JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Pineau]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.

CANADIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact, yes they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Pineau]

犯人收到妻子来信:你进去了，咱家的几亩地没人翻，公婆干不动，我得看孩子.他回信:千万別翻，地里埋着枪呢。一月后他妻子回信:一帮警察把咱家地翻了好几遍.枪藏哪了？回信:没枪，你赶紧种地吧，其它忙我也帮不了你。哈哈哈哈!!
 

[Willy The Londoner]

犯人收到妻子来信:你进去了，咱家的几亩地没人翻，公婆干不动，我得看孩子.他回信:千万別翻，地里埋着枪呢。一月后他妻子回信:一帮警察把咱家地翻了好几遍.枪藏哪了？回信:没枪，你赶紧种地吧，其它忙我也帮不了你。哈哈哈哈!!

It maybe not as funny using Google Translate

Prisoners received a letter from his wife: you go in our house a few acres of land nobody turn, dry laws do not move, I have to babysit him reply: Do not turn, the ground buried the gun yet. In January after his wife reply: a bunch of police to our house several times to turn the gun where the Tibetan.? Reply: no gun, you quickly farming it, other busy I can not help you. Hahahaha!!

Willy

[Pineau]

I bet your wife understood it.  For the benefits of others. I am sure you already knew the punch line Willy.

Basically the jest of it is that a wife writes a letter to her husband who is in prison.  The field of our farm needs plowed and I cant manage it and there is no one to help.  Husband replies do not plow the fields because that is where he hid the gun.  Later the wife replies that the fields have been plowed by several visit from the police (who are looking for the gun) .

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

 

[JohnB]

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

[Robertt S]

 

[JohnB]

When insults had class....
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease".
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".

"He had delusions of adequacy.". - Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.". - Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.". - Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.". - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.". - Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.". - Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.". - Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.". - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.". - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.". - Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.". - John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.". - Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.". - Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.".- Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.". - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.". - Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?". - Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.". - Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.". - Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.". - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.". - Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.". - Groucho Marx.

[JohnB]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[JohnB]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1688422404726169

[Pineau]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Robertt S]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
 A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
 She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
 She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
 The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
 The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
 He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish bait is $3.50

[Robertt S]

[JohnB]

well Mr Robert, there was a half- way acceptance to the metric system back then...& still is. the common denominator being no fractions.
so build measurements are typically inches and decimals. the metric system is divided in multiples of ten and so is product build in inches
divided in multiples of ten.

when it comes down to "weights & measures" it is a sad story. 
I hate the 12oz bottles. I hate the "pint"/ "pounders"/ whatever that is, because when it washes down maybe the glass is just a mere 14oz anyway.
A liter glass is the only way. I figure if the beer gardens in Germany do it, so should we!

anyway, I was bored enough to go on- line & add my 2- cents. so be it.

I came across this the other day.

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told
the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy,
"You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't
you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge
of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the
Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!" 

Seems as if I came across this joke 50 years ago...