Hubei Province, October 2009

[RobertBfrom aust]

Brett , your lady cannot get married in Hong Kong , this was pointed out ages ago , she has to marry in her home town , which is not a ceremony , the ceremony can be at any time thereafter 1 week or 1 year , Ying and Robert .

[brett]

Are you sure about that? I was under the impression that anyone can get married in Hong Kong (provided they meet the conditions for marriage there). Anyway, it's not really an issue as I've not yet asked my lady if she wants to get married there.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Brett , if that was so every one would be getting married there , even though it belonga China now , even Chinese have to get a certificate to travel there , but its run as you know by the Chinese for their financial benefit .

[maxx]

Brett what Robert is telling you is true.Your lady will have to get married in the city town province.That she was born.

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Well Brett you sure seemed to have worked yourself into quite the dilemma since I have been making my move to china.

By and large I agree with the other guys.  You seem to have fallen into a state of confusion.  You know the story of Zhen and Brian I believe so let me give you some examples from us.

We knew we were the right one for the other very early in our emf relationship.  Many guys figure this is impossible but its true for us.  Our meeting in september was a total continuation of our emf relationship and we had more chemistry thatn all the top drug companies in the world combined.  

I am 52 and Zhen is 42.  When we were in Beijing we would hold hands or arms around each other no problem.  However as soon as we went to Handan the public affection stopped.  Even though she has my ring on her finger there was no public affection in Handan.  All these ladies are concerned about face in public and especially in their hometowns.  Affection in private was also as stated by other brothers.  It was up to me to initiate any and all affection.  We didnt share our first kiss until after we were engaged.  Also once Zhen accepted my proposal and we were engaged she was and is totally committed to us as a family.

You are the man in the relationship and therefore the leader.  You make it happen... or not.  If your lady still lives at home then this is even more true.  The ladyIi was well into before Zhen also lived with her family and she didnt want me to even go to china to visit until my divorce papers were in my hands beause she could not be seen to be carrying on with a married man.  Thats the way they are raised and thats the way they are.  You have to adjust to their way of thinking they will not adjust to yours.

As for the iphone and the coat,  Zhen also makes about 2000rmb a month.  I bought her a coat and also a new phone.  Yes they sometimes get a little carried away at the perceived rich westerner thats taking them about town but you have to be the one to set the limits.  Zhen asked me one time to buy her something for about 600 rmb and I just said no I dont  think its a good deal and that was it.  Limit set line drawn story over.  She didnt get upset, or pout or do anything other than say ok and carry on as if nothing had happened.  About ten minutes later we saw the same item for 200 rmb and I bought it for her and she was totally thrilled.

From what I have seen with Zhen is that they want a man in their life to be the head of the family.  That the traditional way and they all want it.  They will be the traditional wife and you will be the traditional husband.  In the home its a different story and she rules like a queen and you best do as you are told hehe.

So basically I think perhaps your lady may be a bit confused as to the depth of your committment to her just as you are about hers to you.  Little affection from you, little leadership in the husband role, confusion about money and spending issues etc etc.  It seems you messed up your signals to her and confused hers to you, which obviously confuses her also.  As for the on again off again thing I think you head is getting too wrapped up in itself.  This whole marry a chinese lady business is ridiculously expensive, time consuming, paperwork ridden, bureaucratic dominated confusing, and ultimately the most satisfyingly happy journey you will ever make.  But as has been said by many before its not for everyone.  Peraps you are not quite ready to take this journey and thats why there is so much confusion.

If you are going down this road to find the love of your life you best take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are ready to commit everything you are and everything you have to see it through.  Because of you are not then stop now and dont hurt her or yourself any more than has been done by indecision and second guessing.  As Yoda from Star Wars said  " Do, or do not.  There is no try".  Its your decision to make but make sure you are looking yourself in the mirror when you make it and be damned sure its the right decision.

Anyway I hope you make the right decision and everything works out between the two of you.

Sincerely,

Zhen and Brian

[Scottish_Rob]

Well said Brian....:icon_biggrin:

[brett]

Thanks Brian.

I have been very sick recently, so most of what I wrote last week was a little crazy at times. Maybe there should be a 7 day rule for when you come back from visiting your lady.

I guess my lady and I are both a little confused. We need more time together, and more time talking on QQ. It is difficult talking to her about relationship issues though, as her knowledge of English just doesn't extend to this area. Google translations aren't usually that great and our translator is going through a bad patch. My lady also doesn't like it when I write about more intimate things in an EMF, hmm that's something that other brothers might like to bear in mind.

