Willy
Thanks for being there for me last night. It was good to have someone to talk to. I am very sorry I wasn't much company. I wasn't thinking straight at all. I was however very fortunate to have you and my daughter with me at this time.
One and All
Just an update to let you know how it all ended up.
My good woman received my EMF mail on Monday night, in which I talked about what I hoped from the relationship. We agreed to possibly catch up at 6pm on Tuesday night. I rang her at 7pm and then she said she was still not able to see me. She said she would ring me later in the night. Then at 9pm she called, while I was drinking with Willy. At about 10pm she called me on the telephone. She had been waiting in the hotel foyer for 40 minutes. So I rushed down to see her. So I came down and saw her. God what a vision of loveliness. She was dressed beautifully, she had done her make-up and her hair was all glossy and wonderful. Even at that moment I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I got in the car. We talked for a little. Then I said I suppose we really need to talk about us. She then told me that she was not able to continue with the relationship. The two main reasons were that her son did not wish to travel to another country and that it was difficult for us to communicate. I said that I really appreciated her telling me this and that I wished to thank her for the wonderful time I had had with her over the past year, and on this holiday in particular. So it was over in a few minutes.
There was one more thing, which made me laugh. She said that while she was not able to continue with the relationship, she said that there are many Chinese women who are interested in marrying a foreign man and she wished to introduce me to some of them. It was funny because I imagine that for her, by making this offer she was showing some consideration for me. For me, however, it was the last thing on my mind. This reminded me of Ronan's experience. I thanked her for this kind offer, and told her I was not able to accept her offer at this time.
In some ways it is a good thing that it is over.
She is a successful doctor here and I don't think I ever had a satisfactory solution for the problem of what she would do when she moved over here - I have discussed this with Aussie David in another post. I don't think I ever had a solution for what was to become of her son - I don't think the father was going to agree to his son leaving the country and it is a terribly hard thing for a mother to leave their only child. It was always hard for us to speak - it was going to be years until we could have a proper conversation in either English or Chinese.
I always told her that I would prefer that we didn't proceed with the relationship if she thought it was going to end up unhappily for her. It is possible to persuade and trick people into agreeing to things they really don't wish to do, like a dishonest second hand car salesman, for example. I am glad she decided that it wasn't the right thing for her, and that I did not attempt to change her mind.
Here are a few lessons from my experience which I will write down for whoever might benefit from such advice.
1. If a relationship is not giving you want at the beginning (whatever the reasons are) . . . if it's not making you really happy, then it's better to end it early. It's kinder on yourself and your woman to end relationships that don't look promising as soon as possible. Don't throw good money (as a metaphor for your love, time and money too) after bad.
2. The more your woman is attached to her life in China (ie in terms of career, assets, friends, children, etc) the less likely she is going to want to throw them up for the uncertain prospects of a marriage with a foreigner.
3. Most of your romantic relationships are going to fail, but you don't know which one will finally succeed, so you need to treat each one like it's going to succeed.
All things together I consider this relationship a success rather than a failure. It was one of the things that kept me going in the dark days after my wife passed away. I learned a lot about myself. I acted, for the most part, in a decent and considerate way. It nearly happened and so I was lucky to be part of it all.
Today I am choked with sadness, but this will pass.
Thanks again for the support of my friends here.
