having children

[rockycoon]

Shaun, don't worry old buddy your in safe hands,  Willy has printed out everything....:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin: I'm sure he would not
open those files....or would he....music from twilight zone plays........

[shaun]

Point understood and taken.

[Irishman]

Not sure if this merits a topic in its own right but here goes.

I have discussed having children with my future Lao Po and she has worries about bringing up a child in the west without her mother living in house helping her.
In China it seems to be the norm for the mother in law to live in house and basically act as a nanny or surrogate second mother to the child.

I discussed this with a colleague in work who is Chinese and he suggested hiring a Chinese nanny for the first few months instead as a solution.
Have you guys discussed this with your wives or if you already have a wife and kid in the west, how did you take care of the first one especially?

[shaun]

Irish,

Peggy has a 2 year old granddaughter.  Her daughter constantly asks her to come live with them and take care of her granddaughter.  Peggy refuses.  When she does go, she tells me she will be gone two weeks and is always back in one.  She tells me she has raised her kinds and now wants to find a happy life for herself.  Peggy does get along very well with her granddaughter and many times our web-cam visits are interrupted by a visit from the granddaughter.  It is charming when it happens.

I can't tell you if this a result of the new modern Chinese woman or not.  I don't ask her about it much because I am the benefactor of Peggy's attention a lot and I like it. :icon_biggrin:

Shaun

[Arnold]

This is a touchy subject . To this day , I still don't know if Qing really meant it .. when she said . If we have a Child we can alway's send it to my Parents , as I need to work here because of the Economy being so bad . Talk about how quilty I would feel doing that to the 60's plus Parent's . They take care of Qing's Son ( 8 ) already which is a blessing by itself . But , I'm leaning towards .. that she really means it .

[ttwjr32]

Touchy subject indeed. But i feel it is one that needs to be discussed and an agreement
reached between both parties. But i do know that in the west we do not for the most part
depend on our parents to raise our children and it has not caused a major development in the
way the children turn out. In fact it is quite the opposite there were children raised without
parental intervention are usually the ones who turn out a little disfunctional. Part of the reason
for that in China is the shear competitiveness for jobs out there with the amount of people looking
or seeking work and that requires many long hours working for subpar wages and being at the disposal
of a company that for lack of a better description abuses the hell out of their employees. Also their is
that discrimination towards anyone over a certain age that makes them disposable at any time. in other words
no labor laws so to speek of. That is not the case in the west if you do your job. What is exactly the purpose of
a child if your going to send him or her 7500 miles away to be raised?? Seems to me that defeats the whole
purpose as to why you would want a child.It again all goes back to you have to blend the good from both
cultures into one household and that decision should be discussed and agreed upon by both parties before
you even embark on something like this. I might be old fashioned in the sense that if i was to have children
again then it would be because of the love that my wife and i have together and we should be there to share
and grow and develop that child not grandma and grandpa . Children dont ask to be brought into the world they
are brought into the world by two people who should accept and nurture them. its not all about the almighty
dollar and if you do have a nanny it should be based on responsibilty not nationality. sorry i feel so strongly
about this but i have just seen to much in all my years and wonder why  ok now that i probably made a few people
mad i will stop now.

[Irishman]

Ted, good and interesting points.
There is one more aspect to bring to the table here. My Chinese colleague tells me there is more to having the parent take care of the child post pregnancy, there is taking care of the wife too. Apparently there are special foods to be eaten after the child birth for the first month or so that is considered very important. Now I don't know the first thing about these "special foods" or how and when to prepare them. These are supposed to be things passed on from mother to daughter.
So having a child mean you gotta take care of the kid and the mother in a certain way at least that's the way it seems.
My own take on it is that after the first one there wont be the same worries or fears on both sides so we can probably do it more western style, i.e. go it pretty much alone.

[David5o]

Ronan,

Can't remember exactly in what thread, but Maxx has posted on exactly this topic. I think much of his post was based on his own wife having there first child..... And yes!!, they do have some strange customs when it comes to caring for newborns and the mother, ....pre and post birth!!!  lol!!

David....

[ttwjr32]

The Chinese have all sorts of special foods and what you should eat and when. Some good
and some old wives tales so to speak. But i think we could rule out beer and whiskey. When
my wife was pregnant she craved and ate  ice cream, certain different candy bars,pickles,
and hoagies  now if i would mention these items to my wife now she would probably have a
fit. but everything turned out well with the kidsand including her weight after pregnancy in fact i think i picked
up all the weight from the pregnancy. and still have it hahahaha what about moving your
mother n law in with you? is that an option to settle and have Sunny feel better in this
situation? We had a housekeeper for 12 years that lived in with us but all she did was cook and clean
and did the food shopping as we took the sole responsibility of rearing the kids. probably would have
had her a few more years but she was in a car accident and died when a drunk driver hit her car.
She was a really a joy of a lady who didnt deserve what happened to her and all those years she helped
to alleviate things around the house for us so WE could be the parents to our kids even more so. we must have
done somethig right because both our sons have big families and are a big part in their childrens lives all 7 of them

[David5o]

.

Different countrries, different culture, different customs!!! Customs tend to work best in the countries and culture where they originate from, less so where they are considered ''Inappropriate''.
This is especially the case where particular customs from another culture are considered to be totally ''Alien''

The older customs tend to be born out of necessity and/or making life easier for individules and families. So don't take your customs to a foreign country and expect them to be respected, and likewise, for those coming from foreign countries, shouldn't expect their customs to be respected either...

In the case of mixed culture marriages, ...then each have to respect and blend the two cultures and customs the best way they can. Where children are conserned, that can be harder than you first thought!! ....But not insolvable with a little compromise and understanding from both sides.....

David.......

[mustfocus]

Guys,

What you're talking about is the confinement period.  For 30 days after the birth, the mother and child aren't really supposed to leave the house.  This is because of the belief that the mother's body has been severely weakened by the birth, so this period is to help her build up her strength again and to help with providing food for the newborn.  Whether this is necessary in this age, maybe, maybe not (this tradition goes back at least hundreds if not thousands of years), but is still practiced.

How each family practices the traditions is different.  For example, there is the belief that the mother should not take a shower (she is allowed to wipe off) or bath as that will open up her body to catching a cold or flu more easily (remember, many of the houses in the countryside don't have the bathroom in the same building as the rest of the house...and little heating back then).  Others... no fried foods...and must have red-date soup among the foods consumed.  Others believe no "heating" foods...

Besides, remember that many of our cultural quirks are also strange to them...

[maxx]

Ok guys Iv'e read all your posts and most of you have got it real close to right.As far as me and my wife and her family are concerned.Yes when the kid is born it is Chinese custom for grandparents to take care of the kid.For the first 30 days.Just like mustfocus said.And for the same reasons he said.Plus a few more.That have to do with Chinese customs.Infinite mortality rates is still very high in some parts of China.So what has worked in the past to keep the mother and the baby alive is still practiced today.

Grandparents taking care of the kids.Is still practiced.And is expected.Do not be suprised 30 days after the new baby.Your wife tells you she wants to send the kid to China.Or have her mother live with you.So that her parents can take care of the kid.The reason being is.The chase of the almighty doller.And Chinese wisdom.The older generation is supposed to be wiser.Because they have done this before.So they know how to take care of babies.It does not matter.If you have had kids from a previose marraige.You still do not know anything.About babies or how to take care of them.Her mother knows better then you do.And her mother knows more about raising kids.Then your own mother.So be prepared.Be prepaired to have those kids with you all the time.The only exceptable baby sitter is her mother.And your mother for a short time..Maybe a couple of hours.

You do have to blend the 2 cultures.When the kids are sick or just uncomfortable.Let your wife call her mother.And follow what her mothers advises.Untill it becomes dangerouse or hazerdouse to there health.Don't be suprised if you have to drive 30 miles in a ragging blizard to get the special food.Right after the baby is born.Don't be suprized if your wife refuses to wash her hair for a week after the baby is born.These things.Have ben passesd down for centuries.And you are not going to change her mind.

If you want to hold the baby it is ok.As long as your wife or her mother are there to supervise you.At no time are you allowed to hold the baby without your wife there.For the first five months.If you break this rule.I guarantee there will be hell to pay.

Each women is going to act a little different before and after the baby is born.Mood swings seem to be normal.Post partem  depression.seems to run rampent for about 3 weaks after the baby is born.I have seen the depression in a couple of my wifes family members.It can go from a little depression.To full blown depresion.Where you need to watch your wife and the baby closely.

As far as the kids living with there grandparents.That was not a option for me.I was not real comfortable with that.So we worked out a comprimise.I did everything her mother would do for the first month.Then After are oldest was three months old.We took him to China.And left him with her mother for a weak.With the youngest boy.I did it all again.And they are all going to China next spring to stay for a couple of months.I will stay here and work.Or I mite help my wife get her and the boys to China.Then I will go to Bangkok or Okinawa or Japan.For a couple of weaks.Then come back to the states.I havent decided yet.

If the baby is born in your country.It is going to be a struggle for your wife.Everything from the doctor visits to the delivary of the baby.They do things so different in the west then they do in China.When it comes to the pregnancy and the delivary of the baby.So be ready to explain whats going on.And why the doctors did what they did.Especially if this is your wifes first child.

[rockycoon]

I believe the 30 day confinement is because any doctor will tell you that if you boogie-woogie in that 30 days, she is ripe for
getting pregnate agian, because of the hormones or somthing.  Perhaps that is why the rule or China would be overrun with
kids. (more than it is now).

[maxx]

Rocky no that isn't it.The thirty day bed rest is a Chinese thing.You are not supposed to be getting any for 6 weeks after the baby is born.Because of the risk of infection.And uncontrolable bleeding.Because the uteris isn't back to it's normal size.

[shaun]

I am not trying to be obnoxious but how do they think their husbands wound up just fine in this world? I agree with the blending of 2 cultures but I think sometimes from what I am reading and experiencing, a little, it is more of us doing the blending than they do.  I am sore glad I am past all of the children bearing issues.  It does give me insight though.  Peggy keeps telling me that she will take very good care of my grand`children when my children start having them.  I guess I had better prepare my kids for it.