How to make a long distance relationship work

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

JimB  I totally understand what you are saying I really do.  However as I said previously I can live without Canada for 3 years far easier than I can live without Zhen for 3 minutes.  This time being apart since I returned to Canada has been the most painful and trying of my life.  I have never felt for another human being what I feel for Zhen.  I cannot bear to be apart from her at all , the only reason I bear it now is because I know it will be the last time we are parted.

True its been a short whirlwind romance and engagement, but nothing in my life has felt so right.  I could stop breathing easier than I could give Zhen up.  There is no power on earth capable of tearing me away from her and she feels the same.  

I have always had the ability to make tough decisions like this and not be burdened by doubts or fears.  I know the woman I was born to spend the rest of my life with waits for me in China.  Her name is LiZhen.  I have absolute unshakeable faith in this.  The way we fell so hard and so fast when we started writing, through all our letters sometimes two per day but always at least one a day, through the most marvelous two weeks in China when I went to her, to the decision less than a week after I returned that I could not be parted from her from now until February, to the determination to go and live with her now, every step and every thought has been as clear as can be and feels utterly right!!

I have absolutley no fear that this will not work.  I have absolutely no doubt that she feels the same as I do.  She has said many times that when I come over to teach on the 26th of Oct. she will come to wherever I am to be with me.  Even if I do not have a position before I leave I am not worried.  I have enough money set aside that if spent wisely there I can live for 2-3 years if needed, and that is long enough to marry her and return to Canada.  So I could in essence retire there for 3 years, return to Canada and return to work here and still be fine.

Since I have this luxury I know I do not have to worry about things.  The only worry  is can I stay in country that long.  For me the money is of far less importance that my love for Zhen and Zhen herself.  Everything in my life is now secondary to being with Zhen.  Yes sometimes it scares me the depth of our committment to each other, but as I have said previously we are destined to be together, and we all kow you dont mess with destiny.

So I thank you all for your concern for me and perhaps it appears that I am being unthinking and impulsive.  Rest assured I could not possibly think about this anymore than I do but there is not even the tiniest of shadows of doubt anywhere.

Zhen and I will be married as soon as my divorce is complete and I can get my certificate of single.  We will then live the rest of our lives together, in China first then Canada, and or wherever we feel the urge to be.  Who knows we may come to Canada sooner or even later but we will always be together, and that is all I ask.  To spend the rest of my life with the woman I love and who loves me in return.

I have finally found every mans dream, and I will never let her go.

Regards my brothers and I hope you all find the happiness that Zhen and I have found

Zhen and Brian

[Rhonald]

The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'

The real way is through hard work, humour and determination

:angel:

And here I thought it was by narrowing the distance :s

[Brian Mc]

The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'

The real way is through hard work, humour and determination

:angel:

And here I thought it was by narrowing the distance :s

Greetings Brothers,

Well guys I will let you know soon enough.  I will combine both approaches, narrow the distance to hugging range, lots of determination and hard work and all the humour Zhen and I can come up with.  Of course we will add in love, romance and and a healthy dose of ......

Regards,

Zhen ad Brian

[Arnold]

Boy Brian , you start to sound more and more like Qing and Myself . Hahaha
Really !!!!

[brett]

Good luck! I may have to make the same decision myself someday.

[David5o]

Brian (and others),


I've read what Jim has said and your reply to him. He is right in what he said about uprooting yourself, so quickly without really knowing what your letting yourself into. Living and making a life in China is a LOT different than going on a two or three week trip. This has nothing to do with the money side of things either. It has everything to do with having the right temperament, and character to over come, the feeling of being isolated by language and culture that you will be living in.

During my time in China, the companies i worked for had huge staff turnovers, where guy's just couldn't come to terms with there environment and language difficulties. They found that every day after the initial, excitement of seeing and doing things in this strange environment, became a daily form of stress to them. In other words, they were just not cut out, to live and work overseas, away from everything they knew and there families...  From the time that they first arrived full of enthusiasm, to the time they realised that this wasn't for them, averaged out between 3 to 6 months. Now you also have to remember that these guys were  primarily in a English speaking environment during there working hours, and were also living the same in a housing situation too. As the company had rented a complete well equipped housing block for it's Expat English speaking employee's...
From the start of a project to the end of that project, only around 15% of the original Engineers and administration staff remained!!!!

The fact is, if your not cut out for living and working overseas (and you won't find that out until your there, unless you have lived overseas before) you will definitely start to feel isolated. If your not working, and therefore have no outside interest so to speak, you will feel ''Far More'' isolated, and even maybe resentful of having to stay there, especially if you have nothing to go back too, in your own country....

This isn't just aimed at you Brian, but to all those that are intending to make a life in China. The success or failure, is firmly set in those individuals having the right temperament, character and probably personality to survive the initial isolation. To also have the will and determination to learn the language and integrate into the surrounding community.

We know it can be done, we have only to look at Willy and China Shark Mike. I know that Mike had lived overseas before settling in China, and we all know that he can hack his new environment. lol!!  Willy, ...well Willy is Willy, he has a character and temperament that will see him do well in most environments he ever found himself in!! ...hahaha!!

I guess i'm just saying to all those planning on taking this leap of faith, to be ''Aware'', because it certainly isn't the life for everyone that tries it....

David....

