JUST FOR A LAUGH

[MLM]

Rob you are a very sick man, I feel so bbaaaddd for you
 Hahaha

[David5o]

All The Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though all the others do all the work...
It's  the 'AssHole' that's usually in charge!So Lads, .....Anyone for Drinks down at my local this coming Friday??

The Wife.....



Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Executive.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

[David5o]

Attention all you oldies

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that you are old, it's just that some of us are more youthfully challenged than others!!!.

[Skip]

All The Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though all the others do all the work...
It's  the 'AssHole' that's usually in charge!
So Lads, .....Anyone for Drinks down at my local this coming Friday??


The Wife.....



Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Executive.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

Nah Man, the bar has an interesting look, but the boots are a total turnoff!

[David5o]

6 reasons not to mess with children.

(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell ?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters ?'
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet ?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

Some of These Kids Are Going to Grow- Up Real Smart Arses!!!!! ...hahaha!!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



On the first day God created the cow ...

God said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer ... for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years ... let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog ...
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past ... I'll give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking ... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey ...

God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh ... I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so ... dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too." And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man ...

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy ... do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy ... I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What ... only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty ... the forty cow gave back ... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back ... that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for ...

The first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing much ... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren ... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody ...
Life has now been explained.

[David5o]

History Of Maths


Teaching maths in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’ are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths 2017

? ? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ??. ? ?? ??=D 8? ??

??. ?? ?? ??

The thing is ..... it's right, and it's certainly not funny!!

[David5o]

IDIOT AWARDS FOR 2008

And the glorious Winners for 2008 are:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus
stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police
that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the concrete cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of high impact Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on video tape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, as he positively identified the lady, 'Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated
walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,




Dog Food

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tescos supermarket ....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

bloody Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??


And now the crucial question, ..... Was she a Blond ??

[David5o]

IKEA KIT CAR


IKEA'S Latest offering to the DIY'er

-click on picture to enlarge-





Oh, ....and you also get one of these too, ....happy DIY Guys




Local Irish weather station Equipment

[Skip]

Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............
She answers: 'Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

[David5o]

Islamic Exsteamists In The News


A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog .

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" – says the man.

"Oh, what are you then? "

The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

[David5o]

The morning after......

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."......"Why would i ask her to cook my sock??"

[Rhonald]

Rob you are a very sick man, I feel so bbaaaddd for you
 Hahaha

Michael ewe don't say :blush:

Since this is a joke section I guess I am required to add one myself.

I can always tell when my wife is wearing pantyhose because everytime she farts, her ankles bulge.

[David5o]

Be Jesus.....


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[David5o]

Avoidable Exposure

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[David5o]

The Rude American
 

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."