Maybe it was too good to be true after all...

[Hans]

My plan is to visit my lady in Zhanjiang in late December. Everything is set, the travel plan from Stockholm, the one night stay in Guangzhou, the short flight to Zhanjiang the day after and the hotel reservation in Zhanjiang. It's been a bit complicated to sew it all together on my own but now I have managed to do it. It is the biggest and most complicated trip I've ever made and of course the most emotional one. Well, you all know the deal.

Then I get an email in Chinese from my lady saying that she has something we need to discuss, which she will explain in a EMF letter. I instantly get a bad feeling about it, she usually doesn't express herself like that. Now I have received her letter and in my mind it's not good.

It turns out, she writes, her friend will marry in Guiyang city on the exact day I will arrive, December 29th, and she has been asked to be the maid of honor. So she needs to be there and suggests we could go there together. I have no idea how long she will stay there (what is the average length of a Chinese wedding ceremony/party?) or how she will get there, by train, bus or plane. She did not give any details at all but writes "Once we there, we can plan our later trips. And don't worry, I'm sure we can arrange a good way for you to catch up the plane back to Sweden in time!" This is after I have made a 9 day hotel reservation in Zhanjiang.

My lady has been talking a lot about that she wants to make plans in good time before she does anything and now she suddenly throws this in my lap. This is not like her at all, she has been very careful and caring all the time, asking what I think about this and that, wanting to discuss things in detail and share opinions. And now this.

I am too angry and disappointed right now to think straight, maybe I am overreacting and I will certainly follow the 24 hour rule here so that I won't do anything stupid.

I guess I just want to hear your thoughts about all this. :-/

[Willy The Londoner]

Well Hans,

Do not panic - you will have to get used to your Chinese lady springing things on you almost at the last minute.   It is almost a national pastime for them.

I doubt if anyone has been here and not had the last minute event sprung on them.   Now I am here permanently I get that so regulary that I am now suprised if it does not occur.

Keep to the 24 hour rule - that is the only rule one should stick to.   Do not forget that she has had the friend for much longer than you have been in her life.  

After the journey you are going to make I doubt if you are going to want to be at a wedding party the same day - but she really wants to show off her foreigner boyfriend.

I would suggest to all that when you meet your lady for the first time that it is only you and her together and maybe a translator as that will give you a chance to getto know each other being meeting family and friends.

It can be a bit overpowering to meet family members on that first couple of day as I know to my first experience here.

Willy

[Scottish_Rob]

24 hour rule is a must on this one Hans...

Everything will work out right, you'll see...As Willy mentions they tend to spring last minute deals onto you...
Good luck my friend

[shaun]

What the two above me said.  This appears to only be a small bump in the road.  Take the 24 and then put a smile on your face and say yes dear.  From what I understand you will be saying that a lot.  Don't worry the two of you will work it out.  The bright side?  She is ready to show you off.

Shaun

[brett]

Yeah the 24 hour rule is important here.

My lady is no different in being reluctant to tell me really important things :@.

BTW you can sometimes change flight and hotel bookings, could you leave earlier? It would be good to go to a wedding, but not so good if it's the first day with your lady.

[Danny]

Hans

It is important to watch what people do, rather than what they say. I would say nothing about what she has done, but still I would take it into consideration.

It might mean nothing at all, but then again, it might be a pattern of behaviour, where your face, wishes, happiness, don't count for a whole lot.

I think this is a situation where it is best to smile a lot and just flow along with what she has arranged. Say nothing about what has happened. Be a man about it. I am saying this because it is easy to just throw it all away, in one way or another, in a situation like this.

If my own experience is any guide, I reckon there is a high probability that she will do just as she says, and she will plan out some trips with you, and you will have a very enjoyable holiday, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

My suggestion, is to go along with what she has planned, and then if you enjoy this, then see what happens.

If you're not enjoying your holiday, then tear open the envelope labelled, Plan B . . . don't leave home without a Plan B.

Good luck!

Danny

[Hans]

Thanks for the input guys. You are always so calm! :icon_cool:

So none of you regard this as disrespect, then? I mean, there's always a limit to things, a limit where smiling and saying yes means letting other people step on you. I'm not saying the limit has been reached here but I am not ready to throw myself into anything just to please a lady I have never met.

I don't mind going to a wedding per se, but like you say, Brett: on our first day? If the wedding is in fact on December 29th, I will hardly make it since I arrive in Zhanjiang at 12.45pm. There is no chance to rebook anything by now (if I am not ready to pay twice as much at least, which I'm not), the flight schedule is what it is. Maybe that is what bothers me most. I have worked my ass off to get everything to work on a tight budget. Flights, hotel night in Guangzhou and flight to Zhanjiang the day after, hotel in Zhanjiang in the right district. It feels like suddenly she doesn't care about it. And is it possible that she could not have known anything about this wedding until now?

