In a really bad position - Maybe?

[Lain]

OK, so been a long time since I posted here...and I think that is a major mistake, because now I need to get some advice...QUICKLY!

Short story, met a beautiful lady over a year ago on chnlove. Things were working out great, had some issues (to be expected) and after about 10 months I finally went to China to meet her. Overall it was a good impression, she is young (25) and this had me concerned but she did not think this was an issue..I am 39. So after 4 more months of chatting together and having some serious conversations, I asked her how she felt about me moving to China so that we could continue our relationship. It took some time to work out the details, but she agreed and I packed up my life, sold off everything else since I was planning on moving to China to stay (even of things did not work out with her) and as of October 1st...I left the US.

So about a week before I was to leave she decides that she wants us to move from her town (Xiaolan) to where her sister lives (Shaoguan) so that her older sister can live with us because she felt it would be safer (understandably) and because her sister could help us with problems when we needed...and I must say her sister has been a huge help with helping me to get all sorts of things done...including getting the apartment, and much MUCH more...she is a really good person and I am thankful she is here with us.

HOWEVER....the lady I came to China to live with and develop a relationship has turned out to be a nightmare!!! I am actually thinking she has a MAJOR case of Bi-Polar disorder. Her moods go from happy as a kid in a candy store one day, to an absolute bitch the next for reasons that I simply cannot explain 

Since my arrival all she argues with me about is money related issues. I have paid for EVERYTHING to get us into the apartment, deposit, first months rent, cable, internet, ...etc! In the beginning I told her that I would not pay for her sisters share of the rent, but after the first couple of weeks of her doing virtually everything like cooking, shopping, and cleaning I told her sister that she did not have to pay me anything....besides that its a trivial amount of money to me, but her help has been worth twice the cost of her share of the rent.

She got mad at me because I was not giving her enough for "girlfriend allowances" which I was giving her 1200 RMB per month (200 more than what her sister said I should give) she wants me to give her 2000 RMB because that is supposedly what her last boyfriend gave her? She is constantly saying that it my responsibility to pay all the bills, plus pay for when we go out with her sisters friends to dinner...which many times I do, but often times they refuse mu offers....which she gets mad at me for when we come home. I have purchased many new gifts for her and have taken her out to some really nice places....even went to a high end club with her sister and friends ...ran up a 1300 RMB bill for the night!!!

Yet still, she thinks I am stingy and that I am disrespectful to her and her sister because many times I have to ask what things cost...I cannot understand Chinese yet, and often times prices are not on items...what else am I to do but ask? She thinks I should just know these things I guess.

She sleeps until 2pm, does not have a job, rarely ever cooks or cleans, watches TV or plays on the internet for most of the day...and IF I am lucky, she will pay attention to me for a few hours. There is hardly ANY affection and she often times says...I am her boyfriend but she is quick to tell me that until we get to know each other better....I should consider her as "just a friend"......she is a total one way street!

So after I end up going off the deep end and writing her a letter that more or less explains my MAJOR frustration that she expects ME to pay for and do virtually everything in our relationship I said to her that I also have some expectations of my own, for starters I expect her out of bed and ready to have lunch with me (I often eat alone while she sleeps) and that I really need her help understanding the Chinese culture when it comes to what is proper for me when we are out with friends or other similar issues....at first she is open the helping me, but after a few days she stops. When I ask her why , she says point blank..."its not my job, you dont pay me, I am not your teacher"...

So after two really intense says in the same apartment where we have barely spoken a word she now tells me that I am stingy with my money, that is unhappy with me because I am rude and that I have no right to "Expect" anything from her just because I pay for everything....then she says she wants to break up with me.

Ok, so I am now in shock at this time, I give her some time to cool down and make an attempt to get some explanations as to her attitude and asked her if she truly wants to break up and move out of the apartment. She says that it depends on my "attitude" and my reply to her letter. (we still use the chnlove services for important letters) ....Now her is the kicker. She has no money, she has no job and no savings to move out. Her sister WAS the manager of a beauty salon and hired her sister, who I guess pissed off the owner of the business and fired BOTH of them!!

