How to win over stbborn parents?

[Axiom]

It has been a long uphill battle to win over the heart of my traditional chnese lady. But I have finally done it... and while I am still looking for work in China preferably tech work (wonderful advice  have gotten from *THIS* website I might add!) There is a new hurdle, while she has mentined me to her parents in the past... TingTing told me today when she went home for Spring Festival... she mentioned me again... this time however her parents think 'it is unrealistic' for us to be together...

I have seen topics on this site before dealing with this, but I dont rcall if they were successful or not. Please please PLEASE if any one has any idea how to win over traditional Chinese parents.. I'd love to know. As I statd earlier, I can't give upon my Tingers. I love her to much!

[Arnold]

Axion , we have mentioned this before here about this very subject . Best of course is when you have your Lady's strong will behind you .. to want to be together .
When meeting ( whenever this happens ) the Parent's , ask your Ting what her Father likes best as a Gift to soften him up . Your Lady needs to work on the Mom . Also important going after the FAther's approval is .. that you are prepared when the meeting happens to be questioned a lot about .. your Character , Finacial Status and do you have a House ( which is very important to them ) and the means of surporting your Lady in the Future . You need to be a Gentleman and Confident that you take good care of his Daughter and that MUST show .
So first getting a date to meet is in line and at a Great Restaurant your Ting knows will help greatly . They do .. do their best talking over Food and Drink , which is another way to come close to the Father ( if he Drinks ) . Hope this helps you some and good luck of course .

[mustfocus]

Axiom,

I quickly looked over your posts and unfortunately I don't see many details to help you with (like where in China she is or if you've been to China to visit her)..  Best thing to do is to show Ting's parents that you're serious and that you can provide for their daughter.  For example, the gifts I gave to my lady on this trip.  They all had meaning for the two of us.  Sure there was a bit of a fumble or two, but it is the thoughtfulness that counts. 

[Axiom]

Thanks Arnold, I will try bringing these up to her tonigt whe I talk to her and see if there is a way we can work this out.

Mustfocus, She lives in Hefei.. and I havent been to visit her... the reason this came up was because I finally got a passport and airfaire money to come for a visit. But she is so tradiational, she thought sh should tell her folks about my coming to visit (which I understand that is thenature of the culture.. so I am not like GRRRR!! She told her parents! Personallity I admire her for such devotion and integrity) and thatis when they mentoned it would be unrealistic. I have sent her afew gifts and flowers as well...  Arnold mentioned I should get something for her dad... should I get flowers fo her mom as well.. or is that too much?

[Arnold]

Flower's for the Mom ? Of course ! I did this through Chnlove and I had both won over before I ever saw them or stepped a Foot on China's Soil . You must work on them while waiting to go .. a big plus .

Oh foregot .. if your Lady was never Married .. then it will complicate things more with the Parent's for you . Sorry but True .

[mustfocus]

Axiom,

My recommendation is do a bit of study of the area.  Central China has a lot of good stuff there.  Gifts (especially presented in person) is always a good idea.  Flowers for mom is good... vitamins are good too...as are beauty creams.  Alcohol or cigarettes are good for dad (I wouldn't give cigarettes, but that's personal opinion).  Depending on how much Ting has told her parents, definitely bring meaningful gifts that might link to her and your conversations.

Basically stuff that shows your commitment to her.

[Axiom]

Nah, that is okay... I appriciate your honesty. I know my Tinger loves me greatly, we talk every day. There has to be a way to soften her parents hearts though... and She was never married, so I know we have our work cut out for us. As I said, I will talk to he tonight and I will send her and her mom some flowers and see if there is something her dad ikes that I can get for him for a 'Spring Festival' present 

Thanks again! *keeps fingers crossed*

Okay mustfocus, I would love to give this stuff in person... I have been hunting for jobs in China like a crazy person. When I find a job there (which I am certain will happen, I just need a little luck), I will gladly shower them with gifts... but I think I need to get flowers for mom asap and see what I can get for dad BEFORE the spring fest... more gifts cannot hurt

[Scottish_Rob]

Axiom

I have encountered this problem of stubborn parents.

