My dad just got diagnosed with prostate cancer.....

[Irishman]

I honestly dont know where else to post about this. I really need to talk to some guys about it that might have some previous knowledge or experience with it. As the brother's here are ..brothers..men, I hope you don't mind me getting thuis off my chest.

So, today i got a rather cryptic email from my uncle..my days brother, saying i should call my sis about my dad.
I of course panicked thinking he was in a car accident or had a heart attack or something (he's 70).
So I called her and she told me that my day was told that he has Prostate cancer. i thought - thats not so bad ( i saw a documentary about it recently and if its caught early its often reversible apparently), its pretty common, he's fairly old..and it should be treatable, but even though he was tested two years ago and got the all clear apparently its too bad for chemo or surgery, all they can do is give him some hormone injections.
They give him 5-10 years.

So I'm a bit numb about it all, on one hand if he has 10 years...living to 80 is a pretty good run, i'd take that. he has his mind and up to now he was a pretty fit and active guy .

He lives in another part of the country so dont see him that often , my sis says I should visit him after my next China trip , she reckons if I have a wedding date etc it will cheer him up no end so that's what I'm gonna do (no pressure eh!!).

I just dunno what to say, what do you say to a man that's got 10 years tops?
I want to hold it together as i know he will try and put a brave face on it and i don't want to make him upset seeing me break down.

What do you say in these circumstances? I always thought it would be a heart attack or something, that's how my grandparents went, it was fast and done, but a slow lingering painful death, what do you say?

Have any of you guys gone through this before, how did you deal with it, how did you face your loved one, how did you act around them?, I just don't know what to do.

Sorry to post such a downer of a topic, I'm not looking for sympathy just man to man advice really. My dad will be an old man with kids that loved him when he passes and if that's the same for me I will die a happy man, and I think he will feel the same too. I do realise we all go one way or another and have known that the next ten years it was very likely I would loose one or the other and have mentally steeled myself for the call, i just assumed/hoped it would be fast though as it was for their parents (one of my grand dads had 4 heart attacks before he died aged 87, the funeral was respectful but not overly sad, he had lived a long life, surrounded by loved one and when the end came it was fast, we all agreed we would like to go out like he did).

The good news is that he has years left, and hopefully the doctors can make sure those are as comfortable as possible for him so I'm going to try and stay positive and thankful for the time he has left.

Thanks fellas.

[shaun]

Ronan,

Though my father didn't have prostrate cancer he did have colon cancer.  He had radical surgery and lived another 25 years before he passed in July 2008.  He had a very bad auto accident 4 years prior to his death and I moved him closer to me and his last 4 between the two of us was great. We got a lots closer.

I know that you do not live close and that there are other siblings but you might consider letting him travel and stay with each of his children.  He may not go for it, who knows.

The other thing I am thinking about is that just because one doctor says they can only do this does not mean that is the only option available.  A friend of mine was given 2 years with leukemia. There was no hope past that.  He went to three doctors and the third one said they could treat it and he could live.  Seven years later and he is cancer free.  You might check around at different cancer centers.

Shaun

[mustfocus]

Hey there.  Sorry to hear about your dad.  I know it's not an easy thing to have a close one diagnosed with cancer.  I won't say that your dad had a good run and those other plattitudes.  I grew up with the view that my dad was the invincible, and I'm sure many other people have felt that way.  I don't think anything I could say would be able to comfort you (even though I've only been here a short while).

That said, the best thing to do is to give your dad some good news and keep him happy.  If you can provide him with a daughter-in-law and some grandkids, I'm sure he would be overjoyed.  At least let your dad see you happy.  If your father is happy, trust me on this, he will live much longer and maybe get to share in some of the glow of your family.

I have a good friend who had hodgkins disease (cancerous growth between his heart and a lung).  Luckily he survives to this day.  But because he had both chemo and radiation treatments, there is a good chance that his cancer will come back and next time it will probably be much worse.  But he is enjoying his life more now.  He's more free with his thoughts, his desires and he is happy (most of the time).  My boss also nearly died last year from a nasty disease.  But this year, just recently he started to persue his dreams of becoming a personal chef.

The point I am getting at, spread some happiness and some cheer and hopefully you will get to spend more time with your father than you or the doctors think.

[Chong]

My Dad passed away two years ago ... suddenly from pneumonia. At the hospital, he died peacefully in his sleep after being in a semi-conscious coma. We all thought that he was coming home as he fainted before, went to the hospital and got released. I never got a chance to tell him that ... "I love him". He was 73 years old. He never got to see me get marry nor see his future grandchild. He never pushed me to get marry. He was proud of me but I was more proud of him. He helped me with my business; at least, I got to thank him for helping me retired early in life. He actually knew that his time was coming and was prepared for it.

