These Chinese women

[Peter Arnold]

 Hi guys, I need some advice on how to deal with these ladies attitude on seeing more than one lady.
Okay, so I thought I might come unhinged sooner or later. I have been writing to a lady in Shenyang. She knew that I had been writing to another, but was determined to meet me at the airport and make a go of it. So I admired her for that. But at some point, I told her that I was having trouble getting support from my family. She immediately said maybe it's not a good time for me to come and see her. I had already booked my tickets! And I had lost the other lady due to illness in the family ( So she said)
So I decided to open up my profile again and bingo, I struck up a friendship with another in Changsha.
I had sent a letter back to Shenyang explaining the cultural differences between families and how I didn't need my families approval. So she wrote back and said she understood. So now I'm juggling two ladies again! I found I had a better relationship with S from Changsha, but was still committed to R from Shenyang as that was where my flight was booked to. I recieved an EMF from S and I picked up that she was annoyed that I was going to Shenyang first to see R. I explained that I had only kept the relationship at a friendship level and that our relationship was more intimate, because it was. I felt a better connection with S. So, tonight I get an EMF saying she is not sure that she wants to see me as she is a one man woman. Her husband left her for another man and obviously still feels the rejection. So, what do I do, as if I had the option, I would have visited S in Changsha first, as that was where my heart wanted to go. Anyway, I guess I am hurt that I have told her my feelings for her and that unfortunately I had made a commitment before I met her to meet R in Changsha. Any advice or words of wisdom on my predicament. Its a damn long way to fly to pin your hopes on one woman!

[Neil]

At the very least, never tell them that there is someone else.  Until you decide which is the one, neither needs to know anything about the other - doing so only hurts them both.  There's limits even to honesty.  Everyone has secrets. 

[JamesM.Roberts]

Dear Peter,
I have to say I agree with Mpo-My lady informed me, right before my departure, that she was not "officially divorced" and I thought okay....time  for me to let every available female in the area to know of my arrival.  I am so glad I did not follow through on my first instincts.
At first I felt very betrayed, but as time went on, and I tried to see things through "her" eyes, everything started to make perfect sense.  Please ask yourself which lady is supporting you, you said you were having problems, of your family supporting you?(but had already purchased your tickets??)
Please know these ladies can spot a player a mile away. That is why they are searching to foreigners for everlasting happiness.  They are used to players.  They are devoted companions if the devotion is reciprocated.   I believe your happiness awaits if you take a chance. your friend James

[Vince G]

I'm agreeing with Neil on this one but you put it out there already. I too am writing two women. Neither knows about the other. It's a "don't ask, don't tell". Chinese women all women are women, though you think your being honest with them they don't want to know it. Your lining yourself up for a rough ride.

That being said I suggest down playing what your doing when visiting the other. Use the word friends instead. I would visit the lady in Shenyang first though she's been waiting longer.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Peter , what you tell is on a need to know basis at first , if your first lady in Shenyang did not work out , there are another 10,000 eligible ladies in that town alone , when are you off ? when I first went to China as far as my family knew I was off to see China and to meet up with people I had been talking to , my first intro through chnlove which was before videocams were popular was a flop but I had a terrific 2 weeks and from my 2nd visit things have been perfect until you are face to face it is still an almost unknown , but the cams are a great help , but do not forget that if the ladies are working they would have to arrange for any time off to be made up later or if they cannot have time off you will not see much of them at all as they will have started a holiday break today for a number of days , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[Pineau]

Peter, that is quite a predicament you have gotten into. I bet you wish you had never told one about the other. But it is too late to take it back now. If it was me I would  downplay the meeting with the other woman and try to restore her confidence  that your real objective for coming to china is to see her. That probably wont work but its the only thing I think has a chance.

I don't agree that you should just pick one and crush the other. Unless you meet them how on earth are you going to know you are making the right decision. You can learn a lot about someone through emails and chats. But that is only if the other person is being completely honest with you in the emails. I think that face to face meetings ans spending some time together is the only way to comfirm your feelings for someone.  I personally have had a real difficult time in choosing from a profile and a few emails what I expect to be my lifelong companion.

