JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

CHEESE

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Chicken Sandwich: $2.15
Ham Sandwich: $1.75
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Side Services
Hand Job: $ 10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, 'I am."

Replies the man, Well, then, wash your bloody hands because I want a
CHEESE SANDWICH!"

[David5o]

Holy Prostitutes


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 KILOMETRES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 KILOMETRES

Suddenly he begins to realise that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! My son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE MY SON, FOR.....YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.

THIS SERVES YOU RIGHT MY SON, FOR YOU ART A SINNER!!
________________________________________________


This Was Sent To Me Today........

Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and screw you big time.....

Lots of love,

Petrol prices xx  :angel:

Ain't that the truth too!!!!!

[David5o]

Jokes Of The Day!!!


The rich lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
“I wanna watch.”


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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."


________________________________________________



One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynecologist ........"

[David5o]

Lady Golfer!!



A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his prick was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Oh yes, ...That's when, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[David5o]

The Burial....


An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jewsih man go to the burial of their old friend Ivan.

The Englishman stands over the grave and says: 'I owed Ivan $20' and threw the money in the grave.

The Scotsman stands over the grave and says: 'I owed Ivan $50' and threw the money in the grave.

The Jewish man says 'I owed Ivan $30. So he writes a cheque for $100 and throws it in the grave, then takes out the $70 as change'


________________________________________________________



An Atheist in the Woods


An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
A 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."



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Good service....


Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what," we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

[David5o]

A Bit of FUN At Cyprus's Expense ...lol!!


http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Cyprus

[David5o]

There's A Moral Here!!...




In 1923, Who Was:


1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

ANSWERS

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

However,
in that same year,
1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of
the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.


The Moral:






Phuck work.
Play golf.



_____________________________________________________



THE THREE LITTLE PIGS


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .....'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



________________________________________________________



The Priest's Smut!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, 'I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!'

'What did you do?' the other nuns asked.

'Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.'

The second nun said, 'Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.'

'Oh my,' gasped the other nuns.

'What did you do?' they asked.

'I poked holes in all of them,' she replied.

The third nun said, 'Ohhhh  Shittttt !!!!'

[David5o]

Just a Few!!!!...


Andrew Lloyd Webber walks into Burger King and says "Give me two whoppers". The server says "you are really good looking and your musicals are fucking brilliant".


I've found out that if you run out of KY jelly and are really desperate, foreplay will work too.


Isn't it ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?


Isn't it ironic that disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run round in?


Prince Philip and the Queen were dining at a top London restaurant. Philip orders - "two very rare steaks, good fellow".
The waiter replies "Does his royal highness mean two bloody steaks?".
Philip replies "Yes, good chap, two bloody steaks"

The Queen pipes up "and plenty of fucking chips too"



_________________________________________________________


A Plane Journey.........

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


_______________________________________________________


A Touching African Story


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

I guess it Probably wasn't the same elephant then!!!!

[David5o]

A funny video called, ...The Horny Skeleton!!




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4

[David K]

A funny video called, ...The Horny Skeleton!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBmfMkFECa4

FWIW, Whenever I tried to access YouTube in my Shenzhen hotel,  my system simply froze. ( I understand that Youtube access is restricted in most of China.)
So when there is something I want my lovely lady to enjoy, I download it (DwHelper) and convert it to AVI or WMV and then send it to her as an EMAIL attachement  :idea:

[David5o]

David K,

I take it your going to download this one, convert it and send it on to her too??  ...hahaha!!


David....

[wilsbrough]

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, the Dublin public swimming pool has announced it will be closing lanes 5 and 6 until further notice....

[David K]

David K,
 I take it your going to download this one, convert it and send it        on    to her too??  ...hahaha!!
David....

[/i]

Likely not.
She shows a distinct preference to the fully fleshed version

:icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

Never Piss Off A Nurse!!.....

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the
thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Of course sir, but Never with a Carnation."
___________________________________________________



NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up'

' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?'

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box'


Footnote: Nothing will bite unless you get your tackle out!! :icon_rolleyes:  :huh:

[David5o]

Mother And Her Little Girl.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied,’ it’s not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex..'



________________________________________________________-



A Brave Englishman


An Englishman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the Englishman offered.

"Once, on holidays in Cyprus I went for a walk down bar street in Paphos,

I came across a gang of Pontians, who were threatening a young tourist girl.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed

Pontian and smacked him in his face, kicked him in the nuts,

ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the

lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed,



"When did this happen?"



"Just a couple minutes ago..."


____________________________________________________



Every-, Some-, Any-, and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could ...


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