Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."
-------------------------
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
----------------------
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
----------------------------
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"
-------------------
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
------------------------
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Job application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
