Author Topic: I miss her. How do you deal with it?  (Read 5359 times)

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Offline Andy

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I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« on: November 11, 2009, 11:06:26 am »
Since I get back home I have started to miss her. Even after 6 months of EMF letters now it feel just we really started our relationship. Yesterday after three hours of QQ sessions I did feel good, but it did not last long before I started to miss her again.  I have never had a long distance relationship. I know some of you guys are even far more advanced into your relationship and maybe you can give me some advice how to deal with this.

Offline Irishman

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2009, 11:18:46 am »
Here's how it goes for me.

I cannot almost bear it first couple of days back. I keep waking up thinking I'm back in China an shes there beside me but shes not...
That stops and you stop thinking of her every second to maybe only once a minute, then onean hour, but probably not more than that ever.
Because you are starved of sensory input from her, every contact becomes much more important, every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any.

When you realise you are at this stage you need to pull back re-asses and get a second opinion from the brotherhood before you do something stupid!
Become the change you want today, or all your tomorrows will be like yesterday.

Offline Andy

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2009, 12:35:33 pm »
I am not far ahead of my relationship with my lady as you are and I did not encountered those "symptoms". However I can see myself having those problems in the future. First couple of days at home I had the weird feeling that I am in China when I just woke up and before I opened my eye. It passed now as I know longer getting this feeling when I wake up. It was certainly a new thing for me.

Offline Neil

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2009, 02:30:33 pm »
It was weird for me too.  The first week we moved onto direct contact via QQ.  Bad translations, bad connections, mixed in with fantastic moments of pure joy and a little sadness.  The first month was a lot of loving and learning.  The second month was tougher.  She got busy, I got busy, translations got worse, we would go a week without contact and then feel frantic and miss each other terribly, have some great conversations and then back to time apart.  Now we're finally finding our balance.  We don't really have a schedule but we make time and keep each other informed about what is happening in our lives.  

As a side note, not to hijack this thread - Nina finally got my package I sent over a month ago.  Language cd's, a movie with Chinese subtitles and a letter from my Mother (who she calls her mother) that she can't stop gushing and raving about.  It's moments like this that make it all worthwhile.  

For advice, I'd say, find your balance.  It will take time, it will take some ups and downs.  It's different for everyone.  For me balance means understanding and a sense of calm acceptance.  Nothing I can do will change things quickly so we have to wait out the storm.  

Like Irish says, never forget the 24 hour rule.  Those shadows of doubt can be killer.  Have faith, trust and love and it'll all work out good in the end.
Oh, one more thing.  Keep busy.  You'll drive yourself insane sitting at the computer waiting for her to come online, waiting for that email to show up.  Get out, live your life, be the man that she fell in love with or be the man that she needs you to be.  

It was hard for me because I don't have television, I use the computer for entertainment so I'm on it often.  Sitting there, you become painfully aware how long it has been since you've last talked.  I've had to find other things to occupy my time, and in the process have lost a lot of weight, gotten in better shape and started eating a lot healthier.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2009, 02:34:26 pm by Neil »
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Offline JimB

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2009, 06:54:54 pm »
Pal, it gets worse once you are married.  I talk to her twice a day on QQ.  we see each other and talk but after I am off I go into withdrawl.  You start planning on the next trip.  Try to focus on that rather than on the last time.  Try to look ahead.  I actually have a pillow I named for her.  That way I can hold it at night.  For me it seems to be getting worse now that it has been a month since i have been back.  I spent 2 months with her and i got used to sleeping with her every night.  used to being able to cuddle and spoon.  That is the hard part.  even if it was on a hard as a rock bed.  LOL.
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Offline maxx

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2009, 07:43:38 pm »
Me and my wife had a schedule 2 web cams a day and 1 letter.Then I would go and visit every 3 or 4 months.Until she received her visa.

Irishman and Neil hit on a good point.The 24 hour rule must be followed.If you do not follow the 24 hour rule Your own doubts and fears.And uncertainty will destroy your relationship.That is why I counsel you guys to get out of your own heads.You get to thinking to much.Then you over think it.Then you have said something to your lady that can't be taken back and then it is all over with.And your standing there going what happened what did I do.Consequines and repercutions of your actions.Think about it before you do it.

Offline Andy

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2009, 08:21:39 pm »
Great advices! I think that I will get busy. I will join a health club and also spend some time with my brother and my niece on the weekends. Over thinking is a serious problem with me and also I need to leave all doubt behind. I think that in later time it will get worst before it gets better so I hope to be ready for it. Jim you named a pillow after her? :icon_biggrin: Great idea to keep her close.

Offline Willy The Londoner

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2009, 08:26:14 pm »
Well Andy I am just so glad that I do not have to go through that heartache.

It is bad enough when I go back to the UK for a week.  God knows what it would be like for weeks on end, months I could not take.

I take my hat off to all those who have to live apart.


Willy
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Offline mustfocus

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2009, 09:09:45 pm »
Quote from: 'Andy' pid='22611' dateline='1257955586'

Since I get back home I have started to miss her. Even after 6 months of EMF letters now it feel just we really started our relationship. Yesterday after three hours of QQ sessions I did feel good, but it did not last long before I started to miss her again.  I have never had a long distance relationship. I know some of you guys are even far more advanced into your relationship and maybe you can give me some advice how to deal with this.