Here's my favorite picture with my Father taken in 1965.

Irish ... Just cherish whatever time you have left with your Father.

[Paul Todd]

Sorry to hear that Ronan,

I went through this with my Father a good few years ago now.  The best advice I can give is talk to him about it,try to bring it out into the open so that when things get worst he will not try to carry the burden on his own. Treat him like you always did, if he's is anything like my dad was he won't appreciate sympathy. He's going to need your support over the coming years so try and set up a good and open foundation for this now. My dad passed away on the day my first son was born, kind of got a bit of peace through that, kind of one out one in! All the best to you and your family

Ming Zhi,Paul

[Irishman]

Thanks Shaun,In-Jaul and Chonger, those were lovely posts and touched me with your kindness.
I think I just need to keep as positive as I can around him and leave the tears back home.
He is a softie like me and i know if i get upset around him he will get upset too. So i guess i gotta be the strong son that he's so proud of  (strong is NOT how I feel right now).

Thanks guys

[Irishman]

Sorry to hear that Ronan,

I went through this with my Father a good few years ago now.  The best advice I can give is talk to him about it,try to bring it out into the open so that when things get worst he will not try to carry the burden on his own. Treat him like you always did, if he's is anything like my dad was he won't appreciate sympathy. He's going to need your support over the coming years so try and set up a good and open foundation for this now. My dad passed away on the day my first son was born, kind of got a bit of peace through that, kind of one out one in! All the best to you and your family

Ming Zhi,Paul

Thanks Paul,

I know he will try to not be a burden on his kids and i will have to drag it out of him.

Thanks Paul, he has a similar personality to me in some respects and you just vocalised how I would be if I was him so I've a good idea how to talk to him about it now , thank very very much!!

[Josh Markley]

Irish,

I am so sorry to hear this.  All my prayers are with you and your family.  I recently lost my uncle to prostate cancer.  He was 62.  He was diagnosed in august 2009 and passed less than a month later.  My father got the phone call that my uncle was in the hospital and we should get there.  My uncle lives in tulsa so it is about a 4 hour drive and we didnt make there to say goodbye.  It was hard on my cousins and my aunt.  So I know what you will face in the future.  I will continue to pray for you.

[David E]

Ronan

I had the BEST Dad in the whole World...everything a Dad should be...and I loved him so much.

He was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and they gave him 2 to 3 years.

Of course, he wanted to keep it secret and not "bother us family"...typical British stiff upper lip...but we knew something was not right and got the story from him.

From that point life for me changed and I thought with horror of the end-game of this news...I would lose my Dad.

So I determined from that day on that even though I was an independant adult, he would be included in all the things I and my family did. We could not always be with him personally because we lived in different Citys. But we made a special thing of involving him, and got togrether far more often than we had done.

With advances in Medical care, dad lived on for 8 years and died at the age of 80 years...as he said himself, 2 world wars, one great depression and he goes to 80...not a bad innings.

His pasing was so sad, but the years before had taught us to more love and respect the Man, the Father and the Friend. We all got to go sometime and I know his wish was to see his family as sucessful, responsible people in society...able to love, live and laugh together...and we made it come true for him

I truly believe that all your Dad needs is to know you love him, you respect him as a Father and as Man and you will take your own place as the head of your family with honour and pride...then he has done the best a Dad can do

My best wishes to Him,You and your family.

DavidE

[Arnold]

Irish , as you know I had my own Battle with my late Wife's Cancer . I know what it going to do to a Family of an affected Person . The first thought is alway's .. how much time is remaining ? Second , like David E. said ... let's include Her more in the thing's we do . That is great , but why did they not do this when everything was still ok and normal ? People must learn to (chinese Family's are a perfect example for this ) DO thing's as a Family without waiting for something like this to come  up . One will never receive that time gone by .. back .
I can Imagine how Jo-Ma felt , arriving too late to say goodbye to his Uncle . But a Father is so much closer , so do exactly what you were going to do . After your Trip ... even before you go , make that effort to see him . One never knows what lay's ahead , what if there is a sudden change in His Illness and your in China ? See Him now before you go and in case something aweful like that will happen , you can look back and at least see you had the last chance to see him , as to feeling aweful for the rest of your Life because of it .

