ugh, setbacks

[Neil]

I just wanted to update my situation.  I started talking to my girl in February, in May I started this thread after finding out my separation had never been official, my own fault for being stupid and not taking care of my own crap.  

I was unable to get a copy of our original separation agreement so I had to hire a lawyer and get another written, get my ex to sign it, have her served so she can contest it if she wants (she's signed it and hasn't contested it).

Today is one month after she's been served, I got called to my lawyer's to sign some stuff and now it's going to the Judge.  He can take as long as he likes to sign it, or he can find problems and get us to fix them.  Once he signs it I have to wait another freaking month until it's final.  

My trip to China is scheduled for August 17 so I'm definitely not going to be in a position to be married when I'm there.  My girl knows the situation, we were hoping this would be done in time for my trip.  I picked the date so I could be with her for her birthday.  

Now I have to write my sweetheart and tell her the bad news.  I don't know what the result will be - she's an amazing woman and has been my rock through this so far.  I'm sure it will all work out in the end but it is definitely a frustrating journey.  

P.S.  
Ex-wives suck!

[Hajo]

Sorry to hear that, Neil. I agree with Jim, everything happens for a reason even if it feels bad. Trust in yourself and your lady, then it will work out in the end.

If your lady loves you, she will stick with you and understand the situation. It is not your fault. Be happy for meeting her soon and enjoy your trip.

[David5o]

Niel,

I think you've been dealt a little bit of luck, at least you will of actually met your Lady, before jumping in to a marriage that you could have possibly regretted a little later on.


General Forum,

I know that there's a lot of you here, will think differently, and talk about leaps of faith and/or other clishays. Leaps of faith, are one thing, and yes we all take them during the course of our lives. Leaps of faith, into getting married to a woman thousands of miles away, that you've never met in person is quite another. You have no idea, if your even going to be compatible as two people, let alone anything else. The ramifications of these types of quick marriages, can be devastating to all involved when things don't work out the way you had imagined/planned.

We have members here that are talking about marriage after just 4 weeks, what can they possibly know about that lady in 4 weeks? (or, she him)  Were talking about marriage here now, I'm maybe old fashioned, but to me marriage is for life.  Don't you think, you owe it to yourself and your lady, that both of you are sure about what your doing is right for you both.  And don't you think that knowing what you both need to know about each other, is worth taking the time and effort in getting it right??  

For those of you that are planning on taking this route to marriage, can you please explain to me the thought process behind it??
 
I'm not here trying to be clever, or anything else, you will do, what ever will do, no matter what i say here. It's just that i can't understand why anyone would, contemplate such an important life decision such as marriage so easily!! What ever happened to courtship, even if it is over computer based technology?? Why not go on that first trip to China to meet the lady first, surely a live breathing lady is going to tell you a hell of a lot more, than a thousand translated EMF's, or even webcam conversations.

As i said above it's just my view, some will agree and some won't.....

David......

[Vince G]

David, I gave myself the 24 hour rule on this same subject because I didn't want to come across as reprimanding. Which it sounded like before I canceled it out. I understand that everyone wants to find and have a wife for life. What I don't understand is the decision is made in a few letters. You have to go and spend a few weeks with the lady at least. Find the common ground, compatibility and chemistry. It's a big step and costs to much to marry on a whim.

My lady had talked about this. We feel we are right for each other but still are giving each other an out if we meet face to face and feel different. We talked about it in EMF's a few times but recently I wanted to hear it from her on the phone. She had trouble with the words she wanted to say so she wrote it again in an EMF. But it shows we are in the same mindset. Another thing she said before I put her reply was if I was not happy with her she would find another for me? I said Noooooooo!! but she gives mention to it. It shows we are both "realistic".

I meant to say yes, absolutely! I said until now, we have been so attracted and commited to each other, and when we meet my darling, we will definitely be sure of that, and I long for that meeting so much! and what I also said is that if you find your song not good enough when me meet, don't being afraid of hurting me, and find a better one! I know I should not have said that, my darling, but in my mind, I do hope you can be happy all the time, and your happiness is the most important thing for me!

[Irishman]

Fair comment David, I personally agree with this perspective, but do understand that others might not share my point of view and already feel strongly enough to get married first time.
Indeed, Ed and Martin are two examples that spring to mind that this can indeed work out just fine.

However for me, i just couldn't plan to do that, although I'd still like to have the option in my back pocket if I'd been talking to a girl for months on msn , webcam etc and found her just as great in real life as the the computer person is. The super efficient Irish government takes four months to prepare my paperwork and it has to be done by them or they wont recognise our marriage so no impromptu marriages for me!, which is a good thing really....isn't it..I think....

[David5o]

Vince,

I read somewhere in your posts here, that when you meet your lady, you want to see and feel her passion for you. .....God, isn't that just one of the most important things a couple should have between them!! I don't know how long you've been corresponding with your lady, but it seems that your discussing all the right things with her, and finding that common ground you talk about. No-one expects that your going to 100% compatible, geez, .... who the hell is? But the higher up that percentage scale, the better it is for both of you.

That great unknown called Chemistry, is the one that takes you to wherever you want to go, or kills it all stone dead. That's the one thing, no-one, taking this quick leap of faith will ever know  until they actually meet face to face.....  I only hope there luck holds out for them!!

David.....Irishman,

Yeah, i know what your saying, no-one can say, ''never say never'', it will always work for some, the logic of  percentages say it has too. What annoys me more than anything, is this idea, ''well it worked for him so it can work for me'' ...well that's just crazy thinking... Your chances with that mindset are close to nil. But, ....we all at the end of the day do what we want to do, and have to live with the consequences when it goes wrong.

I See, your lucky too, you can't rush into anything either, even if you wanted too. Perhaps these government types know a few things that we don't ?  hahaha!!

Joking apart, I'm with you on your train of thought, it's just too important a move, to screw things up. You need to be dammed sure about yourself, your partner, and your future together, before you start putting wedding rings on fingers......

David.....

[Scottish_Rob]

David I can see were you are coming from, If you have read my posts you will see that I am one of the people who is going to get (or those that got married) on their first trip to see their ladies.:blush:

When I get there (for the first time) in November, it will have been one year almost to the day, since we first got in touch with each other.  In 'our' first 3 or 4 letters we KNEW what we were on CHNLOVE.COM for, it is a marriage site, we spoke to one another about this, and we BOTH knew why we were on it, both of us are on it to find a loving wife/husband.  I am one of THOSE people that can fall in love at the drop of a hat, which I did with my lady, however, we never mentioned getting married to each other(again) for a few months, by the time we 'meet' we will be well over 200 emf's in each direction, so I think I will know quite a bit about her.  I totally agree with you about 'time known, 4 weeks' people cannot really know someone proper in that time.

I can understand that you may say, 'but the chemistry?', do you not think that, so far in 8 months of writing, there 'could' be no chemistry there?  If you and your lady are sincere, honest, and truthful with each other, the rest will follow, in my situation were I am a short person, (4feet 8 inches) and NOT the most handsome guy on here, I 'had' to be truthful, Keren knows about my height, as do her family, and has she said to me "I fall in love with you, for your 'kind, honest, sincere words, I am not wanting a superstar, who can easily attract other ladies, I want you, you have a wonderful personality"  As for her family, they (so far) have accepted me as a 'good' western husband for the daughter/sibling.:angel:

I knew from possibly 10 letters in, that I wanted to marry her, and she knew from about 8 she has said, if you are able to get over the obstacles that ARE going to be in front of you then you have made it...However, on saying everything I have said, I will go with a bit of 'doubt' (maybe not the right word) in the back of my mind.  You comment about going to 'meet' her first, maybe there are guy's like me on here that are too embarassed to say that they cannot afford to do that.  Then there is what you also mentioned about a thousand emf's comparing to 'live person', that is a valid argument except for one tiny little thing that you may have overlooked, the information she has already given you in the emf's is fine, what about the language difficulty while she trying to 'tell' you things?

Sorry mate just my opinion, I just hoping and praying that what we decided to do, will work:icon_biggrin:

[David5o]

Rob,

We all have to live to our economic situation, and it seems that you have done exactly that.  Rob, you have or will have spent a year of putting time and effort into your relationship. You are right, you have probably covered more ground than most on here, before actually meeting your lady, and will have a far better understanding between you, as a result of all that effort. Sure there's still that actual meeting one another, to actually confirm everything's in place and that it's a goer.... only time will tell you that when you meet.

I wasn't really talking about your situation, more about some of the guy's that think 3 months or so of letters, and there off to get married. No effort or time invested, just translated letters, maybe translated emails and some webcam meetings. What sort of basis is that for a marriage, ....you know,  where's the foundations, ....there isn't any!!  It's so easy to let infatuations, become more than what they are, and start talking about them as if it's love, and the more they talk that way, the more they convince themselves. Anything in this world that's worth anything/having, is worth the effort/work that's required to acquire it.  My experience is, that if it come's too easily, it tends to leave just as easily, and it's not even missed after a very short time.

So Rob, i think you've done everything that you can do, given your circumstances, if anyone deserves success then your right up there mate. All the best to you!!

David.......

[Scottish_Rob]

Thanks mate...The situation your talking about was also one that Shane had, after4 or 5 emf's he was 'selling' up, his house, his business etc, hehe...Yes your right anything that comes easy, will leave easy.

It's ok mate I know you weren't talking about my situation, but thought I'd give some of the information I gave, for some of the other guy's like you mentioned, infatuation and love is definatly two differant things, however, they ARE still 2 strings from the same bow. one cannot really go without the other, I believe..

You among many others including myself, have said many many times, that TIME and EFFORT will win the day, you only get out, what you put in.:icon_biggrin:  This is where the foundations start mate, just like you mentioned about my situation...

And thanks for your comment mate.... well appreciated:icon_biggrin:

[JimB]

David,

This is a great idea for discussion and I would like to participate.  But, this is Niels thread.  I think it is worth having its own.

[Vince G]

I'm going to repeat myself a little. A friend of mine was in contact with a russian woman and she was coming to visit him. I broke the news that she wasn't coming (and she didn't) But when I asked him basic questions about her he had no idea. Questions like age? height? is she divorced? He knew nothing except she had nice breasts.

So what I'm saying is get to know the woman, ask questions, think if she fits into your life and how she would. I've seen posts that say if she doesn't give an email the first week dump her? This isn't right either. Some can feel they can marry the first trip? But as far as we know there was good correspondence between them not just a few EMF's. Talk outside the EMF's anyway you can. They can be fluffed up sounding real good but later find the woman doesn't talk that way. If fact every sentence my lady writes has "Darling" in it but she doesn't know the word on the phone. It's from the phone calls I got to know the real woman I've been writing. She's the same in the EMF's but I know it's her writing just the translator puts in some fluffy words. It's all not easy. So I'm saying don't just jump on it without much thought behind it all.

[Neil]

Vince:  I couldn't agree more, I read stories on the general forums and say to myself "Jeez, didn't they talk about anything before visiting?"  Maybe some people don't mind getting married and then finding out everything about the person, but that's not me.

David5o: Thanks, I think I agree with you on that.  More than a bit of luck too.  She's incredible and supportive and uplifting.  A friend I hadn't seen in a while stopped me and said "I hear you're going to China to get married."  I told her no, I'm going to China to meet my girlfriend.  If things work out I'd love to marry her though.  I'm a little choked I've had that option taken away from me but we play the cards we're dealt.  

I told her we have 2 options, I can postpone my trip until I have things lined up or I can come as planned and we'll have a good time and I'll return to China at a later date.  She wants me to come as planned.  Game on!

Don't worry gang, I don't mind the hijacked thread, it's a good discussion.

[Tiztom]

I'm going to see the girl I'm talking to (I hate saying my girl as she's not yet as far as I'm concerned) in 5 weeks, I have no expectations other than I hope we like each other, the translator she uses tried to put some fluffy stuff in the first couple of emails but I put a stop to it and explained that I couldn't fall in love over the internet, she fully agreed with me & the only thing that was discussed was engagement so I could live with her if I went back to teach, she was the very first girl to contact me when I joined but I ignored her for a few weeks then sent an emf, since then we correspond virtually every day & find out more & more about each other but I'm going there with the expectations of what happened to Sylvian, that way anything better than meeting me at the airport will be a bonus. As a precaution I have looked at the other girls on their site & have contacts in other city's just in case, as I'll be there for 4 weeks this time, these guys that talk about love and marriage after literally weeks really need to take a reality check. I guess I'm looking at it more like a holiday with hopefully a good outcome rather than a trip to meet my next wife.

[David5o]

Neil,


No problems mate. Don't be choked about loseing that marriage option, you may of just used it!!  haha!!  This way, you get to meet your lady, get to know for sure how things are between you both, with no pressure what-so-ever.

So just go, and enjoy yourself and your lady. And whatever will be, will be!!  ....Is that a song? haha!!

Dennis.....

[victor-hills]

Doris day sang it i do beleave david,Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
god im getting old lol.