How Chinese girls think (battling with a breakup and really need advice)

[pr1969]

Hi All,

I was a member of Chinalove many years ago and some of you may still remember me.

Long story short, I have been living and working in China (Jinan, Shandong) for 6 years now, and just came out of a 10 month relationship with a lovely Chinese girl (from Inner Mongolia and who I did not meet through Chinalove).

In my mind, we were really happy most of the time. Now, it turns out she had been upset about many things, many times, but never said anything to me, letting everything build to a crescendo until she just said 'I'm sorry, let's break up' a month ago. Her English is pretty good and my Chinese is terrible, so I feel she had the English necessary to communicate all she ever wanted to, to me.

I have now spoken to 4 of my Chinese friends about this, 3 female and one male, all in their early 20's (I am 47 and my ex is 21, so - although she always said the age gap was meaningless to her, we were from different worlds and generations which, of course, could be a big part of the problem).

All 4 of my Chinese friends say that, in Chinese girl's minds, their bf needs to know what they are thinking and feeling, at all times, and they don't feel the need to communicate this with him. In addition, if they do something wrong, they cannot be blamed and the man is in fact responsible and should apologise!

I was speechless, saddened and dumbfounded when I heard this, as it is the exact opposite of western culture, where communication in relationships is key (if your gf is upset with you about something, she will usually tell you right away so you can try resolve things). We are not mind readers.

Many of my students, most of them Chinese girls, keep silent in English class. I am now thinking, has this pervaded their whole culture, where Chinese are too afraid (or some other reason) to ever say what they really think or feel, resulting in breakups due to a total lack of communication, as in my case?

Maybe it is only the younger Chinese who behave this way, I have no idea, but it really distresses me. My gf actually broke up with me because she came to my apartment (knowing I was at work at the time and having told me she would be at work then too), feeling very ill and needing my care, and blaming me for not being there to take care of her. She said it was the last straw that broke the camel's back, but never told me all the other things she had been upset about for so many months, without ever saying a word.

Any help or comments from fellow members on this site, Chinese too, of course, would be most appreciated. Many thanks to you all in advance and a happy and peaceful New Year to you all. Best, Peter.

[Martin]

I can't really offer anything to what you wrote, other than to say that I am very sorry to read this. In my opinion, this girl had very high and unrealistic expectations of you...or for anyone else. How you could know that she is sick if she doesn't tell you is a strange thing.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.

[pr1969]

Many thanks Martin, much appreciated.

[Willy The Londoner]

I am not convinced that lack of communication was the cause of the break up.  My experience is that Chinese Ladies are inclined to tell you something other than the true reason to save conflicts or not to hurt a man's feelings.

I think that your girlfriend has likely been put under pressure from either family members or close friends in this matter.

She is coming up to the marrying age and at that young age she is probably more aware of the age gap between you than she is saying. Lets face it, you are probably older than both her parents!  There are probably other things in the relationship that have come to light in the past 10 months that are likely to have brought the age gap home to her. 

Ok so the gap between me and my wife is probably much the same as yours was.  The difference being is that my wife was in her late 40's when we met and had three grown up kids.   She had experienced a bad marriage the first time round so she was not in the first flows of youth thinking ahead to a future family.

We had communications problems for the first couple of years but we overcome them so that has never been a problem. We knew that the future would bring us some time together and we have been happy with that. 

I think that if we had both been younger then problems would have certainly raised their heads.

Its ok at 47 thinking that you are fit and healthy but what about in 20 years time?   You will be into old age whilst she would have been in the prime of her life! 

But there again no where in your posting do you mention marriage!  Was marriage planned or spoken of or not?  in Chinese terms getting close to a year together without marriage plans could well be the answer.

Willy

[pr1969]

Many thanks for your very insightful and valid comments Willy and hope you and yours are happy and well in China - we met a few years ago in Guangzhou. Yes, what you say makes perfect sense,as I am not in a position to marry anyone right now, so that must have played a huge part in her decision, although she did not say it. Many thanks again.