So now I am living with 2 ladies who are not employed, her sister has some savings and her boyfriend gives her some money...but in the end, she is basically stuck with me and just tonight told me that so long as I am in China that she is now MY RESPONSIBILITY to take care of!!..WOW

At this point I am freaking out. I do not even know what to think, or do right now?? She actually thinks that she can break up with me, still live with me and expect me to continue to pay all the bills AND she still thinks that I should giver her a monthly allowance as if she was still my girlfriend.  I have no clue what to do? I can't just toss her out, but if she is really going to break up with me...I feel no obligation to pay all her bills AND an allowance as well. I would like to think that we can overcome our problems, but after what she just said to me...I am not sure that I want too?

So, now what? Do I just say, ok you have another month I will pay the bills but by the first of December move out? I mean I paid for the apartment, I have all the receipts and I am registered with the PSB as a resident here. The cost is really not  a problem, but I am not sure I want her here anymore. Her sister is also fed up with her, and she supports my view for the most part and is also stuck in a hard place as well. She might move in with her boyfriend but she does not want too.

Some ideas my brothers....I am lost. REALLY need some advice. 

[Martin]

Personally, I think you answered your own question.  They need to go.  You are nothing more than a bank machine to her...she proves this every time she demands that you pay, and every time she does not want you to know the price of anything.

My wife, when i was in China, was more than happy to tell me the price of things,.  She knew I was curious, and often, I would tell her the equivalent Canadian price of what ever it is we were buying.  There was never an attitude.  I generally tried to pay for everything, but there were times when others would pay the bill before me.  Did this cause issues?  Not at all.  I just learned to be quicker at paying. hehe.  But even so, my wife did not get upset.  I was not expected to pay for her friends to go to KTV, but I did,.,..this was my choice, and my wife was thankful for it.

I think you are being used and abused.  A cornerstone to any relationship is respect.  And from what you write, I don't see any respect coming your way.  She is lazy, and pimping you for money.  There are so many other better women out there.  If this is how she is when she is supposedly your girlfriend, how will she be as a wife?  And if you are expected to pay "girlfriend allowances". why does she say to you that you need to be friends first?  I would cut the cash flow, and watch how fast she runs for the hills.

Dude, you can do much better.  Why live with this stress?  You could have dated an American woman, and got the same outcome.

[kenny]

I agree 100% with Martin. It seems, to me anyway that my wife sleeps late too (I am a early riser) but when she gets up (about 10am) she goes right to work and works till night time. I try to get her to slow down but she keeps at it. So believe me there are allot better women out there than the one you are with. As I read your post I was thinking, how does he stand to live like this. You sold out and went to China for this? Let her hit the road and find the woman you deserve.

[shaun]

Shaoguan may not be a safer place to live.  Crime is pretty high there.  It is a cheaper place to live than say Shenzhen of Guangzhou.

It sounds to me that you have a spoiled brat on your hands.  Why wait until December 1?  I'd boot her but you had better make sure that you talk with the landlord before you do it. You may have legal issues to deal with.  I can get in touch with a gentleman who lives there that speaks English very well.  He can help you through the communication issues to help you sort this out.

Where exactly do you live in Shaoguan?  You can PM me the answer if you choose to answer.

[Lain]

Well, I just got done having a long chat with her sister....who has been great through all of this. I do not want to cause any problems for her sister, in fact if things were different I think her sister and I would be great together?

She thinks I should just stay cool for a couple of days, ignore her sister and search for what my options are. She is also concerned that there may be some issues related to the apartment and other things and does not want the landlord to keep my deposit.

Yes, she is a brat ... but she has never been a spoiled brat. I have spoken with some of her friends and her sister and I talk fairly openly. Evidently she has has a very difficult life and from what I can tell her last boyfriend was a little abusive which explains her skittish behavior problems.

