My workaholic lady

[brett]

OK guys, I am really getting fed up with this so I need to let off steam. My lady is working all hours of the day and I seem pretty low down in her list of priorities. She didn't contact me at all during New Year. Now either she is a workaholic or she just doesn't care enough about me.

I just wondered if my fellow brothers had any thoughts about this...

1) I've asked my lady to find me a translator. I've asked her to tell me when I can next visit. She's been so unhelpful about either I just don't know why I'm bothering. Is being especially stubborn a Chinese thing?

2) What can I do about her working all hours of the day and night? Taking a long term view if we got married then her current job is of no value to us right now. I don't want a burnt out wife. I can support her, and she would be far better off learning English all day. She wouldn't be able to do her current job in England anyway (unless her English got much better).

I dearly love the girl, but I really feel as if pretty much nothing has happened in our relationship since I got back from Wuhan. I know her family's illnesses torpedoed our plans but things aren't moving at all this year. I have sent her gifts. I have worked my ass off learning Chinese. I've started two new Internet businesses so we might one day be able to afford to live closer to her parents.

I suppose at the back of my mind is the thought that she really hasn't thought about the fact that if she meets a Western man through a dating site he might actually want to marry her at some stage :dodgy:!

I know I am being a bit of a diva, but I also know damn well that a man has to feel wanted or he simply finds love elsewhere :s.

[Neil]

I wouldn't call you a Diva Brett.

I actually just finished chatting with Nina.  We had a bit of an argument.  She is the same, works long hours and she doesn't share enough with me.  Like you, I spent two weeks without a word.  After, she wouldn't tell me about her vacation.  I explained to her that when I have a vacation, I would like to share the experience with her, take pictures etc.  I don't know if it is a cultural thing or what.  

Nina is frustrated with the language barrier.  She can't learn English fast enough, or dedicate enough time to learning it properly.  I actually asked our old translator today why women want to marry foreign men when they can't even speak the language.  Fucking frustrating.  

Maybe it's stupid to have standards and live by them.  I am nearly ready to begin my search again.

[Willy The Londoner]

Woah slow down Guys.

When you have visited China they gave you time.   They were with you.  But that time comes at a price.  Not many have a boss that will say - 'thats ok have a week or two off' we will still pay you'.  They have to make up the time.

And the only way they can make it up is to work extra hours.  And we are not talking about catching up on just 38 or 40 hours a week.  They are already likely to be working 70 plus hours a week and that takes a lot of weeks to catch up with even  at just a couple of hours extra a day.

When I met my now wife - she had a lot of time off work and had to work extra hours including on one occasion she worked through for 24 hours and came home and still cooked my breakfast!!!

Even a doctor I went out with left home for work at 7am every morning and did not get home until 7pm every evening!

Many of your ladys work hundreds of miles from their family and their parents and they may only get to see them once every New Year.

The vast majority do not call every day nor every month - they only call home when they have something important to say and the family only call them to tell them something just as important.    

It is something that they have grown up with.   They work long hours - not through choice but neccessity.   They get home knackered usually have to cook a meal then it is time for bed so they can get up to start the routine again.

My wife did not stop working until she was sure of my intentions.  Then it did change her life - but until then and even though she was in a position with the family firm and could return to work at any time, she still did not give up work until she was sure of me.

There can be no room for any doubts before they give up jobs - jobs that are hard to find in China.  And you both are voicing thoughts that you have considered starting your search again.        

You are both expecting them to give you time that they just do not have.    Ok so you hear of men on this forum speaking to their ladies every day.   I did before I came over but I could only speak for an hour after she got home from work and whilst she was doing her household chores and before she had her dinner and she always went to bed by 9.30 every day to get up for 6am every morning 13 days in every 14 days.

Frankly all men who are contemplating a relationship with a Chinese Lady have to realise that they just CANNOT give you the same attention that you would expect from a women in your own country.

So before we go on about her not having time for you - then consider how important, the little time she is able to give you, is to her.

 Chinese women are different and is that not the very reason that we all came to this forum in the first place.

