JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

The Irish Fisherman.....

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was
an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass,
cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", said the old man.

[JohnB]

A Hooker in Las Vegas..........

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a
fantastic-lookingVegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker,"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
$500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.
I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the
guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just
experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every
bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is
$1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or
so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed
than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want
to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

[Robertt S]

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY LADY, WHO HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.


I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

[JohnB]

  Head Case

 https://coub.com/tags/%E5%88%98%E8%89%BA%E5%85%89

[Robertt S]

I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.


The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter.


So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my ass year round.


The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.

[Robertt S]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
 One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
 As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
 floated, of all things, a condom!
 When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
 "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
 directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
 The pastor fainted.

[Willy The Londoner]

This gave me a really good laugh.

Are you going to be supporting Trump 2020?

Well the company producing 1000 flag banners a day at a dollar a time has received apublicity here.

American jobs, No made in China because it is cheaper here.

Willy

Strange that there is no additional US tarif imposed on this product

[JohnB]

Why Seniors Never Change Their Password



WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: Cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively..

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[JohnB]

A skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the
Irishman and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of
testicles, Turner Brown”

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him...... The big guy says, "What's
wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?”

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me........ I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my
name is Turner Brown”

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around"

[JohnB]

The light turned yellow as he approached the traffic lights. He did the right thing and stopped at the
crosswalk, even though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed
in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the
"What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to
Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.

I assumed you had stolen the car...." (Priceless)

[JohnB]

Turnabout

Woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a
note saying, "I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." and hid under
the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he
comes into the bedroom, she could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone,
"She's finally gone ... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy
French outfit, I love you".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears
in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote, "I can see your feet. Stop being retarded,
we're out of bread, put the kettle on, back in 5 minutes."


 

[JohnB]

[JohnB]

Sara a widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach in Sarasota, Florida. She looked up and noticed that
a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket
on the sand near hers, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied, and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and
it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy
cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[JohnB]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old
canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the

R!

We missed the

R!


We missed the bloody

R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.


The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was .


CELEBRATE!

[JohnB]