Either way I think its time to find a graceful way out of this, there is no rush since rent is due soon and I will have to pay to stay here for at very least another month. She is not going to get anything extra that is for sure. Her sister has been great so I think I need to work with her to ensure that she is not left in a bad position.

I think once I ignore her for a some length of time, start to do things on my own, maybe even go out on a date with another woman she will want to leave on her own and this might solve the problem of getting her to leave me....or it might snap her out of her attitude?

I am not a quitter,  but the 3rd marks our first month together, and I can honestly say that the past two weeks have been hell! Maybe she is just testing me again to see how far she can push before I say no more? I do not know, and to be honest I am not sure I even care anymore. She is a lovely and usually nice person, but she has shown her true colors to me and I am thinking that its time to move on.

I will provide an update in a few days, got some research to do, talk to the landlord when she comes for the rent this week and much more to do.

[Jimmy]

You my friend have been had. Her and the sister are playing good cop bad cop so to speak. They found a meal ticket. And she wants to date too?
Don't do anything different than you would if you were in the states. This is BS. Time to get tough. Don't beat her  up but you could let her think the possibility is there.
Intimidation works pretty good most of the time. And at the same time you will probably see another side of her.
Every time you break down and give her what she wants due to some lame reason, (like the sisters boyfriend does it) well your not him.  I don't know why but they can come up with some pretty stupid excuses and expect you will believe them. And just like a little kid they will continue until you put your foot down and say no.
If you are ready to end it, sitting and waiting hoping she will go away will never happen.
And no matter what happens she is going to make you out the bad guy. All of the stupid petty arguments will be her way of stalling.

Don't fight back with her it is what she is working for. She will wear you down this way.  My wife doesn't even bother anymore.  I have never been in the jam you are in but we have had a couple good ones this past 6 months.

As far as money Most of these women would never ask for it. Especially to just go out and have a good time. Mine and I know several other guys, our wives work very hard to keep us from spending it. Nit pick over a deposit and she wants you to give her more than that much every month.
When she starts in call her bluff.  At this point she will be expecting you to back down.
I have seen it before. And I hope I am wrong about this girl but I really doubt it.    Sorry to be so tough and straight forward but it is I think the best way.
I know a lot of guys were thinking it. But just wouldn't say it.
Good Luck your gonna need it.

[Vince G]

Here are one comeback when you need it.

You give her an allowance(?) but she said you don't pay her. YOU DO. and guys don't pay an allowance to a female friend. So that ends that.

She sounds like a few women I was with rolled into one. My ex included... and that's why she's an ex.

[Peter Arnold]

Hi Lain,
You have really thrown all your eggs into one basket, but I guess I don't have to tell you that. I would say that what you are experiencing with this lady is definitely NOT love. As you have said, she certainly does have emotional and co dependency issues, just for starters. You are certainly on a huge learning curve, so I am glad that you are going to slowly extricate yourself from it.
I am sorry I do not have any real advice, but you really do need to look at your part in creating this situation so you can learn and move on.
Do you have any other contacts there who speak English and support you? You really do need to find an ally. I know I would. Does her sister speak English?
I am looking forward to a good outcome for you friend,
Peter

[shaun]

Lain,

I know you are trying to be the nice guy here but really, is she being the nice woman to you? I think Jimmy has it right.  Good girl, bad girl.  Peggy sort of tried that with me and I stopped it.  If she is a good woman she will accept your no.  If not?  There will be a lifetime of difficulty.

[maxx]

Lain just leave.Life is to short for this kind of drama.And it isn't going to get any better.

[David E]

In a bad position---maybe........

There's no "maybe" about it....you are CERTAINLY in a bad position.

If there is one thing that we have found about genuine Chinese Women who care about us, is that they are FANATICAL about saving money, about pulling their weight, and about moving heaven and earth to make their Lao gong happy.

Sometimes it is almost embarrassing how much my Ming is prepared to do to make me happy....she never stops, would never dream about being asleep in bed when it is breakfast time, in fact she is always up first to make the tea !!!.

As we all know, they will go into battle with anyone to save a few cents and to look after the family financial well-being.

