Trouble in Paradise

[Martin]

I am with Willy on this one.  My wife had never been married before, and the total cost was under $3500 Canadian...I can't remember the exact amount.  It was a very nice wedding...nobody was disappointed.  To pay so much more...wow!

[ttwjr32]

i just hope everything works out the best for you two
  when you get this sorted out

[Peter]

I am talking to my wife as I write this. When she got the sum, 200 000 yuan she looked very surprised. He spontaneous reply was that she is marring for the money..
Our wedding was for 70 people and cost about 25 000 yuan.. Our wedding was a normal wedding and all of our guest thought it was a good wedding. My wife write : "The women look for a dependence. This kind of woman is cannot find the man in Changsha."
You only can decide what to do but in my opinion this is a very big sum of money..

Peter

[Philip]

Well guys. It's never boring, this Chinese relationship mallarkey.

If you read about my trip to China in October, you mey remember that her brother helped us a lot. He has come up trumps again. Last night she was throwing me out and giving me the elbow in no uncertain fashion. So long, adieu! Then I used my desperate last trump card. I emailed her brother.

Bit of history. My future wife (hopefully) asked me for £5000 last month. She had to give up her job, and pay legal fees for custody of her children from her ex-husband and pay to arrange our wedding.  I transferred the money to her brother's account, because it was the safest way - he had a SWIFT code and she didn't. When I transferred the money, her brother said to me 'That is a large amount of money. It will go a long way in China. I don't know why my sister is asking for that much.' So, when I contacted him last night about the 200000, he had some severe words to say to his sister.

Here are some of his replies to me by email and by QQ:
Email:
 I don’t think the wedding cost in China need so much money, I think maybe my sister made a mistake to type the numbers. From my experiences, if you just organize a small wedding with family members and few of best friends, around RMB20,000 is enough. To spend RMB200,000 is a fantastic wedding which happened seldom in China.

   I called her this morning, I believe she should make a mistake. Don’t hesitate with the wedding cost, you can frankly tell her that you don’t have such big amount of money. Last time when you transferred ?5,000pounds to her, I was doubtful why she asked so much money, when I checked with her, she told me that she had to pay the lawyer cost to his ex-husband’s divorce, the living cost with children, and the wedding cost later, etc.

 I think if she asked again, you can tell her that you don’t have more money except the travel cost. Also I told her after you get married, she need to find a new job inChangsha before leaving China, or living with the children with minimum living cost.
Regards.

 Richard.
QQ:
I don't know why she has such stupid idea. I suggest you can tell her, you just plan the schedule for the marriage in Changsha, for the wedding dinner, not prepared yet, try to delay the wedding dinner to next time to China, or when she can go to U.K.


So, you see, her brother is a jewel, a diamond. I don't kid myself that everything is suddenly fine, but I am feeling distinctly more chipper than I was last night.

Any suggestions for suitable gifts to give to the brother would be greatly appreciated. Don't say cigarettes. Haha!

[David5o]

Philip,

Take heed of what her brother is telling you here. Your lady seems to be of the impression that you have plenty of money. Personally i wouldn't send any more money over to China.

You have already sent over what amounts to around 50,000 RMB.  Legal fees and costs to her previous husband will not come to anything like that figure. Reading between the lines, her brother is telling her to behave herself and to live at a lower cost, so maybe she is using some of that previous money to live beyond her current means.

I would definitely proceed with caution on my mind here!! You need to do a lot of talking between you both Philip... I don't like the idea of her telling you it's over, based on you not being prepared to pay out 200k RMB. Maybe her brother has sorted her out over this ludicrous some of money, but then maybe he hasn't. You need to sort out what's on her mind, and i hope for your sake it's not Money!!

David.....

[Vince G]

But why was she "throwing you out and giving you the elbow in no uncertain fashion"?

[Philip]

But why was she "throwing you out and giving you the elbow in no uncertain fashion"?

Vince
Why? Because I told her I did not have the money, and she assumed that I did and just didn't want to pay what was needed for the wedding. All I have said in the past is that I can support her and her children when they come to London. That made her put 2 and 2 together and make 200000. Handling the arrangements on her own is putting her in contact with unscrupulous types who are coming up with these ridiculous figures. But I do need to thrash it out with her, find out what is on her mind, like David said, and put her straight with my financial situation.

[RegnisTheGreat]

How much is her ex husband asking to let her go and the children go? Consider he knows she is marrying a foreigner? How much is he asking for? And if she knows you have the money, she may want you to just pay it and not fight him.

[David E]

Philip

For my 2 cents worth...there are red flags flying in the wind here !!!!!

Last night, on QQ I asked Ming about the cost of weddings in China. I made no mention of any figure I had in my mind.

She thought for a little while and advised that for "our" wedding, there would be about 60 guests, some from out of town and would I consider paying for their travel and accomodation in the all-up cost of our wedding. I said yes.

I also asked if she would include any cost of a "dowry" to her parents and she was amused about this and adsvised that because it is her second marriage they would not expect a dowry, but it would be honourable to buy them each a nice present.

She also said that any costs for a honeymoon should not be part of the wedding cost because  together we may decide to go anywhere we wish.

So.....to cut to the chase, a good wedding in Chengdu for 60 guests, without being too concerned to do it on the cheap, and including all ancilliary services...limos, hair dresser, clothes, gifts etc etc etc,  she says will cost "about 30,000 RMB"

I then said that I have heard that some weddings cost 200,000 RMB and her comment was......"Maybe the Premier and all the Ministers were invited...)hehehehe)"

Cheers

David

[JimB]

Phillip,
I agree with david, there are many many red flags here.  So much money, even the brother is suspicious.  The choice is yours brother, obviously.  But if it were me, I would do some serious thinking on this.

[Martin]

I then said that I have heard that some weddings cost 200,000 RMB and her comment was......"Maybe the Premier and all the Ministers were invited...)hehehehe)"

HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Too funny!

[Chong]

I then said that I have heard that some weddings cost 200,000 RMB and her comment was......"Maybe the Premier and all the Ministers were invited...)hehehehe)"

HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Too funny!

The inside joke is that Martin sent an invitation to Yao Ming and he didn't show up for Zhifang & Martin's nuptials in Hunan. Playing basketball in the US was more important. Inconsiderate bastard for turning down the invitation. :icon_cool: Martin was expecting a RE of 1 million RMB from him ... and a signed basketball.

[David E]

I thought I would ask Tiger Woods to come to our wedding...but I guess I would like to look forward to at least one night with my bride....which would not be a certainty with Tiger around :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

[Danny]

Philip

For my 2 cents worth...there are red flags flying in the wind here !!!!!

It is really hard to know what people are really like. The most reliable way of knowing how someone will act in the future is by observing how they have acted in the past. It is, in my opinion, more important to watch how people act, than what they say.

It would be worth reflecting on what she has asked you (for an expensive wedding) and her response to your request that the matter be reconsidered (threatening to end the relationship).

[brett]

Yes I'll also add there are massive red flags here. £5000 is 5 years salary for my girl (who has a decent middle class job) - that is enough money to employ/pay off a small town!!!!