JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Brickies!


This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank ashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and
said.......................

'I think so, ......Provided those wankers down at JEWSONS* deliver the fucking
bricks this week.'
 
(Note: *Jewsons is a well known builders merchants in the UK)
 
Ah, ....Out of the mouth of babes! ....hahaha!!

[David5o]

 Made in China

[David5o]

GRANDMA'S ORANGES

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly; Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not wanting to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still
going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

............The policeman fainted!!

[David5o]

Two Old Men


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,   'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS
AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.   THESE TWO ARE SO OLD
AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD
AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD !'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, ' WHY DO YOU SAY THAT ? '

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND
ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS,  ' COULD BE WORSE,  I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. '
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND ALL,
AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,  THEN SUDDENLY,  
SHE FARTED, AND WHOOOSH FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...

.......SHE TOOK ME TEETH WITH HER TOO!!!
Priest & The Hairdryer?

Getting a hairdryer through customs...
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
 
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
 hair dryer for my
 Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie.'

 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question
 you.'.When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
 
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. .......NEXT!'

[David5o]

Did you know

Male or Female??  You  might not have known this, but a lot of non-living  objects are actually either male or female. Here  are some examples.....


FREEZER  BAGS:
They are male, because they hold  everything in, but you can see right through  them.        
 
PHOTOCOPIERS:  
These are female, because once turned off;  it takes a while to warm them up again. They  are an effective reproductive device if the  right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak  havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.          
 
TIRES:  
Tires are male, because they go bald easily  and are often over inflated

HOT  AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get  them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire  under their butt.

SPONGES:  These are female, because they are soft,  squeezable and retain water.

WEB  PAGES:
Female,  because they're constantly being looked at  and frequently getting hit  on.

TRAINS:  
Definitely male, because they always use the  same old lines for picking up  people.

EGG  TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over  time, all the weight shifts to the  bottom.  

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years,  they've hardly changed at all, and are  occasionally handy to have around.  

THE  REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought  it would  be  male, but consider this: It easily gives a man  pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he  doesn't always know which buttons to push, he  just keeps trying !

HOW VERY TRUE !!!!!!!!

[Vince G]

Did you know

Seems to be written by a Female.

[David5o]

Beware of the Broccoli Casserole


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for
Christmas dinner.
 
This is to be her first time meeting with the family and she is
very nervous.
 
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
 
The woman started to feel a little dis comfort , thanks to her

nervousness and the broccoli casserole, it was a gas pain.

But the gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
 
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
 
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!!'.
 
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
 
A couple of minutes later, she began to feel the pain again.
 
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
 
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!! get out of there.....' But Skippy just kept snoozing
 
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.  This time she didn't even think about it.
 
She let a fat rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with absolute disgust and
yelled, 'Skippy,  get away from her Noooooow, before she ends up shiting on you!'
 
 That's One silly Dog if you ask me .....hahaha!!NEW PHRASES FOR 2009


* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop-up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to
stay home with the kids or start a "home business"
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
needless paperwork and processes.

[David5o]

An Obituary printed in the London Times

 
CLEVER, BUT OH!! ...SO VERY TRUE!!

An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,   since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 7 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
I'm alright Jack
I'm a job's-worth
I didn't make these silly rules......

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

I think the sane and best thing anyone can do is to pass this on..... if not you join the majority and do nothing.  Let Common Sense back into our life's!!!!

[David5o]

The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[David5o]

Do it all yourselfTAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You  take her to  bed and tell her a story.  

At 18 -- You  tell her a  story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You  don't need  to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She  tells you a  story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She  tells you a  story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You  stay in bed  to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If  you take her  to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What  story???  What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[David5o]

Stop Yelling in the House


click on the picture to enlarge



Ooooops!!............Happy at work?


http://youtube.com/watch?v=IzBy6agXKoA

Maybe not!!!!!!!

[David5o]

The Scottish Bar Stool

Scottish Bar Stool for the Kilt Wearer





I think i'd need mine made to measure.... haha!!

[Scottish_Rob]

Heheheheheh :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:LMAO

The Middle Wife'

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

This has got to be one of the funniest stories I have EVER heard.  LMAO

[David5o]

Office Romance

 
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

 Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, ......."The bastard used coins!"

 Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting, ......   Screwed!      


 

 Dam, .......Smart Arsed Again !!Too old to squat!

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the
mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned
all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do
something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself
in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of
the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the
beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the
thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There
really is no justice in the world.'
The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'
 
The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I
enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
 
Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild,
and I'm now far too old to squat.'

[Scottish_Rob]

Not sure if this is just a sick coincidence but...

in 2007, it was the Chinese year of the Chicken, what happened, Bird Flu Pandemic devastated parts of Asia.

In 2008, it was the Chinese year of the Horse, what happened, Eqine Ifluenza decimated Australian Racing.

In 2009 it was the Chinese year of the Pig, what's happening, Swine Flu kills hundreds of Pigs and people around the globe.

Has anyone else noticed this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse....

In 2010 it is the Chinese year of the Cock....What could possibly go wrong???