Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 304636 times)

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Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1380 on: February 28, 2014, 09:14:15 pm »
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES
WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS
REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING
BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1381 on: February 28, 2014, 09:25:41 pm »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1382 on: February 28, 2014, 09:37:59 pm »
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't
wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,.....Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'




Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1383 on: February 28, 2014, 09:44:14 pm »
How marriage works....... A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in
love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.
I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar you
know they have frozen glasses.

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She
took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise, OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey, at the bar You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.'
'You want dirty words, you bastard? Drink your fucking beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, bcz you
hav got married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?
'

So he stayed home and, they lived happily ever after

Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1384 on: March 08, 2014, 07:12:36 pm »
So this Irish lady is cleaning her husband's gun and accidentally shot him.

She frantically calls 911.

Irish woman: Its my fooken husband,  I've accidentally shot him.  I've fooken killed him.

Operator: Please calm down madame. Can you first make sure he is actually dead.

Silence.......click..BANG.

Irish woman: Silence.......click..BANG.   OK I've done that. Now what?
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1385 on: March 13, 2014, 08:59:51 pm »
How to find the British....or Where is England anyway?
http://youtu.be/rNu8XDBSn10
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
http://www.youtube.com/user/gerrypineau/videos
http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1386 on: March 13, 2014, 10:26:19 pm »
Even I found that very interesting.

I knew that this little island of ours had control of a large part of the world but did did not know that it was so large.

No bad for a country that had less than 20 million people living within its waters.

But now it has people piling in from all those places listed and that 20 million has trebled in about 125 years to more than 60 million.

Thank goodness I have emigrated to a less populated country. Ha Ha Ha

Willy

Willy The Lpndoner

Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1387 on: March 20, 2014, 08:50:32 pm »
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,

So he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!
!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you.'"

Offline fivetrout

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1388 on: March 20, 2014, 09:10:14 pm »
John, you are the site's treasure for great laughs!

Offline Martin

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1389 on: March 21, 2014, 09:06:45 am »
I agree with Fivetrout.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1390 on: March 24, 2014, 10:07:09 pm »
hey 5Trout...I was thinking of a fun political thread. would that not bring out the laughter?

anyway

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The
following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read................































NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Offline Robertt S

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1391 on: March 30, 2014, 02:03:06 pm »

Offline IrishGuy65

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1392 on: March 30, 2014, 08:15:30 pm »
Classic Robert!  I love that. 
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Interview on 2/25/14.  Visas approved.
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Offline JustJim

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1393 on: March 31, 2014, 07:06:12 pm »
Did not see THAT coming....

good one. :)

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1394 on: April 09, 2014, 09:11:49 pm »
this one will crack you up.......