The main thing is 'TRYING' TO GET THEN WITH A 'face to face' meeting.  Fortunetly for me, Sophie 'MANAGED' to get this done for me/us.

What I done and it probably is not the same type of thing, in that her mother was more concerned about 'my height'.  BUT, I spoke with her MOTHER about us, asking Sophie to TRANSLATE...EVERYTHING I SAID, (word for word).

I explained all about me, my children, my life before meeting Sophie.  (Making sure I called Sophie by her 'proper name), also explained to the mother what I truly felt about her daughter, and the hopes and dreams that I hoped to carry out, as a husband to her daughter, and of course Sophies hopes and dreams concerning us.

More inportantly...I LOOKED the mother straight in the eyes, and explained my financial position etc.

The 'CLICHER' so to speak was, that I said to her...

"I am also a parent, and I love my children very much.  I WOULD do anything in my power to protect them.  Like you, if I was in the same position, I WOULD FEEL THE WAY YOU DO.  Online dating is not the usual way of finding a husband or wife, but in this day and age - it is...Times change and as parents we must also change with the times".

I then told Sophie to tell her mother "If she wanted to ask me any question, I would answer truthfully, and she would know if I was telling the truth, all she had to do was look into my eyes, and she would know"

This must have worked for me, because she then agreed to let us marry...Unfortunetly, it did not work out at the time, well you probably know the story.  Anyway, hope this helps in some small way...

Rob

[David E]

Axiom

I dont think her Parents are being "stubborn". Their reaction is fairly normal when confronted with such a situation for their daughter..."Mom and Dad, I have been corresponding with a Lao wei
and he is a very good Man and we want to be together, what do you think about it ??"

Their first reaction is very likely to be one of uncertainty and concern. I am a Parent, and if my daughter came home and told me she was planning a relationship with a Foreign Man and planned to move to a Foreign Country, I would ask some difficult questions and I would be a bit stubborn myself, until I had met the guy and saw if he was the real deal.

All is talk, talk until you finally get over there to meet both her and them. I am positive that they will change their attitude when they meet you and can see for themselves that you are a decent and sincere person...if you are not, then they will fight you all the way !!!

You can send as many gifts as you like beforehand, they will be appreciated, but your main chance to win them over is to go there, get to know them, let them get to know you...and all will be well.

[maxx]

I tend to agree with what has ben posted here.everybody seems to be on the right track.The only thing I would add is the face to face meeting.Will probably seal the deal

[halfpint]

Axiom

When I met my 1st wife we were young.  Her parents were traditional, they did not approve of me.  The father actually came at me with a knife in his hand the 1st time I met him, it was not a good "meet and greet".  They didn't like me until I graduated university.  At that point, they concluded I would be able to provide their daughter with a good home, they saw it as security for their daughter.  I guess what I am saying, is they are concerned for their daughters well being more than anything else.  Gifts are nice, but I think what you really need to do is show them you can provide a good home for their daughter.  Once they understand that, they will start to like you.

The lady I have now met in Shanghai, I havent met her parents.  She has told them all about me.  She has shown them pictures of my house and my family.  The mom seems to be comfortable with me, she said my house has a lot of "exits", so it must be good.  I think she was looking at the doors.  I think her mom is comfortable because she see's the stability I have, she sees I have a pretty good life. 

I really don't think its a cultural thing.  All parents are concerned for their kids future.  Show them you and your girl will have a good future and they will be happy with you.

Alan

[Axiom]

Man, the number of typos I made in this thread is almost painful.

As always, this site is the best resource around for guys who have fallen in love with a Chinese woman. Thanks for the insight everyone.

[Neil]

I met my girlfriend's parents on qq video last night.  Mama waved and smiled and laughed.  Then Baba sat down and waved.  We chatted briefly, then her son came in and screamed until Baba picked him up and coaxed him into calling me Baba.  They all got a good laugh out of that.