[Vince G]

For me? I don't know yet. I've been searching for the perfect place to live here in the US. The right area, the right amount of land, the moderate house with a large barn like shop in the back (i'll build it if I have to). Not to far from civilization. You see I'm not really a city boy but not a country boy either. None of this is possible in China, well not the way I picture it.

There we would have an apartment and I won't be driving. I think it would be a great adventure but I'm not sure if being outside my comfort zone for a very long time will work? I'm not sure if saving face appeals to me as in your face? I don't think it's the same telling them to shove it when they attempt to rip you off. :fi_lone_ranger:

So currently the only way to combat the two main ideas of where to live is half year there half here. My ladies fine with this. She may have her own self questions?

[maxx]

I think you all need to read again what David50 and what Jimb wrote again.I think we also Need Paul Todd's imput on this.These guys have lived this.Done this and have the T-shirts.

Being An Expat.Isn't all its cracked up to be.The isolation that David wrote about is only part of it.It is a huge part of it.But there is other things that go with it.Your choosen countries customs and culture.Can cause you big problems.

Before anybody does this I think you need to think long and hard about it.

[Rhonald]

And upon reflection - we can maybe begin to understand the difficulties our own wives will face when it is they that relocate. :-/

[maxx]

Rhonald that is a good point

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

David 5o, nice to see your words of reason.  I fully understand what you are saying.  Also I am aware that 2 weeks in country does not a china man make hehe, however until I try this I will never know.  As far as ripping myself out from the world I know and leaving family and life behind, well that is not as difficult for me as for most.

My family has never been close.  It is a long standing joke with us that the only time we hear from each other is when something is wrong.  The last time my family was together as a family was when Dad passed 8 years ago.  I havent seen my older sister or brother other than that time for well over 10 years, and we do not keep in touch.  Sounds strange I know but that is the way we are.

As for picking up and moving on my own well I have done that too.  I joined the Canadian Armed Forces at 17 years old and never looked back. I was so young at that time I had to eat like a mad fool to put on enough weight to meet the minimum requirement!! I guess I could be called the black sheep of my family.  It seems I can make the decision to do something radical like this and most times it works for me.  When I left the military I went to Edmonton with no job and no contacts.  I met my EX there in april engaged in June and married in Sept all in the same year.

So for me the only issue is going to be the language and cultural differences.The language, well I will have Zhen to help me learn chinese while I teach her english which she will need to come to Canada anyway.  Also being emersed in the culture and language tends to make it easier to learn as you basically have no choice.  I have discovered that I have great patience when trying to get my point across and have often had multi lingual conversations with people even though we dont speak the same language.  I used to sell computers and often talked with non english speaking customers.  More often than not the sale was made.

In Canada we have what is called Frech Immersion schools, where basically english speaking kids go into a school environment where only french is spoken.  My immersion into China will be somewhat similar albeit much more in depth.  If I want to learn chinese the best way is to live with chinese people and learn their language and culture and customs first hand.  As you said its been done before by CSMike and Willy.

Zhen's friends are fully supportive of us and will also help make the transition easier.  Its not like I am going there knowing no one.  I have Zhen and her/our friends to help make this a success.  The only issue at this point is how soon can I get a teaching position.  If I can get one before I go so much the better, but if not I will have plenty of time and help to find one when I get there.

I have never in my life felt the way I do for Zhen.  Being parted from her is so painful as to be unbearable.  Since she cannot come to my world to live I have to go to hers.  I have no illusions that this is going to be an extended vaction and everything will be sunshine and happiness.  I understand there will be difficult times and frustration, however I also realize I have no choice.  I have to be with Zhen and her with me.  So I go to China.  Besides, I also have a wonderful resource in our brotherhood here.  What more support and advice could anyone ask for than this group of guys here.

If by some unforseen chance this does not work out and I cannot handle it then it is still not a huge issue.  By the time it becomes unbearable Zhen and I will be married.If it comes down to it then I will have to do what the other guys do and return to Canada and get her visa to come to Canada.  However she may have the same issues that you speak of for me and she may not be able to live here either.

This is one of the major issues of these long distance crooss cultural marriages I think.  Finding a place to make our future life where both parties can feel comfortable, accepted and part of.  By me doing ths before we are married we can at least determine if living in China is an option or not.  If it is then we have an option if Zhen cannot be parted from China.  If its not then we could be in for a world of trouble if Zhen cannot live in Canada for long periods.  So to my mind its best to find this out now.  Also a  thought is that this will also give us time to get to know each other in a real life day to day situation and see how we handle these stresses before we marry.

So David and others, I am committed to this, I appreciate you being the voice of reason I really do.  Its nice to see that we all care enough about each other to say these things and offer our advice.  If only the rest of the world could work through issues like we do here it would be  much better place for everyone to live in.

So again to all my thanks for your thoughts and concern and know that they are appreciated by both myself and Zhen.  We will of course keep in touch and let everyone know of our story as it unfolds, both the good and the bad.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[Rhonald]

Rhonald that is a good point

Well Maxx - I was just remembering your advice from another thread about this topic. See...I sometimes do listen :icon_biggrin:

[Buzz]

Rhonald that is a good point

Now we have two answers, this and the missing members.  Glad you found yours...:icon_arrowu:

buzz

[Rhonald]

Rhonald that is a good point

Now we have two answers, this and the missing members.  Glad you found yours...:icon_arrowu:

buzz

I see you have a firm grip on the situation Buzz :icon_cheesygrin:

[maxx]

Rhonald it is nice to see somebody is listening.