Maybe it was too good to be true after all...

[David5o]

Han's,

If you don't try, you won't know, ....will you??  The fact is, that all ladies have an agency account email address. All i'm suggesting, ...is a test to maybe find out if her email address is in fact, her agency account address. It's totally up to you, if you want to try or not!!

David....

[Hans]

Don't get me wrong, I just wanted to make sure I understood you right! Me head is a bit fuzzy, I haven't slept much the past two days and it was a very long day at work... :blush: Of course I'll try!

[David5o]

Han's,

No problem, no offense taken or surmised... I can understand how you must be feeling right now, with all these thoughts running through your head. All i can say is don't let it get to you too much. You can make this trip work for you, ...which ever way it goes....

David.....

[maxx]

Hans your over thinking this way to much.Its tearing you up.Try to relax.Get some sleep.It will look all different to you.After you have had time to think about it.Your under the 24 hour rule.Till after you make direct contact with the lady.Direct contact means a face to face meeting.

Then you are still under the 24 hour rule.Until you get to the point where you can relax around the lady.Your headed for a crash.You need to Slow down.

[maxx]

Scott you missed the point of my post.At no point and time did I or any other member tell Hans to roll over.What I told him was to slow down.He is over thinking this.Just like you over thinking things.You guys get inside your own heads and over think this and wreck yourself.Before even making the trip to see what this is about.

That is all that was stated.That is what the 24 hour rule is there for.So you guys will slow down.Let yourselves see this from both sides instead of one.I know of a few members here.Who wrecked there relationships.Because they didn't slow down.And they wrote there intended lady some really crazy things.How do I know what they wrote there ladies?They send the letters to me by Pm.And ask me what they did wrong.And I tell them.So next time they don't make the same mistake.And maybe by knowing this they don't make the same mistake again.

Probably 8 out of 10 of these relationships are destroyed by the men.Why is the man to blame most of the time?Because we set are selves up to fail.Do we do it on purpose yes.We have all these preconceived notions and stereotyping going on in are heads.And then we get ourselves all screwed up and we can't think straight.Then are own doubts and fears start playing into are heads.

This is where Hans is at.He has wrote letters to this lady for 5 months.No web cam. no phone calls.He has  some attachment to this lady.She threw a wrench in the works the other day.So self doubt.Has reared it's ugly head.What he has read here about fake ladies fake profiles bad agencies is all running a muck in his head.So no matter what you say to him.Or I say to him.It is not gonna make any difference now until he makes the trip.And sees for himself.

That being said.He needs the 24 hour rule.So he doesn't throw his own wrench into the works.And screw this up.So she doesn't leave him setting in the hotel room by himself.So I don't have to set here and read his sad tale.Because he threw his own wrench into the works.

I would much rather read his success story here.Then another story of a failure.In defense of Hans yes this is a much bigger leap then most of us made.Hans has put his money into this.And at his age and going to college.And taking night courses to learn Chinese. the money was hard to come by.And it isn't easily replaced.So I understand where Hans is coming from He wants the sure thing.In his situation I don't blame him.We all want the sure thing.

But in his case it doesn't look like a sure thing.Because of the no web chats no phone calls,Translator interference.So he is going to have to go with what he's got.The 24 hour rule in his case will give him allot better odds of making this work.Because it isn't giving him a Chance to stick his foot in his mouth.

[Hans]

No, Maxx, I am not looking for the "sure thing". There is no such thing in love and relationships. I am, however, trying to minimize the risks and buy myself some security before I go on the biggest trip of my life. I think that is a pretty fair request. I did not question her a bit before she told me about the wedding thing. Before that, nothing like that had happened in our communication. I wrote her a very calm letter afterwards, not an accusatory one, and I don't regret anything I wrote there. The 24 hour rule is a good one, even though I did not stick to it completely this time.  

You are right that I have some doubts and fears right now. With only a few weeks left, I was not expecting a shaky ride like this. On the contrary, I was expecting us to move even closer to each other based on the trust we have created before.

I may be overthinking this, I know. That is why I post my thoughts here, to get other people to see them from their perspective. I don't want to go to China only to find out that all the doubts and fears I had were true. I need at least some things to support that she is honest and reliable and that the agency is not pulling all the strings here. That is all I want. What I got so far is pictures of her and her family as well as the package she sent me months ago.

[maxx]

Hans everybody has doubts and fears when they do this.To one extent or another.And maybe I used the wrong words.I know you weren't looking for the sure thing you were just looking to make this less risky.

You did the right thing when you posted your question here.That is what this forum is supposed to be all about helping each other.And trying to keep each other out of trouble with are ladies.

Hans good luck on your trip to China.I know this is a big step.We were all at the same point at one time or another.

Maxx

[brett]

Hi Hans,

Sorry about your lady problems. As you can see from my own thread you are not the only one with problems. Brothers who have had an easy time with their ladies are very lucky indeed. I'm still learning about China, but I think disorganisation is just a part of the national psyche. My lady's timekeeping is very hmmm. Maybe the whole nation is like it. I spent a month in Japan, and of all the trains I caught only one was ever delayed. That delay was 2 minutes. Yet I caught just 2 trains in China and both were late. Much the same thing happened at the airports.