[Willy The Londoner]

BTW you can sometimes change flight and hotel bookings, could you leave earlier? It would be good to go to a wedding, but not so good if it's the first day with your lady.

I doubt if that is practicable - I cannot imagine it is a straight flight from Stockholm to Guangzhou and then you have the next flight.  Only need one to say no and you rack up some heavy expenses.

Willy

[Hans]

Willy, you are right. It is Stockholm-Amsterdam-Beijing-Guangzhou. And Zhanjiang. And now she wants me to go to Guizhou province instead...

[RobertBfrom aust]

Hans, firstly it is an honour to be asked to attend the wedding , even though you might feel like a fish out of water , you should be able with 4 weeks to go to tweek your arrangements and keep going when you arrive in Guangzhou down to the nearest airport to Zhanjiang and don,t spend a night there , I am sure your lady will help you with any arrangements , I would say that this is also a lovely surprise for her to be asked and in China unlike in European countries once a marriage is decided on it will normally be weeks not months to be organized , so tell her that you will attempt to reorganize your plans with her help and take it from there , regards Ying and Robert .

[Danny]

Yes, I would be really, really unhappy about how she has treated you. But I don't think that it will do you any good to tell her about it. Sometimes you just have to hold it in. Go and have a few beers with some friends and forget about it all for a night. You will feel better after that.

[Willy The Londoner]

Willy, you are right. It is Stockholm-Amsterdam-Beijing-Guangzhou. And Zhanjiang. And now she wants me to go to Guizhou province instead...

Your just going to have to tell her that it is impossible for you to be at the wedding.  Maybe she can see you the next day.  

If she is not willing to rush to see you after the wedding,  and you having taken 4 aeroplanes to see her, then you will know that for some time you are going to be second in her line of thoughts.  

So as Danny said - take envelope marked Plan B with you - the agency will be pleased to introduce you to as many ladies as they can - they charge the ladies for this introductions.

  Look at Robs excellent example - picked a woman up on the streets and look where it is leading.  My failure was just after I arrived but now I am going well out here.

Whatever happens make the journey you will not regret it.

Willy

[Hans]

I understand it is an honor for her to asked to be the maid of honor. But where am I in all this?

I arrive in Zhanjiang with the earliest possible flight, there is no connection on the evening I arrive in Guangzhou so I have no choice but to stay one night there. I arrive at Zhanjiang airport at 12.45PM on December 29, I find it doubtful I can even go to Guiyang and be in time for the wedding if it is being held that particular day. She has given me no details whatsoever.

Yes, I think you are right, Willy. I kind of feel that I am not her priority here and that is a bit shocking after six months of communication, EMF's, Chinese emails and a constant countdown to the big day, our first meeting in Zhanjiang. I think I'll go anyway, no matter what happens here. I have a flight plan and a hotel reservation. Better make the best of it, right?

Danny, I am not the pretending type. I won't pretend nothing's wrong in a relationship when something is wrong. I want to discuss things in the open and the lady has been saying the same. If that scares some people off, and it does, so be it. I will not play games to make her believe I am OK with whatever she decides. Because I feel she has decided. She has told me, not asked me. To me that shows disrespect. I am aware of the cultural differences here and that she probably doesn't mean to show me disrespect. But still, I am doing the trip, I am paying and I am making the effort to see her.

A few beers might help for now, yes...

[brett]

Hans - when I booked my flight through Expedia I checked that my flight could be rescheduled in case I had lady troubles, and it looked as if it could. Hotels are usually OK as well. It might be worth checking. You seem to have a particularly complex flight schedule though!

I do have the same issues with my lady - as of yet I am not her number 1 priority. A man needs to feel wanted. That is our #1 requirement in a lady, so I guess that is why you're feeling like you are. Maybe things change when we put a ring on their finger and show we are totally committed to them?

A backup plan is useful though, in my case it was to have a damn good holiday (I usually go away in October anyway) :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Willy The Londoner]

I booked a flight to Las Vegas with Expedia and I wanted to change the flight several weeks before but Expedia told me that they cannot change flights.   So I just gave up the cost of the airfare and then flew with AA three weeks after my scheduled date.

Luckily The Mirage were more than happy to change my reservation so not a total loss and I have never been happy flying with Delta anyway.

I have made about 6 flights through Expedia - they are not cheap but ease of booking was my first consideration.  

But do not Dispair Hans.  Many ladies in China have been let down by us foreign men, sometimesmen have said that they are noy going just a day or two before they were supposed to travel some make no further contact at all.  So until you step off the plane they sometimes have difficulty in believing you are actually going to arrive because lets face there are a lot of male players use these sites and some women have been stung as well as us 'poor men'.  

When you announce that you have arrived on Chinese soil then there will be a different reaction - if not PLAN B!!!!

Willy
Willy