Hi Andy,

I know it hurts and you miss her, but think about it this way...the more you miss her now, the better it will be when you are together again.  Also consider what she's going through.  It could be just as bad if not worse for her.

As some of the other guys have mentioned, do keep busy.  But you can also think of ways to keep in each other's thoughts as well.  Set up a schedule where you can see (sorta) each other and always be sending messages to each other.

And always look towards the future when you can be together again.
梦醒时分 - Meng Xing Shi Fen

Arnold

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2009, 12:25:17 am »
haha , Jim B. you and me are doing the same ... with the Pillow . After my first Wife passed away , I took her Nightgown that she wore last and alway's placed it on her Pillow and than Cuddled it to fall asleep . I even took it to Germany in '07 . did that for some six month's .
Now , I do it but with the Pillow only and pretend it's my Wife ( Qing ) , but soon it's the real thing .

brett

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2009, 03:44:01 am »
Good useful thread! I am in the same boat.

The first afternoon without my lady I was distraught. The first week without her was very tough and it is not a good week to make any sort of decision (witness my minor meltdown here!) The 24 hour rule saved my relationship. I would also say that it's not good to make major decisions in China, wait until you get home, then wait until you recover from the trip (I was exhausted for 2 whole weeks after getting back, but I was quite ill out there).

I don't talk to my lady much at the moment. Sometimes I send her text messages but she doesn't always reply. I do have bouts of paranoia but I have to face up to it that the time difference is a nightmare, and my lady is now very busy and extremely tired to the point that she is making herself ill through overwork. She has worked 7 days a week since I saw her last month. Gentleman, please remember that all that cheap crap you buy from China is exacting a very heavy price on its overworked and underpaid workforce :exclamation:.

I still have some doubts about our relationship. We need to talk more. I haven't been EMF'ing too much as I'm getting increasingly aware that the more we use their services the larger my lady's eventual bill might be.

Sometimes I look at the lady profiles on chnlove, but it's just window shopping really. I think this is a good sign I have made the right choice.

I am making some progress with my Mandarin course, but uncertainties about my relationship mean I am not yet fully committed to learning. To be honest I should have waited until she was here with me, then I could have reviewed the lessons with her when I got home.

I am gradually getting on with my life. I think that is important. I do think about my lady a lot (maybe even constantly). I've lost interest in other things like the daily news. I do post my lady things - I have told her to keep everything I send as proof of our relationship.

I want to see my lady again, but I am waiting to speak to her about our next plans. It drives me nuts that she hasn't yet decided what to do, but I guess our ladies do like to take things slowly.

P.S. As to the postal service, everything I have sent from the UK has reached my lady (in deepest Hubei Province). However my postcards still have not arrived home, which has caused me to lose serious face with my family :icon_cheesygrin:.

Arnold

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2009, 09:15:10 am »
Quote from: 'brett' pid='22672' dateline='1258015441'

P.S. As to the postal service, everything I have sent from the UK has reached my lady (in deepest Hubei Province). However my postcards still have not arrived home, which has caused me to lose serious face with my family :icon_cheesygrin:.


Yes , I have send a couple Post Card's from China ( SH ) they never got there . But the three I have send from Hong Kong last Trip , they made it to America and Germany in five day's ... go figure ?

brett

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2009, 10:25:12 am »
Sorry to threadjack... but stop press - my postcard arrived, 25 days after I sent it!!!

I'm still missing my lady - again we haven't talked today grrrr.

David5o

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2009, 10:35:26 am »
Brett,

 A couple of points from your post...  Can you explain how sending EMF's to your lady is going to increase her final/eventual bill with her agency?? She already knows the eventual bill, she has a signed contract telling her!! As far as the EMF's are conserned, your paying for them, so that in no-way is going to increase her bill!!!!!!

You keep calling the salary of your lady ''slave money'', it may well be compared to western salaries, but she isn't working in any of them, she's working in China, and frankly that's the going rate. Her bills and taxes are miniscule to what you pay, and her cost of living is also miniscule to yours. Everything is relevant my friend.

Now.... if i remember correctly, we were saying the same things about Japanese goods back in the 60's, as in that they were all ''crap''!! Now look at what Japan has achieved in those years since then!!  The same thing will happen with China, only it wont take them as long.....


David......

Offline JimB

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RE: I miss her. How do you deal with it?
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2009, 10:43:38 am »
She tells me she wants the pillow when she gets here because of all of the love that is in it.  We still chat twice a day.  it is the best time of day for me and if we dont do it for some reason, I get to missing her more.  Sometimes it is difficult to think of things to say because we talk twice but, just everyday stuff makes us feel like we are together anyway.  Brett, I think it is important to keep the communication going, work gets in the way and most Chinese have a great work ethic so it is a difficult choice for them at times.  Because my wife is a surgical nurse in a small hospital she gets called in any time of day or night if an emergency happens.  She never tells them no of course.  

Arnold I am really jealous of you man.  8 more days then your life starts for real.  Right now I feel I am in a holding pattern.

If it werent for my daughter being pregnant and Bobby leaving for the war, I would go back for a month now.  But I have to wait until February.
Maxx's 24 hour rule, learn it, live it.