I am in Beijing right now on the  same quest as you. I am taking a slightly different approach but the endgame is the same. I have been communicating with about 20 different women in china and have over time eliminated all but 10 from  my list. I have not talked commandments or marriages with any of them. Only that I was interested in learning more about them. I think that level of involvement keep you from "crushing" the ladies that you do not chose. They will be disappointed but not devastated..

NONE of the women I am seeing knows anything at all about the others. My reason for being in China is vacation mixed with a little business. I am deliberately vague  so I don't need to lie or make up stories.  So my mixed business vacation gives me reason to be nearby and oh by the way would you like me to take you dinner and possibly spend a couple of days  visiting with you. I know it is being sneaky but how else are you going to see them withought them telling them the real purpose of your trip and risk her canceling your visit altogether.  I'm not sure this is going to work and I may be found out but that is my strategy and I am sticking to it.

WhenI am finished here in Beijing I am headed to Shenyang and beyond. Perhaps  we will cross paths in Shenyang or Changsha.  GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

[Peter Arnold]

Thanks guys for everyone who has offered advice. I appreciate it all. I am going to do the 24 hour thing and sit with it. I am leaving tomorrow for Shenyang on the 23rd September. The first lady has taken 3 days off to spend with me. So I will play it by ear and see if I can get the one in Changsha back on board as I really want it to work with her. I guess part of my problem has been with the difference between the studio photos and the real thing. As I said in my post, the lady in Changsha was dumped for another woman, so she doesn't want that again, even though I have asked her to trust me. I have been open and honest with her. The first lady in Shenyang is a widow, so I suppose she is more open to the opportunity of a new start. I am not a player with women and I know you guys understand that it can be like finding a needle in a haystack, and an expensive exercise. So thanks guys for all your input and I'll keep you posted on my rollercoaster ride in my search for my Chinese wife.
Peter from Downunder.

[David E]

Let me just get my head around the scenario you describe, Peter...

You arrive in Shenyang and have a pleasant time with Lady A...

You tell her that now you must go to Changsa to meet Lady B...so you tell her "I'm off now to Changsha, and if the Lady B I am meeting there is better than you, I wont return, but if she is not what I expected I will be back in a few days to resume this relationship"......

In a pig's ear !!!!!! What makes you think that Chinese Ladies' attitude to two-timing is any different to any other brand of Lady

Were it me , I probably would scratch your eyes out, same as most Western Women would do. But these Chinese lovelies dont to that, they would just walk away with extreme dignity and once more believe that Western Men were all players.

You cant play with peoples emotions in such a cavalier way, it is cruel and mightily disrespectful.

Go to China and see as many Women as you want, but dont treat them as commodities to be used in this way. Getting a Chinese wife is not cheap, is not easy and requires you to be prepared to work hard at it, and spend some money doing it. As Maxx always says....."if it were that easy, everyone would be doing it"

If you are travelling to see ANY Lady that you only have EMF experience with, then be prepared for a shock...there are hundreds of posts here about the dangers of not having face-to-face contact on QQ or some such. So far, you have probably been corresponding mainly with a translator ?....the real woman will be virtually unknown to you. So be prepared.

As they say, "it's time to P**ss or get off the pot". Dont get many different women involved in your indecisions, as Mike said, you will most likely loose them all !! They have their dignity and pride too,  you know. It is a bad thing to expect them to tolerate being played off against another, in fact, by Chinese standards, this loss of dignity/face is about the worst crime possible.

DavidE

[maxx]

Peter I'm going to agree with David E on this.You will be lucky if she doesn't leave you setting in the motel room.And you wondering what the hell happened.I know you have spent allot of time and effort.To try to find the right Woman.The lady that you are writing to has spent twice the money.And made twice the effort you have.

This little journey is not about just you.It is about.Two people two lives two sets of hopes and dreams.You need to remember that before.You ever try to pull a stunt like this again.

It is not called the 24 hour thing.It is called the 24 hour rule.Live it love it learn it.If you had used the 24 hour rule.You would not be in the predicament.That you find yourself in now.

I do hope that this all works out for you.But I don't hold much hope that it will.Like David E said.You took the ladies face.So she doesn't think real kindly of you right now.

