JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

there is a God..
http://www.flixxy.com/9-year-old-girl-sings-opera-on-hollands-got-talent.htm

[Willy The Londoner]

there is a God..
http://www.flixxy.com/9-year-old-girl-sings-opera-on-hollands-got-talent.htm

And she has had no singing teacher whatsoever. Just taught her self.

Mind you what would you expect with the name 'Willi' within her surname. 

Willy

PS you should catch her singing 'Ave Maria'

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

CLASSY INSULTS
When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.. if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

AND.....................

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[JohnB]

Einstein and Chaplin
Albert Einstein says
- "What I admire most about your art", "is its universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... the world understands you."
Chaplin replies
- "It's true", "But your fame is even greater: the world admires you, when nobody understands you. "

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you.

[JohnB]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[JohnB]

religiously incorrect, but hey....
IT'S FUNNY!!

[Willy The Londoner]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.

Hmm??? Either he was cheating on his 19 year old wife 50 years ago or he is cheating on his 73 year old wife now with a younger 69 year old.!!!!!!!
Or maybe he was just sleeping!!!

 Of course  I know from experience that ONCE, was what was done all night, which now takes all night to do ONCE.

Willy

[Pineau]

At first I understood it to mean that  she is now 73 . But 50 years ago SHE was the hot 23 year old he is referring to. He just got his math messed up in the second part of the joke.  It was funnier before. Now it reads like a grade school word problem. 
1. If it is now 2014, who was doing who in 1958 and how much was his car worth? 
2. Were color TVs available on their 25th wedding anniversary?

Leave it to you to DO THE MATH !

[JohnB]

Willy & Gerry, do people actually analyse these things on content alone?
...I guess I'll have to proof read the damn things!

or, could you think...it could be the onset of Alzheimers or 'Oldtimers'? That would be the logical
explanation unless we forget what the f*ck the joke is all about.

Here's one for Canada..Eh!

[JohnB]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. 

an update...
TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they colide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help
each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,
and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours".

[JohnB]

Two ways to look at everything ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at
everything.