JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year British scientists found traces of copper
wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists
dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than
250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

[Pineau]

had to steal the crows for facebook.

[Robertt S]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
 These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And last:
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…It is also
the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin
and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll
stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can
do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!   Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors
the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped
could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari
is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops
and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

[JohnB]

For those of my older generation (like me) who do not really comprehend
the need for Facebook:

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying
the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell the passers-by what I
have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do
tomorrow. Then, I give them pictures of my family, my dog, me gardening
and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them. And it works.

I already have three persons following me ... two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[JohnB]

 healthy benefits of a glass of wine

[JohnB]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits
about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly
high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to
Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into
battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[JohnB]

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one
was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a
half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk
faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He
cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started
to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with
his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys

[JohnB]

I think this is an old posting, but what the f*ck.. 


Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk
due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics
of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of
one ear. Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually
became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for
his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your
starboard ear and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got
very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well,
yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and
seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but
went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise,
the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and
thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral
asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear!"

[Robertt S]

Hillbilly Logic


 Billy Joe and Jim Bob have decided that it is time to improve their lifestyle and go back to school. They have taken the placement examinations, and are patiently waiting for the results. Finally, the counselor calls Jim Bob into her office.
"Congratulations, Jim Bob!" she says. "You have been accepted, and this semester you will be taking arithmetic and logic."
"Well," says Jim Bob, "I knows what 'rithmetic is, but what's this here Logic?"
"Here, I'll give you an example." says the counselor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Why, yes Ma'am, I do."
"Then by using logic, I could deduce that you have a yard."
"I sure do! I've got me a big 'ole yard!"
"And if you have a yard, it stands to reason that you probably have a house."
"Yes Ma'am! It's a nice little house, and I'm right proud of it."
"And if you have a house, I'd be willing to bet that you're a married man."
"I sure am, to a pretty little gal at that!"
"And seeing that you're married, you are most likely heterosexual."
"Ain't no likely about about that, I am most certainly hetero-sexual! Say, you can tell all that about me just by using this logic stuff?"
"That's right," says the counselor.
"I think I'm gonna like this class!" says Jim Bob as he runs out to tell Billy Joe.
"Guess what Billy Joe?" says Jim Bob, "I got accepted, an I'm gonna be taking 'rithmetic and logic!"
"What's this here logic stuff?" says Billy Joe.
"Here, I'll show ya!" says Jim Bob. "You got a weed eater, dontcha Billy Joe?"
"Uh, no."
Jim Bob eyes his friend suspiciously. "Yer one of them queer folk, ain't ya..."
 

[Robertt S]

  Wisdom From the Military   

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
 

[Robertt S]

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
 In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
 GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
 Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
 Both result in death...

[JohnB]

 

[JohnB]

We were discussing after supper who was more loyal a supportive spouse or a faithful dog .
Someone mentioned lock both in your trunk for an hour and when you unlock it who will be happy to see you ?