This early in your relationship, it seems you are just the provider of cash and an easy life for her.

There are very few options left for you........ You must make it very clear that IT STOPS NOW..........and make it clear that it is terminal if she does not reform.

Difficult to do, I know, but the way it is going is all pain for you in the future.

I totally oppose either the threat or the actuality of physical violence, but a serious shouting /anger on your part is deserved !!!...dont leave her wondering how you feel about things...dont pussy-foot around.

From what I read in your posts, you dont have a real Chinese woman there...only some caricature of a Chinese Woman behaving like the worst of the Western ones....WOW !!!

David

[Paul Todd]

Hi Lain,
I was wondering what happened to you
You are the man of the house you have to start acting like it and take back control of your life. Being proactive and not just reacting to the situations these two ladies are creating may help too. As some of the guy's have said this is not love but a meal ticket but I suspect you have already figured that out!
Maybe it's time to rethink your situation from the ground up. Can you honestly see the two of you working things out? if not prepare to move on. Is Shaoguan the place you want to live in China? I have never been but Shaun says's it might not be the safest place, so have a think about that too.  Like Max says life is way too short for this and here in China there are many more caring ladies to be found. It seems you have had a baptism of fire for your first few weeks over here and if you need a place to hold up for a few weeks my door is always open.
I would explain to the landlord what you were doing and if you want to be kind leave the place with a months rent paid so the girls have time to sort themselves out.Then move on, the landlord will take care of the rest. Put your stuff in storage and enjoy what China has to offer, If you lose your deposit on the apartment look at it as paying for your education,bottom line is theses ladies are not your problem or your responsibility.
China is a fantastic place to live it just takes a while to find your feet so stay positive, keep your eyes open and a smile on your face and you will be OK. Pm me if you need too and my wife and I will help anyway we can. Good luck

[Vince G]

It reads like all are giving the same advise. But I think he knows this already. I think he's got it under control just looking for confirmation of his decision.

[Kiwi303]

So after giving her an allowance of Y1200 a month, and spending Y1300 for her to booze with her friends and sister, plus gifts, lets say another Y500 to make a nice round Y3000 a month spent on her. Yet with this she's giving you the cold shoulder and simply using you as a breathign source of cash.

Theres a famous saying. "Women like 4 animals, a Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed, and an Ass to pay for it all."

Methinks you're being played as the Ass. Being cynical, I'd suggest you ditch her, and take your Y3000 a month and go find a honest live-in hooker instead of a dishonest girl. You'll probably get more affection from the hooker!

[Willy The Londoner]

If I never meet another woman from Shaoguan it will be too soon.   
 
I have had dealings with three since arriving here and had a similar experience with them all.  Some may recall the women I went with from Shaoguan and managed to get 5000 rmb out of me to pay for our trip there and a week later was dumped.   And the other two I met tried similar moves but  as soon as they mention Shaoguan then my ears close to them.  So unfortunately I have an opinion on Shaoguan women that I will not put on here otherwise I may well get banned!

Shaoguan has been the only city I have visited in China where I felt unsafe by night and day.  Admittedly more by night. 

Lain just cut your loses get back to somewhere like Zhongshan or Zhuhai where you will be safe and probably not end up penniless.

Lucky you did not marry her as she may well have made huge demands for a divorce.

People think it is easy to divorce here. Well it is if you both agree - if not it can cost you a great deal of both time and money.

More men on this forum break up over money than any other reason.  Unless you get a really special one then you will find that the women wants to take control of your money lock stock and barrel.  And I mean really special one. Many have been married for a long time to find this problem suddenly arises much later in a marriage.  Maybe that will even happen to me on day.
 
So it is best you find out at this stage and are able to move on.  I do believe that when you first met her you thought she was immature.  You have an answer now.  She was mature enough to start tapping into your spending power.  Whats this rubbish about girl friend allowance???  You mean lets rip off the foreigner money!! I only gave a woman the taxi ride home in the morning.   
 
Get out and get on with your life. 
 
Willy