JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

_________________________________________________________________________________________


THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. ..... So Tray-Up, Bitchy Poo._________________________________________________________________________________________



Women Explained By Engineers


PART I   (Juniour Engineers Exam Paper)




PART II  



PART III




PART IV




PART V
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's one for Scottish Rob


The Scotsman

One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Aye,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey' asked the blonde

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

'Sweet Jesus! ....Aye, Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too Girl!!!'

[David5o]

THE BEST (Put Down) LINE EVER

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!"




General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, ....Are you???

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


_________________________________________________________________________________________

Sexy Russian Advert

Life in the Frozen North


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnt76FB-xj4



_________________________________________________________________________________________


Therapy

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

[David5o]

High Blood Pressure..!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"62kg," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's bloody high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"_________________________________________________________________________________________



OLD IS......


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick just one; ....I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are jokes?


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


We'll Sell Your House..!!

If you're thinking of selling your house then this could be the Estate Agent for you.





I just hope you get to choose which one,... get's to do the deed!!!!!.

[David5o]

Two Nuns.....

Two nuns are driving along a street at night and stop at a red light. Suddenly, from above, a vampire drops onto the bonnet. He looks at them with hunger in his eyes, and they know they have got to do something quick to save their very lives.

"Quick sister, show him your cross," says the quick thinking driver. At which the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts.....


"Get off the fucking bonnet, you bloody pointy tooth son of a bitch."


____________________________________________________________________________________________________



Cheer Up You Miserable B4st4rds


And you thought there was no such place, huh?
You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

...and here's some more to make you smile!!

[David5o]

________________________________________________________________________________________




Cypriot Men...


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Cypriot man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time.

.......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......She gasps...

......He whispers....


"Iron this, then get me a brandy, then you can get me something to eat.... i'm starveing"_________________________________________________________________________________________



  A Real Drinkings Man Bar!!!!

_________________________________________________________________________________________


Dutch department store


HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .
HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of
this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at http://producten.hema.nl/ HEMA's product page. You
can't order anything, and it's in Dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds
and watch what happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.

[David5o]

_________________________________________________________________________________________



The Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!">

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy, I don't tink I can do any more of tis. I'm pissed as a fart and me knees are f f f f**king killin me,  here so they are!!!"


Murphy said, "So how do you thinks I feel den? I lost the frigging sausage in the turd pub so i did!!

[David5o]

Girls Nite Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her panties and used them.

Her friend however, was wearing a expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them and she was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon, so she proceeded to use that.

After they were finished with their business, they proceeded to go
home.

The next day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, very hung over.
He phoned the other husband and said I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties'

That's nothing said the other husband, mine came back with a
card stuck to her ass that said.....

''FROM ALL OF THE GUY'S AT THE FIRE STATION, .....WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU''


_______________

[David5o]

The Lost Puppy!!




Wonder what the reward is?________________________________________________________________________________________


Government Health Warning!!....


DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE GUM!

_________________________________________________________________________________________




12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator:
'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets..'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[David5o]

Men Strike Back ....for a change!!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet! than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer Gut,
and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
Nothing. You’ve told her once already._________________________________________________________________________________________


Quick test for Alzheimers

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it.

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat,

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

-

-
Scroll down




Scroll down





Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on!...._________________________________________________________________________________________



The Little Firefighter!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right mister, .....but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[David5o]

The Money grabber Backfire!!

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desparately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their rooms, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".

[David5o]

Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
________________________________________________________________________________________




Old but Gold...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned Ice Cream Truck".

[David5o]

Chinese Flies

 A Chinese woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
_______________________________________________________________________________________


The posh call of nature


During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.


Oooooo, .... that silver tongued, smooth talking little bugger!!_______________________________________________________________________________________




Texan Favourite Position

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!!

[David E]

One more Blonde joke !!!

A blonde goes to a used car lot to buy a car....after discussion with the Salesman she sadly discovered she could not afford the model she had her eye on.

The sympathetic Salesman suggested that she might want to take a car out the back, which was the same model but had got some dents from hail damage...and it was $1000 dollars cheaper, which was within her budget.

He told her to take it home and blow very hard up the exhaust pipe and the dents would pop out, nobody would ever guess it had been damaged.

She duly took it home and next morning was furiously blowing up the exhaust pipe...to no avail.......

Her blonde next door neighbor leaned over the fence and enquired what she was doing.....

I am trying to blow up the exhaust pipe to pop out these dents...she replied.

Her neighbor laughed and said.."dont be silly, it will never work...........

YOU LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN "

[David5o]

Free Meat

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.

He offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 years old. She agreed.

He counted the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week came into the shop and said, "I'll be sixteen tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile. "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last sixteen years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Bob]

This is a old joke that some of you probably know,,

it's the old, old West, cowboys and Indians,,,

The cowboy walks into the saloon and goes to the bar, he says to the barman, "is that your horse out front?", the barman replies "yes, it is". The cowboy says to the barman, "if I can make your horse laugh,will you give me a free shot of whiskey?" The bar man thinks about it, and says "okay, you got a deal",,so the cowboy goes outside and whispers in the horses ear,,,the horse starts to laugh uncontrollably,,,the cowboy walks back into the saloon and says to the barman "you owe me a shot of whiskey". The barman gives him his free shot,,,The cowboy quickly swallows it down,,,,and puts his glass down on the bar and says to the barman, "If I can make your horse cry, will you give me another free shot of whiskey"?, The barman thinks to himself,,"sure, you got a deal",,,so the cowboy goes outside, and comes back in the saloon 3 minutes latter. The barman looks out the window and see's his horse crying!! The barman is so surprised, he asks the cowboy, "how did you do that!" The cowboy says "will you give me another free shot of whiskey if I tell you?", the barman say's " I will give you the whole bottle if you want". Okay said the cowboy, you have a deal,,,well he said, the first time I went outside I whispered in your horses ear and said "my penis is bigger then yours",,the horse started to laugh,,,the barman said,,well what did you do the second time to make my horse cry?  the cowboy replied " I SHOWED HIM".  :icon_cheesygrin: