JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Gus]

Wow, I would love to have seen your wife's Guzhengs. Chinese instruments fascinate me (and I am a professional musician!)

[JohnB]

[JohnB]

Coffee With the Pope

Nescafe Coffee Inc. arranged a meeting with the pope at the Vatican
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we
have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you
change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee."

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our
offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do
have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us
this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church
will come into $500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

[JohnB]

50 shades of........

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out. . . a little to the right. . . a little to the left. . . she
could feel the sweat on her forehead. . . between her breasts. . . and, trickling down the small
of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . .
forward then backward. . . again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . her face was flushed. . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder. . .

finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream. . . "OK, ok, you smug bastard, I admit I can't
parallel park. You do it!

[Gus]

LOL. Thanks guys, I could used a laugh (or three).

[JohnB]

Gus,
you're a man of many words. 哈哈哈

[Gus]

   I am more the strong silent type I guess.

[Robertt S]

 

[Gus]

 

[Robertt S]

 

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have S.X with you. I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f..king!”

[JohnB]

The Proper Way To Call Someone a Bastard…..

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached
and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
Fred said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed.

George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George
counted his $80.00.

He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on
suckers.” Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you
want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”

[JohnB]

Two men in pilots uniforms and dark glasses work their way up the aisle of the airplane.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the two enter the cockpit, the door closes
and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window
seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to
look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and then we're gonna crash."

[JohnB]

There are these three Southern ladies, Miz Ida and Miz Edna, and Miz Blanche a settin' in the
glider on their porch, drinkin' mint juleps and fanning themselves in the cool afternoon air.
Their talk turned to the pet names they called their husbands.

Miz Ida turns to Miz Edna and says "I call mah husband sugah buns because he has such a
naice reah end." And Miz Edna says to Miz Ida, "I call mah husband sugah lips because his kisses
are so sweet."

Why Miz Ida and Miz Edna wait for Miss Blanche's mutual personal disclosure. Nothing is
forthcoming. Finally they ask her, "Don't you have a pet name for your husband?"

Miss Blanche, clears her throat gently. "I call mah husband Drambuie."

When the other two looked bewildered, Miz Blanche continued. "Because he is a fine fine likkah."