JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

HE ASKED FOR IT!


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"

HE DID ASK FOR IT!!!.......

[David5o]

HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF



Four married guys go golfing During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block

[David5o]

The bride tells her husband..................

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[Bob]

There's this couple sleeping in bed, suddenly they are awaken by a noise, the bedroom door swings open and it is a man with a knife! he tells the man to roll over onto his stomach and then ties his hands together, he then tells the same thing to the women, and then ties her hands together. The robber jumps onto the back of the female and kisses her neck and then whispers in her ear, suddenly the robber gets up and walks over to the bathroom, in the meantime the woman's husbands  turns to his wife and tells her " Honey, I think he wants to have sex, dear he looks very mean and probably just escaped from prison, he will kill us if you do not do what he wants, please be strong my dear and give him what he wants, perhaps after he will leave us alone, I love you" The wife turns and looks at her husband and says, "Dear, he whispered in my ear that likes you, and wondered if we have any Vaseline, I said yes we do, it is in the bathroom medicine cabinet, dear please be strong, i love you" :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.

2.Outside a hotel: Help We need inn-experienced people.

3.On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit Stay

5.At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont you will be.

6.On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

7.In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

8.Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, well wait.

10.In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional

And one from me, I saw it outside a bar in Limassol: BARMADE NEEDED.

[David5o]

Honeymoon Sex Report (in association with British Airways)


A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." ....Poor Mom Fainted...

[David5o]

Aging Intelligence!!....



How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator --
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

[David5o]

Obsessions


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers.

Mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."




______________________________________________________________________



He ad it coming!!!!!

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion



____________________________________________________________________________


A Convict Calls

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[David5o]

The Why's of Men ..

As written by a woman, ...of course!!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it's never happened)

[David5o]

The Naked Truth


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....        
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him=2 0around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a fortnight. I fart 10 times a day!!'

[David5o]

Swine flu up-date!!


I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu - I think he's just telling porkies!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of ‘oinkment’.

 

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS ITS ONLY SPAM.



This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

 

 Swine flu however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway!

News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu.  Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamdemic, don't believe the spam you're getting._________________________________________________________________________________________




Colin


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and
Flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.  

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
 
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.   How about half a million bucks then?'

'Nah, No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “Nah.”


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


   
Colin said,

'I want the white bastard here ...who pushed me in.'

[David5o]

If you think life is bad.....



How would you like to be an egg?



You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with at least 5 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a really good lay,

Oops....I mean day!!!!!

[David5o]

 PINK  CURTAINS

      A blonde goes to  K-Mart to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains..'

      The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

      He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

      Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

      The salesman then asks what length curtains she needs.

      The blonde promptly replies, '33 centimetres.'

      'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for ?'

      The blonde says,  'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

      The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

      The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.......'



______________________________________________________________________________



The British Solution to Saving Petrol

Prime Minister Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......
 
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....
When they catch any illegal immigrants crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him off to Iraq .....
Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.... .
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .... at our expense!!
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo......
Right!!, that's that Sorted, .... Problem solved!!!!!!

Next Problem, ...Please???

[David5o]

Australian Police Entrance Test



An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Now, that's a Great attitude," says the Sergeant. ......"So When can you start mate???"

[David5o]

A Question of Condoms

A father and his 10 year old son walk into a pharmacy. As they approach the register the son sees a stand with condoms and asks his father what they are for. Deciding to be honest to his son he tells him
"This is what men wear during sex."
"Ah yes, I think they told us something about this in school" replied the boy. He then went to the box that had 3 condoms and asked what they were for.
The father responded:
"This box is for high school students: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday"
"And the 6 pack" asked the young boy again
"That one is for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday" replied the father.
"And what about the 12 pack" asked the little boy.
"Well this is one is for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."