My lady has me puzzled!

[zook144]

Well guys, I have ran into something I do not quite understand, so I thought I would ask for your thoughts.   You may recall I posted about the lady I am talking to was upset because her ex husband would not agree for their daughter to come to US. Also her mother was very ill, and she had to take care of her for now. So she could not spend a whole week in November with me as we had planned. Normally I would think "ok, fine, she just doesn't want me to come." But I saw her face and her tears as she was talking about her mother, so I really think that was on the up and up. At that time she tells me she does not want to cause me delay in finding a Chinese wife. So I should talk to others.
Well, I did that. But she was always on my mind and I just could not get interested in other ladies that wrote to me. Also, I kept thinking what kind of person am I if I give up on her just because her mother is ill. So anyway we still kept in touch. (I know this is long, but I'm getting to it) She would call, we still chat on QQ. Now here's the puzzle I cannot figure out. Last night she was helping me with my Chinese Lesson (that is an experience online, hard enough with the instructor in the same room) so I asked if I could visit Chinese New Year. She says air tickets and hotels are very expensive at that time. And yeah, I figured that. I asked when can I visit..She says March.  Then she says again she wants me to talk with other ladies. She wants me to be happy. After scratching my head a bit, I ask if this means she doesn't want to talk anymore.  She says no, we continue to chat. I say, does this mean you have decided there is no way for us to ever marry.  She says no, she never said that. Again she tells me, "I want you to be happy" You should find the best lady for your future. " I tell her I like her and want to meet to see if there is a future for us. She smiles at that, but again, you should still talk to others. She heard me sigh, and asks "Why you sigh"   I told her my head was going round and round trying to figure out why she kept telling me to talk to other ladies.  She just smiled but still talked about finding the right one.
Soooo....I have never had any lady tell me this (in any country) unless she wanted me to quit talking with her.  But she still wants to talk, says she wants to meet sometime, and marriage is not out if we click.
So what should I think about this? We have been talking for several months. No EMF's, always on phone or QQ. or an occasional email.  
Give me some thoughts, guys.  You married guys, ask your wives, what does this mean?
Don

[Vince G]

Don it sounds like you don't want to look for another, so why don't you tell her that? I don't know what she has in mind?

My lady said something like this to me a while ago. I'm not going to go into the whole thing but she said if we don't feel it's right she'll introduce me to some other women? I said NO! NO!  Then she said she just wants me to be happy. This was on the phone. I told her why I didn't want to meet or know any other.

The next EMF I asked if she just wanted to hear my answer? She said she would have me meet others if I wanted to but she was very glad I didn't.

Maybe your lady is thinking it will be to long a time before things happen between you two? She put it in your hands. So do what you feel you must. Wait it out? or start a new search?

[Willy The Londoner]

Maybe I am seeing this a bit different to the others.  

Her ex-husband will not give consent for her daughter to go to the US.   That is likely to be the crux of the problem.  She has now realised that she cannot leave China without her daughter and maybe she is stalling and is hoping that 1) her ex will change his mind - which may be unlikely - 2) you will decide to move to China to be with her or 3) she does not want you to spend money on what she considers could be a failed relationship.  

I do not know how old the daughter is but it may be a long time before she has finished her education and your lady can leave China without any fears.

The fact that she asked you to talk to other ladies is probably not an indication that she wants to get rid of you - probably the opposite.  She is now giving you an option on a way out so that neither of you lose face.  She is probably trying to work out how long she has before that final, final decison on the your joint futures have to be made.

My own opinion is that you have to face up to either starting a new search or to spend time and money and hope that the relationship bears fruit.  

I am told that when relationships start of with difficulties it brings two people closer!!  I am not sure about that.  All I will say is that if you spend that time and money then be prepared for the consequences.


I agree with Mike- book the flight and tell her your coming.   But have a back up plan ready because it is likely that she does not wantg to leave China for a few years.   I was told by a lady here only last week that she does not want to leave China for another 8 years.  And she wants  to marry but the man is to keep visiting her in that time!!!!

If you have already met her then you will already know which way to go.  If you have not met then as she said there are many other ladies just waiting.

If she wants to keep talking then do not read too much into this - everytime a relationship was ended or we decided to go no further it was always suggested by the lady that we stay friends and keep in touch.