On a better note . My late Wife's Dad , had the same Prostate Cancer in the early nineties and they ( the Doctor's ( 2 ) ) gave Him 5 year's to Live . Well , He is still here and never felt better and is a much happier Person now . Because , he know's what could of happened . Now , whenever I get the chance ( he lives 90 miles away ) I see him and I call him so much more . There is just no reason NOT to .

I hope Irish , your Dad will be fighting this equally as my Father in-law .
A prayer is going his way , as he is in God's hand .

[victor-hills]

Really do feel for you Irish mate i lost my mum out of the blue one min there next min gone neaver got a chance to say i loved her my dad was in hospital becase of a hart attack haveing to tell him mum was gone was really hard he new some thing was up by my face as i told him you could see the lost look in his eyes neaver forget that look,Lost my dad 18 months ago found him at the bottom of the stairs been there 3 days i did not know agen i did not get a chance to say good bye So what im saying mate make the most of it just let him know you love him all the best Irish to your dad and you mate.

[Buzz]

Rowan,

First let me say I am sorry to hear the news about your father.  Second, let me say that I have lost my father, both uncles, and grandfather to this disease.  Saying this, I will tell you I know what bus is going to hit me in a few years, I just don’t know when.  

The doctors in saying that he has 10 years are just guessing at best.  No one knows.  They are going off statistical history and base line average based on age.  In looking at this average, some men have lived for 20 years, others 5; in order to attain the 10-year average they posted.  My advice is never take the time line as gospel, and always gets a second opinion from a cancer specialist.  There are many more treatments today that can help prolong not only quantity but also quality of life.
 
Many of the other comments about more engagement with your father will benefit both you and him.  One of the most effective treatments against cancer is a positive attitude.  Don’t be in a rush to get life accomplished with in the next couple of years.  Go ahead and set 3,5 and 10-year goals; this will give your father something to look forward to and plan for.  Looking forward with a positive attitude is much better than sitting in a mirror and counting the days.  

The second opinion in necessary and must be done soon.  Prostate cancer spreads to the bones and lymph nodes in a relatively short time.  Keeping this from happening will determine how long your father is still here.  Once the cancer spreads to the bones, it is only a matter of weeks and there is no hope of remission if this happens.  If the cancer gets into the lymph system, it will soon be completely through out the body.

Have I got your attention?  Get a second opinion, get it soon, and get it with a cancer specialist!!

I deal with this issue every day in my job.  Those who took time and got early care live much longer and do much better than those who wait.

Last this is for you.  This type of cancer tends to follow bloodlines.  Get yourself checked early and then yearly.  Learn what is good to eat, and what will get you into harms way.  While the PSA test has been coming under attack for being to unreliable, yearly prostate exams are still the best way to prevent this from taking our lives.

Everyone over the age of 45 should be getting the finger from their doctor every year in order to be safe from this disease.

Buzz

[Irishman]

Mike, Josh, David, Arnold, Victor and Buzz huge thanks for taking the time to write such kind and detailed words to me. Maxx, thanks for the PM
You guys have really helped cheer me up and put things in perspective.

I most definitely have to try and spend more time with him and hope one day he gets to play Grandad with my kids. My sis is right that I should wait till i get back from China to visit him,  for sure the news that his son is (hopefully) engaged will cheer him up hugely..then he has to stay around for the wedding, the kids etc

[Scottish_Rob]

Mate
I have not 'suffered' the indignation of this crippling disease first hand nor with family, so there is nothing I can say except I'm so sorry to hear about it, and for you to stay strong for all concerned..

Rob

[Sylvain D]

Ronan,
Sorry first to not have written before, as I wasn't really "active" those last days.
I'm sorry to read about your father.
However, as it has been written above, no one can lives forever but can live a good life, doing many things.
Most of time, people have an active life, I just can hope you dad got the same up to now. The best thing to do is wishing him all the best to live many more moments right now, and, whatever it would be 5, 10 years, maybe a bit some more, well.... He's your dad, and I'm sure you have real good feelings for him. Eh, why not doing a "round trip" with him whenever possible? (or a trip 'round the world or anything your father would always have dreamed to do, one day? )

I don't think he could think to be as a "burden" for his family, because it's not the case
Well.
I didn't really hear about prostate's cancer and how it can be solved whatever man is old or not. Maybe with technology, there could be something in progress in the next months/years about it

As you say your latest reply, Ronan, yeah, that would sound good to spend some more time with him and let him being a future GrandPa. Eh, for sure, we all wish that for you, Ronan