JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY ENDED UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THEM AND WHISPERS TO A GIRL, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH??. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[fivetrout]

John! You on a great roll...keep'em coming!

[JohnB]

John! You on a great roll...keep'em coming! 
Okay 5Trout...just for you!
I think even Sly would enjoy this one.

Vraiment tr?s dr?le ...! je vous laisse en juger.
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

[JohnB]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem".

"What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.
First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal; your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?".
NO......NO......and for the last time......NO!!!"

   

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by one o’ clock!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, darling...but you probably don't want to hear the reason.
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at one o’clock on the button.
On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tyre. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying .......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

[JohnB]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,  interviews and testing were done, there were 3  finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him  a gun. 'We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting In a chair. Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man. Take your wife
and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but  I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given  the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
 'I had to kill him with the chair!

[JohnB]

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a
catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only
permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but
eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The
first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked
him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but
notice that you're missing your starboard ear and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side. The Admiral
got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be
short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than
the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was
impressed and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear!"

[Willy The Londoner]

Ah yes. The land of the FREE!!!!

Willy.

[shaun]

This just had to happen in Georgia. 

COMMERCE, Ga. -- A woman who was glued to a toilet seat in a Banks Crossing shopping center store at Thanksgiving may have glued herself, Banks County Sheriff’s investigators now suspect.
Emergency medical services were called to the store to help remove the woman from the seat, but she had to be transported to a hospital in Gainesville for the procedure, according to a sheriff’s report.
A manager of the undisclosed store found a bag in the restroom with a bottle of Loctite GO2 glue that a sheriff’s investigator described as a construction-grade super glue, usually available only online.
Investigators reviewed video footage and no one else entered the bathroom in a reasonable amount of time to have done it, Deputy Sheriff Carissa McFaddin said Friday. “There is no evidence to show that someone did it besides who was in there.”
Investigators said there is not enough evidence to charge anyone, she said.
Three toilet seats were smeared with the glue, according to the report.

There are better chastity devices available...  I think. 

[JohnB]

A Love Story at Christmas Time....

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls
she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was no where to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love
with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

[JohnB]

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple;
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)


















Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.




















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
****Men Keep scrolling































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen.

[JohnB]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more
difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

[JC]

This was sent to me, thought I would share;

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

James

[JohnB]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,
then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard
of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."