JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Christmas Fairy Story!!!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toybag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated,Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[David5o]

New Pharmacy Counter Products


_______________________________________

Newfoundland Couple

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community. After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor anywhere near.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into a wild, screaming, ear-splitting climax.

Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!'

[David5o]

Pussycats!!!

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

[David5o]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently

returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.________



Two Old Guys


 Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
''Then the bloody Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[David5o]

Poor Old Dave!!

This joke is even older than the Mummy Mummy joke and probably as sad.



Poor old Dave, he has serious problems and even Viagra will not help.
His doctor has tried everything and only has one last thing to try.
"Go down town and see my friend the witch doctor" he says.

Dave is desperate so he goes along to see Willie the witch doctor.

Willie says " I can help you with this special potion, take it and you will be granted three
wonderful moments of passion with your wife and it will cost you 300 Cyprus pounds"
Dave is uncertain but thought why not , it is worth a try and buys the potion.
"You will have to take it now as I chant the magic words said Willie and afterwards
when you are ready to make love say honk and when you want to finish say honk honk"
Dave drinks the potion and thinks hey , I should be at home with my wife.
On his way home he starts to have some doubts so stops in a doorway.
"Honk" he whispers and whooooaaaaa - Life comes to a certain member that has not stirred for many a year.
He is so embarrassed by this that he immediately shouts "honk honk" and much to his relief
things return to normal.

"Must get home to my wife Dot and give her a special treat" he says but in his haste he steps in
front of a car as he crosses the road
"Honk" goes the car "Honk Honk" says dave to cover his embarrassment.

Dave is frantic now and rushes indoors and shouts to Dot
"Get upstairs and be prepared for the time of your life"
They rush upstairs and jump onto the bed
"Honk" says Dave
"What's all this f**cking Honk Honk business" says Dot!!!!!

[David5o]

One For Scottish Rob...haha!!

Scotsmans Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's wadger. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"_____


The Parrot!!!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'Sir, ...May I ask what the turkey did?'

[David5o]

DONALD & DAISY

(A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY )


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night

together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have

sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out

from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,

"What kind of a bloody pervert do you think I am?"

[David5o]

Scottish Cheese Scones

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand
trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when
his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...



'F**ck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!'

[David5o]

Dealing with Rude Customers

   
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in  Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as  
cargo.


A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers..


Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight  
and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.


The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'


The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
''Fuck You!!!'' .....Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

 

''I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!.''

[David5o]

Big People Words


This is funny.. Only from a teacher!!!....

       
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to  Pre  School ....

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO" baby talk!!!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
 
'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your ''GRANDMOTHER''. ...Use 'Big People' words!'
 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
 
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.She said.

'No, you took a ride on a ''TRAIN''. ....You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
 
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,




''Winnie the SHIT''.

[Voiceroveip]

Dinner plans

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[David5o]

Elderly Couple


An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her ass. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

[David5o]

Great Quote!!!

A British Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., British, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, the British and Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied 'Maybe it s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German ...old boy!!.'

___________________________________________



Smart Pills.....

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate some of them and said, ''Jeez, ....These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''


___________________________________________



Stop Choking - ''Aussie style''

 A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody ''Hind Lick Manoeuvre'', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it, ya did well mate!!"

[David5o]

Celibacy


Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered

"Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy........................................................(following his stint in hospital) !!



__________________________________________


Church Joke!!!


It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was
seated in the pews and talking quietly.

Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.
He sat calmly seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I
am?"

"Yup, sure do." said the old gentleman.

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.

"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"Yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me"?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied,

"Hell, ....I've Been
married to your sister for 48 God Dammed Years."


________________________________________


The Secretary!!!.....


Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.''

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


Naked.

[David5o]

Great Cypriot Sex


 The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (goose fat).

We made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.

We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Cypriot man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread!'