a sad look on his face and says, “my friend you should have taken it for at least seven months to see any results”. Smile. Nod.

And that, my Devious Imperialist Swine friends, is all you really need to know. “Face” simply means saying what you want. And “How We Do Things In China” always means doing what you want.

Provided that you are Chinese, of course.

[David E]

Paul.........let me see if I have got the right interpretation of your massive missive.....

1) When in China...never tell the truth, somebody might lose face

2) When in China, always agree with every statement of sheer rubbish, because somebody might lose face

3) When in China, be happy that your wife is Absolute Dictator of your finances and accept this like a spineless child.

4) When in China, if you are a running dog lao wei, you are never right

5) When in China, if you are a running dog lao wei, you have never got any face to lose anyway.

6) When in China, if you are a running dog lao wei, and make any minor cultural mis-step, you will lose friends, business contacts...and your wife's sexual favours...for ever.

7) When in China, it is more acceptable to die waiting for Chinese medicine to work, than to get cured by western "devil" drugs

..........................Thank Heaven I am in Australia !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[David E]

Paul....your post got me to thinking...........

I, and all the "Lao wei's" thank you for your profound insights on the tricks and traps of Chinese culcha !!! For those Bros contemplating living in China, they are compelling reading.

However, there is another side to this coin, and in a spirit of fair play, I think we should offer some similar insights to those of our Chinese friends/wives/fiances etc who are conremplating moving to a foreign Country, where things may be a little different.

After all, I suspect that most women in China will actually move to be with their Lao Gong in his native land.

I cannot claim any expertise for other societies than Aussie, but I would guess there are some similarities.

So....for all our dear Chinese friends, here are a few pointers as to how to survive in a Western Society, and some of the differences you will experience along the way as you desperately try to integrate in this new nighmare world you have chosen !!!

1) Nobody has any face.....if you want the natives to preserve your artificial dignity...then behave dignified. You can only vomit on the pot-plant, not the patio.

2) If you are thin-skinned and sensitive...take 3 asprin or a couple of cold beers...it soon goes away.

3) in a mixed gathering, wives and girlfriends must move away from the Men, who want to talk about beer, footy, sex and motor cars....women dont figure in this cultural exchange between   
    blokes

4) the exception being if you are a hottie with big boobs, then you can join the men so they can try to look down the front of your dress.

5) If you are said hottie, once you tell the men that you are gay...you can move back to the women section.

6) If you talk rubbish at a social gathering, several things will happen.........everybody will fall about laughing and point their fingers at you. Your barbecued sausage will be inedible and you
    will get the worst bit of overcooked, grisly steak. People will look at you with condescending humour and contempt all night.

7) Money is blokes territory.......a good bloke will give you enough for the groceries and maybe a bit left over for a dress every 6 months or so...a bad bloke will give you a bit more and
    expect you to buy his beer with it. Blokes always have need of lots of money for absolute essentials...beer, footy tickets, new cars...women dont need money, except for buying stuff to
    cook with.

If you get sick, see 2 above, a beer and 2 asprin cures all diseases known to man within 1 hour . Bring any tree bark or ground frogs into the home and they will end up as compost in the
    plant pot.


Dear Chinese freinds, it is best I leave it here so you can begin to understand how things are. When you have got your head round this bit...I will tell you some more

 

[Paul Todd]

David I love the Oz rules but I'm afraid I can't take credit for the massive missive. I came across it and thought it was quite amusing so posted it up here As a running dog Laowai myself  I can see the stereotypes it's poking fun at.