The Centipede This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS...... A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!! ....OK'
Lizard Birth! If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she enquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. . . teeny little ' ....She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more!!!!
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: 140 Euros
One cage: 50 Euros
Trip to the vet: 30 Euros
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkle:
........That's Priceless!!! Moral of the story: You should of Paid attention in biology class....
Because, then you would have known that
.......All Lizards lay eggs!! Remember!! ...
