JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

If You Love Something...

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and never appears to have noticed,
that you actually set it free in the first place,

You either married it or gave birth to it!

[David5o]

____________________________________________________



What A Woman Wants in a Man!!...



Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[Voiceroveip]

Sorry this is translated so bear with me …

Once upon a time, there was this big department store where one could shop for a partner.
A woman arrives in the store to shop for a man and is greeted by a sales person. She explains that she can pick any man on the different floors of the shop and pay at checkout in the end. However, she can only visit the store once in her life so she should think well about her choice.
So the woman takes the escalator to the first floor, a sign says: "faithful men". Curious, she sees another escalator up and takes that one, the sign on the second floor says: "good looking faithful men".
Her excitement is beginning to rise and she takes another escalator to the third floor where the sign reads: "good looking faithful and romantic men".
She runs up the next escalator and the sign on the fourth floor says: "good looking romantic men, faithful and good lovers".
Now her excitement is at a climax, she rushes up yet another escalator only to find the fifth and last floor deserted.  A sign says: "this is the last floor, there are no men here". And of course no escalator downwards either.

A man arrives in the same store to shop for a woman, he is greeted by a sales person in the same way as the woman before.
On the first floor, the sign says "great looking women", he moves up one to the second floor and the sign there says: "Great looking women, great in bed and good cooks"
Nobody has ever been to the third floor in the men's section.

[David5o]

Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are.




Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:




You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Scroll Down












Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.









Second Question:






If you overtake the last person, then you are...?












Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?




Third Question:


Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.





Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?



Scroll down for answer.










Did you get 5000?











The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't! believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?











Answer:Nunu?








NO!Of course not.
Her name is Mary.Read the question again







Okay, now the bonus round:


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.




Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?









He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

[David5o]

__________________________________________________




King Arthur and Sir Lancelot

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princesses, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

"Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself".

"Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

"Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

Hahaha, ....If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get very UGLY, and for YOU too!!

[David E]

On the way to the football, Man decided to pop into the pub for a quick beer or two.

Whilst there he bought a raffle ticket and was surprised and pleased to find that he had won first prize....which was a very large, live Goose.

Thinking he would take it home after the footie and kill and clean it up and cook it for dinner, he tucked it under his arm and went to the ticket office and bought his ticket for the footie.
On arriving at the gate, the Security guard told him he could not bring the goose into the football ground because all animals were not allowed in.

Not wanting to lose the goose, or forfeit his ticket which he already paid for, he nipped down a laneway and stuffed the goose down his trousers, went back to the gate and was let into the footie ground where he went to his seat.

he sat down next to two old Ladies and watched the football.

After about 20 minutes, the goose got very restless and short of air and managed to work its head out through the Guys zip.

Little old Lady sitting next to him saw what was happening and with wide eyes leaned over to her friend next to her and said.." Ethel, you must see this.....this Guy next to me is exposing himself...I can see his penis. To which her friend Ethel responded in a bored voice..."so what, I'm not interested in that, at our age its not important....seen one, seen 'em all"

Her friend responded........"yes I know, but you never before seen one like this..........it's just eaten half my bag of potatoe crisps "!!!!

DavidE

[David E]

A Scotsman in  skirt (sorry...Kilt) was approached by some young Ladies who asked

" Is it true about what Scotsmen keep up their Kilts "

He replied..." Put your hand up and check for yourself'

She did just that and said

 "oooooh....its gruesome !!!!"

To which said Scotsman replied......

"Do it again...its grew-some more " !!!!!!!

DavidE

[David E]

Notice tto all Employees...new Training Incentives

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.l.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.l.T. than any one else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don’t take S.H.l.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.l.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct them to:

HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.

(H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

 

 

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training

(BIG SHIT)

[David5o]

DOGS


Top ten things dogs hate about humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. HELLO, ...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment, for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. And hey!! ....sometimes I smell fish.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello , Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just dam right jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your bloody shit do you??

[David5o]

The Anti-British Sign ?


SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

God Bless The Welsh _____________________________________________________________



Obsessions.....


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers.

Mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[David5o]

Optical Illusions

Looking for a crazy optical illusion... this is sure one of the craziest we've seen. Totally straight lines, but it sure looks like this wacky checkerboard is bulging right off the screen. If you don't believe it, just hold a peice of paper up to test the straightness of all the lines.


http://www.coolopticalillusions.com/crazy/images/free_optical_illusion_bulgi.gif

[David5o]

Smile ......you miserable lot







My guess is: The man is saying, or thinking.......

"Core!!!!!! If this fence wasn't in the way, I'd stick one right in your box hedge........


I think i posted this before.... but the picture got lost .....from the original posting

[David5o]

The Traveling Public!!!


> Can you believe??? :A Washington, DC, airport
> ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

> 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
> her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

>2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, I
> started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then
> she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
> Capetown is in Massachusetts."
> Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod
> is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa "Her response - click.

>3 A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
>did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

>4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
>England from Canada?"
> I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG,
> again!)

>5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
> in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
> layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
> said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
> between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

>6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
> possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at
> 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
> she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
> the plane went fast, and she bought that.

>7 A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
>description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
> I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in
> with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
> overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a
> minute while I looked into it (I couldnt stop laughing), I came back and
> explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

>8.. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
> going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
> California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>
> 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
> do I know which plane to get on?"
> I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
> flight number is 823, but none of thes e planes have numbers on them."
>
>10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida
>. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
> I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. On a commuter plane. She
> said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
>
> 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
> needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
> passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
> been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
> I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a Visa. When I told
> him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
> they have accepted my American Express!"
>
>12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
>from Chicago to Rhino, New York."I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Y es, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! " So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."



______________________________________________



More about swine fever and our Friends...

[David5o]

The New Bride


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom.

'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me..
'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
God I miss him.
'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
To which she replied,
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . ..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

[David5o]

Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived all those God dammed bitches.'


_________________________________________



Plastic Surgery


A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and explained that certain parts of her lower regions had become loose and flabby.
The surgeon said he could sort this out for her no problem.
Obviously being very embarrassed in what she had to have done, she asked if they could keep it between themselves to which he agreed.
On awakening from the operation, she noticed 3 red roses next to her bed so when the surgeon came into her room she was not pleased.
"You promised this would be between us, who are the roses from?" said the woman
''Don't be alarmed, said the surgeon,''one is from myself as I performed the operation and was pleased it went well, another is from the nurse who assisted me during the operation''
''And the third?'' she asked,
''Oh that's from the gentleman in ward 5 who has thanked you
for his new ears''.




Apple does it again....

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained

about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them


___________________________________________________




The law of laws

.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering...are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go,... there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible... if you don't know what you are talking about.  

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.