Willy

[Josh Markley]

I am not really sure of either of you situations, but in the past my ex had told me once that if she went back to work she may only be able to talk to me only a few hours a month.  She told me she worked long hours during the week, and on the weekend she is a tour guide.  She had to do this to help support her family(mother&father).  Its a possibility that until you are married to the woman her family and career comes first.  I would say this is nothing personal, just culture.  At times I had trouble with this way of thinking.  There were times when we had a planned meeting and she had went out with friends instead.  Through her way of thinking is she still had friends and her own life, and she knew the same for me and expected me to do the same.  After all after she came to the United States she would only be able to see her family and friends on web cam.  I am pretty sure the other guys have told me all of this earlier.

[maxx]

Brett and Neil.You guys need to read again what Willy and Josh posted.Then read it again.And again until it sinks into your heads.

You guys are not there.They still have there lives and there work to do.They can't just drop everything and set by the computer hopeing that they will see you.

[Martin]

How many times do we need to repeat that during spring festival you might not hear from your lady?

[Neil]

Fair and valid points, all of you.  I'm not making any rash decisions.  I was frustrated and needed to vent.  Thankfully you are all more patient than I have been.  

The language issue is never going to go away for me.  Nina will never have the time to study enough to become fluent.  I've told her many times I don't expect her to become fluent until she is fully immersed.  I've told her that I will help her any way I can.  I've sent language programs, she went to classes, we studied together when we were together...  She is worried that she will never be able to communicate properly and she is a very social person.  I absolutely understand her fears and concerns.  

So the solution is to wait here for a year or more.  I've been faithful to her for one year.  We've spent a total of 14 days together in that time.  Hey, I'm not complaining, it's just frustrating.

[Arnold]

Brett , Neil ... if I had second-guessed about my relationship that way , when the Mail slowed down ... I would not been Married now to my wonderful Lady . Especially around the Spring Festival and that is NOT over till after the 28th of this month . Hope both of you thought about sending your Lady something for the Lantern Festival right after . Anyway , if there are second thought's about your Lady ... maybe she is not for you or she realize's your thought's and feels uncertain about you ?
Stick with it and don't throw in the Towel too fast Guy's .Good Man Neil , just hang in there ... you'll will not regret it .

[rockycoon]

What Willy Said...and it was perfect.

Remember..Different country's --- Different Styles and customs.

Everyone calm down and keep in mind that if they said they loved you, they do, leave it at that. Trust is a big part of marrage.
Show them that you trust them, and they will love you for that.
Keep in mind also that they have to work for a living there just like
you have to work here.  If you were living with them and supporting
them it would be a different story.  So just relax and keep in mind
that they love you.

[mustfocus]

Brett, Neil,

Guys, think of this as a challenge.  Whether it is life or your ladies, but someone is testing your resolve.  I'm sure your ladies love you.  But this is also catchup season for them.  Because they get a week to two weeks off, they do have to catch up to their quotas.  They might not show it, but not talking or seeing you guys is probably taking a toll on them as well.

Trust me, I haven't spoken to my lady for nearly a week.  She went to go see some relatives who live a good distance away and then once she returned (yesterday for me), she had to get ready to leave today (well, yesterday) to take a 15 hour train ride to her new job.  She's going to need a day to recover and organize herself in her new living space.  I do miss her a lot!  But I know that she will be back.  I sent her an email and I know she will reply once she has a chance.

I've been told that I am very cliched, but I do believe in the saying ... "Good things come to those who wait".  Give your ladies the time and support they need and when they get a chance, they will return that in spades to you.

[brett]

Thanks guys, there's some useful stuff here, especially from Willy!

Actually I think the fact that my lady is quite independent will suit me quite well if we actually get to the marriage stage. But at the moment it sucks. It also doesn't help that I've hit one of those troughs in life when pretty much everything is rubbish. I'm really annoyed my Valentine's parcel has gone awol as well, that would have scored a lot of :heart::heart::heart:.

I am starting to think that our future lies in Asia, so at least I can keep myself busy learning the language and setting up some cash cows that would make it all possible to move over there in a few years. I think we will end up being next door neighbours to Mr & Mrs Willy :icon_cheesygrin:.

Anyway, hang in there Neil, Nina is lovely! Is your local area multicultural? If so tell Nina about all the Chinese stores, mixed race couples you've seen etc.! I am very lucky in that the UK is so multicultural and there are so many Chinese students in work that sometimes I feel I'm back in Wuhan. In fact the only showstopper is that I can't find Chinese pineapple beer in the UK and I don't know if my lady will be able to live without it :dodgy:.

[brett]

Well here's a bit of an update.

Having thought about things a bit more, I do appreciate what my brothers are telling me here. Yes it would be tragic to let cultural differences to spoil a promising relationship. I am desparately trying to keep our relationship alive. But guys, it takes two people to have a relationship, and I have to face up to the facts that I am doing most of the work here.

Yes my lady is busy but then so am I. I am not naive. I know she has QQ on her phone and I know she checks it constantly. She refuses to discuss travel plans and hasn't appeared to have made a damn bit of effort in finding me a new translator like I requested. I am really sick to death of messing around with Google translations - today it is actually giving me different translations of identical text that I typed yesterday. I need a translator and I don't know who I can trust enough, so I want my lady to find one.

So regretfully I've had to send her a tough love email. It would burn me up inside to end our relationship but there is no shortage of beautiful ladies in China, and from speaking to the sisters on this board I know just how anxious they are to find a husband.

I'm sorry to say that my time since I got back from Wuhan has been the most miserable of my entire life. I don't mind the waiting between visits, but I do mind being messed around :@.

[Vince G]

Brett, I hear you, but before you jump to conclusions be sure. I'm holding on for dear life to the relationship hoping I'm not being played either. I don't see that I am but there's that little bit that keeps the door open. But for now until I KNOW different, I'm sticking with her.

My lady took a new job. She had said that the boss takes the employees on vacations to other countries? She would be going with (this past January). She's never flown on a plane or been out of China. So what am I going to do? Tell her no?

She said she was going to South Africa at the beginning of January and will be back before the (chinese) new year. For January I sent a total of 2 emf's. She got a new phone and was getting a sim card when she got back so I can't call. Her last letter she said they are doing some business there (forming a partnership) and will stay a while longer. A few days ago I sent a letter and also sent an email to the translator, Where is she? The letter shows as delivered? and the translator emailed back, she might be there for another month? She hasn't emailed me, no phone calls, just a few letters (short). But I have to trust her. It's her work. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[odysseus007]

Brett, I hear you, but before you jump to conclusions be sure. I'm holding on for dear life to the relationship hoping I'm not being played either. I don't see that I am but there's that little bit that keeps the door open. But for now until I KNOW different, I'm sticking with her.

My lady took a new job. She had said that the boss takes the employees on vacations to other countries? She would be going with (this past January). She's never flown on a plane or been out of China. So what am I going to do? Tell her no?

She said she was going to South Africa at the beginning of January and will be back before the (chinese) new year. For January I sent a total of 2 emf's. She got a new phone and was getting a sim card when she got back so I can't call. Her last letter she said they are doing some business there (forming a partnership) and will stay a while longer. A few days ago I sent a letter and also sent an email to the translator, Where is she? The letter shows as delivered? and the translator emailed back, she might be there for another month? She hasn't emailed me, no phone calls, just a few letters (short). But I have to trust her. It's her work. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

If your lady is extremely comely do beware of the boss, my ex had a lot of unwanted attention from her bosses, at least 3 of them, and usually dirty old men lool, one even had a wife & mistress already.

[brett]

Thanks Vince.

Yes I am holding on for dear life. I'm reasonably sure there are no other men involved. I'm not sending her any more money (although I didn't send that much anyway). I know that her job is demanding. Heck, when I went to Japan my hotel was opposite an office and the salarymen were having board meetings at 10pm. Asians like to work all hours, but I'm not sure they are any more productive than we are. When I was in China there was an awful lot of that QQ Farm thing going on in offices!!!

I have got used to the gaps in communication. That's what my lady is like, and I have to put up with it.

My main problem is that we are going nowhere. There is no point us continuing if all we can talk about on QQ is cats and the weather. For me the ditching of the agency EMF translator for reasons unknown was a disaster. I have been exceptionally patient. I waited while her mother recovered, I waited until New Year was over. How much longer should I wait? I am on the verge of losing my precious holiday entitlement, and that hurts.

I'll see what my lady says after reading my email. I am sure we can talk things over - if not then I guess I'll go visit my uncle in Thailand, he assures me that he can find me a lovely wife!