I guess the Chinese have a different attitute to weddings than we do. In the UK the preparations are elaborate and the date is fixed often 2-3 years in advance. A lot of Western women seem to spend their whole lives planning their wedding :icon_biggrin:.

The 24 hour rule is good though. I've just used it on my boss in order to overcome a very difficult situation in work :s.

I guess I always think of what Kennedy said about the moon landings - we don't do these things because they are easy, we do them because they are hard. Going to the moon - well that's just rocket science compared to getting a Chinese wife back to your own country :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Irishman]

Hans, you need to get out of your head for a moment, go drink some beer, do something that's not related to her.
The facts are, there is no longer any wedding diversion to worry about, she is looking forward to meeting you, what's the problem? if she is 400km away from doing a webcam and you can't do it on your mac then forget about it, its a non runner, what's the point in thinking about it. You will know if she is for real when you meet her, my guess is that within the first few minutes you will know.
The translator charges are ridiculous, the price I was quoted in Guangzhou was 200RMB a day, plus of course the daily expenses such as food, bus rides etc. You will definitely be able to negotiate this, there will be plenty of college students etc only too willing to practise their English and spend the day with you and your lady. My suggestion is when you meet her ask he if she can find a translator, heck write it in an email to her i bet the translator will suddenly offer a better price if they see themselves loosing the business.

If the worst comes to the worst, the agency will only be too happy to introduce you to someone else. Don't forget the girl is probably paying you a least the equivalent of a months wages (and quite likely several months wages) for her to meet you to the agency, if thats not showing committal to you than I don't know what is.

[feisnik]

Remembering, planning is completely a Western concept. Things will change at the last minute, come up unannounced, and that is ok in China. Just roll with the flow.

[shaun]

Hans,

I've never been to China.  
I've never even kissed a Chinese girl.
Korean, Japanese, but never Chinese.
I am still a newbie.

But if a woman opened up an important schedule for me and made a way for me to see her I would not question it.  I hope.

I know there is doubts. I have them about going to see Peggy. Every man here has had them.

You have seen things go bad for others but bottom line is this; You will not know if you do not go.  Can you live with that? How many times have the men on this site said it to me?  I don't even want to know how many.

Do what the others who have been are telling you.  Get out of your head.  You've got a month.  Take a weekend with a trusted friend and go have a good time.  How does the old saying go;  "Drink and be merry for tomorrow you go to China."

Why is it when we men are on the edge of happiness that we begin to over think the issues?

Good Luck                                                         (Go to China, keep your mouth shut about your concerns, and see)

Shaun

[Hans]

Irishman, the problem is that I have more and more doubts about how much of the communication she has been doing herself and how much the agency is responsible for. The fact that she always tells me to contact the agency if I have any questions (and gives me the contact info to several of the translators as well as the head of the agency, Ms Wang from time to time) is also an indication of that. Of course, I could be completely wrong. I’ve seen pictures of my lady and Ms Wang together at the agency, maybe she just trusts this woman a lot.  

It’s easy to say "roll with the flow" and "don’t worry" to others. It is rather more difficult to act like that yourself. At least I think so.
Abigbutt, doing something that involves emotion with a completely lack of expectation – is that even possible? I know we discussed it in another thread a while ago and I just can’t see how it is possible to do something like this and not have expectations. I think everyone have expectations deep inside. Sometimes the line between expectations and hopes can be thin, though.

Thanks for the encouraging words, Shaun. Too bad I have no time to party since every hour awake is about either work or studies at the moment...:-/

I need some time to think about all this during the weekend. I’ll write her a letter and send it on Monday and then later during the week, depending on her answer of course, I guess I will decide if I should carry this through or cancel the trip altogether. The feeling is 50/50 right now, but that might change for the better next week. I am not interested in being made a fool when I arrive in China either, having invested my savings into this. And if the lady doesn’t show up at all or it turns out the agency has been doing all the communication (which is my greatest fear), I would not be interested in using their services for a second. Then I would probably stay in Guangzhou as a tourist instead. So, we’ll see what happens.

[Irishman]

Hans if your tickets are non refundable then go to Guangzhou anyhow, the experience is nothing anything before that you will have experienced if you have never been there before.
I also can put you in touch with some ladies if you are interested (if it comes to that PM me, and I'll give you more details, I will make sure you are looked after )..as a well as a 200RMB a day translator if you want one!
My ladies friends apparently are just dying to meet nice western boys after meeting me I am told!! They are all lovely girls and if you don't hit it off you will still have a good fun time (clean fun..Willy down boy!!), that i promise.

[Hans]

Sounds great, Irishman!! I'm 27 so no 30+ women, right? :icon_cheesygrin:

I will certainly contact you if it comes to that. I have nothing against seeing Guangzhou either.

[Irishman]

Sounds great, Irishman!! I'm 27 so no 30+ women, right? :icon_cheesygrin:

I will certainly contact you if it comes to that. I have nothing against seeing Guangzhou either.

Hah, don't worry about that. If you need to go down that road, and i sincerely hope you do not, then i'll tell more in PM.