Widdle wabbit A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, l eans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python wealwy gives a thit."
Auzzie Humour..!! One thing about blokes from Austrailia, is that their hearts and humour are always on top form and in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was
asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to one hell of a thunderous applause from the audience.....
HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will
save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and.....
Make sure his nuts are wet.'.........
Good on ya mate!! .....that's worth at least a tinny or two in my books!!
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For a ...SPECIAL LADY! An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery shop one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it.
" The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
" I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I've just had Son?
"
Irish Math Test A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!" :angel:
The Irishman is now the New supervisor.
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store
ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find ahusband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely GoodLooking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!!!
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A Nice Little Earner !!! Apparently, a true story..........
Outside Bristol Zoo, there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.Then one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Er no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility"...
"Er no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
... "Er NO!"
Sitting in his villa in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...
Assuming 7 days week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million... (tax free)
And the best of luck to him too!!......... Now that's what you call INITUTIVE!! ...hahahaha!!
Biking one A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem: How to carry all of
his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I
live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot.
"The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in he
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time." She looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am
carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?
"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens."
I like the expression "ravish me!!"
Aye, you can't beat a good old ravishing!!!.... Can You??
