JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Rental Agreement

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he
tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but
he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed
note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;


1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, there
wasn't any heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:

Dear sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't
blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.

[ahkiwi]

Here's one I made just for you guys

[David5o]

Broken Marriage...


Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. You're cheating or you don't love me
anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife
*****************
Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did
notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me
to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you
when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on
it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and ......FREE!!

[David5o]

Any Aussies Out There.....

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of turds, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hel_l out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."

[David5o]

THIS ONE'S JUST FOR YOU DAVID E

Foster Lager

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into
a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and
notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each
other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to
his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says
no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is
travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some
attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so
she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in
Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"


"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"


"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,² What number?"


He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.


"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still
live there!"



"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[David5o]

Redneck Joke: From A Mother With Love


Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

I've heard there were people like this in Americas backwoods....WOW!!

[David E]

Any Aussies Out There.....

Davo, Maaaate...nah, wouldnt happen in Banana bender country, more likely Sandgroper or Crow eater...

But maaaaate, I've spat the dummy, pulled the pin and shot through and done a runner, like a roo in a bushfire with its arse on fire.
Now I got the drum on the ROE here I dont want the occkers to think I'm a raw prawn, so i'll watch from the sidelines, flat out like a lizard drinking..but she'll be right maaaate......I didn't come down in the last shower.

D

[David5o]

David,

The one i said was for you , ...was the Fosters lager one... not the dunnie heaps one  haha!!

David....

[ahkiwi]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
--------------------------------------------

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
 
--------------------------------------------

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

--------------------------------------------

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

--------------------------------------------

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

--------------------------------------------

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

--------------------------------------------

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas

--------------------------------------------

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

--------------------------------------------

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

--------------------------------------------

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

--------------------------------------------

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

--------------------------------------------

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

--------------------------------------------

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

--------------------------------------------

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

--------------------------------------------

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

--------------------------------------------

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[David5o]

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he is going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way.

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! .......I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

[David5o]

A Guy's Logic


A man is dating three women and wants to decide
which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each of the women a present of $5000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a
fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make
up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she
has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much. The man was
impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos
for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much. Again the man was impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5000. She gives him back
his $5000 and has reinvested the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much. Obviously,
the man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each women
had done with the money he'd given her. Then he
married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like
that you know.

[Scottish_Rob]

David you crack me up mate.....ROFLMAO

[David5o]

Reincarnation


Gary came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Gary, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Gary was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Gary was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.


"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.


The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad" replies Gary, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".


"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid

an egg before".


"Never" replies Gary


"Well just relax and let it happen"


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Gary, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

[David E]

A Catholic Priest was walking one day in his garden, contemplating the meaning of everything and he heard a little voice.....

It said "Father, Father, over here...please help me"

The Priest started to search around for the source of this little voice...but could not find it

"Father, Father, over here....please help me" it said again.

Finally , after much searching, the Priest spied a little green frog, sitting on a stone at the side of the pathway.

The little green frog was saying..."Father, Father, it is me, please, please help me" !!

So the Priest went over to the little green frog and said, "Of course my little green frog, I will help you, that is what I do....I am a Catholic Preist...what is your problem ??"

The frog replied 'I am not really a little green frog, I am a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old and I have been turned into a little green frog by a wicked Witch"

"Oh, how terrible" replied the Priest.."what can I do to help you ?"

The little green frog replied  "I can only be turned back into a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old by staying the night on a Priest's pillow"

"Well, my son" the Priest replied "that is easy. I can do that for you"

So the Priest gently picked up the little green frog and took it home where he placed it tenderly on his pillow as he went to bed for the night.

And...sure enough, there in the morning was a fair-haired, blue eyed little boy of 9 years old !!!

And there, Your Honour, rests the case for the defence

[David5o]

Bra Sizes Explained.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen! and I can't get up
________________________________________________________________________________________





APPLICATION FOR* *MEMBERSHIP**

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in
Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went
to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his
application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that
he would have their decision in a couple of days.


Two days later he was told that his application was
refused. He went there to find out why.

He was asked, "You're Jewish,
aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a

circumcised man parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to

march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the
Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a
man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman