When To Discuss China or West?

[RegnisTheGreat]

I've been talking to this one lady from Blossom and its going well. I was pretty upfront with her that I don't want to move to China and if things go well I would want us to move to Canada.

Fast forward to 2.5 weeks later now. We got into this whole argument starting from talking about her dream (where in her dreams her mom OKed a guy for her, she then thought yes to marry him and then no). After a while she started saying she didn't want to come to Canada. She's afraid that she will miss her parents too much and that what if she can't find a job here?

I'm shocked. I've been up front with about moving to Canada first few chats. I've spend maybe 30-40 hours talking to her. Now what? She doesn't want to? Do I block and start looking again? How do I be more up front with the ladies? It feels like I wasted 30-40 hours here.

[shaun]

Reg,

It was that way with Peggy at first too.  I dropped the issue and a few weeks later she said that she wanted to move to America.  I think she was afraid to commit until she knew me a little better.

I can't say that is your situation, just this is what happened to me.

Shaun

[RegnisTheGreat]

My lady is younger (27) if that matters. Not sure anymore. Grr.

[brett]

I tell my ladies in EMF #1 that they will have to move to the UK. It's non-negotiable so it's crucial they know straight away.

[Willy The Londoner]

These are Chinese ladies - when it comes to the crunch not all want to move to the west.  They may keep saying they do but really they could be hoping that you will love them enough to stay in China.   Or they could be testing you as to how much you love them.  If you say at an early stage that there is not way you intend to live in China then they may well take this as meaning you do not really love them.

They really have you over a barrel so be honest with them from the start like Brett and tell them you do not want to live in China as you will miss to many things in your own country - just like she is going to have to do if she marries you!!

It does work in reverse - I had several I dated in my early months here who were only interested in moving to another country so that they could support their family better back in China.   Of course I want to stay in China so I was strict with and I told them that I would not leave China for Love or Money.  Not any amount of money!!!!

Willy

[brett]

Actually I would love to live in China or elsewhere in Asia, but it's not easy making a decent living out there, especially if you're planning on starting a family and have baggage to support back home.

I really am uncertain that my lady will want to live so far from her parents. I don't think she appreciates how different our countries are. But I guess in 3-4 years time I should have enough cash saved up and some additional revenue sources so that I could consider moving to Asia.

[shaun]

Reg,

I on the other hand when I discussed this issue with Peggy said that I knew that either direction would be difficult on one person, each person had so much to give up, that it was a difficult decision to make.  Then I let it drop.

With a woman prior to Peggy she said that she wanted to remain in China but if I decided to live in America she would go because I am the husband.  I wonder how that would have played out.

Reg, if you think she is worth the investment then the two of you will need to find your own way on this subject.  It is not easy.  We can tell you how we handled the subject but each woman is different, each situation is different.  I do not know how long you have been talking with this woman but your best ally is time.  Drop it for now and re-visit it later.

Shaun

[RegnisTheGreat]

Willy,

I considered it but with my limited language skills it will not be a good job in China. I have a good job here in Canada and it pays pretty well, and I have family and home here. I was honest with her from the beginning that I do not intend to move to China and would like my future wife to move to Canada. She seems OK with it initially. Not sure what changed but she is now saying what if I cant' get a job, what about my parents, etc? Its like she's backing out. I'm not sure if I am wasting my time  with her or not but I will talk to her and see how things are in a few months.

On the other hand, how do I avoid this mess in the future? I am up front but...

[ttwjr32]

i agree with Shaun see how the time plays out i think
  maybe the 2.5 weeks is a little to less of time for this
  decision to be made by her  she probably is being a
  little reserved in making the decision to leave her family
  in such a short amount of time. if it was going so well
  before this play it out

[Buzz]

Reg,  I take it you have not set eyes on this lady yet.  After such a very short amount of time, I am not sure how you can make such life changing decisions.  It takes time, and family approval before any major decisions can be made by the lady.  Family approval only comes after the face to face meetings.  For me, I would rather deal with an honest lady telling me her fears and concerns, than have someone tell me everything is going well and then hitting me hard at the last moment.  But the point I need to make is that it is never "all or nothing".  There are many ways to make the relationship work.  Keep talking, make plans to see her and her family, and work towards finding common ground.  Find areas that you are in agreement.  Strengthen those areas,  build trust,  show compassion,  honor her feelings.  When you do these, then this huge problem will be more likely to find a solution with two loving people working on the same issue.  Take time, and enjoy the journey.  It is well worth the time and effort.  
Merry Christmas to all.    buzz

[Hans]

Reg, I agree with Willy that maybe she was hoping that you would change your mind and be willing to move to China. You say you don't want to move there partly because you have your family and friends in Canada. Well, imagine it is the same for her. It is not easy leaving ones country.

Try to figure out if she's the one for you first. If you meet in the future and love each other, I'm sure you can work it out. I've been in contact with a lady for seven months and am about to visit her in a few days. We have not talked about our future residence in detail yet (although it seems she wants to move to Sweden while I am more interested in leaving Sweden for China). I think the first step is to determine you're emotionally compatible. About the language skills, you can work on it. :-)

[RegnisTheGreat]

Buzz and Hans: you are right. I have made plans to see her around International Worker's Day. I will focus on the good stuff till we meet.

[Willy The Londoner]

Hans is right - you can work on language skills.  

Language skills are not a problem if you love each other.  If you are looking for long and meaningful conversations in the short term then China is probably not the place to start looking for a wife.  

When I met my Angel she could only count 1, 2, 3 in English, even trhough her profile said 'learning' but we got by then and we get by now.  We do spend time every day, me teaching her English for about an hour and she teaching me Chinese for 10 minutes.  Why only 10 minutes? because we fall about laughing too much at me trying to get the voice to sound so she will understand me rather than me trying to talk in CHINGLISH and expecting all to understand if I say it loudly enough.   We have still not got to a point where we can not argue at all!!   And my electronic calculator needs a service because it is not working as it should and we have not used it for at least three weeks.

You may be lucky to find a lady who speaks good English, as Ted in Guangzhou has found.  But the vast majority have a very limited vocabulary or none.  

So in long distance relationships you may have to rely on good translations so your messages are got across as you mean them.  But I often say this, when talking to someone learning English - do not use collequial phrases and speak as you would to a Child in your own country otherwise they will think the little English they do know is not good enough.

Willy

[rockycoon]

Sweden, who would want to move out of Sweden? That's a great country
I can't emagine anyone wanting to move from there. Think of Saab's, skiing, great arcutexture, and beautiful in the spring and summer! Think of "the sound of music". The fresh air. How about 6 months in Sweden, and (choke-cough) 6 months in china?

[Peter]

Rockycoon
This is my idea of the future.. 6 years from now I have retired (If thing go according to plans) and will live 6 months, summer, in Sweden and 6 months in Changsha, winter..
I have to correct you a bit :icon_cheesygrin:
SAAB is not SAAB anymore and Volvo is owned by the Chinese.. We still have the clean air and water and the beautiful nature.. but we also got the highest taxes in the world. I understand why Hans is planning to live in China..

Peter