JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Rob,

Thanks for the warning, I'll be keeping a very close watch over my valuables during 2010, ......and no doubt, so will Lucy!!  hahahaha!!

David.....

[Scottish_Rob]

Do you mean watch, as in one you wear on your arm............ROFLMAO

[David5o]

Pickup Line


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said,

'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing everybody since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
 
 
Yep, ..... that's what I've always told my Kids, "the only profession you'll ever make money and always be in a job is to get in to the parasitic line of work" , and the top of the list is to become a lawyer/solicitor. There will always be money to be made on the backs of somebody else's misfortunes......... Never Too Late To Try


An elderly Irish couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.

'I would like it in-frequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment or two, adjusted his glasses and
leaned over towards her and whispered ....'Is that one word or two?'  

[David5o]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

 
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea..'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

God!! ......the kids of today, what ya gonna do with them!!!!The 3 Bears Story........

 

Here is a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.... Women will probably love this version!.......


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table."
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water."

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, Now listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMMED PORRIDGE YET ....OK!!!"

[David5o]

Turner Brown...


A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said ......"Turn around"The Lawyer ........


  A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
 dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
 
 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
 tractor and asked him what he was doing.
 
 The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
 I'm just going to retrieve it."
 
 The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
 here."
 
 The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
 United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
 everything you own."

 The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
 disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick  Rule.'"

 The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'? "
 
 The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
 go  first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
 back and forth until someone gives up."
 
 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
 he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
 attorney.
 
 His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
 lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the
 midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all
 fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first  into a fresh cow pie.
 
 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
 Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
 Now it's my turn."
 
  The old farmer smiled and said, ......"Nah Son, ...I give up. You can have the duck, ...Byeeeeeee now fella!!

 
That'll teach him, ..... That he's not as Smart as he thinks he may be. ...!!!

[Skip]

Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?

[Neil]

Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090718/us/usreport_us_cronkite
Legendary TV news anchor Walter Cronkite dies

[David5o]

It's The Way You Tell Them!!


It's not what you say, ..... it's the way that you say it............

 
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......all these are genuine clips from UK council house complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
 
Some of these people really do have problems, don't they!! ........ hahaha!!

[shaun]

Someone once said that a “Pun was the lowest form of American humor.”  I make no attempt to defend that statement here.  In light of the fact that Walter Cronkite, former journalist extraordinaire and retired CBS television anchor died today at the age of 92, I recall a Pun.

It seems there was a mythical kingdom of Tatorland.  Geographically, it was located between Ireland and Scotland.  The Princess of Tatorland was a terribly dowdy woman.  Her parents, the King and Queen of Tatorland were very distressed about the prospect of the Princess getting married.  The Princess having reached the age of 30, had no suitors.  

So the King and Queen sent the Princess on a mission throughout the Kingdom of Tatorland  to find a willing suitor.

After some months had passed, the Princess’s expedition returned to the Palace.  The Princess rushed in exclaiming the good news:  “Mother, Father I have found a man to marry me;  I love him and he loves me.”  Quite excited the Queen questions her daughter,  “What is his name oh dear Princess?”  

The Princess replied, “His name is Walter Cronkite!”  The Queen mother reels in a state of shock, “Oh no, not Walter Cronkite!”  Totally stunned, the Princess asks, “What’s wrong with Walter Cronkite?”  The Queen of Tatorland responds mockingly,  “My dear, Walter Cronkite is just a commentator!”  Drum and symbols please….  ?

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/090718/us/usreport_us_cronkite
Legendary TV news anchor Walter Cronkite dies

So, how many of you care to admit that you knew who Walter Cronkite was?  Even better how many of you watched on live TV during the Apollo Moon missions?  TV's were black and white and the reports were ghastly. Now we watch car chases in color with some of the same stupid comments.  Sorry Walter, we love you but dang!

[David5o]

How much time do I have?

An old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

(Wait for it!!)



God replied: ......'I just didn't bloody recognise you.'!!!!

[David5o]

Best Yoga Techniques


Comparing Indian yoga techniques with well known Scottish ones !!







Click on pictures to enlarge

[David5o]

Business opportunity!!

 I am thinking of resurrecting this old form of slimming.
 




Anybody out there interested???

It is Guaranteed to assist you keeping SLIM!!Do Not Disturb !!!





The Sign say's it All !!!

[David5o]

A young journalist gets a job...


A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story.

Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?".

 "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. ...."One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, and we eventually found her. ....After we all screwed her, we took her home."

 The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?"
The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all us screwed it before we took it back home."

 "Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything happened around here that made you particularly sad?"

 The old man looked down at the ground . "Well," he said sheepishly, and twiddling his foot on the ground.

"I got lost, once!!"
 
Hahaha!! ....What goes around comes around !!!!!

[Scottish_Rob]

This oldish man goes to this farm looking for a job, the farmer asks him, 'have you ever done anything like this before?'  The old man replies 'yes I was a farm hand many years ago, 'can you drive a tractor' the farmer asks, the old man says, 'yes I can', ok the farmer says, take the tractor up to the top field and dig it up, you should be finished by 12, so the man jumps in the tractor and away he goes.

About 3pm the farmer asks his wife, have you seen that old man I started this morning? no she answers, so he jumps into his car  and drives up to the top field just as the old man starts to sit down.  He get out of the car and walks to the gates, looks at the field and sees 2 areas of the field untouched.

He shouts the old man over and asks him why this was?  The old man says, I never dug them up because they are sentimental too me. 'Sentimental' 'Bloody sentimental' The farmer says, Yes replied the old man, see that bit of grass there, pointing to one of the uncut areas, yes the farmer said, well, said the old man, that's where I got my first ride,, so the farmer asks what about the other bit, Well said the old man, that's where her mother was standing.  What said the farmer, 'Her mother... what did she say?

'Baaaaa.....' the old man replied

[David5o]

Work it out!



This Will Mess With Your Head.

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30, SO EACH MAN PAID £10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALISED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27, ADD THE £2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.

SO WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND??
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Answer.......
 
Forget the 30 pounds,....... calculate on the 25 pounds. Each of the men got a pound back (3 pounds) equalling 28 pounds, plus the 2 pounds the thieving toe-rag of a bell boy kept as a tip = the 30 pounds