I do not envy you guys who have these long waits.  I am only back in UK for a little over a week and after just one day here just want to be back in China with my new love.

Willy

[MLM]

Don,
My wife Zhou has said that some, not many Women in China are used to the man having more then one girl friend, they don't like it but that is the way, she maybe is try to see if you would rather be with someone else, or she may not want for you to wait a long time to meet someone since she can not meet you sooner then March, Zhou says, " get off bum and go see her even if she not have a lot of time for you, do not be a lazy American men ", so I would say that maybe you should tell your Lady that you want to see her and meet her and until you do you don't want to talk with any other ladies, then go and see her, find out if the two of you click.
Zhou & Mike

[David E]

Zhou says, " get off bum and go see her even if she not have a lot of time for you, do not be a lazy American men ",

MLM

I think it would be a great idea if Zhou and the other wives answered ALL the posts here.....pretty damm good advice and given by an expert.

After all, your Chinese wives give advice from the right perspective.......

Could interefere with your marriages though...very time consuming :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

DavidE

[RobertBfrom aust]

Mike , beautifully stated by Zhou , and yes David E maybe they could straighten a few out , answers that is , regards Robert .

[MLM]

Guys, like my Zhou I have seen that the other wives don't talk much here, although Zhou does more then most I believe because she is here in the States, but they don't say to much here unless they want to say something short or if something bothers them, its a shame they don't talk more here, they could as was said clear up a lot of misinformation or misunderstood feelings.
Guys you will also notice that the ladies will not want to talk on the phone with someone they have not met face to face, I am not talking about our ladies to us ( Well some of them ) but, to our friends, my wife didnot want to talk to my sisters on the phone until she met them in person, I think this is a Chinese woman thing ( as best I can get from Zhou ).
Any way that is the reason why I think our ladies will not post here to much. JMHO. :icon_cheesygrin:

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Don, I have to agree with the other guys here.  It seems that she has some issues but at the same time sounds like she doesnt want to lose you.  If it were me I would book a flight for whenever, you can not wait for March and then go and see where you both stand face to face.
If you wait till march she might disappear and you lose.  If you go sooner then you show that you want this to continue and you are taking the lead in making it happen.  You may not get her full time if she still works or is caring for Mom but at least you can meet face to face find out whats real and go from there.

Or do as she says, say goodbye and move on to someone else.  Personally if you feel there is something worth saving and holding on to then get over there and do it.  Once she sees the committment and concern for the relationship she will either stay with it (you) or you will both know where to go from there.

Either way in this case I would definitely say a face to fcae is whats needed now not in March.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[zook144]

Thanks all.
I haven't been able to get on here since I posted this last night. But I have just read all your replies.
I had mostly decided to not talk with anyone else. I'm not really interested in doing that until I find
out whats what with Xiao Yu. I had not really thought about going ahead with the visit in November.
And if I don't go then, it will have to be after the first of the year. So, I still have that vacation week, (about
11 days actually) in November, so I just may go ahead and go. I may be sitting in Shenzhen all by my
lonesome for the most part. But hopefully, it will work out. I know of one agency there. I assume there
would be 1 or 2 more. So thats about all the backup plan I have. I just sent her an email telling her of my intent.
I will talk with her on webcam about it, but it takes so long to translate and get it right, I thought I would do the email
 where I can get the translation I want. She does basic English words, but getting into a whole conversation needs a little help
from a translation source. By the way, she said they were in a typhoon last time I talked with her. Maybe that
is why the internet connection was all screwed up.
Anyway, wish me luck.
And thanks again.
Don

[David]

I think she wants you to tell her that you are not interested in talking to other ladies but are only interested in her.  She is probably wishing you would tell her this but is hinting at it in a very round about way!:heart:

Big Dave

[David E]

Don

Its all twisted and tortuous Chinese logic !!!!!

She cant just come out and say..."what are your intentions about me"...its not the Chinese way !!!

So, in their delightful style, she has to put the question in such a way that you and she are not embarrassed by the answer, one way or another !!

But I would be sure that she wants you to have the say on the question....so tell her what your intentions are :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

DavidE

[Scottish_Rob]

I agree with DavidE:icon_biggrin: