Not sure what to make of this...

[Axiom]

Hello,

While I didnt meet this woman through chnlove I am still going to post it here since places like this have some of the greatest info and insight into the Chinese womans mind I have seen.


I met this woman online through Livemocha.. and we were friends for a year and then one day we were up talking and we realized we had a real connection and started to have a relationship... she sent me love notes and chocolates... i sent her gifts and roses, for 6 months everything seemed fine.

Then about two days ago she sends me this.....


"     Dave, I decide to give it a shot, but can we make a compromise ? Because only when we really meet each other can we truly know weather we are compatible ,isn't it ? And that can't be realized before I graduate .So I want to talk it over with you : can we lose contact before I graduate ? That means no talk on MSN,no email,no phone call .Because even we talk everyday, there is nothing we can do in this year,but pain result from missing.And we are not in a relationship anymore. So if you find another women that really compatible with you ,you are completely free to date.And I will bless you and support you as a friend .
     This year will be a test to our love and it's a chance for us to calm down and rethink our choice.
     If you don't find another women ,we can try to contact each other in next June,maybe Childrens' Day,that's one month before I graduate,then we can arrange in advance when and where will we meet .
     How do you think of that ?  Is that okay with you ?"


I know about the loyalty of a Chinese woman, but a year? and why?

Does anyone have insight on why she would do something like this? And why she tells me to find another woman if she wants to come back to me?

I am getting mixed signals here and I am not sure what to think....

//--- this thread is proof women the world over dont know what they want ;P

[odysseus007]

A "Dear John" letter, IMHO. I have never heard anything so absurd.

Now the chips are down... either go meet her or hold your breath for a year... Probably she met somebody else.

[shaun]

If it is possible I'd get over there asap and meet her.  She may be thinking you will never come and want to get on with her life.  For her the clock is ticking.  Having been there I will tell you it makes all of the difference in the world.  If you need to sell something of value or if you have the money I'd go.  Beg, borrow or steal, not literally but you get the idea.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Hi Axiom , This young lady has brains , the most important thing for her at present is to graduate , and fair enough , graduating to both her and her family must come first , as you have as I read it been conversing with her for 18 months and in all that time not visited her , you could either firm up to meet her in her major semester break , probably around September or just go with what she has said .
 She is obviously studying hard  and it is not cheap to go through uni in China along with then finding a job , so I would say relax ask her if you may talk 1 time a week and also chat to others , most Chinese women seem very philosophical about the future , and until things are set in stone face to face nothing is permanent , regards Robert .

[Willy The Londoner]

Lets hang fire here guys.  She says when she 'Graduates'.  How old is she.  She must be still at Uni. or College.  The last year is most important as the exams in a year or so time will define what sort of degree she gets.

I think you are just on the back burner until she graduates.  She has a lot of studying to do between now and then and she does not want to be so involved in the run up to graduation.   She knows how she feels and maybe in the back of her mind she wants nothing to happen that may well affect her results or anything happening that may well stop her taking the exam altogther.  I do not have to spell that out, she is young and able and I expect you are as well.

She is making a serious decision and she should not down cry her she is looking to the future.  What if she concentrates on our brother more than her exams.  If she does not pass with high marks then the years would have been wasted.

She need high marks to get even a mediocre job here and if you do do not work out and she has not the qualifications then where will it leave her.

She is a very wise lady and if you are able to wait then I would if you are young enough.
 
If you cannot wait another year because age is catching up on you then what do i say.  Let her go and let someone else have the pleasure of a very sensible young lady in a couple of years time.

Willy

[Zhuzhu]

Sometimes people think differently, but there IS such a way of thinking in relationship. She is very rational and her mind is kinda avant-garde.

We have to confess that physical relationship is as important as emotional relationship in a relationship. When in long distance relationships, all seems so weak. I think she is not so confident in this relationship. From your words, I guess she is still in school, so she will also have a lot of people to choose in the future. She also has to concentrate on her study. While you will also have many chances as you are in your country, not in China. She does not know what you are thinking about when you are not close to her. Many things could happen.

I do not think it is about a kind of loyalty, she is just not confident in this relationship or she is not well prepared for this international long distance relationship. She has many things to worry about.

[Axiom]

Hmmm, a lot of conflicting views here... well maybe this will help... I spoke to her again asking her what she meant.. and telling her I was very sad since only monday she sent me a nice card saying I was the true love in her life....

This is what she replied...




   My heart really ache for making you feel so bad. You can totally trust my loyalty. I never thought I will have a second marriage ,so I'm pretty prudent to seek my soul mate and I do not fall in love easily when I said you can find another women ,you really think I'd like to let you go ? No, I said that because I'm afriad wait for me will make you miss the chance of meeting other women . I said that just in case you miss a great woman, if I love you ,I wish you can be happy . Since I don't know what my future will be ,let alone OUR future.
 
    Yes,you are right ,if you want to make it happen ,you can make it happen .But can I just leave my parents and other family alone and fly to U.S. ? There are many practical things that I will  take into consideration,such as your career and my career . I'm still struggling ,and I don't want to bother you by this and hurt you once more .
 
    And sometimes I DO wonder if I'm the right woman for you , because we have never met and there are many sides you don't know about me .You see my kind side ,but don't see my ambitious side(besides that ,I'm stubborn sometimes),I don't know weather I can be a good wife if I'm so ambitious in career .I was thinking of join the army,you may think I'm insane ,but that is really what I'm thinking about . I want to strengthen my will by millitary training.I'm not sure if you can tolerate such a woman in your house. I want to assure this when we really meet .If we freeze this relationship for a while, then if you don't think I'm the right one for you when we meet , we won't feel so sad.
 
    Dave,I don't mean I will give up on us,seriously I will try after I graduate when I have a chance to talk with you face to face. And I will not fall in love with any other man in this year ,because all of my concerntration is on postgraduate exams. But like I said ,I still don't want you to miss the chance to date a great woman .  
 
    Children's Day is 1st,June .I hope we can talk at that time .
 
    Take care of yourself  !



I already told her I would gladly move to China (Unfortunately I cant go right now since I just left work to go back to school myself, ironically to try and build a better life for us) since there seems to be a lot more work there for Flash/Web designers there then there is in the states... but i am guessing like Willy is the closest on what her intentions are (i think, I am a computer nerd so reading peoples intentions are sometimes difficult).

EDIT: I think maybe what throws me so much is the fact she wants me to look for another woman instead of waiting, (which I said I was willing to do) In western culture I would totally see this as a "Dear John" letter... but then she does a 180 and says she will look for me after a year... but with no contact? Very conflicting statements....

[rockycoon]

Go visit my man, get a plane ticket and go visit and do it soon (very soon) or you will loose this lady.  She loves you
but is confused at this time.  Go visit and streathen this relationship and then let her have her studies.  Heck, she is even
talking military service now.  That would be insult to injury or pouring salt on the wound.  So go visit and show her that
you are the man of her dreams, then support her studies.

[odysseus007]

I would go, if I were you, even if I have to put on a gangly tall blue Avatar with a cute tail :icon_cheesygrin:

[Axiom]

really? I am not sure how I will put the money together... or if I even tell her I want to come if she will reply... but what the hey! I never met anyone like her before... anyone have an extra thousand dollars lying around? Its for a good cause! :icon_cheesygrin:

[ttwjr32]

my opinoin this is a lady who knows what is important to her and right now that
is to finish her studies. visiting her will not change that. very smart woman in thinking at
her young age what exactly she wants. offer to keep in touch with her at certain times and
take an interest in how she is doing support her in her studies and be there for her for any issues
she might want to discuss. THAT is how you will strenthen this relationship. one member here stated
she is not confident in this relationship  quite contrary she is a very confident and determined lady and
she knows what she wants. give her a little space and keep in contact with her even if its not as often
as you want the end result might amaze you but for sure dont push her into something. she is not some
young lady looking for a way out or trying to settle she has goals and you must admire that. hang in there
because you have found one with her head in the right place who thinks leaving China is the answer

[Axiom]

Thanks so much for the advice ttwjr32

You really hit her personality on the head! In fact one of the reasons I was so attracted to her is she has strong convictions and knows what she wants.

This is the card I got just a few days ago with the chocolate she sent...

"Dearest Dave, I love you more than you can imagine!!!
May your life be full of sunshine and smile(s) everyday!!! --Ting"


I really dont want to lose her since I never had a deep of connection with anyone before.. but I guess that old adage is true: If you love something set it free, If it doesn't return.. it was never yours... well, i think thats close anyway But the way you worded it... makes the most sence to me. She is not the kind of woman who you hold onto to tightly... she (like myself) is a free spirit and giving her space seems logical.

Double thanks again for everyones insight on the matter! :icon_cheesygrin:

[ttwjr32]

that space will very well turn into a wonderful life together looks like or sounds like she
loves you but wants to finish what goals she has and there is nothing wrong with that

KEEP IN TOUCH and the end results will turn out right. she is not looking to be dependant
on someone she wants to be a contributor in the relationship. nothing wrong with that
but a lot of people (guys) dont get that.and on my previous post it was a typo error she THINKS that leaving CHINA
is NOT the answer she wants to be ready and able to contribute and survive
in her relationship and if that means LIVING in CHINA then she will be ready for that

[Arnold]

KEEP IN TOUCH and the end results will turn out right. she is not looking to be dependant on someone she wants to be a contributor in the relationship. nothing wrong with that but a lot of people (guys) dont get that.

Ted , you discribed my Wife also . As she is now dependent on me , it is eating away at her NOT having a Job to contribute to our Relationship as of yet . All the other things around the House she does , don't mean a thing to her .. it's NOT work as she says . As westerners must realize this quality in these Women as a big positive NOT a negative . Western Women should take note !

[odysseus007]

Ok, I admit that with the extra info given, it does not seem like a Dear John, so if you have survived 18 months without real face-to-face contact or remote visual contact, then probably the 2 of you are very much different from most folks who need the extra security of that closer contact. And another 12 months without any contact may be tolerable. I know I could not stand it, but I am not you.