I am not in doubt about wanting a wife. I am clear on that. Being with my lady was great. Being here alone is not great.

My new Mandarin teacher is excellent, and she is starting to get me interested in the language. That has been the barrier to me learning Chinese, and it is gradually being dismantled.

China was very different to what I'd imagined. But I did enjoy my time there. Sichuan cooking is great, and I am now cooking it at home. I am convinced I am looking for a wife in the right country. I deal with immigration in work, so I know the pain involved.

I guess we are confused about the role of the different genders. My lady's mother is from Shanghai, and when I met them it was clear she was in charge of the family. Here the man is traditionally in charge. Hmmm, Mr Wu's role really had me puzzled.

As to the lack of affection, well we need more time together. But she bought me a lovely cake, and made sure I didn't get killed crossing the road. Obviously my lady is younger than many of the ladies talked about here. She is young and doesn't have first hand experience of having a useless first husband who gambles/whores/drinks the family finances away. I talked to divorced ladies on chnlove and they were practically begging me to come and visit them - I guess by experiencing a bad man you get to appreciate a good man a lot more.

As to the other issues, well not everything I write here goes in a EMF. My lady and I have had a good QQ session today. We did get on very well in China. I was very calm when I was with her, this is why men can buy 700RMB coats without saying a word. Really we could have done with a few more days together but she had to go back to her slave job as it was difficult enough for her to get 5 days off to meet me.

[Vince G]

Brett, I haven't talked straight out about intimate things to my lady. But the message got across. We kind of ended up with the code words of not leaving the hotel for a few days. We both know what that meant. She even popped up with it on the phone (jokingly). So I know it's not something lost to the translator.

I think it depends on the woman. I've had some say straight out intimate things and others that give no reply at all.

[brett]

Yes Vince it does depend on the lady (and whether the translator is adding fluff). I have tried being a bit indirect, but you just wonder if it's getting translated at the other end.

Talking about important stuff on QQ is a nightmare. So it's easier to talk about fruit or the weather or how boring our jobs are.

But the ladies who wanted to get intimate on the 2nd EMF, well I found them a bit scary to be honest :s.

[Vince G]

But the ladies who wanted to get intimate on the 2nd EMF, well I found them a bit scary to be honest

I understand that. It's like what is up with this? What am I "hooking" up with?

[Arnold]

Brett , your biggest problem seems to be the Language Barrier with your Lady . Now this , will call for both of you to be MORE patient with each other . You are doing your part to further this Relationship , by taking Chinese classes . Now if your Lady does the same for you with English classes ( her time permitting ) , then you are well on the way .. to make this work . Both of you are still young , so no need to rush it . Use this apart time to really get to know her well and by the time your Communication get better , then you talk about where to marry . Until then , keep each other close and in a Loving spirit all the time . Ones you two overcome this very difficult part , the rest will be sooo much easier . But it requires both your's and her's  100 % commitment , that will show .. if it's going to work .

[brett]

Actually the biggest problem we have is lack of time. I work full time and have a lot of side projects, she works 50 hours a week in her slave job. My lady really does appear to have a talent for English though, despite no formal tuition except at high school. She also found Cantonese very easy to learn, and knows several Mandarin dialects. We communicated pretty well when we were together. The only problem is that there are whole gaps in her English knowledge. Like for example she doesn't know the word "popular". I found it incredibly hard to explain it to her, because I couldn't think of a single synonym.

My Mandarin teacher thinks I have great potential, but again learning it is a huge commitment and my time is valuable. I am starting to remember a lot of hanzi characters though which is encouraging.

[Arnold]

That's funny , my Wife alway's uses Superstar for the word Popular . You bet I don't mind that .:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

I see Brett , not enough Hour's in a day . The time difference and one has to get some sleep too . Makes one think , what we go through for a GOOD wife ? Just hang with it , you'll be alright .

[brett]

Yes I am beginning to realise there are a whole load of words the Chinese don't have. Like I wondered why my lady didn't know the words kitten or puppy. Then I realised that in China a kitten is simply a "small cat", ??.

The time difference is certainly a problem, I start work an hour before she leaves work, and when I'm home in the evening she's fast asleep.

I expect this thread will get to page 2100 before we're finally together :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Vince G]

My lady knows the word "Popular" she had said it practicing her english on the phone. (she wants to hear how I say it). At first I had no idea what word she was saying. I had her spell it, then once I said the word she remembered it (other phone calls). It's good and funny at the same time hearing her work out larger words. "situation" "propose" and "purpose" which she pronounced Purple? But, hey! she's trying?