[Jimmy]

I hate when I must hear it. But man remember when you thought I was getting on to you a while back.
This is exactly what I was trying to warn you about. But nobody listens to Jimmy.
Sorry man I really do hope you figure this out . Sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way.
By the way I think Mike has the way to go for you. It would be my choice.
And also with the attitude and direction you have taken on this. You are a prime target for a scam.
If you go home with nothing as far as a match. Consider yourself lucky.
Have more faith in yourself, and arrogance is not faith. Many of these women have few options this is true. But they still have options.

When I first started a few years ago I made myself a rule. Only 1 at a time, the woman I was writing to gets my undivided attention.  It takes a little longer sure. But I was not in a hurry. I was looking for my life's partner not just someone to have sex and a good time with. I didn't need to meet them in person first to know.
I could tell by the writing, And then see them on web cam I knew they were the same I had been talking to all along. Not running off to china in the first 30 days does have it benefits. Have faith in yourself.
Arrogance, needing a guarantee,  the girl wasn't pretty enough, what if it doesn't work out. these and many more are just signs of a guys own insecurity.

My wife is a very beautiful woman. And I have heard most all of the guys here say that about their own wives. And then you see pictures of a very nice looking woman, but you think to yourself she's not really all that. But then it happens to you. You meet this girl she loves you as no one ever has and in your eyes she is truly the most beautiful woman you ever dreamed of. This is true love my friend. and it will make you blind. and it is the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you.
Don't be in a hurry, don't try and cut corners. Do it the right way and no matter what it takes or what it cost in time or money. It will be Priceless I promise and give my guarantee.

[Peter Arnold]

Thanks Jimmy, I appreciate your comments. I don't feel that all is lost. I will see how it goes with the lady in Shenyang and if we don't hit it off, I will contact a woman who was a translator  between myself and another lady. So she has offered to help me find another lady from her agency. She did give me her private email address but unfortunately it will not connect so I have asked her to contact me through the ladies profile via EMF. So I will not be without support. And my Mandarin teacher in Australia has a brother and good friend living in the heart of Shenyang. She has told them of my coming and her friend runs an English college in Shenyang and she wants to connect with me. I also have a parcel I have to give her. So I don't think all of the harsh scenarios that some guys have posted will necessarily come about. I do appreciate any advice that comes from others experience here, but in the end I have to make decisions and live with the consequences. I have always asked for natural photos and email addresses. Some don't have a computer,so webcam has been a no go. That's why I decided the only way to see who I was talking to was to visit China. So thanks for the advice. I will keep you posted when I arrive.

[Martin]

Good luck on your trip.  I look forward to reading about your adventures in China.  Enjoy your time there.  It is a fascinating place.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Have a safe and enjoyable trip Peter , keep the Aussie flag flying high , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[Arnold]

Yes .. these Chinese Women are something else , especially my LaoPo .

As Qing is going to her English Class twice a week , her grammar is really improving a lot . So much , that when she now reads my Blog .. she will come running to me and tell me "You make a mistake" ! Oh she loves to find them and shows me on her Translator , that's not spelled that way or the grammar is not right . Hahahaha I love it , chinese Lady is correcting my German-English .. when I should be teaching her English . This Woman is full of Love and Surprises for sure .

[Wilfred Motosue]

I will tell you what I did and which worked for me. I think the key to seeing several women on a trip to China is BEING HONEST. Tell ALL of them that you will see others when you go to visit them because I cannot tell what kind of person each woman is until we meet face to face. Tell tham after meeting all of them, then if I meet someone I think that I am interested in , then I  will only write and talk to her. Unless , of course there is two perhaps and it is still hard to choose one. But even in that case, just be honest with both of them and everything should work out okay. If one of the women does not like how you are doing your search, then perhaps she might not be the one you would want for a wife anyway. Perhaps God has closed that door .  I also told them that they should do the same with men they meet. With divorce rate being 50% of married couples , in and out of church, the couple has to do whatever they can to really know each other before committing to each other.  So in everything you say and do with the women you meet and whomever you eventually get together with ,  always be honest to her and I don't think you can go wrong. Good luck.